SM OWNS ALL. I just own this plot.
AN: I've said it before and I will say it again, because it is so true. You guys are so amazing. Please keep doing what you're doing. Now just so we are clear, because I know some people like a little extra warning. This story is M rated, which means there will, in this chapter be some LEMONS. My fevered imagination had fun creating them LOL, but I am nervous about how well they actually translate into words.
ES POV
I had been staring intently for several minutes, but I still could not believe that the reflection in the mirror was mine. My hair was ruffled from where Carlisle had been running his hands through it as he had contributed to the slight swelling of my now naturally red lips. And the flush that ran from my cheeks to my slightly exposed shoulders and chest only served to highlight the glow of my skin and the light that even I could see in my eyes. Alice had spent almost an hour on the phone "advising" me on the correct makeup pallet to accompany the outfit I had chosen to wear for Carlisle and mine's first official date. But as much as I had loved my look, especially the smoky eyes which, unbelievably, were still managing to look sexily smudged rather than panda like. I preferred the "look" almost half an hour of making out on the back seat of the Mercedes had created. It was happening so fast that I still couldn't really believe it and I had to admit that I was still terrified that I was going to mess it all up. But as Carmen Denali, the doctor that Carlisle had suggested I see for therapy and who was as lovely a lady and as talented as Carlisle had told me she was, said;
"It is what it is. You have the chance now Esme to take back the control and power to be happy in your life. You still have a lot of things to work out and it isn't going to be easy, but if you and Carlisle find the happiness and security with each other that you both need, want and most importantly deserve, why fight it?"
And, despite my insecurities and fears I knew she was right. I felt safe, loved and desired by Carlisle. I had a lot still to face, not least facing Charles, but when Carlisle wrapped his arms around me, smiled at me, held my hand or even just playfully swatted me on the ass, I knew that I wasn't alone. This man cared for me, almost as much as I cared for him and I was going to allow myself to enjoy it, whilst trying to find ways of showing him how much I cared for him.
I ran a comb through my hair, straightened the shoulders of the gypsy style silk top I was wearing and decided to leave my lips bare. I felt myself flush a little more as I let myself imagine a continuation of what I had just been doing with Carlisle. It had been six weeks since that night on the beach when Carlisle and I had first kissed. And during that time, despite my insecurities and fears and Carlisle's natural gentlemanly ways, our physical relationship had developed, albeit at the rate and with the skill of two nervous but horny seventeen year olds who weren't quite ready to go "all the way". I sighed deeply, sending another almost painful rush of need and moisture to my already overheated and embarrassingly wet core. If Carlisle could set my body almost on fire just with his kisses or the touch of his hand on my breast, would I be able to cope with, be good enough, when we gave into our more adult desires?
The persistent beep of my cell phone, one of six Carlisle had taken out on business contract for the staff at the clinic and I knew as a way to let me pay for it without arguing, dragged me out of my musings. I walked back into my bedroom and picked it up off my nightstand. I had left it at home when we went out. I still had to remember I had the thing. Looking at the caller ID, I saw it was Alice., I flipped open the phone.
"Hello?"
"Esme, finally! I've been calling and texting all night. What's the point of having a cell phone if you don't keep it with you?
"Well, hello to you too Alice." I said wryly. "You know that your father and I went out to dinner." I said confused. She had helped me pick my outfit.
"Till this time! Dad never stays out this late, even when he goes to Marco's. Did you guys have dessert?" she demanded.
"Yes, your father ordered the canola, but we bought them home as we both have to be at the clinic early in the morning."
"If you actually want to taste the canola, which are to die for by the way, I wouldn't leave them near Dad for too long." She giggled. I had noticed that Carlisle had quite a sweet tooth.
"I'll bear that in mind. Alice, not that I don't love to talk to you, but surely you could have waited till the morning to ask me about our date. Or did you just call to tell me off for being a bad influence on your father, keeping him out so late?" I chuckled. My stomach flipped a little as I realized that I had said out loud, that Carlisle and I had been on a date.
Alice laughed again, it echoed down the phone like pretty tinkling bells.
"No, I'm actually impressed that you managed to do that. Although I must warn you, he'll probably be a little grumpy in the morning. He always is when he doesn't get enough sleep."
Suddenly another reason for Alice's call hit me with a force of a punch to the stomach.
"Alice, is something wrong? Is it Emm…" I began.
"No!" she almost shrieked. "God, do you really think I would be this calm if it was?" she huffed. "According to Rose and the couple of email I got, my big old brother bear is doing as well as can be expected. No, I was calling to ask you what was wrong? What is it Esme, what has he done wrong? I mean, I did warn you that he has been alone along time, add that to the fact he's a man and he's bound to do something to piss you off. But surely you can talk about it, although it can't be that bad, if you're out on a date and of course there's the little dirty dancing display that you and he put on last week."
"Alice, it was not dirty dancing!" I snapped. But I couldn't help but smile as I remembered that night. Emmett had been away in Iraq for nearly a month now. And whilst we all, missed and worried for him, Rose was really suffering during her husband's absence this time. She had tried to bury herself in her work as an events planner. But, Alice and Jasper who saw her every day and had this weird mix of empathy and psychic ability when it came to people, informed us that what she wanted, but was too stubborn and embarrassed to ask for, was some time with the family. So, Carlisle and I, Edward and Bella and Alice and Jasper had gone out for the night, first to a piano bar and then somehow, ending up at a pool hall/bar. I had told Rose it was part of my therapy, to get out and socialize, she didn't buy it, but she came.
Somehow, probably with a little help from the few drinks I'd had and by my almost childish need to touch Carlisle, hold his hand, be held by him, just because I could and even better because he seemed to enjoy holding and touching me as much as I did him. He had persuaded me to let him lead me out onto the small dance floor. Alice had commandeered the juke box. Her choice of song, although not subtle, had been fitting, James Morrison's, "You Give Me Something". The chorus especially had struck a cord with both of us.
