Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

Trying hard to speak, and fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction, it's all part of the plan...
I dive in at the deep end; you become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can.

- Coldplay, "X&Y"

Maybe he's not even human, some would say. After all, I've never even seen him sleep.

Those who have worked with me on cases have witnessed my incredible tenacity and dedication to justice. All hours of the night, I would be fixed onto my computer, communicating with officers worldwide. If there was a report, I was always ready to answer it. It was reasonable for them to assume that I have never slept.

But no human can abstain from sleep completely. It was illogical and necessary for human function. With chronic insomnia brings schizophrenic tendencies and hallucinations, neither of which was ever present in me. I found the notion quite silly. If asked, I told them that I merely hated sleep.

Why?

Because it was unattainable.

When I did become fatigued I would sleep, but it usually was about forty-eight or seventy-two hours later. And when I did sleep, I dreamt of my ghost of a mother, the orphanage, past criminals, and Kira. The images would swirl in my head, reminding me of every mistake and inaccessible desire. The whole sleeping process was rather unpleasant for me. Instead of resting, I took to examining evidence in bed, my bright laptop open in the darkness of the room. The case would be solved, no matter what.

I would always look over to the man sleeping next to me, to see if he was awake or not. Though he was my suspect, I felt a sort of comfort in having Raito next to me. I never knew why; I couldn't remember the last time I had slept with someone in a bed. I slept fine by myself. But I did not regret being handcuffed to him. When sleep finally managed to overcome me, the dreams were light. They often vanished from memory in the morning.

Raito would sleep half the night and then awaken, the names 'Kira' and 'L' harsh on his lips. I deduced then that he dreamt that he was Kira, which raised my suspicion of him. But I would not reveal that to him, not when he was so keen on talking in his sleep. He was still my suspect, despite our growing friendship (which should have been false). I could uncover valuable information from his unconscious. It was possible that his memory had not been erased entirely, if the theory that his power passed was true.

When Raito did wake from the nightmares, he would watch me. I could feel those soft, amber eyes on me. I pretended not to notice. His question was probably 'When does Ryuuzaki sleep?', the one asked by many others. I wanted to avoid that conversation as much as possible. Soon enough, he would drift off in slumber and recite the same names and murmured phrases. I recorded them every night and played them back in the morning.

Of course, you know the obvious reasons for doing so. But a part of me played back the recording to hear that voice again. The silkiness of it would make me tremble, my body burning with a foreign need. It was an uncomfortable feeling, but one that I had not felt in such a long time. I enjoyed it, and hated that I found enjoyment in listening to my suspect's voice.

And so, this continued, until the night Raito caught me in tears.

It was the same night that I had received that message from Watari. I suppose it's all right to tell you this now; after all, who could reach me from here? Anyway, Watari had finally stated his reason for not telling me about my birth mother.

"It would be too dangerous for both of you, L."

The elderly man had received a message from Wammy's House that night. Roger was the one to talk to her. My mother was actually looking for me, knowing that I had a connection to the orphanage. She wanted to know if the orphanage really was for her son, L Lawliet, and if I was the famous detective that dared to speak on national television. After all, she had named me. She must have made the connection. It was quite impressive, and I concluded that my mother must have known Watari personally. But Roger denied the relationship between L and Wammy's House, and that Lawliet was still dead. He had been for at least seventeen years.

Watari expressed his astonishment, for the woman was supposed to be in hiding and without knowledge of the orphanage's true intentions. In fact, he was convinced that she had passed away. He told me to reconsider any rash decision I might have had in mind. He refused to tell me her name. I understood that I could not ever know her name, nor meet and talk to her as Lawliet. After all, the child prodigy that lived with Quillish Wammy, who grew up regarding him as a father, no longer lived on this earth.

But the thought of her existence made the tears fall.

And as much as I wished he didn't, Raito witnessed it all. He began this forbidden cycle. I should have been the one to end it.

We both were fools.

After that short 'moment of passion', I found myself sleeping more.

My dreams were no longer haunting visions or memories. They were inviting, pleasant, and free of worry. Around me would be the quintessential paradise: there were no clouds to block the sunlight, the vegetation was lush, and streams trickled into crystal clear rivers. The dimmed hotel rooms that I found solace in were no match for that place. I was free. There was no Kira, no criminal activity, and no isolation. I found happiness in being with Yagami Raito, my memories of the murderer distant and without merit in that Eden.

