Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
- Mazzy Star, "Into Dust"
--
- Light -
The notebook was given to him.
He stared at the supposed monster before him, tight-lipped. His dark-rimmed eyes dilated. The officers that had touched the notebook backed away from that area, in fear that the monster would attack them. I stiffened in my seat. Judging from their reactions, the shinigami did indeed exist! I did not know what they were seeing, but I was curious. I felt that it was something I needed to witness, for the benefit of the case. But I was afraid as well.
A voice in the back of the mind told me that I should not touch it.
I ignored that voice.
"Is this true, Ryuuzaki? Let me touch it, too!"
I grabbed the notebook from him, anxious to see what had everyone in an uproar.
Even now, I'm not sure if I regret touching it or not.
The images rushed through my mind, a deluge of memories and nightmares. My mind was forced open, intruded by the notebook. It was enough to elicit the lost screams from my throat. I recognized the frightening figures from my dreams, the shinigami that brought the notes into the world. The scattered, torn pages became the notebook, with names and times filling the blank pages. My repressed wishes now resurfaced, a distant desire for the dead detective in my arms, never to hunt me down again. Only one wish became apparent. It filled me with an intense want, taking over my body, soul, and mind.
God of the new world.
I remembered everything. Kira remembered everything.
The Death Note was back in my possession, just as planned.
"Are you okay?" asked L. His suspicion was thinly masked by his concern. "Anyone would be surprised by a monster like that..."
I wanted to laugh in sheer delight. All that I planned had come to fruition. I had never felt so clever, so superior as I had felt then. And holding that notebook in my hands once again had never felt so good. I turned away from L, pretending to match the names on the pages with the names in the database. They would be the same names, of course. I planned it that way. I was immensely proud of myself, perhaps too proud, and thrilled. I could now get rid of my last obstacle.
L.
It was then that the past few months had caught up with my insanity.
Fuck, I never planned that! I thought. It didn't go as I planned!
As though they wanted to torture me, L's dark-rimmed eyes plagued my thoughts. I remembered the hint of sepia within the irises' black depths. A low, breathy voice forced its way into my ears. My hand tingled from the pleasure of touching that soft, pale skin; my lips felt the ghost of his. The memory of his taste, sweet as cake on the tongue, overwhelmed me. I closed my eyes, fighting back my inner turmoil and rage. It wasn't perfect at all. I had feelings. Just when I realized what I felt for the damn detective, confessed to him, even...the god of the new world had regained all of his memories. I had failed in gaining his trust, for I had put too much of myself into it. Failed. Failed.
What the hell did I do? This wasn't how it was supposed to go! I wasn't supposed to fall for L! No, he was the sinner in my new world, my number one enemy. He was against everything Kira stood for, and the one to be punished by his hand. I needed to kill L, no matter what. I couldn't let him ruin my plans. I was supposed to be God, even to surpass the higher power that had forgotten his creation.
L would only hinder that.
It was as though the Death Note had placed a dark veil over my eyes. I had been separated from the person I once was. With my memories back, I could feel the menacing presence of Kira. The embodiment of my ideals, the god of a righteous world. It was certainly no regret of mine at the time, but I couldn't see anything past the veil. Kira and I would create a utopia of innocent people. Those against my ideals undulated and twisted, forming something hideous and unrighteous.
L was the embodiment of all that was hideous.
His eyes still focused on Rem, the shinigami that once followed Amane Misa. L could not believe what he saw. It was a given. I gathered that L never believed in the supernatural. The detective dealt with facts. It must have come as a shock to him. But he remained calm as ever, his suspicion heightened by my bizarre outburst. He would divert his attention from Rem to the notebook and my hand. My actions upon touching it had not left his mind. I waited until he returned that attention to Rem. Though my emotions were not a part of the plan, I still had time to save everything. I pierced my finger with the needle from my watch, scraping the blood-tipped needle onto the scrap paper: Kyosuke Higuchi.