"You give me something, that makes me scared.
Alright, this could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try."
We were in public and part of me was scared to death, but feeling Carlisle wrap his arm round my waist and pull me close as I buried my head in the crook of his neck, breathing in his intoxicating scent, letting the hand that wasn't being held in his and against his chest, play with his hair and lightly scratch his neck was heaven. Which was, unbelievably made even better, when he began to lay kisses along my cheek and jaw before gently sucking on the sensitive skin of my earlobe. The song had been coming to an end, when I had felt his grip round my waist tighten. He had dipped me. I was shocked, but was laughing as he slowly raised me, stopping before I was fully righted, to lean over and lay kisses on my exposed neck. I could feel myself blushing again and I could feel the tingling coil of need in my stomach begin to tighten as I remembered.
"Well, it was a lot more than I have ever, or really ever want to see my Dad get up to on a dance floor." Alice teased.
"Alice, your father, leaves books and medical journals all over the place, he drinks milk straight from the carton and he never picks up his wet towels, but he hasn't done anything wrong." I assured.
"So why, are you moving out?" she demanded, her tone changed from teasing to genuinely upset and confused in a second. how did I condense the emotions and rationale behind my decision, so that Alice would truly understand.
"Alice, as you so sweetly pointed out, your father and I…our relationship both emotionally and physically, is developing. It's crazy, it's fast, but it is what it is…"
"Um, ok, who are you and what have you done with my aunty Esme?" Alice demanded. My heart clenched at the backhanded endearment.
"Your dad was right, Carmen Denali is not only a lovely woman, but a great therapist. Oh believe me, I'm not always so sure of myself and I have a way to go. But, if I want and I really do Alice, for this relationship to work, I need to not, for the first time in my life, be totally dependent and reliant on a man. I love living with your Dad and Bella and Edward. But I need some control, to get a little independence, make a few decisions for myself. And as scary as the thought is, that means I have to live by myself for a while. I'm not going far. There is a little cottage near the reservation, not far from La Push beach…"
"Oh that place is so cute, but it needs…"
"Some work, Billy Black who owns it, has said he'll reduce the rent a little if I do a little painting and such. And, living rent free here means that even putting aside some money to pay you guys back, I have some money I can use to…"
"SHOP!" Alice squealed at a volume that caused me to hold the phone from my ear.
"Yesss." I hissed finally. "Not crazy shopping. I'm taking it month by month…"
"Mmmhmm, but you still have to make the place habitable." Alice said, her tone was if she was talking about a mud hut, not a perfectly livable if neglected house. "You'll have to have a house warming."
"Why?"
"It's tradition, good luck and it'll give Rose something to think about."
"You are shameless." I groused.
"Thank you." She said happily. But again, her tone turned serious and almost to that of a small child in a second. "But, you are happy…in Forks, with us, with Dad. You're not going too suddenly leave or anything, because we all really care about you." She said softly.
I could feel tears pricking my eyes.
"And I really care about all of you. Alice, I don't think I could leave, even if I wanted to." I whispered. "Now let me go it took me almost an hour to get this eye makeup right."
"Ooh, I forgot to ask, did Dad like your outfit?"
"Yes." He especially seemed to like seeing my shoulders and neck judging by the attention his dangerous mouth had paid to that area, almost making us late for our reservation. I shivered slightly and not from the cold. I also felt the coil of need in my stomach begin to tighten a little more.
I managed to say goodbye to Alice and headed downstairs to the kitchen. Carlisle was standing with his back to me at the sink. I saw the plate with the canola on the breakfast bar next to him. There was a large bite missing from one of the creamy desserts. I snuck up behind him and gently squeezed his hips.
"Dr Cullen, I do believe you have been…now what's the word…B-U-S-T-E-D." I chuckled. He turned towards me, coffee pot in hand. His mouth was full, his top lip covered in cream. He grinned and blushed as he attempted to swallow.
"So…rry." He mumbled thickly. "You ok?" he asked finally, running his hand down my arm before slipping it round my waist and pulling me with him as he plugged in the coffee pot.
"I'm sorry." I said kissing him lightly as I leaned back against the breakfast bar. He turned so he was facing me,resting his free hand on the edge of the bar, effectively caging me against the breakfast bar.
"Alice called."
Concern and a little fear flashed across his face for a second. As much as we were all trying to get on with things, Emmett and any news from either him or the authorities was never far from our minds. I rested my hands lightly on his hips.
"She didn't understand my reason for wanting to move out as well as we thought." I said. Carlisle and I had told all the children yesterday after a week of intense discussion on the subject ourselves.
"Oh hell." He sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be silly. It's taken me a while to understand myself. And are you sure, that you understand Carlisle." I said suddenly.
The professional and rational part of Carlisle understood that what had come out of my intense therapy sessions with Carmen made sense and was for the best. But I could still sense the part of him that didn't really feel happy with the idea. He looked shocked for a moment by my question and then sheepish. I knew it.
"Yes sweetheart and I am sorry if I've been a little off hand or made you feel guilty…" he said lifting his hand from the breakfast bar and cupping my cheek in his palm. It was true that things had been a little tense over the subject. I was feeling nervous, excited, terrified a million different emotions at the thought of living alone for the first time in almost twenty years. Carlisle would be fifteen minutes away from me at most, thanks to his lead foot when it came to driving, Charlie and Sue Swan were ten minutes, but I was still scared about the nightmares of Charles finding me returning. I had weaned myself down on the amount of physical contact I needed with Carlisle to sleep at night. He now held me till I fell asleep before, most nights, going back to his own room. But it was something I had to do. And of course, I always had the present that Emmett had left me. A baseball bat and a note which said SWING FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER
"It's just, I guess I've been spoilt and gotten greedy. I love that the first thing I smell when I walk in the house is your perfume. I love hearing you laughing in the kitchen with Bella and Edward, seeing you shake your gorgeous little ass when you're singing along to the radio folding laundry. I love cuddling up on the sofa with you to read or watch TV. And you know how much I love holding you at night." He said his voice rough with emotion. Tears were threatening again. I couldn't believe that he was saying the same things I was feeling, but I had to be strong.