"Tell me everything, L. Your childhood, your teenage years, your cake adoration. I want to hear it."

So, I would tell him everything. I mentioned my faint memories of my mother's voice. I talked about Watari, the talent he saw in me, and his desire to build the House in my honor. My first taste of strawberry shortcake, falling in love for the first time, and meeting Misora Naomi in Los Angeles. I told him everything, without ever feeling that I should not have said it. I was safe there. It was just Raito.

I would awaken to the cold light of day, wanting nothing more than to return. It had felt so good to trust.

As for Raito, he no longer mentioned Kira in his sleep. All I would hear escape from his lips in the night was my name...sometimes 'L', sometimes 'Ryuuzaki', or 'Ryuuga'. His dreams were certainly pleasant, as I would see a wide grin spread across the man's face. Raito would clutch onto me, angelic in slumber. Without fail, his face and movements would create warmth within me. I came to adore the feeling. It was the closest I could come to the utopia in my dreams.

It unnerved me to think that I wanted him so much. Out of all people, Yagami Raito was the one to create this stir. I suppose any woman would praise me for good taste, for so many seemed to fall for him at first sight. He was indisputably attractive, that much was true. But that was not the only aspect of the young man I found enticing. For me, I think it was an 'opposites attract' effect, as they say. Everything about him was systematic, fixed, and alluring. Yet, we were similar. Raito was the genius that matched mine. He was the only one who could say what I was thinking. Not to mention the amber-painted eyes that he would look upon me with, so sure of himself and willing to help.

For that gaze, I would surely live again...if only to see it in blinding intensity.

And his taste...but I digress.

Two nights before the Yotsuba infiltration, I took to searching for my mother. The thought of her at Wammy's House had never left my mind. I checked to see if Raito was asleep before opening my laptop. I felt fatigue tugging at my eyelids. I added five more sugar cubes to my tea, and brought the cup to my lips. I would put aside the case for five minutes. The evidence of my mother that I received from Watari was not very helpful, but it was all I had. Five minutes, and then I could go back to what was most important: Kira (though he possibly slept next to me).

One of the children from Wammy's House was gifted in technology. He was the one to give me my laptop. The defenses on the machine were superior to any security system in the country. I was thankful for such a gift, but at times like this it frightened me to search for personal things. What if they should find out where my family was? If they were intelligent enough, they could trace it back to a boy named Lawliet. Or what if they did not find out where they were, but instead found out about where I had been abandoned? I had put my faith in an orphan that could easily expose me to the world. I trusted the boys from the orphanage far too much.

After several minutes, a pair of familiar eyes stared at me from the screen.

My eyes, though they were not darkened underneath.

The last search pulled up a photo from a recent French magazine: Les Maisons Merveilleuses. Taken in Marseille, a couple sat in front of an enormous mansion. According to the magazine, he was a wealthy Anglais who had taken the woman next to him as his wife several months prior. He had bought the mansion the previous year and married her in the ballroom. I stared at the woman in the picture, intent on finding out her identity.

The woman, no older than forty, had shared some of my characteristics: huge, black eyes, dark hair, and the congruent shape of our faces. But I did not want to believe that this raven-haired beauty was my birth mother. She was far too lovely, too graceful, and seemed too normal to have conceived someone like me. Not to mention that she would have had to conceive me as an adolescent. Still, I did not push the thought completely from my mind.

"Ryuuzaki," Raito murmured. I tensed at the mention of my alias. I quickly closed the laptop. He was dreaming of me, and I was thrilled by the thought.

I looked to my suspect, crestfallen. I somewhat wished that the Française had been my real mother. I was certain that Raito found me grotesque, even for a man. The permanent darkness under my eyes, unruly hair, and pallid complexion were no match for his magnificence. Raito turned over in his sleep, as though he heard my thoughts and wanted me to praise him further. I caught a glimpse of his peaceful, seemingly angelic face.

"Jamais je ne t'oublierai," I sang quietly.