I felt satisfied. I could do this much. Yes, I had no remorse in killing Higuchi. As far as I knew, I was still the same. I was still Kira. And Kira would have no remorse in killing L, no matter what he felt for him previously. It would only take a few seconds to write the name (and I was so anxious to know his real name, it tore me apart). L would gasp. Those dark eyes I had grown accustomed to would widen. His body, thin and frail, would fall onto the ground. The widening would dim, eyes closing forever. It was so damned simple.
Death was like a blink of an eye. Open, then closed again. That was all that I would be doing for the detective.
What if it wasn't that simple? What if I hesitated?
Then the world will not have its God, I thought.
No, I couldn't let that happen. Sacrifices have to be made for the creation of a new world. That sacrifice happened to be the world's greatest detective and my equal. If he didn't die then, he would have to die eventually for the greater good. He was in the way, and if I didn't do it then, I would never do it. Yes, I would take his life away as planned. No longer will he chase Kira's shadow, or fall into the deceiving arms of Yagami Raito. It would be a peaceful end for L. I would take him out of his misery.
Did that mean I no longer had feelings for him? After all, who would willingly kill off their lover?
Wonderful. Now I don't feel an ounce of regret.
Higuchi collapsed on the ground, the remnants of a heart attack echoed in a scream.
Too easy, like a blink of an eye.
But L will be next. He has to be.
- L -
"After receiving that much affection and dedication, any human with feelings would be moved."
"So you've developed feelings for her...?"
"Yeah, maybe I just hadn't noticed it until now..."
The words replayed in my mind. The image of the two locked in an embrace, crystal clear on my surveillance screens, would rewind itself. That girl was in the same arms that I had been in only a week ago. With that memory came Raito's scream into the night air, notebook in his hands. Words, images, memories, screams. They would repeat, stop, and repeat again. I was overwhelmed, even tortured by it all. I felt too much. And my wrist, still red and raw from the metal handcuffs, tingled as though something should have been there. Something. Anything but the emptiness.
I could not sleep anymore. I sat on the large bed, the sheets pushed aside. I didn't know what time it was, or where my laptop had gone (possibly to the side of the bed, or maybe in pieces against the wall). How many hours ago was it since I last worked on the case? Wasn't that what I did when I didn't sleep? I thought I didn't sleep. Wasn't I afraid of sleep? I could not remember the past. Knees to my chest, I clutched my body tight. The night air froze me to the core. The bed was cold, an ice floe in the middle of the darkness. Something was different, and I knew what it was. It was the only thing I could come up with.
There was no Raito-kun next to me. He was no longer chained to me. He had vanished. The room was empty, save for my own presence.
Empty.
I thought I was used to this.
I thought it was all that I knew.
Raito had changed the moment he touched the notebook. The soft eyes I caught myself gazing into, as well as the innocent smiles he flashed me, were all gone. With his bloodcurdling scream that night came a different person. I shook my head at this thought. No, not a different person, but a person I had become acquainted with previously. I knew him before I knew Raito. He was the one that I watched on the monitors and encountered at To-Oh University. My opponent.
Kira.
I took the last strawberry from a bowl on the nightstand.
The man I had fallen for those past few months was the real, human, brilliant Raito. What had replaced him was a shadow of a human being, an immature creature with a god-complex. Kira had decided to show his disgusting face again; only to take control of what he thought was his. I knew for certain that Yagami Raito was Kira. In a way, I was glad to have Kira back. I could now prove my theory. I was sure. Ninety-five percent sure.
But Yagami Raito...
I clutched the icy sheets. My body reclined slowly on the ice floe, in an attempt to sleep. I shivered as I pulled the bed-sheet over my head. My hand moved to the vacant spot next to me, devoid of warmth and amber eyes. I felt a warm tear run down my cheek, but I would not blink. I could not close my eyes. My paranoia had increased by tenfold now that Kira was in the building. My thin fingers clawed at the spot.
It had been so long since I felt so sad. I did not know how to cope with it. I thought I was no longer capable of such an emotion. L never felt emotions. But I no longer was L, not in that uncompromising position: cheeks stained with tears, fighting to get rest, and putting aside the work I was born to do. There was no other purpose for L.