"I'm not going to be that far away and I fully intend on regular sleepovers." I said my voice low and hopefully a little seductive. I turned my head and kissed his palm. I felt him nudge my left leg aside with his knees, I moved my legs, allowing him enough space to slip between my own. I lightly ran my hands from his hips up his ribcage across his chest, along his collar bone, before wrapping them in the hair at the base of his neck. I didn't know where the confidence came from, but my body was on fire with need and Carlisle's hiss of pleasure, pleasure that somehow I was causing, only added to it.
"You haven't tried dessert." He rasped
"I thought I might share yours." I said softly. I leant forward taking Carlisle's top lip in mine, gently sucking and licking the cream from his lip. Carlisle froze, I don't think he was even breathing.
Damn it Esme! What the hell makes you think you can do things like that. You are not, have never been sexy. I screamed at myself silently. This was obviously too much. As I had said to Alice, my confidence was still fragile.
"I…" I began going to pull my hands away from his neck
His eyes seemed to have darkened as he looked at me. And with an almost painful surge of pleasure, I realized that it wasn't out of anger or embarrassment. It was lust. I leant forward again. Carlisle Cullen had thought what I had done was sexy! He took a step forward, bringing his body flush with mine, causing his growing arousal to brush against my aching wet core. I moaned the sound seemed embarrassingly loud and almost wanton. I buried my head in his shoulder for a moment, laying a soft kiss on his shoulder through the heavy cotton of shirt. His hands caressed up my sides, grazing the side of my breast. I pulled back to look at him.
"Carmen told me, that when it comes to our…physical relationship, I should go with what I feel. I didn't mean to attack you like that…" I chuckled a little breathlessly, "It's just, I was remembering dancing with you last week. And you know I love the way you taste" I breathed. I didn't realize that one of my hands had moved down his back to grip his ass, I was attempting to pull him closer and recreate the wonderful feeling of friction, until I heard his low moan. Lord help me. My hormones, libido, whatever you wanted to call it had been dormant for fourteen years. But there was something about this man that turned me into a hormone crazed teenager! It was scary, but hell it was fun!
"I knew there was a reason I loved that woman." Carlisle whispered. I laughed.
"I promise to try and give you a little more warning the next time I want you to enjoy it too…" I was a little embarrassed
"I'm having a great time…so far…"Carlisle murmured, his eyes locked with mine and a sexy smirk was twitching his lips. He rolled his hips, causing us both to groan. It wasn't enough, because of the height difference, we needed to be closer. Our lips crashed together with more intensity than normal.
"More…please…Esme…need more…" Carlisle moaned as he began to trail hot, open mouthed kisses down my jaw and neck. His hands stroked the back of my thighs before gripping my ass and lifting me. Instinctively, my legs wrapped round his waist. Our moans as he ground against my sensitive core, were caught in each other's mouths. I found myself trying to arch towards him, desperate to be closer as muscles I never knew I had or had never had to use during intimacy with Charles, began to spasm almost painfully as the coil of need that had been building during the night began to loosen and Carlisle's tounge stroked mine.
"Ca…rl…isle…" I breathed, my hands running through his hair. I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing as my hands scratched down his back, squeezed his ass and my tounge began to dance with his. I needed to be closer, didn't want the spasms of pleasure and the warmth that was now consuming my body to end. And judging by the way Carlisle growled my name and began to rock faster and harder, desperate for a little more intensity from the friction we were creating, neither did he.
"Bella, I don't care if we have to build the damn house ourselves…IT IS SO TIME WE MOVED OUT."
My eyes snapped open to see Edward's back retreating from the kitchen. Carlisle and I had frozen. Again, my head had hit his shoulder. Carlisle lowered me to my feet, holding me steady whilst I regained my balance, before sweetly kissing my forehead.
"You know, another benefit of me having my own place?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"No interruptions." I chuckled. He smiled, but it didn't seem to reach his eyes. I hoped that I was imagining his reaction, being oversensitive. But although Carlisle remained loving, affectionate and supportive of my upcoming move, I couldn't help feel that there was now some kind of distance between us. As with the night on the beach when we had kissed, what had happened in the kitchen that night had signaled another change in our relationship. I needed to talk to him about it.
But Alice had arrived at lunch time the next day, muttering about the miracles that she was going to have to perform, if I expected even the few new pieces of furniture I wanted for the cottage to be delivered in time. As I had told Alice, I had not wanted to go too crazy, as most of the furniture in the cottage was perfectly serviceable. I really wanted to save my money for the miscellaneous things that you needed to create a home such as paint for the walls, drapes, linens, cutlery, crockery, maybe a few pictures. So I had gone with Bella to a furniture depot just outside Seattle, to order the new bedroom set and couches I wanted. I then braved shopping alone with Alice for the other things. Although I didn't up needing quite as much as I thought, thanks to the "housewarming presents" of Egyptian cotton bed sheets and towels that came from Alice and Jasper and Bella and Edward. As well as organizing my housewarming party, Rose on the orders of Emmett, who sent me a lovely email, wishing me luck, but demanding in his own way reassurances that I wasn't going to be leaving or wasn't unhappy, gifted me with a larger fridge and a "decent" sized television. As according to Emmett, I would need to have the basics, when it came to be my turn to babysit him.