I recalled the first day I laid eyes on the college student. I watched him through the surveillance cameras, looking for any hint that he was Kira. I began to feel a stir within me that expanded with his every movement. I concluded that it was anxiety, and thus nothing to be worried about. But the stir grew into a gnawing pain that never vanished. With it would follow despair. The feelings were made worse with Raito's presence, sharper with the sound of his voice, more piercing with his displays of intelligence and reasoning. I hated him at first, I will admit. I let him get to me. I was letting him inflict this pain upon me in a move to defeat me.

Until the night we kissed. And a part of me still loathes him for it.

"L..." he trailed off, lips pouted and inviting.

Hesitant, I bent down to place a kiss upon them. Raito mumbled incoherently, a smile on his face.

"That's for talking in your sleep, Raito-kun," I whispered in his ear.

"Unh...Ryuuzaki..." He began to snore quietly.

I took a piece of candy from the box on the nightstand. I popped it into my mouth, followed by a sip of tea (ten sugar cubes, just the way I like it) and a bite of strawberry shortcake. My knees held fast against my chest. I needed to think this over. More importantly, I needed to continue on the case. I turned on my laptop, pulling out all sorts of files and videos, searching for something, anything. But I found my thoughts turning to Raito.

The truth is that I never planned to act on whatever I felt for him. That would have been idiotic. Being the first Kira, he would take advantage and sweet-talk me into my grave. At that moment it was probable that Raito had no memory of being Kira, or his powers had been transferred. But, as L, I couldn't take any chances. What if they were to come back, along with the memories of being my enemy? He would twist the knife until it could go no further. I would be finished.

At that thought, I recalled the kisses...Raito's velvet skin...his taste...his touch...the moans and cries. My breath was caught in my chest, a shiver up my curved spine. I did not miss the touch of another human being, but it felt so good that I wondered how I lived without it for so long. A part of me longed to wake Raito up and insist on another spur-of-the-moment passion, however ridiculous it sounded.

"Ryuu..." murmured Raito.

I convinced myself that what I felt was psychological. I craved the companionship I had deprived myself of. I unconsciously longed to feel a love like Amane Misa's, to find someone who would help me leave that soothing loneliness. Any normal human would feel this way. And Raito stirred the deep-seated passion. I wanted and needed his presence to 'complete' myself.

Then, I convinced myself that what I felt could be scientifically explained. I would then couple with him in a mutual, monogamous relationship. After all, love was merely chemicals in the brain to further the human race. Of course, the exception to this hypothesis was the fact that Raito and I were both male, and neither one of us were capable of reproduction.

I began to question myself. Was I looking at this the wrong way? Could human desire, as powerful as it already was, be controlled?

More than anything, I could not let myself get carried away. It was wrong to even have a sexual relationship with Yagami Raito. If I did something about it, it would be for my own good. This man was not to be trusted, especially with what he knew about me. He would lead me to death: physically, emotionally, or both. And I could not afford to die in any way. I had to remember who I was and what my role in life was. I could no longer let myself go the way I once did, especially with Kira in the world.

I was L.

There was no point in forming relationships, whether they were old ones like family...or even newer ones, like Yagami Soichiro's son.

L didn't do things like that.

I woke up that morning, surprised that I had fallen asleep. I was in my usual position, hunched over my closed laptop, and in pain. With a groan, I tugged on the handcuffs to see if Raito was awake. His amber eyes fluttered open. The college student looked up at me with a grin.

"Good morning, Ryuuzaki. Are you all right today?" The same thing he asked everyday.

His sultry voice alone was enough to tear me asunder.

Being handcuffed together made certain morning routines difficult. The morning shower was especially one we would fight about. I would release him for his shower, but I sat in the bathroom with him until he was done. I insisted that he do the same for me. It was all rather awkward for Raito, but it did not bother me in the slightest. I just watched him until I finished my shower. But Raito would blush, comment on the situation ("Why the hell are you so strange?"), and grumble as he stepped into the stall.

But that morning, as I released the younger man, he took me by the hand. Those same entrancing eyes caught me by surprise. Raito bit his lip before closing the distance between us. I hated so much that I loved his kisses. They were enough to make me forget my purpose. I inhaled. His smell, his taste, and his touch were all so maddening. Yes. If there was one word to describe what he had created within me, it was 'maddening'. The man had ignited such a fire in me, as I had not felt since then. I wanted to take him into my mouth again, and drink every drop like I did that night...