But for L Lawliet, there was only the yearning for more. As I felt the tears fall from my eyes, I knew he had returned.
The name felt like a long lost friend, one that had not changed despite the years since I last felt his presence. It floated around me, creating its warm aura, and I could feel my mind slip away. The last of L had fallen away. L Lawliet had come back, only to bring with him the news of my fate. That was when I knew, and nothing else mattered in that moment.
I cried, wishing Raito could have seen it.
I cursed myself for that thought.
I trusted him too much, and it would be my undoing.
An unfitting end for L.
--
How many hours had it been?
I suppose I drifted off to sleep at some point in the night. The visions of my childhood had made its way into my dreams, fragmented and stained in sepia. I saw the orphanage as it was built, its many facets carved into my memory. Children appeared before my eyes, my successors and challengers. Memories of A entered, his flaxen hair and smile as beautiful as the sun. The last thing I could remember was leaving my home in England, in the dead of winter. Watari held my hand tight, showing me the grand orphanage he had created in my honor.
"Know that I care for you very much, L Lawliet. This is why I do the things I do."
The church bells.
They woke me from the dream. My vision blurred, then focused on the computer in front of me. When did I get there? What time had I woken up? What day was it? A half-eaten doughnut sat in a plate in front of me, accompanied by a cold cup of tea. I did not remember asking for it, nor eating any of it. I looked around for Watari, but he was not there. I fought to remember the last few hours, but nothing came to me. I took a bite of the stale doughnut, the granules of sugar like sand in my mouth. I looked around again. There was no sign that the task force had ever stepped foot in there.
A dread overcame me, one I had never felt before. My chest ached. My stomach had become a sunken pit. A harsh chill ran up my crooked spine. The space around me was grey and nearly devoid of light. I looked at the clock on the computer screen.
Six o'clock in the morning.
It must still be dark out, I thought. How appropriate for it to be dark at such a melancholic hour. But I knew why I felt the way I did, and what it was that kept me up that night. I knew why I felt so sad the last night I spent with Raito. Everything made sense. Everything was aligned and perfect to the letter.
I had to see Watari.
I walked down the expansive hall, past several ID checkout points, and into the room where my mentor resided. My feet pattered softly on the marble floor. As inaudible as my steps were, Watari turned to face me, sensing my dread. As always, he asked what was wrong. Watari's warm smile resonated in the dimly lit room. The old inventor nodded. He always understood.
"What will you do, Ryuuzaki?"
"Nothing. There's nothing to be done."
"But what about Yagami Raito? Is there nothing to prove?"
"I'm ninety-five percent certain. But there's no way I can prove it. Not in such a short amount of time. And..." I paused, heaving a sigh. "I'm not sure I want to prove anything."
"That's not like you, Ryuuzaki. Don't you want to bring Yagami Raito to justice? Isn't that what you do?"
"I want to bring Kira to justice."
Watari nodded. "I understand."
I crouched down on the cold floor, head lowered. This was insane. I never quit a case, no matter how difficult it became. But I felt so utterly hopeless. My theories ran in circles. I wanted Raito back. I wanted Kira punished. I hated the way I felt and the way I thought. Nothing made sense. I was L. I was L.
L.
Who was he, anyway? Was he even human? Did he know how to feel?
"L Lawliet," whispered Watari. My head shot up. The old inventor always knew what I was thinking before I realized it. Almost like someone else.
"It's been a long time since I've been called that."
"It's been a long time since I've seen you like this," he said, his smile never fading.
"I don't think I'm L anymore."
He sighed. "You are not any less of a person for feeling what you feel. And you are not any less L than you were before. I know I didn't teach you much about the world and the ways of emotions. For that, I do apologize. You should have experienced more, rather than this job you have always done."
"My work is what I live for. If I can't do it, then there's no point in living."
Watari smiled. He stood up, only to crouch down with me. I felt his great arms encircle my body. I leaned into my mentor's embrace. My head rested on his shoulder, a child back into his father's arms. We sat there for a while, neither of us wanting to leave the other. I think he heard the bells, too.