I wasn't sure why, but I really wanted to go paint shopping with Carlisle. But he had to carry out a few surgical shifts in the ER of the University Hospital in Seattle to maintain the credits he needed to renew his license and keep his practicing rights there. He still came to cuddle with me for awhile when he could and called me when he couldn't. I assured him I was fine, but I desperately wanted to talk to him about what had happened that night, Carlisle had always shown by his reactions, if not always his words, that he was comfortable with the way we touched, kissed. Or had that been wishful thinking on my part? Was I making him uncomfortable? Was Charles right and Carlisle too nice to say anything about it? I had tried to talk to Carlisle about it, ask about why his kisses had become more chaste than they had ever been, why he seemed to be offering me affection more with words than his usual cuddles or touches and why he seemed to try and distract me when I went to touch him more intimately. He joked about "scarring Bella and Edward for life" and more truthfully that I would have to get used to being alone in my own place. I knew he was right, and he was lovely and caring about what he said and how he said it, but I still couldn't help feeling a little rejected and confused. Especially when he just as fast, he changed.
It was an ordinary, if busy day at the clinic. Edward was holding a baby/toddler clinic which due to his reputation as a first class paediatrician and his looks, meant that it was full with mothers and babies from not only Forks, but also Port Angeles. It was all hands on deck, with Carlisle helping out when needed. We finally got a chance to grab some lunch in office, but when I stuck my head round the door he wasn't alone.
A little girl of about three, who if I remembered correctly had come in with her harassed looking mom and energetic two year old brother, was sat on the edge of Carlisle's desk, watching wide eyed as he, with the care and precision of the dedicated surgeon he was, stitched the arm of her teddy.
"And he can't feel anything?" the little girl questioned seriously.
"Nope. The magic cream I put on, means he can't feel a thing." Carlisle replied just as seriously. "But, he might feel a little sore later."
"Should I give him some Tylenol?"
Carlisle chuckled softly.
"No Karen. Tylenol doesn't work on teddies that well. The only thing that really works, are cuddles…do you think you can give teddy plenty of cuddles?" Carlisle asked.
Karen nodded.
"Right now, I need you to put your finger right here." He said. She did and then Teddy complete with plaster on his arm, was ready to go. Carlisle helped Karen down, but she pulled on his trouser leg causing him to bend down to her level. She gave him a noisy kiss on the cheek before skipping away. Unexpected tears pricked my eyes and my heart clenched a little painfully as I watched the scene. Her mother who was now standing behind me thanked Carlisle before they left.
" It's official, that bedside manner of yours seems to work on women of all ages." I laughed. I came round his desk and he swung his chair round to face me, before reaching out and pulling me down to sit sideways on his lap. He kissed me softly, his hand caressing the side of my neck before twisting in my hair.
"Should Edward be worried? I mean it is technically his job to be the hero that all the little girls…and not so little girls swoon over." I teased.
"And where do you think he learned how to do that from? I taught him…everything he knows…" Carlisle growled against my ear, before placing his lips on the sensitive skin just behind it and sucking gently. I shivered with pleasure.
"Not quite everything" I moaned softly, tilting my head to give him more access. My hands were tracing his chest through his scrub top. He hissed with pleasure as my thumb brushed his nipple. I smirked slightly and did it again, this time adding a little pinch. He moaned softly this time. It wasn't a fluke, he liked it. But his recent behavior had brought a lot of my insecurities back to the fore and I didn't want to feel the sting of rejection again today, however nice he was about it. There was also the fact, we were at work. "I don't think Edward is a qualified teddy bear surgeon." I breathed. He chuckled softly and pulled back.
"No, that was strictly a one off. I haven't done that in years. Emmett had this weird thing against teddy bears as a kid. I was forever stitching legs and arms back on." He said, smiling wistfully as he remembered. It was so sweet to see him like this, but there was a small part of me that was a little jealous that it wasn't our children he was doing it for. Hang on. Our Children, okay wherever the hell that had come from, it needed to go. I was pulled from my hysterical mental ramblings, by the phone ringing. Instinctively, I picked it up.
"Good afternoon, the Cullen Clinic." I said smoothly. I heard Carlisle moan quietly before I felt an open mouthed kiss on the side of my neck. I had noticed before that Carlisle seemed to find it a bit of a turn on, when he heard me use my telephone voice.
"Um, I'm sorry…what was that…?" I stammered as one kiss turned into two. I tapped his chest to try and get him to stop, but that seemed to only encourage him. He only stopped when he felt me totally stiffen on his lap.
"Is she badly hurt? No, no I understand thank you…" I said dully, putting the phone down.
"Esme…Esme…who? Is who badly hurt?" Carlisle demanded.
I turned to look at him.
"That was USW Hospital, Bella was clipped by a car…have to let Edward know…" I didn't get time to finish, before I was on my feet again and Carlisle was running from the room. Bella had taken her senior year English class to a matinee performance at a theatre in Seattle. Carlisle returned a few minutes later followed by Edward. His face was frantic, his hand running through his hair.
"Esme, what happened? What did they say? How's Bella?" he demanded. He was almost screaming at me.
"I don't know, they wouldn't…"
"What do you mean they wouldn't tell? How's my Bella?" Edward said, gripping me by the top of my arms, his face close to mine.
"Edward please…hurting me…" I whimpered. My breathing was shallow and my heart pounding as Edwards face disappeared and was replaced by a snarling Charles.
"Tell me.!" He demanded again.
"EDWARD ENOUGH!" Carlisle bellowed, physically prying Edward's hands off me. Carlisle's face was pale, but his eyes were blazing with anger. "You know that they won't give out any information to anyone other than the next of kin." Edward seemed to remember himself and shook his head to clear it.
"I'm sorry…" he rasped. "I have to go…Bella dad…not my Bella as well." He sounded like a lost small child as he almost pleaded with Carlisle. Carlisle wrapped his arms round his son's shoulder.
