Disclaimer- I don not own Harry Potter.

It was agony just to wake up every morning and face the world. She wanted only to hide under the pillows to block out the harsh glare of daylight that plummeted her into reality from her dreams. Somehow, in the darkness, it was easy to slip back into memories of the past. But once the sun rose and the gold rays slipped in through her curtain and danced over her eyes to bring her back from her memories, there was no avoiding the call of the real world, of the nightmare.

She was living in pieces and with each passing day, they broke into even smaller pieces. She was afraid that one day soon, she would just crumble into dust and debris.

Because everyday, she lied. She told herself and everyone else that she was fine, she was happy. They say that when you live a lie for too long, you start to believe it as well. Bullshit. She had tried a thousand times to turn her lies into truth. She had failed every time. Because what was truth anyway? What was real? For her everything was an illusion. She lived in that illusion. She lived upon a figment of her imagination. Dreams couldn't be lies, could they?

But her nightmare, it seemed, was a just a dream away. Hermione kept her eyes closed, holding on to the dream that the unrelenting sun had woken her up from.

***

Gosh, the boy was getting big, thought Hermione as she threw the quaffle, a little higher this time, to the excited five year old zooming on a toy broom just a few feet above the ground.

"Mommy, high, throw high!" the little blond boy with the chocolate brown eyes squealed, bouncing on the broom.

Hermione smiled ruefully and threw the quaffle at him even higher. Her son caught it easily without needing to move his broom at all. Even six months back, he would have had to jump and throw his hands high over his head to catch the ball. How much longer would he want to play with his mom like this?

The little boy now jumped to the ground and walked towards his mother, his silhouette haloed against the brilliance of the setting sun behind him. Settling his small body on her lap, he looked up at her with those melting brown eyes and asked timidly, "Why are you sad mommy?"

Hugging the soft body tightly and kissing the cherubic cheeks, Hermione said, "Oh sweetie, mommy is sad because she is scared that when she wakes up you will be gone. Mommy hates herself for giving you up."

He touched her cheek. "But mommy, I am here now, see, playing with you. I love you mommy."

"I love you too, baby, so much." She struggled to keep the tears form spilling, "and you are here now but I wish you could be with me always, forever and not just in my dreams."

He kissed her sweetly on the cheek and moved away, "I have to go now, mommy. Bye."

"No, Ethan! Don't go, baby, please don't go!" Even as she pleaded, her son was melting away with the sun and the sky. Night had fallen. And now all that remained was darkness and silence.

***

Mechanically, Hermione put on her cloths for work, made breakfast and set out. Her mask slid back in place.

She smiled, she chatted, she inquired, she socialized. And all of it was a lie, a pretence. Because inside, the pain throbbed away. Inside, she could not care less about those people at work talking to her about their house needing a new wing, their arguments with husbands, their problems with kids. And to say she did not care was a lie in itself because truth was, their stories affected Hermione very much. Their stories were her envy, her bitterness because why was their life so close to perfection while hers was falling apart with each passing day?

But of course it was much easier to tell herself she did not care. Easier to tell herself she was fine. Easier to tell herself that she had never had a child because if a child was never born, he didn't exist at all, right?

Yes, in the day, she lied to herself, pretending she never had a son. At night she lied to herself again by pretending that her son was still alive, existing and growing up before her eyes.

***

It felt good to be back in his own country again, thought Draco, walking up the crowded street of Diagon alley. That is if you ignored the stares, the various reporters with cameras, ogling at him and the people who were still resentful towards ex death eaters, who turned their noses up at him. It would have felt even better if she was not staring at him with dumfound eyes from her table at the restaurant.

It was karma. It had to be karma that had thrown Hermione Granger, the one person that he was trying to avoid with all his might, into his face within less than a week of his returning to England. Karma was getting back at him for all the mean things he had done in his life. Karma was a bitch.

She had changed over the last five years. Her face had lost the youthfulness and now she was a woman in every sense of the word. She was more beautiful than ever.

His next thought was to scold himself severely for that first thought. Hermione Granger had no place what so ever in his life anymore. Bitterness and pain filled his hear in equal amounts. Hermione had kicked him out of her life the day she had given up their baby. He had no need for a woman who had killed his child. Memories of the day he had found about her treachery filled his mind.

***

It was exactly two moths after the war that he finally gathered the courage to face her. He had kept putting it off, telling himself that being there for his father during his trials was more important. And then he realized that this was why he never had her, because he had lied to himself and believed that he had more important things in life than her. Truth was she was now the sole purpose of his life. But what if this time, she rejected him? After what he had put her through, she had every right to.

He had heard that she was staying with the Weaslys. At the doorstep of the Burrow, Mrs. Weasly told him that Hermione had moved to her own apartment just this very morning. The woman gave him the address and he immediately apparted to the outside of a building at Hogsmead.

As he neared the half ajar door, she could hear loud voices coming form inside. He could detect Hermione's and Harry Potter's voice. H knew he really shouldn't eavesdrop but the mention of his name stooped him from entering the room and announcing his arrival. Instead, he cast a disillusionment charm on himself and listened as the voices got louder."