"Work shouldn't be the only thing you live for. Love, happiness, and well-being...those are the things that should be cultivated from life."
I broke slowly from the embrace, my eyes meeting his. Love. Happiness. Well-being. Had I not received any of those?
Of course...from Yagami Raito. Even if it was such a short amount of time.
With him, I could feel.
"Thank you, Watari." I stood up as straight as I could, but found my back curving to its most-loved position. The old inventor chuckled, following suit.
"I'll miss you most of all, dear boy. Life's much too short. Maybe the afterlife will bring us the eternity we very much deserve."
I smiled. "Maybe. But I'm not afraid anymore."
"And you shouldn't be. It's been wonderful working with you, L."
I headed towards the door.
"L!" Watari called. I turned my head.
"She goes by Amélie now, but her real name is Marie-Laure. I will send a message out to her. Roger will be delivering it."
The beautiful Française! I really had found her.
I had so many questions for Watari, but I decided against asking him more. Maybe I was never meant to know. Not everything can be solved. Even L could understand that, as ambitious, immature, and competitive as he was.
"Thank you so much, Watari."
- Light -
I had not seen L in several hours. The task force badgered me with questions on his whereabouts. Misa, upon my instructions, had started killing criminals again. The murders caught their attention; my plan had been carried out successfully. I smiled. I could get that girl to do whatever I wanted...it was almost pathetic. I wondered how long I had been that sort of person. Had I always been so cruel? To my surprise, I couldn't remember who I was before the Death Note fell in front of my eyes.
Only those vexing feelings for 'Ryuuzaki' had given me tiny reminders of who I used to be.
I went to search for the unkempt detective, on my father's orders. I walked into the bedroom I had once shared with L. The air conditioning had been particularly strong in the spacious room; upon entering, I felt cold. The sheets on the bed were wrinkled, a sign that he tried to sleep. The side I slept on remained uncovered. His laptop lay in pieces on the floor, the paint on the wall chipped from its impact. The handcuffs that once bound us together was buried underneath the broken device.
I looked at my wrist, circled by a thick red line. It would always be a memory of that time, and one of the relics I now wish I could have kept after my death.
He would not be anywhere else besides the main room, office, and bedroom. And he would not have stepped foot outside, that much was true. L was the most predictable person I had ever become acquainted with. As soon as that thought exited my mind, I decided to climb the stairs. My intuition told me that he would be on the top floor, possibly the roof. It seemed unlikely, but I decided to follow my feelings.
He knows he has lost, cackled the Kira within. Only someone as predictable as him would do something unpredictable when their time is near.
Reaching my destination, I opened the door to the roof of the building.
The high winds whipped my shirt, the rain upon the world a wrathful tempest. I looked around for the detective, just missing him near the tower. L was lost in thought, eyes fixated towards the bleak skies. I called out to him, but he could not hear me through the storm. Or maybe he never wanted to hear what I had to say. He had picked up on my personality change the minute I held the notebook in my hands. I know that for certain, for nothing was ever the same after that night.
I walked towards him, my body already drenched from the thick raindrops. A sudden sadness overcame me...as though I regretted the fact that this strange creature had to die. This was the same listless person I caught in tears that night, who let me break through the thin ice barrier that surrounded him. He was the detective I found myself strangely attracted to, the genius that matched mine. I had convinced myself that it would be easy; as simple as a blink, and as painless as falling into sleep. If there was anything L was deserving of, it was an eternal sleep.
Yes. That made perfect sense.
"The bells are really loud today. Maybe a wedding, or a..."
His words, useless and incoherent, were blown away by the tempestuous winds. Even now, I cannot figure out what he meant. But at that moment, I felt the urge to embrace him. I ignored the weakness within, preferring to embrace Kira's essence instead. To accept that I had felt anything for him would make the situation worse. I wouldn't be able to let him go, as disgusting as the thought was. It was all much too ridiculous and inconvenient.