"Edward, we don't know anything. Go get in my car, I'll drive you. Eleazar is working today, we'll see what…" Carlisle didn't finish as Edward was already running from the building towards the Mercedes.
Carlisle turned to me. His face was still pale and he was shaking.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
I nodded. This wasn't the time for my neurosis and I was desperate to know how Bella was myself.
"Go…I'll rearrange your appointments, send anything serious to Port Angeles." I said. He kissed me quickly and then was gone. I went up to Carlisle's afternoon clinic and did what I said, before sitting down to begin calling those who hadn't arrived for their appointments yet. I had just put the phone down on one call, when a pale, shocked looking Charlie Swan, Bella's father appeared.
"Charlie, is there any news?" I said springing to my feet.
"Uh, yeah…I just heard myself, Sue and I were out on the boat. We just got a cell signal. She's fine, cuts, bruises and what looks like a broken wrist, but she's okay. For Bella this is just a scratch." He said, huffing a laugh that didn't reach his eyes.
"Thank God." I breathed. "Poor Edward was…"
"Yeah, that kid must have gone through hell." Charlie muttered. "Carlisle too…must have brought back some bad memories." My confusion must have shown on my face. Charlie looked uncomfortable for a minute.
"Elizabeth, Edward's mom, she was killed in a hit and run. The bastard didn't stop. They caught him a couple of hours later but still…I'll never forget Carlisle's face when…" Charlie mumbled, more to himself than me. He shook his head after a minute, excused himself and left. As I sat behind my desk in the empty clinic, my heart clenched painfully for Elizabeth Masen and the grief and fear both Edward and Carlisle not to mention Alice and Emmett had gone through. But my overwhelming emotion was a desperate need to hold and comfort Carlisle.
I had my chance three hours later, when Bella arrived home. I heard her before I saw her, yelling at Edward to put her down. I was in the kitchen and turned round to see Edward carry Bella in bridal style.
"Edward, it's my wrist that's damaged not…"
"I don't care, will you please just let me look after you?" he said tightly. Bella's face, which was even paler than normal softened slightly. She ran her good hand through his hair and down his cheek.
"Yes baby…" she said softly. "But please let me say hello to Esme…" she said. Their eyes met in a gaze that was so intense, so personal that I felt like I was intruding just standing there. Edward turned round. He too was pale and looked exhausted. Bella and I spoke, with her assuring me that Charlie was right, that for her, this was only a scratch. But despite all her bravado, I could see how shaken up she was. Edward went to move, but Bella thumped on his shoulder with her good hand.
"Don't you have anything to say to Esme?" she reproached softly. Edward, blushed and his head dropped slightly, before he looked up at me, green eyes deeper than I had ever seen them, full of remorse, shock, relief, but most of all sincerity.
"Esme. Can you please forgive me for my disgraceful behavior, I really am…" I crossed over to him and held up a hand
"You have nothing to apologize for." I said rubbing his arm. "You were scared. And who can blame you at the thought of losing something as precious as this." I said, squeezing Bella's knee gently. The smiles of gratitude and understanding they both gave me, were almost breath taking. Edward leant over slightly and kissed my cheek.
"Thank you Esme." He whispered. I could feel tears threatening.
"Go on Doctor Cullen, go take care of your patient, I think she may prove to be a little difficult." I said, huffing a laugh. They left, with Edward muttering things about knowing exactly how to make Bella feel better. I smiled. The love they shared truly was special. I turned, to find Carlisle standing in the doorway that led up from the garage. He too looked pale, tired and more than a little haunted.
I walked towards him. He smiled at me softly.
"Bella's going to be okay." He sighed. His voice was a mixture of shock and relief.
"She's in good hands." I replied. He nodded. I lightly slipped my arms around his waist.
"And how are you?" I asked. He looked a little confused by the question for a second. Then a million different emotions seemed to flood his face at once.
"Tired." He said finally. I turned and with him held against my side, led him through the house up to his bedroom. He didn't argue. He sat on the side of the bed kicking off his shoes. He then climbed further into the centre fully dressed. He didn't speak, just held out his arms, a look on his face that made me want to cry. I climbed on the bed, letting him wrap his arms around me and move down the bed, so his head rested on my chest over my heart. I just lay,stroking his hair, wanting to do whatever it took to bring even a tiny bit of comfort to the man I loved. It was crazy, it was fast, he probably didn't feel the same, but it was true, I was in love with Carlisle. I kissed the top of his head.
"You rest now my darling. Let me look after you for a change." I murmured.
We lay like that for most of the night, both of us falling asleep. At one point during the night Carlisle became quite restless and I was sure I heard him muttering Elizabeth's name and sorry over and over. But when I woke in the morning, the bed beside me was empty.
Coming down into the kitchen, I found Edward and Carlisle making eggs and burning bacon for Bella, Rose Alice and Jasper who had obviously arrived when I was still sleeping.
"Morning Aunty Esme." Rose and Alice trilled brightly. Their act was a little too bright, a little too normal. Carlisle smiled at me, but was busy with his cooking and very interested in his conversation with Edward. I helped myself to some juice from the fridge and followed Alice, Rose and Bella into the dining room.
"We were just trying to decide on Bella's top ten injuries." Rose sniggered.
"We've been up quite a while." Alice laughed. Bella snorted and rolled her eyes.
"I think the last time you hurt your arm, was when you decided to wash that delusional bitch Jessica Stanley's mouth out…" Alice mused.
"In a toilet."Rose crowed. My eyebrows must have disappeared into my hair line. Billy Black had hinted at what Bella had done, but I hadn't quite believed him. Although, Edward was someone worth fighting for.
"Bella warned her more than once to keep her twisted little fantasies to herself. She had no choice…" Alice added defensively.
