Disclaimer: I do not own LOST or any of its characters. This is a satirical work of fiction and it is not to be taken seriously. I know nothing more about the show than any other die-hard fan, and any statements I make that have not been cleared on the show came from my brain.
Lana: Hello and welcome to the third q/a chapter of Ask The Losties! I'm excited to get this story going again, and I hope that I can get enough questions every time that I can do so. First we have five questions from Girafe13.
To Jack: How do you manage to cry in every episode?
Jack: I – I do NOT cry in every episode! I am very masculine, and I never cry. Ever.
Kate: Um, Jack, Girafe13 is right. You cry constantly. It's... embarrassing.
Jack: crying You're mean! And a liar! I never cry! Never! sob
To Vincent: Woof woof?
Vincent: Woof woof, woof woof. Bark woof yap yap woof... bark...
Walt: That... that was beautiful, Vincent...
Vincent: woof woof.
To Sawyer: Who would you turn gay for?
Sawyer: What the hell kind of question is THAT? I am straight as a pole -
Jack: interrupts A pole that's been hit by a car, maybe...
Sawyer: Shut up, Sobby McCrys-a-lot. Point is this question ain't applicable on account of how straight I am.
Kate: You have to answer, Sawyer.
Lana: gives him Veritaserum (for those who don't read Harry Potter, it's a potion that makes someone tell the truth)
Sawyer: Bernard.
Everyone: stares
Bernard: What. The. Hell.
Rose: Stay away from my man, Ford.
To Ben: Would you date Rousseau?
Ben: No, she's not Juliet – I mean not... fat enough. Yep, that's it.
Juliet: facepalm ohmygod, Ben, you HAVE TO STOP.
Ben: YOU'RE MINE!
Sawyer: glares and shakes head
Ben: I mean, Happy Birthday!
To Miles: Why do you believe in duct tape?
Miles: What's not to believe in? There's a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Hurley: Dude, it's just like the force!
Miles: Exactly, man.
Lana: Next we have three questions from Unidentified Pineapples.
To Ben: Will you marry me?
Ben: Are you Juliet?
Lana: I doubt it.
Ben: Then no.
Juliet: I'm not even going to say anything anymore.
To Jacob: Why did you have to throw your own brother down a well where he
ultimately died? How could you?
Jacob: What would you do if your brother killed your mother? I was angry.
Man In Black: I told you she wasn't our real mother.
Jacob: She may not have given birth to us, but she did raise us and care for us. You had no right to kill her.
Man In Black: You had no right to kill me.
Jacob: Just returning the favor since Mother couldn't.
Lana: Okay, let's stop this fight and go on.
To The Man In Black: Are you upset that you never got to find out what was "across the sea"?
Man In Black: Very much. I only ever knew the Island, and I was sick of it. Leaving was the only thing I ever wanted, and it was taken away from me.
Lana: Alright, next three are from eyeon.
To Jack and Juliet: What about the whole David thing? How did THAT
happen? I get you were young-there has to be a story there.
Juliet: That was a weird parallel universe type thing, so... none of this is true. James, this means that you CANNOT hurt Jack.
Sawyer: But -
Juliet: No.
Sawyer: okay.
Jack: We met in Medical School. We were young, and we went to a party.
Juliet: One thing led to another, and pretty soon we were under an air hockey table and Jack had my bra between his teeth.
Sawyer: I promised I wouldn't kill the guy, but could you please spare the details?
Juliet: Sorry, James. Anyway, Jack convinced me that he knew 'a special trick' so we wouldn't have to use protection, and well...
Jack: My trick didn't work.
To Sun: Why didn't you even try to get Jin to save himself and raise
your daughter?
Sun: But I did! I tried,, pleaded with him, but... after you love someone like I love Jin, you know things about them no one else knows.
Jin: She knew I wouldn't leave.
Sun: Besides, Kate was on the market for surrogate mom now that she found Claire.
Kate: smiles I raised Ji Yeon. Well, more like Claire and I ended up raising both Ji Yeon and Aaron together.
Sawyer: Aw, yeah. Kinky.
Kate: Get your mind out of the gutter, Sawyer! We just raised kids together. Purely platonic.
To Claire: How did you survive in the jungle all that time, with just Smokey (and was there something going on there?)
Claire: The same way Rousseau did. Survival instinct. Granted, I ended up borderline insane, but I survived.
Charlie: Wait, what do they mean, 'Was there something going on there'? They're kidding, right?
Claire: You really think – I'm not even going to finish that sentence.
Man In Black/Smokey: Don't deny your love, sweet-cheeks...
Claire: Not now, Smokey.
Charlie: Sweet-cheeks!
Lana: Alright, now we have five questions from Golden-Black Dragon.
To Hurley: So why did you make Ben your deputy? Have you not seen the evil stuff
that Ben's done?
Hurley: Everyone deserves a second chance, dude. I know that Ben's like been a major douche to just about everybody, but there towards the end, he did help us. Sort of. And he needed a second chance.
Ben: Thank you, Hugo.
Hurley: He was kind of a crappy deputy, though.
Ben: Never mind.
To Man In Black: Are you upset that your evil master-plan was thwarted by a
doctor with a God-Complex and his ragtag band of misfits?
MIB: Yeah, actually. I never expected the scrawny little crybaby to have it in him.
Jack: I am not a crybaby!
MIB: Yes you are. Anyway, I figure that if I had known what was going to happen, I would have been able to kill the little bitch.
To Boone: You do realize that you could've just climbed out of the
drug-smugglers' plane before it fell on top of you and crushed you to death?
Boone: Yeah, I just... wanted to keep talking on the radio. I thought it might get us rescued.
Locke: The boy never was very smart.
Shannon: agreed.
Boone: Hey!
To Jack: Why do you have this weird urge to fix things?
Jack: Because things need to be fixed. All things. By me. No exceptions.
To Jack: Was there ever a time in your life when you were able to switch
off your inbuilt "SAVIOUR MODE"?
Jack: Not really. See answer above.