"What are you talking about? I don't hear anything. Let's go back inside."
"...I'm sorry, Raito-kun. I never make any sense, do I?"
"True. I know never to take anything you say seriously." I faked a smile, but he did not notice. He looked down towards the wet cement.
"What if I did say something that I meant?" he asked.
"I wouldn't know whether to believe you or not," I replied. "We're both excellent liars, remember? But, of course, it depends on what you have to say."
"Ah," he muttered to himself, "then we're the same. I would expect nothing less from Raito-kun."
I shivered. The cold of the storm had penetrated me to the core. I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to warm myself, but no warmth came. L stood before me, unmoved by the chill in the air. I could never figure out how he was able to be so still, so calm and quiet about everything. L rarely overreacted, even when the situation was dire. I know now that was one of the things I absolutely loved about him, and I'm utterly confident in telling you this.
"Ryuuzaki, it's cold out here. Let's go inside. The task force is looking for you. Apparently, Kira—"
"I'm sorry," he said, cutting me off.
"For what, Ryuuzaki?" I said impatiently. I wanted to get the hell out of the rain, but I could not go back without L.
"For being so distant. Distant to the task force, to your father...to you, especially. I don't trust anyone at all."
I sighed. "That's fine. You have reason to be distant, you know, especially with Kira around. And maybe being distant works better for you. Emotions can be painful. Relationships can hurt. They cut you up until there's nothing left."
"Yes, but..." He trailed off.
L remained silent for a while. I looked towards the door of the building, inviting me to run for shelter and leave the detective out in the pouring rain. Kira was tempted, of course.
"Please, Ryuu—"
"Do you sincerely believe that they do such things, Raito-kun?"
"I don't—"
"Tell me, Raito-kun, since you were born, has there ever been a single moment where you haven't lied?"
An unexpected glare.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, already knowing what he was getting at. Sometimes, he's far too predictable for his own good.
"You do not understand my question? I expected more from you."
If I could have killed him at that moment, I would have. He was infuriating, wanting nothing more than to play mind games with me all day long. I would rather have saved them for his final seconds of life. My answer to his question flowed, without any stutter or hesitation, but he believed none of it. I'm not sure exactly what I had said to him, but if Kira were not there, I might have told him the truth.
I took the detective by the arm. He twitched from the contact.
"Come, Ryuuzaki. Let's go inside."
"...I suppose that's best, Raito-kun."
--
The cold water that drenched us fell in drops on the marble floor, the pitter-patter echoing in the long hallway. The glow of the lights within created their own ominous glow. I sat down on the stairs, and took off my damp sneakers. Towel in hand, I began to dry myself off. The detective walked towards me. I caught sight of the pale glow of his skin. The remaining drops of rainwater glistened on his body. Memories of that skin against mine came back slowly.
If only I had not developed such a desire, I thought to myself.
"It's so cold," whispered L.
I shook my head. More drops fell onto the steps. "What do you expect? We were standing out in the middle of a storm."
"I've been cold for several days now."
L knelt down before me, a questionable position. The wicked part of me loved the mental image: the sinner submitting to his God, begging for forgiveness. He would beg me not to kill him. I tried not to smile. In a way, I could not, not now. The detective's spindly fingers reached out to take my foot. The mental image seemed even more truthful, and I could almost laugh.
He was lowering his guard at last. How perfect.
Oh, L, what will you do now? There are no more moves for you to make! This sick game will soon be over! I shall put you out of your misery for good.
But it seemed so unlike him to submit to anyone. He was too proud.
"What are you doing, Ryuuzaki?" I asked, pretending to be surprised at the strange gesture. His black eyes met mine (still tinged with sepia, how could I ever forget), blank to cover the dread.
"It's the least I can do, Raito-kun. I can give you a massage, too. Please let me do this, if only to apologize for not being completely honest with you."
"No, no, you don't have to..."
Oh, please do.
"Please," he insisted.
I allowed him, and the maniac within laughed.