No.

"Ryuuzaki, come in with me," he whispered, his breath against my lips.

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Raito-kun."

"Just once," he insisted.

Raito turned on the hot water. The steam began to fill the large bathroom, rising to the ceiling in translucent clouds. He loosed his shirt one button at a time, revealing the taut skin underneath. Raito chuckled, noticing that I had watched him undress the entire time. The awkwardness he usually felt had dissipated. I felt my cheeks become hot, hoping that other body parts would not follow suit. The man stepped into the shower, beckoning me near. I undressed quickly, not wanting to put on any show for my suspect. The last thing I needed was for this to lead to more than it should. I needed to be in control.

I did not trust either one of us, but I went along with whatever Raito wanted. My main reason for befriending him was to gain his trust and make him confess. Our friendship would be used to my advantage. Now that our situation had escalated beyond my predictions, I had a greater advantage. I could uncover more. Yes, I was convinced that the impulses were a blessing. All I had to do was maintain composure. This request of his would surely ruin my chances. I would not submit so easily to my 'passions', as I had several nights before.

Or so I thought.

I stepped in. Though the shower stall was quite spacious, Raito pulled me closer to his wet body. The contact was enough to make me shudder with desire. No, I had to stay focused. His lips brushed against mine. I felt his hard erection touch my thigh. I attempted to stand up straight (it was then I noticed that I was actually taller than him), melting into the kiss. God, help me if he really was Kira, and I had to live without this!

Raito pinned me to the tiled wall. His tongue delved deeper into my mouth. The hot water of the shower was no match for the heat I felt within. I reached out to bury my fingers into his water-soaked chestnut hair. Raito made his way to the nape of my neck, the suction from his mouth leaving an apparent bruise. I heard moans reverberate on the walls of the shower, and realized that they were my own. I clenched my teeth. I was losing focus, and something needed to be done. Raito/Kira was not supposed to overcome me.

I was L.

"Raito-kun, I won't be able to cover that up," I managed to gasp out. He moved to blow gently into my ear. I shuddered, not expecting the surprising effect.

"I'll say that I hit you for upping your suspicion to fifteen point five percent," he said, laughing against my wet skin.

"I doubt they'll believe that. There's a vast difference between a hit from a bruise (no, no more, Raito, please) and what you have just given me."

Raito paused. He pulled away, gazing at me. I could not turn away from those eyes, or the glorious man that they belonged to. Tiny drops of water fell onto his smooth skin and decorated his hair like crystal beads. The steam surrounded us, and the man in front of me took in that warm feeling. Raito closed his eyes, his sighs deep and content. It was then that I noticed how straight he stood, a great contrast to my askew posture. This man was confident, unyielding, and sure of himself.

In my mind, Kira would stand like that too.

I turned away from Raito, grabbing a bar of soap from the shelf. It was time to focus now. No more getting carried away. I lathered up, hearing the sloshing suds seep into the drain. My back was completely turned from the college student. He probably questioned this sudden change of behavior, but knew the reason for my reaction. After all, we were the same.

"What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" he asked, a slight hint of annoyance in his voice.

"What exactly are we doing, Raito-kun? None of it makes sense. Like I've said before, we really shouldn't be doing this."

"It's not like we can take it back."

I felt his body closing in on mine.

"I can only blame your teenage hormones and my celibacy for all of these escapades."

"Could be."

I felt his hands wrap around my thin frame. He clutched my sex in his hands. I gasped.

"We won't be able to hide this for too long."

"The only one that won't believe us is Matsuda (you like that, don't you?), and no one ever takes that idiot seriously."

"I suppose...ah, Raito-kun!"

He held me in his slick hand, the length gliding between each finger. Several nights prior, Raito confessed that he had never been with a man before. It made me the more experienced one, much to my surprise. Yet, he knew exactly what to do to elicit a response every single time. Moreover, he had deduced what was needed. He had found out what I liked, what I didn't, and things that I wasn't even aware of. It was more than I could say for myself, but I refused to believe that his intelligence was far superior to mine.