"No choice about what?" Edward asked as he came into the room.
Bella blushed and was trying to indicate to the others to remain quiet.
"Defending your honour from Jessica Stanley in High School." Rose taunted. Edward blushed, but there was a smirk on his face. Even Carlisle grinned.
"That was only a sprain if I remember rightly." He teased. He was standing behind my chair. I looked up and smiled. His eyes were soft and the brief kiss he gave me was incredibly sweet and tender.
Alice decided that with only a week to go before I moved, it was time to hit the hardware stores and but the paints and other things I needed or wanted to do the decorating I had planned. Carlisle and Jasper came to as Alice said "make themselves useful."
Carlisle and I were unloading some paint cans from the boot of Bella's Volvo that I seemed to be using more and more. We were laughing and joking as we had been whilst we had been shopping.
"You're a slave driver." Carlisle teased.
"You love me really." I pouted. He paused. His eyes were soft and intense. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped and hurried into the house. My heart was clenching painfully. It was becoming more and more obvious that we had to talk.
That night, Carlisle and I stayed up later than I really had wanted to. I must have fallen asleep as I woke up when Carlisle was laying me down on my bed. He covered me and laid a kiss on my forehead, but he made no move to climb in beside me and hold me like he usually did for a while. In fact it seemed that he couldn't wait to leave.
The next day, I talked Alice, Jasper Rose into helping me wash down walls and sand down woodwork. Carlisle cried off, citing his need to get ahead on his paperwork, which he was notoriously bad at doing, if he was going to be able to help me move next week. I was disappointed, but I was too much of a coward to do or say anything. And it wasn't as if I didn't have a great time with the girls and Jasper. Sue Swan and Leah Black also dropped in to offer help and food. Several times I had to step away as I became slightly overwhelmed by how safe and loved I actually felt.
Over the next week after work, I spent my nights at the house with Bella, Edward and sometimes Carlisle getting most of the painting and placing of shelves and the delivered furniture sorted out. And if I was honest, I was glad to have something to take my mind off the now painful situation with Carlisle.
It was the Friday night before I was due to move and Alice, Jasper, Rose, Bella and Edward had insisted on a "family dinner." Rose had picked up take out from Marco's, that had become Carlisle and I's secial place. I had been in Carlisle's office collecting some paperwork. He had a couple of late appointments.
"I'll save you some dessert." I said smiling. I had insisted that Rose get canola for dessert.
"Don't bother." He said without even looking up from his desk. The cold, hard tone of his voice had hit me with the force of a slap to the face. In a way, it might have been kinder if he had slapped me I thought.
I staggered from the room and somehow managed to finish my shift. But when I got back to the house, I found that I couldn't get out of the car. I could hear Charles' cold voice sneering in my ear. He had been right, I hadn't managed to make the three months I had agreed to stay. I had messed things up. But how? What exactly had I done? We got on well didn't we? We shared interests, values, a sense of humour and an emotional closeness. And physically, it's true that I had become more brazen. But, I had only been following his lead hadn't I? He hadn't complained had he? He had been enjoying it hadn't he?
"Esme."
I turned my head. Bella was knocking on the window, her face was full of concern. I lowered the window.
"Esme, what's wrong? You've been sitting out here for half an hour."
"I'm sorry. Please go ahead and start without me." I said dully. Before I realized, Bella was sitting in the passenger seat, prizing my hands gently from the steering wheel. She held them firmly in hers.
"Is it Carlisle?"
I nodded dumbly.
"For such intelligent men, Cullen men can be extremely dense emotionally." She sighed. I looked at her shocked.
"Esme, we live in the same house. I have noticed the…distance between you."
"Was it that obvious?"I almost shrieked.
"A little. But I knew what I was looking for."
My confusion must have showed.
"Edward and I went through similar things. Edward was, is old fashioned when it comes to women and I think he gets it from Carlisle. It's lovely, comforting, romantic, but as frustrating as hell when it comes to certain things." She said quietly. She was blushing slightly, but as I looked into her pretty face, I could see the caring, compassionate woman that Edward and the Cullen loved so dearly and the talented teacher she must be.
"I thought he was enjoying it…"
Bella's blush deepened.
"Well if the other night in the kitchen was anything to go by, I'd say he was. But Esme you have to talk to him. It's painful, embarrassing, but it has to be done and believe me, it hurts a lot less than that hollow feeling of rejection."
She was right. I was a grown woman. We needed to talk.
"Thank you Bella." I said.
"That's what families are for." She smiled.
The children knew there was something wrong, but they didn't push me which I was grateful for. We had dinner and then Bella drug them all out. I went upstairs finished my packing and took a long shower, anything to take my mind off what was too come. I heard Carlisle come home but I didn't rush. I didn't have the nerve. And it seemed neither did Carlisle, I heard him pause outside my door for a long moment before walking off.
Eventually after tossing and turning and wanting to talk before the others returned, I headed down to his office. I knocked quietly and the music which had alerted me to where he was, fell silent.
"Come in." he called quietly. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door. He was sitting behind his desk, his head thrown back against the back rest of the chair. He looked pale, tired strained.
I stepped inside closing the door behind me. I pressed myself against it.
"Esme." Carlisle voice was rough. He went to stand. I held up my hand as if I were holding him back. He sat, his hands running through his hair.
"Esme I'm sorry."
"For what?"
His eyes snapped up to meet mine.
"What I said earlier. How I've been the last two weeks, everything." He ground out.
"So I wasn't imagining it." I whispered.
He looked pained.
"Is this about me moving out? Or have I done something…"
"Esme, you haven't done anything." Carlisle's tone was sharp.
"Well, I obviously have or you wouldn't have been acting the way you have. So please answer me." I said my own tone sharp.
"Esme, you know that I'm going to miss you when you move out. The thought of you not being here is almost painful, but I DO understand why you have to do it."