I wanted to tilt my head back and relish in the delightful feeling, but I kept them open. He took my foot in his cold, soft hands, the towel brushing away the drops of water. I groaned at the sudden pressure applied. He assured me that I would become used to it. How cryptic of him.
"The only comfort is the moving of the river," he sang on impulse. The words were barely audible, a whisper upon his lips. English. I was the best in my class, but I had yet to be fluent in the language. I was not familiar with idioms. The meaning of the lyric escaped me.
He noticed my confusion, and smiled.
"I heard it years ago," L said, reverting back to Japanese.
"You have a lovely voice, Ryuuzaki. I never knew you could sing."
"I know a lot of things."
Cryptic as always.
His long fingers brushed against my ankle. I shuddered. The memories threatened to invade once again, and I felt the sadness that I tried to deny. Truthfully, I missed him those last few days. I missed sleeping next to the detective, and waking up in the middle of the night to his haunting eyes. I missed those tears I was never meant to witness, beckoning me near the man known only by a letter.
No, I could not think like that anymore.
I was Kira.
And Kira did not do those things.
Drops fell onto my toes, too warm to be rainwater. L quickly dried them with his towel. I picked up mine, patting the unruly mess on his head. He was still soaked to the bone, and shivering from the harsh air conditioning above us. He apologized out of nowhere, keeping his eyes away from mine. I bit my lip.
"Sing for me again, Ryuuzaki."
He looked up at me, as though he were deciphering my words.
"Please." I added.
L nodded. His gaze fell to the floor.
"Reign of love, I can't let go...to the sea I offer this heavy load. Locusts will lift me up...I'm just a prisoner in a reign of love."
The pale hands let go of my feet, folding now into the detective's lap. My mind furiously tried to translate his words, but I let myself go into the foreign lyrics.
"Locusts will let us stop...I wish I'd spoken to the reign of love. Reign of love, by the church, we're waiting. Reign of love, my knees go praying..."
His voice began to crack a bit.
"How I wish I'd spoken up...or we'd be carried in the reign of love..."
The tears stung my eyes.
Tears? When did I start crying?
"I'm sad, Raito-kun. Sad...and a bit cold still."
He looked up to me again, a small smile on his face.
"It'll be over soon," he said. "I'm not sure if I want that."
"Ryuuzaki."
"I'm sure it will be all right, Raito-kun."
The detective hung his head, long since finished with his atonement. The silence lingered over our heads, and I could feel the tension. I didn't want to kill him. I knew that more than anything else. I wished that he wasn't L. If only there was a way, but there was none. My last obstacle, the greatest detective in the world and the man I indisputably had fallen for, had to die. God must annihilate the sinner.
But what happens when God loves him far too much?
Was this the reason why the world was rotting...because God couldn't kill the creations he loved so much?
"One more thing, Raito-kun...a last request, if you will." The words stumbled, his voice weak.
"What is it, Ryuuzaki?" I asked, surprised that he would ask me for anything at this awkward moment.
"A kiss. Pretend that I'm her, if need be."
No, I told myself. It's a trap. There is always a plan behind his words. He knows that he will die. This is his attempt.
As though I had blocked out the rational voice, I bent down. My lips met his for the last time, feeling their warmth through thin skin. I parted them with my tongue, delving into the depths. L clung to my body, still damp and freezing cold. The last of his defenses had fallen. I wrapped my arms around his frail body, angry with myself for lowering mine. The detective quickly broke the kiss, realizing his mistake.
"There's no need to pretend," I whispered upon his lips.
"Yet you will continue, Kira," he whispered back.
You of all people should understand.
"I'll always be Kira to you, won't I?"
"Nothing will change my mind. I am wholly sure that you are Kira, and I am sure you understand. But you will go ahead with your plans, regardless. You have it all mapped out. I know this because we are the same; we do what we have to do."
L sighed. "L and Kira. We will never change. Not until the end, I'm ninety-nine percent sure."
"Ryuuzaki, please—"
A cell phone rang.
The detective stood up, reverting to his crooked position. He answered the phone; it most likely was the task force that asked me about L's whereabouts.