The thought, however, was alluring.

"You guys have been acting weird these days. Is there something going on that I don't know about?" Matsuda, as usual. The idiot grinned, hoping to catch me in some sort of truth.

"Nothing that concerns you," I replied dryly, taking a bite out of a Bavarian cream doughnut. My tongue lapped the custard. Raito watched me, his eyebrow twitching. He moved to where his father was, distracted by my eating habits.

"Really, Ryuuzaki, you can trust me with your secrets! I won't tell anyone else that you're involved with Yagami-kun! Though it would break Misa-Misa's heart to hear that her boyfriend is gay. But I support you guys, really!"

The idiot was much too loud. Overhearing his son's name coupled with mine, Yagami Soichiro shot a glare at me, one eyebrow raised. I took another bite of my doughnut. The last thing I wanted at that time was attention. Noticing the glare, Raito stood behind his father. He laughed. The father turned to the son, traces of anger on his fatigued face.

"What is all this about, Raito?" he asked in his authoritative tone.

"Don't worry about it, Dad. Matsuda is obviously delusional," said Raito, placing one hand on his father's shoulder.

"Hey, wait just a minute," said Matsuda, dejected.

Yagami-san shook his head. "Not that I would object to any...relationship that you two develop. But I don't think it would be wise."

The air in the building was tense, awkward. Raito placed one palm on his forehead in frustration. Yagami-san turned his eyes away from me. He was clearly against the thought of budding homosexuality in his son. And the thought of Raito being in love with another man, especially someone as eccentric and frank as me, was probably frightening. But it wasn't as though we were in love. That was a laughable concept.

Why did that upset me so much?

"There is no exclusive relationship between Raito and I. He is still my suspect." I sipped my tea. "Any romantic involvement would be disastrous, Yagami-san."

He breathed a sigh, possibly of relief. "Well, then. That's good to know, Ryuuzaki."

Raito raised an eyebrow.

"Can we please get back to the case?" said Mogi, upset.

I took another bite of my doughnut. To be honest, I was quite disappointed in Yagami-san. He never picked up on the exclusive.

Though they noticed our change in behavior, the only one to mention it at that time was Matsuda. Considering the resignations of the three officers and Aizawa's leave, it was to be expected. I was glad for the information we received those past few days. We would be able to put all our focus on infiltrating Yotsuba, where the next Kira was sure to be. I felt that we were getting closer to the murderer, and therefore closer to my goal of capturing him. I also would be able to distract myself from all that had happened between Raito and I.

I guess I should give Matsuda my thanks.

As I explained my deductions and planned our capture of the next Kira, my thoughts would stray to Raito. It was aggravating. Every word that came from that mellifluous voice created those strange knots in my abdomen. They were brilliant and always worthy of my attention. I listened intently to every exclamation and disregard for my ideas, though it was his that should have been inferior. But Raito matched me in every way, even in thought.

He could have been my successor.

And if he were Kira, he would not hesitate.

"At this rate, if I die, you could probably become the successor to the L name, Yagami-kun," I said.

It was a thought I entertained often, but it was no more than just a thought. I still suspected him of being Kira. As both Kira and L, Raito would be untouchable. Only the real Kira would be quick to take my place. He was just that clever, vile, and ambitious. I hoped that he would decline the offer I gave him, if only to decrease my suspicion. I had become too fond of Raito.

But Raito read between the lines. He declined, saying it was ridiculous. He knew why I would offer my position in the first place. I shouldn't have been surprised that he knew what I really meant, but my affection for him increased tenfold.

I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. It was electrifying, multiplying until I could no longer stand the pain that I felt within. I wanted to find the perpetrator fast, if only to keep Raito here and indulge in all my unwelcome dreams. The touch, however, was not one of affection. He was upset.

Raito turned me around. I faced him. He was truly intent on getting his point across. I'm not Kira, he would say over and over, convincing me to let go. Begging me to submit to him. But I could not let go of my theories. No, he was who I said he was.

Our eyes met, my darkness searching within his depths. I could not turn away from those amber eyes...the ones that watched me every night, worried over my condition, and saw my thoughts before I could create them. Raito gripped tightly onto me, and I could recall his arms wrapped around me the night before, and the warmth they created...