"So it's something about what happened that night in the kitchen." I breathed. He nodded. I felt like I had been punched. I gripped the door handle a little harder.
"Esme, please at least come and sit on the couch." Carlisle insisted his tone had a tone of authority that I didn't argue with. On rubber legs I moved over to the couch that sat to the side of the desk. He didn't move, but his eyes never left me. I rested my arms on my thighs and held my face in my hands.
"Did you not enjoy it?"
He laughed tightly. I scowled at him. He held up his hands and his face was genuinely contrite and full of pain.
"Esme, I loved it, every kiss, every touch…"he seemed a little embarrassed. I looked confused.
"I enjoyed it too much. I was groping you…" he sounded disgusted.
"I think I started it." I said remembering my own actions. "You gave me the courage to do that. The way you have been holding me encouraging me emotionally, physically…touching me…kissing me…I didn't think I could do that, that any man would enjoy me doing that." I said accusingly.
"Jesus Esme, a man would have to be made of stone not to love being with you, talking, laughing feeling you wrap those stunning legs around them. But I shouldn't have rushed you, pushed you. You are a beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, woman. You deserve more than crude groping…" he ground out.
"And you Carlisle Cullen, are a kind, caring, loving man. And as much as I…" I almost said it. I almost told Carlisle I loved him, but this wasn't the time. "as much as I am so grateful for you respecting my boundaries and not rushing me. You need, I want to love you like a woman not a girl." I burst out. My heart was pounding, my head spinning. He cared about me, he liked the way I touched him.
"Sweetheart…please…" Carlisle said thickly holding out his hand. I stood and walked towards him. I took his hand and let him sit me astride his thighs. I snaked an arm round neck. He took my other hand twinning it with his own, kissed it before crushing it against his chest. We both seemed to be breathing deeply, taking comforting breaths of each other's scent.
"No girl could make me feel the way you do. Esme you are so…you are everything to me. I want to be your friend, your confidante…your lover. But I've seen how that bastard has brutalized your body…"
"Wait. Carlisle…how have you seen what happened to my body?" I demanded quietly. Carlisle had only seen a few of my bruises, the only way he could have seen."
"Did Edward show you my…" I said sharply.
"No…no…" he began, tightening his grip round my waist. I had had to go to Edward for a prescription for birth control after Eleazar Denali, Carmen's husband had to cancel my appointment due to illness. I would have left it, but I needed the pills for managing my flow. I had had to show Edward the copy of my medical chart that I carried with me.
"When I was doing my paperwork at the clinic Sunday, I had to go in Edward's desk for something. He doesn't know…I've broken god knows how many rules. Edward will kill me. You'll probably kill me. I shouldn't have and I am sorry…I wished I hadn't looked. I was feeling guilty enough for being so crude…seeing what…" Carlisle's voice was thick with the unshed tears that were shining in his eyes. "seeing what that bastard…"
I held my fingers against his mouth to silence him. Part of me was angry that he looked, but the coward in me was glad that I wouldn't have to bring it up.
"You should have spoken to me. I know I shouldn't have been such a coward, but Carlisle, you should have talked to me. You made me feel so good, physically and emotionally, then you just took it away. Nicely, sweetly, for the most part, but you took it away. Do you know how much that hurt?" He moved my hand.
"I'm so sorry my darling…how can I make it up to you?"
"Tell me the time?"
He looked confused
"12.30am." he replied.
"So today, is the first day of the rest of my life so to speak." I said. He nodded. "Carlisle, if you want to help me…make it up to me…help me make the first memory of my new life…touch me Carlisle…I want to feel your hands on me…your mouth…show me…that my…body…can…feel…something…other than… pain…" I breathed. His eyes had darkened and his breath had become ragged. I moved my hands, so I was holding his face in them. I leant forward and kissed him softly, taking his top lip in my mouth and sucking softly. He moaned softly, his hand twisted in my hair, holding my face to his as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. I let my tounge trace his lower lip and he eagerly gave me access. He let me stroke his tounge and explore his mouth, before slowly entering mine. I moaned softly, rocking forward against his arousal that had been pressing against my thigh as his tounge began to duel with mine. With every kiss, we rocked together adding the spasms of pleasure caused by feeling his arousal against my throbbing, wet core.
When we needed to breathe, I began laying hot, open mouthed kisses down his jaw to his collar bone. The V of the T shirt he was wearing allowed me to reach more of his skin and I couldn't help but moan slightly at the slightly salty taste of the skin where his neck met his shoulder. His hand was gliding up from my hip along my rib cage and onto my breast, he palmed it gently, letting his thumb brush across the already painfully hard peak.
"More Carlisle…need more…I want to feel you properly." I snaked my hand down between us and let my nails scratch across the sliver of muscled stomach that became exposed as his shirt rode up. His skin was warm and smooth and whilst the muscles weren't rock hard, they were definitely there. I felt them twitch under my hand. He pushed me back lightly and pulled his T shirt over his head, tossing it aside. I was about to do the same when, he stopped me.
"Let me." He growled. I held my hands above my head and let him drag my t-shirt up and off. His growl became louder as he saw that I wasn't wearing a bra.
"So beautiful…so…soft." Carlisle was now gently palming both my breasts, his thumb teasing. His words, his actions all added to the rush of moisture and pleasure to my core. I rocked forward again, desperate for more friction. Carlisle moaned deeply as I increased my rhythm a little, arching towards him, in a desperate attempt to get him to take my now throbbing peak in his mouth. His mouth found the soft swell of my breast, moving, tasting everywhere but where I wanted. I was about to beg if I had to when the warmth of his mouth sent crackles of electricity shooting from my breast through my body. The feel of his teeth gently grazing my sensitive nub quickly followed by the softness of his mouth sucking gently, caused me to pull a little harder on the hair that I had twisted my hand through.
