It was late, she was tired, and she had very little patience for these team building exercises. Mulder could tell his partner was getting frustrated, and he tried to joke with her to make it better, but her wry smiles were few and far between. He finally sighed and patted her arm, hoping that would settle her a little.
This particular exercise was annoying him as well, and he didn't really see the point in it. What good was it to tell your partner what you didn't like about them? Yes, he could understand the catharsis and the need for honesty, but he didn't think it was the best course of action for partners already on the edge.
"We can fake it, you know," he said. Scully nodded and gave a slight smile.
"We're such rebels. I would participate in almost anything else, but this seems a little counterintuitive."
"We already know what we don't like about each other, and we both know that we wouldn't change things either. So why do they want us to do this?"
"I guess they weren't prepared for partners who are friends first."
"Are we, Scully?"
"I don't think we could fight like this unless we were. Though I am proud of us for getting along so well these last few days."
"Yeah, it's been a nice change."
"We're going to try another exercise now," the session leader said from her spot near the front of the room. "I want you to face your partner and tell them your biggest secrets and biggest fears about your partnership. Remember to be honest and open."
Mulder rolled his eyes and turned to share a look with Scully, but she had suddenly gone slightly pale.
"Hey, Scully, you okay?"
"I need to go," she said suddenly, standing up from her chair.
"Wait-"
"I can't do it," she said before scurrying out the back door. Mulder looked around and realized that no one had noticed her departure, so he stood up and went after her. She was running, almost halfway across the field that separated the lodge from the woods. He knew he could catch her, but he gave her a little more room, speeding up only when she got to the woods and he was afraid of losing her. She was running without obvious direction, but still aware enough the not trip over logs and bushes. She finally slowed down, leaning against a tree and breathing deeply. Mulder approached quietly, reaching his hand out to touch her shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Mulder. I just had to get out."
"What's wrong? All the color drained out of your face."
"I know. I just…" she trailed off as she glanced over at him. "I can't talk to you."
"What? Why not?"
"I just can't. Don't make me do this."
"I wasn't planning on making you, but if it's bothering you this much it seems like maybe I should."
"No. Please."
"Scully," he started, his hand on her shoulder. "It's just me. You can tell me anything."
"I can't," she whispered, looking down at the ground, her toe running through the pine needles.
"Yes you can, you just won't."
"No Mulder, I can't!" she exclaimed, pushing his hand away. "Just trust me on this, you don't want to know."
"Yes I do! It's bothering you, a lot. Enough to run, and you don't run Scully. Ever. So what is it? What's so horrible that you can't tell me?"
"Stop it!" she said, starting to walk away. "Just leave me alone because it doesn't matter."
"It matters, Scully. Don't you get that? If it matters to you then it matters to me."
He chased her and grabbed for her wrists, which he managed to catch before she could pull away.
"Mulder, let me go! Please, don't make me tell you."
"You'd make me tell you whether I thought you should hear it or not."
"Do you really want to know? Do you really want to hear how I blame you for everything, and how I'm scared to death that you're going to find out? Do you want to know that I sometimes curse you for all that has happened? Do you want to hear about all the times I've said that I hate you, that this is all your fault, that you've stolen my life from me? Is that what you want to hear, Mulder? Is it?"
She finally managed to get her wrists away from him, jerking away and stepping back a few feet. Her eyes were wide with anger and fear and she was breathing heavily, waiting for his reaction. There wasn't one.
"So what, now we're just going to go back to normal, pretend this never happened, act like I never said or felt those things?"
"I don't think I can ignore things like that," he said gruffly before turning and walking the other way.
"Mulder, this is what I was afraid of! I knew you were going to stomp off all butt hurt before I had a chance to explain myself. I know you're going to hold this against me and we'll never be the same and it's why I never told you. Mulder, stop!"
"Why? Do you want to tell me more about how much you hate me and how horrible I am?"
"Quit being such a baby! Let me explain."
"Okay, fine. Explain it, Scully."
He stood there with his arms crossed over his chest and she paused, trying to get her breath back.
"Mulder, it's only sometimes that I blame you. Only when I've had nightmares or a bad day, or I'm feeling mean and alone. I know it's not your fault. I know that better than I know anything, but sometimes it's just easier to blame you than to deal with it. And I hate that about myself. I hate that I let myself get mad at you for no reason. I hate that I hold it all inside until it breaks me and breaks you and I hate that we have all these issues because I'm too lazy to deal."
"Scully, why didn't you ever tell me?"
"Because," she started as the tears fell down her face. "I was scared that you'd leave me."
"What?"
"You always walk away when we fight and I was afraid that would happen again. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to fix it and…" her words were cut off by a small sob and no matter how hurt he was, he couldn't help reaching out and drawing her into his arms.
"I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay."
"I love you. It's not your fault. I'm not mad at you."
"It's okay, Scully. I understand. Sometimes I blame you when we can't find the evidence I want. And it's not your fault, but it's easier to blame you than to face the fact that we have no control over it."
"I don't want you to leave me, Mulder. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't know how to do anything. I need you with me."
"I know. I won't leave you, Scully. We're partners, for better or worse, in spite of ourselves."
"I think," she started with a hiccup. "I've been so scared of losing you that I keep pushing you away."
"It's okay. We can fix it. But we're going to have to stop keeping things from each other just because we're scared."
"What are you keeping from me?"
He sighed and tipped her face up, kissing the tears away before speaking.
"Sometimes I think that you secretly want me to fail, just so you can say I told you so. I feel like you get some kind of thrill from being right. And I know you don't. I know you want the truth above all else, but sometimes it's like you delight in me being wrong."
"It's not that I want you to be wrong, it's just that sometimes I want to be right."
He smiled and kissed her forehead, eliciting a deep sigh from her. It had been ages since the last forehead kiss and she didn't realize how much she had missed it and needed it.
"We have a lot of talking to do," he said after a moment. "Wanna get out of here?"
She nodded and slid her fingers through his and they walked back to their cabin. Without discussing it, they both shed their coats and shoes and crawled up onto her bed. She snuggled up against his chest, getting as close as she could without actually existing in the same space as him. His fingers combed through her hair repeatedly and she nearly purred. He had only soothed her like this once before, and it had brought them so close together, into such a tight bond that she had thought it would never go away. Each fluid motion of his hand seemed to whisper calm, fix, comfort, repair. A tremor passed through her and he kissed her forehead again and hooked his ankle around hers.
"Mulder?"
"Yeah?"
Her mind struggled to think of the words and get them to come out of her mouth the correct way, but the emotions were making it a lot harder.
"I like this," she finally managed to say. He nodded, his thumb brushing over the scar on her neck. "Can we… I mean…when…"
She sighed as her brain failed her.
"I don't want to leave this here."
"We don't have to."
"Okay."
His finger traced her ear, and one by one, she let go of the frustrations and the hurts, the yelling and the tears and held desperately to the sweeter memories. She imagined that the strength of his arms held the memories in, locking them into both of their minds. She knew that eventually they would have to let go, but that time was not now, and they could both hold on as tightly as they needed.