"If I capture the current Kira...after that, do you really think I would become Kira...become a murderer...? Do I really look like that kind of person?"

The truth was there, hidden within those depths. I knew he had lost his memories. He wouldn't know that he was Kira, or capable of doing the same things.

It almost convinced me.

But I had to remember who I was.

I was L.

And L was seldom wrong.

"That's what I think, and that's how you look."

I could have sworn it was my harsh words that dealt the blow to my face, a punishment carried out. An eye for an eye. But it was Raito that hit me, angered by my insistence. I reached up to kick his, our violence matched in perfect time. Matsuda called a time-out, but that changed nothing.

Raito was livid. After all, how could you still suspect the person you called a friend? The person that kept you inside his arms, willing to help you? The one that worried about you each day?

L could. It was easier than trusting.

Later that night, I decided to contact Watari. If there was anyone I felt that I should talk to, it was him. I could not trust anyone else with what I had to say. In the darkened room, I listened for any sign of an awakened Raito. As expected, he was sound asleep, unaware of my actions. Hesitant, I sent Watari a private message.

"What is it, L?" His warm smile popped into my mind. I was grateful for his attention to me.

Even though the systems we both used had state-of-the-art defenses, he was not comfortable with calling me L Lawliet so frivolously. In fact, I couldn't recall the last time he had ever called me by my true name. I preferred one of my numerous aliases. The name seemed so foreign and surreal to me, as though Lawliet had been a person that lived in a dream. It carried too much baggage for something only seven letters long. I was not sure if I could ever assume that name again.

I typed with fervor on my laptop.

"I'm sure you have observed what has occurred. If it's possible, I would like to talk to you as..." I stopped and pressed 'enter'. I was not too sure how to put my feelings into words. It had been a long time since I came to Watari in that sort of situation.

"As a son would to his father?" he asked.

"Sort of."

"Then, please talk to me. Everything will be in confidence, as usual."

I hesitated again. "I'm not sure what to do about Yagami Raito. It angers me, not only that I don't know what to do, but that I'm unsure in the first place. This shouldn't even be a question, or a problem."

"He reminds you of 'A'. That's the problem."

A.

That was a name I hadn't heard in a long time.

"I've considered that a possibility. But it's been ten years. It doesn't make sense that I would still be affected by him."

So, I suppose I'm telling you more than I wanted. But A is a story best left for another time. I doubt he's here with us, but it would not matter anyway. It's been so long that anything I felt for him in the past has dissolved. Now...

"Feelings cannot be solved," he replied. "There is no way to go about this as a detective would, L. But I would advise you to be careful where you step. I trust your judgment wholly, and all evidence so far has pointed to Yagami Raito. Separate him from A. They are not the same."

"No, they are not."

And Watari was right.

Raito was more glorious, more brilliant, more of everything. The first candidate for my position paled in comparison to this suspect of mine. How I wished he wasn't Kira! It could be as simple as saying that I had zero suspicion, but it was not that easy. It never could be as simple as it sounded.

"Thank you, Watari," I typed, wishing I hadn't mentioned it. I felt foolish, like a schoolgirl with a crush.

"Know that I care about you more than anything."

The old inventor had always said that to me, ever since I could remember. And then she came to mind.

"Is her name Amélie Collins? Was she the one that named me?"

I waited for Watari's reply, but none came. It wasn't until I worked on the case the following night that an email appeared in my inbox.

L,

She named you. And loved you very much.
To leave you with me was the last thing she wanted to do.
Know that much, and know that I care about you more than anything.

Watari

We both lay awake in the night, unable to fall asleep. A draft made its way into the room. I shivered. As though it were instinct, Raito pulled my body closer to his. He was so warm. I buried my head in his chest, plagued by my suspicion. I thought of Raito pulling a knife to thrust into my back. Or he would simply imagine my death and I would collapse into his arms. I wondered if that was how Kira really did kill.

I had wanted so much for that man to be the perpetrator. The case would have been solved, and I would have brought justice onto yet another mass murderer. It was shocking how much my viewpoint had changed since then. Lying next to Raito, I realized that I didn't want him to be Kira anymore. I didn't want to tell him what I thought, or how he really looked to me. I had grown sick of it. But I was right, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was so sure he was the one. And I had to win, no matter what.