"Do you want me to talk to Malfoy? I know that Slytherin git is probably just too scared to come and face you." Potter said. The Gryffundor git, thought Draco. What the hell did Potter know about the matters of the heart?

"No! Harry he will have to come to me when he's ready. Otherwise things will fall apart all over again." Hermione cried. At this Draco felt a little flutter in his heart. So she was waiting for him. There was still a good chance that she would take him back. Potter's next words though, made his heart stop right in its tracks.

"Don't you think you should at least tell him about the baby, Hermione? He deserves to know, dammit!"

"What baby, Harry?" yelled Hermione, "I never had a baby. It was never born. It never existed! What I had, Harry, was a stupid fetus! A damn fetus that I killed! End of story. Nothing can change this fact. As for telling Malfoy, I doubt he will care, Harry. He didn't want me so I don't think he would have wanted that extra burden of a child."

"Hermione you didn't-

"Please, Harry, just go. I can't handle this right now. I need to be alone. Please."

Numbly, Draco watched Potter walk out. From inside the apartment, he could hear the sound of sobbing. His heart was now slamming against his ribs painfully.

They had had a child. Hermione had aborted that child. Without telling him.

He took strength form Hermione's betrayal to turn away from her tears. She had the nerve to cry? How dare she?

All his life, he had had all his decisions made for him be someone else. And now she had done this too? She had deliberately cut him away from something that was his too. She had no right. No bloody right.

He stumbled upon the snow and fell on the ground. He blinked and shook his head to clear his vision. The red roses he had brought for her turned to ashes as he stared at them. Not before a thorn had pricked his finger though. A drop of blood trickled down to mesh with the snow. It was an ironic reminder that he had been a fool to think that Hermione was an innocent flower. He had been blind to her deadly thorns all along.

***

Without even a nod at her direction to acknowledge her presence, Draco willed himself to walk away from Hermione Granger once again.

***

He knew, Hermione realized. The knowledge had been in his eyes, in the pure disgust and revulsion that he had thrown her way. But how, she thought numbly.

She put a trembling hand over her mouth as she wondered if this was the reason he never came back to her. But shouldn't he have confronted her for an explanation at least before cutting her off from his life?

It had been surreal seeing him after so many years. In the silent minutes that passed staring at each other, she had wanted with all hear might to throw herself into his arms, to seek the comfort and security that he could always provide. Because Merlin knew she just could not hold everything within herself anymore. She needed to be free. She needed to live again. She just didn't know where to start.

Somewhere in the logical part of her brain where there still existed a ghost of the brilliant mind of the smartest witch of the generation, a voice said that even acknowledging that she need to start a new life meant that she was finally beginning to heal after a long five years. But even this thought made her feel as if she was committing a betrayal. She needed another dose of harsh pain to relieve her from the guilt and so she allowed her self to relive the memories again.

***

"Harry, Harry! Please don't let them do it, Harry!" she sobbed hysterically as she was carried to St. Mungo's. Her desperate pleas were ignored. Healers gathered around her and soon she found her senses spiraling down the tunnel of darkness.

She woke up feeling so empty that her insides burned.

Time after time, she called out for her mother. She moved her limbs frantically but there was absolutely no feeling in them whatsoever. She wondered if she was dead because the only sensation she had was of the burning emptiness. Only a small corner of her brain seemed to function. She had no memory of the past few hours. Only flashes of moments passed by her eyes like broken scenes of a movie.

Dizzy, so dizzy. In and out of consciousness. She kept calling out but found her voice too weak. She clutched the first hand she found, maybe a healer's, for a small sign that she was alive.

The hand let go and now all she could do was stare up at the ceiling at a spot of light for what felt like an eternity, until the feelings came back in her body.

As the anesthetic charm slowly wore off, she realized she had been condemned with a fate worse than death. She had to bear the guilt of killing her baby for the rest of her life.

In the months that followed, she felt like something had changed inside of her, had shifted beyond recognition. She felt like she had collapsed within herself and in her place now existed a shadow of what she used to be, of what her life used to be.

She fought with herself everyday. She fought with the memories, with the regret, with the guilt. Guilt that sucked her in deeper and deeper until she no longer knew what it felt like to be free.

***

The person she had been could never come back, Hermione thought, because that girl had seen too much, lost too much. The emptiness inside could never be filled with anything else.

She could never allow herself to heal. She wanted to hold on to the pain because this pain was a satisfaction, a balm to her conscience. Because somehow hurting herself made up for what she did. It almost made things okay again. But wait, things could never be okay again, they should not be. That would mean she was forgiving herself and in no way did she have the right to do that.

And thus the cycle went on and on. Day after day. Year after year.

***

A/N- Thank you for reading. please review.

I just want to say here that please do not judge the situation of Hermione and her baby yet. There is a reason why she had to abort the baby which will be revealed in the next chapter.

I know this chapter focuses mainly on Hermione but more Draco coming up, promise!

As usual, I look forward to your opinions. Please let me know what you think.