Suddenly I felt his long fingers dancing down my bare spine, coming to rest on my ass. He squeezed gently, before standing. I wrapped my legs around his waist. We both moaned at the feel of our chests pressed so closely together and just how little material there was separating us further down.
Carlisle carried us out of his office and into his bedroom next door. The room was only illuminated by the beside lamp. He lay me in the centre of the bed on my back, before coming to hover over me, bracing his weight on the arm by my head. He looked so strong, so beautiful, his head fell back as I arched up lightly and kissed his chest sucked lightly on his nipple. He lay on his side next to me.
"Esme…do you know how beautiful…you are…what seeing you like this…being able to touch you like this...feels like?" he punctuated his words with open mouthed kisses from my collar bone, down my breasts, down my stomach, before stopping at the waist of my sleep pants.
He looked up at me for permission and chuckled as I lifted my hips and began to shimmy them further down my legs. He pulled them off my feet and threw them behind him. I was now laying bare infront of Carlisle whilst he was still partially dressed. I pulled him back up to me and kissed him deeply, to give myself a moment to get used to the idea. I was blushing and shaking slightly. Carlisle caught my arms, which were sneaking downwards to try and cover myself and held them over my head with one hand. He claimed my mouth again, before gazing down into my face, his eyes hooded, dark, intense.
"You will never have to be afraid of me, my darling. I could never hurt you, hurt this beautiful body. His tone was loving, reverential. He began to trail hot open mouthed kisses everywhere, crooning words of love. My body was on fire, screaming for release.
"Carlisle please…" I was begging.
"You have the sexiest, longest legs I have ever seen. Will you wear skirts for me Esme, let me see these legs."
"Yesss….please Carlisle…" I would do whatever he wanted.
"Please what love?" he asked. I wasn't sure, all I knew was that I needed him to do something, anything. And what was he doing? Moving away from me. He was standing at my feet, his eyes drinking in my body. He seemed a little uncertain. I rose up on my elbows.
"Kiss me, touch me, whatever you want to do…just please don't stop."
"Can I taste you Esme? Do you trust me enough to let me touch you, kiss you there…take away the pain he caused you there?" he asked quietly. My breath caught in my throat and tears pricked at my eyes.
"If you do, there can be no guilt…no shame…" I said. He crawled back up over my body, resting his weight on his hand. He took my mouth.
"No guilt…no shame…" he repeated. "not anymore. All you deserve, all I want to give you, is pleasure." Carlisle said. He kissed me deeply, with love rather than passion. I lay back against the mattress. He moved down my body and bent one of my legs at the knee before kissing up both thighs, muttering to himself about the beauty of my legs. I then felt him place a tender kiss on my lips. My hips jerked. My body was alive with an electrical current that was almost painful in it's intensity.
"CAR…LIS…LE!" I almost screamed as I felt him drag his tounge from my core to my throbbing bundle of nerves. He placed an arm over my hips and draped my leg over his shoulder. He continued his ministrations for several moments, before I felt him focus that deadly tounge on my clit, sucking gently before licking and teasing. My hands moved from his hair to fist the bed sheets as I arched, desperately trying to find some purchase. I was close and I was scared. I wanted this, needed it. But I was frightened by the intensity of what I was feeling. I must have whimpered as in seconds, Carlisle had pulled away from me. I think I whimpered even more at the loss of contact.
"Esme, sweetheart?" he was laying on his side stroking my hair.
"Don't stop…I just got scared…never knew it could feel…" I was mumbling, body twitching. I grabbed his hand and tried to place it between my legs. He gently stroked between my lips, causing my hips to twitch again.
"Don't be scared baby…I'm here…I'll always…be here…" he said kissing me, catching my moan as I felt one of his long fingers slip inside me gently. He began to thrust slowly and after a second I matched his rhythm, feeling my walls clench as they closed round his finger and he used the heel of his hand against my clit.
"CARLISLE…OH…I'M…I'M…" I moaned, gripping his arm his shirt. He lowered his mouth to my ear. "That's it baby…come for me…let me…feel how good I make you feel…" he said, his voice was velvet soft, but his tone seemed tip me over the edge.
When I finally had the strength to open my eyes, it was to see Carlisle lying on his side looking at me with such love, it made me feel like crying. I reached out and stroked his face before kissing him. I moaned slightly at the taste of myself on his lips.
"Thank you…" I whispered.
"The pleasure was all mine." He replied with a slight smirk. I poked him in the chest. He chuckled before helping me up, he removed the dirty comforter before we climbed under, lying face to face, foreheads touching.
"No guilt." I queried.
"I feel guilty that I didn't have the guts, the common sense to talk to you, stop you feeling…that I feel guilty about, but what we just did, none at all."
"Good. I agree we have to talk more, about the fact that I didn't get the chance to touch you." I said. I let my nails trail down his rib cage down to his hip. He hissed and rocked toward me.
"I fully intend to let you have your wicked way with me." He smirked. "But when you do, it might be better to be at your place…less chance of interruptions…" he said. It was then that I heard the children's feet on the stairs and hushed voices. I buried my face in his shoulder, sure that he could feel my blush if not see it. If they had come in a few minutes earlier.
"She's not in her room." I heard Alice whisper.
"No…Esme's staying with me tonight." Carlisle called.
I heard Bella, Alice and Rose squeal with delight.
"Goodnight Esme?" the girls chorused, it was a question more than a statement.
"Yes it was." I replied softly.
AN: Okay. I don't own James Morrison or his pretty song. I just thought it might fit. I know it was still angsty, but that's just me. But if anyone's interested, the next chapter will have Esme having her wicked way with Carlisle whilst wearing high heels and fishnets. Yes this is still the same Esme, trust me. Right I'm off to hide under my desk.