But executing him would mean that I could never touch his skin, feel his lips on mine, or look into his eyes. He would never wrap those arms around me in slumber, laugh, or raise an eyebrow at my idiosyncrasy. I didn't know what to do anymore. There were no clever plans I could think of. There was no way to erase the memories or stirrings of the heart. It was all so incredibly wicked and evil. It was a crime, a case I could not solve.

"Are you still awake, Ryuuzaki?" asked Raito in a whisper.

"Yes. I'm far too anxious to sleep." Both Yagami Soichiro and Watari had insisted that I rest before Misa's debut before Yotsuba. Impossible.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, surprised.

"For punching you."

"That's quite all right. I'm sorry for kicking you."

"And?" Raito paused, waiting for another apology. I smiled. I knew exactly what he wanted. I could not give that to him just yet.

"I'm not sorry for accusing you, if that's what you want to hear, Raito-kun."

I felt him tense up.

"I guess it can't be helped," said Raito, relaxing.

We were silent for a while. I felt his slender hands in my hair, combing through the haphazard tresses. Is it possible to be at ease and tense at the same time? That was how it felt with Raito. I never rested, and it was rest in itself.

"Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes?"

"Do you really believe that Misa's the perfect woman for me?"

"If you want her to be." I hated those words the moment they fell from my lips.

Oh yes, earlier that week. I had said too many things I did not wish to say; too many things that were painful ("Her love for Raito-kun is the greatest in the world..."). But I began to admire Amane Misa. In working with the actress, I felt a deep respect for her as I had not felt for any woman before. Her declarations of love, though unnoticed by Yagami Raito, were sincere...beautiful, even. She did not hesitate to give her life for the college student. As for me, I would be too selfish to do such a thing.

I wanted her to be the second Kira, but a minuscule part of me wished for her to be innocent, if that meant that we would be real friends. She did not have to lie about her feelings. How many times did I lie about mine? Though I considered them white lies and necessary to solve the case, they were lies nonetheless. I could never be as truthful to Raito as this girl was.

But was I admitting that I did feel something for Raito? It couldn't be.

"Raito-kun?"

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"How do you feel about..." The words had spilled from my lips without any thought.

"About?" questioned Raito, curious.

"...her?" I filled in quickly.

"Well," began Raito, "I honestly see her as friend. Not a lover. I'm sure any guy would be lucky to have her, but I think she's far from the perfect woman for me."

"Who would be the perfect woman for you, then?"

He was silent once again. I pulled away, my depthless eyes meeting his.

"I don't know. I've never really thought about it."

I turned to grab two strawberries from the bowl on the nightstand. I handed one to Raito, and pushed one into my mouth. Separating the leaf from the fruit, I placed the green part on the nightstand. It was not helping me think any more clearly. Maybe it needed chocolate or whipped cream. I thought of Raito together with the whipped cream. I cringed at the unwelcome, yet enticing idea.

"You weren't going to ask about Misa, were you?" asked Raito. My heart sped up.

"What do you mean, Raito-kun?"

"You know exactly what I mean, Ryuuzaki. It's my feelings for you that you really wanted to know about. You wouldn't have hesitated to ask if it was Misa, unless you were afraid of the answer. Either way, you wanted to know how I felt about you and no one else."

He always knew what I was thinking. "Well, then, since that's your assumption...what is your answer?"

"Which proves my theory right. You really did want to know. " He sighed. "To be honest, I'm not sure at all. We're enemies, aren't we?"

"Only if you're Kira."

"Which is a 'yes' in your book."

Raito paused.

"Ryuuzaki, I enjoy the time we spend together. Had we not been in this situation, I think we would've been very good friends. Maybe more. But we can't do anything, not with me as your prime suspect."

"Are you implying that you feel something for me, Raito-kun?" I had never wanted to know the truth so much in my life. I had lost complete control.

"I guess so. Yes, I suppose you can say I am. I really do like you. More than Misa, at least."

To his surprise, I laughed.

"I wish all of this never happened, Ryuuzaki."

"I wish it didn't either."

"So, what do we do now?"

The answer was quite obvious. I was surprised that Raito did not realize it himself. He was right that day. Neither of us could forget what had happened, but neither of us could let it go on. I looked into his eyes. Raito was afraid, sad even.

"We should stop, Raito-kun. It would be the wisest decision of all."

"What would we be then, Ryuuzaki?"

"Exactly where we began. We need to do what we have to do, and not focus so much on ourselves. That goes for both Kira and L."

I heard a loud groan of frustration.

"It sounds like you want Kira to continue killing so that you can capture him...or me, specifically."

"Possibly."

"And I'm sure you don't have any...feelings for me, anyway."

Every nerve in my body seemed to freeze. Of course, I did not feel anything for Raito. This was all meaningless. I should be gaining his trust and getting him to reveal his true intentions. Why was I wasting my time on frivolous sexual encounters? Raito probably wanted to use my feelings against me, no matter how much he protested that he was not Kira. But my feelings would not acquiesce to reason.

I reached up, my lips meeting his. Raito moved, his body pinning mine down onto the mattress. In the dark of the night, there were only the sounds of flesh against flesh, clothes discarded onto the floor. I was losing control again, but I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore. I allowed Raito to touch every part of me, to run his hands across my thin frame. My thoughts strayed to A, then to Kira, finally focusing on Raito himself.

Yagami Raito.

Right now, you aren't Kira. Not here, and not now.

Not only was I willing to lie to everyone else, but I lied to myself.

The younger man trembled a bit. He had not done any of this before, and was unsure of where to go. I gently guided him to his intended destination. He entered. I gasped, feeling every inch of Raito inside of me (it had been such a long time since...), and I pulled him closer. The pleasure flooded my senses. All I could see, feel, and hear was Raito. He took my sex into his hand, his fingers sliding up and down its length.

Raito-kun, Raito-kun, Raito-kun, was all that I could think. It was moments later that I realized I was screaming his name. The words echoed in the large bedroom.

"Ryuuzaki..." breathed the younger man, chestnut hair dripping with sweat. He moved in and out, delighted to hear my voice. Raito bent down to kiss me, his tongue moving across my own.

Raito-kun, I do have feelings for you, I thought.

To this day, I still wonder if I said it aloud.

With a deep breath (his or mine?) I felt him spill inside of me. Raito moved his hands from my sex, replacing them with his mouth. I released into it, wondering if I tasted just as sweet as he did.

"Ah, Raito-kun..."

As though he knew what I was thinking, his rosy lips brushed against mine. Nothing like his, as similar as we were.

A cold wave of apprehension washed over me. The kiss became frigid. I began to feel sad; as though it would be the last time I would be with Raito...not the suspect, but the honest, genuine, human being that Kira was not. Never again would we hold each other. I would return to the cold, to the loneliness and darkness of a vacant hotel room. He would assume his identity as Kira. Was this how it was supposed to end?

More importantly, where would the finish line be?

Would it be within Raito's arms, or underneath Kira's cold gaze? Would it be both? Or would it be neither?

I buried my head in his chest, thumb pressed to my lips, posture curved.

But no matter how many sweets I consumed, or whatever position I took, I could not find the answer.

And yet, I somehow expected it. I accepted it without argument.

Oh, take me with you
I don't need shoes to follow
Bare feet running with you
Somewhere the rainbow ends my dear
Today, even the rain can cut me up.

- Tori Amos, "Take Me With You"

A/N: This was quite possibly one of the most difficult POVs I've ever had to write. Because L didn't display any romantic feelings towards anyone in the series, I imagine he wouldn't know what to do with himself if he did. I tried to write that as best as I could. I'm tempted to edit this over and over until it has the correct feeling, but I'll let you guys be the judge.

Just to note, I'll be taking scenes from both the anime and the manga, and some liberties with future dialogue. I'll also dabble a bit into the novel, but not much. I plan to write a backstory involving L, his mother, B, and A, but I don't know when.

The song L sings is "A La Claire Fontaine", for those who aren't familiar with the old French song. The version from The Painted Veil is absolutely gorgeous.

Anyway, please review, I'll greatly appreciate it!