"Yes, I understand," he answered, "I'll be there right away. I apologize."
His thin frame loomed over me, but a tiny smile emerged on his face.
"Let's go, Yagami-kun. Everything will turn out for the better. I am sure of it."
It will be over soon, I convinced myself.
Over.
Did I want it to be over?
I stood up and followed Ryuuzaki out of the hallway.
I have no choice. I have to do what I have to do. There's no arguing against it, no matter what happened in the past.
- L -
Watari was dead. That much was certain. He had erased all his data and set the message. I could not override any of it. Still, I found myself calling out to my mentor, the only father I had ever known. L Lawliet wept unconsciously, but L had to keep himself together. The task force panicked, not sure what to do or what to make of the situation. Only I had an idea of what would happen next. The alarm within myself had set in, a monster threatening to take me at any second. The shinigami was nowhere to be found. She would take me as she had taken Watari, and it would be the end.
"The shinigami...!" I cried out.
But I was afraid.
You see, I had never really thought of the afterlife. My beliefs had always been based on facts. Higher powers, afterlives, and the like were not factual. They had not been proven until that shinigami had appeared in front of me. Suddenly, the supernatural became real and above what I had previously known. She would take my life, and who knows where I would be sent afterwards. The questions had been raised in my mind.
What would it be like? I asked myself. Would it be like falling asleep, or a thousand knives to the back? A rush of blood to the head or emptiness? Would I meet a heavenly creator or the downfall of mankind?
My body convulsed. The pain erupted in my chest: a heart attack, Kira's modus operandi.
The world around me was engulfed in brilliant light. Pieces of my scattered memories reflected in front of my eyes: the orphanage, Watari, A and B...my birth mother, the bells, the rain that soaked me to the bone hours before.
And Yagami Raito, the last face I would ever look upon with my eyes.
He held me in his arms, screaming for me to get a hold of myself, to get up and live. But I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I focused on him, reaching for his shoulder. One last embrace, and perhaps it will fade.
My touch had brought forth the monster within. Raito's face suddenly twisted. He looked upon me with malicious, glowing red eyes.
It was Kira.
Raito is Kira. I knew it.
I had always known, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
But...I...
Lost.
I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I closed them, bringing forth the memory of amber eyes and the intoxicating taste of my enemy. I no longer wanted to remember Kira. He would not be my last thought; only Raito was worthy. Behind closed eyes, I hastened towards the memories, feeling myself disappearing within the euphoria. I could not deny it any more. I could not lie to myself. There was no reason to.
I felt so much for him, though I could not bring myself to say those meaningless words. What I felt had more meaning than what could be expressed. And in that moment, I felt nothing and nothing was tangible anymore. The sounds of screams faded into the darkness.
I was alone, but Raito would join me soon.
After all, someone like Kira could not reign for long.
- Light -
The skies were as red as blood that day. I remember that much.
The task force had left after paying their respects, but I remained. I stood over his grave, towering over the large cross. The Kira inside me laughed. He was the victor. He cheered for the death of his adversary, gleeful that he would never rise again to haunt him. I, Raito, could only wish he was with me again. The contradiction drove me insane. My body thrashed against the dirt below the tombstone, in agony and in ecstasy. After the laughs came the tears, the weeping and screams.
He deserved what he got, Yagami Raito. He challenged God.
That body, beautiful and frail even in death, should not have deserved that treatment. I did not want him buried in the darkness, as I was with Kira. If there was anything I wished for L in my heart, it would have been that he would rise into the skies. Kneeling on the ground, I clawed the dirt of his grave. The particles soiled my fingernails and covered my sleeves. The tears did not stop.
L. Ryuuzaki. Hideki Ryuuga.
I never even knew his real name.
Did I even know who he truly was?
I heard a soft tapping upon the cement nearby. Someone was walking towards me, possibly a woman. Her steps echoed in my mind, breaking the silence that settled upon the cemetery. She stopped behind me.
"I'm sorry for your loss," said the woman. She spoke Japanese, but with a strange accent.
Curious, I pulled myself up from the ground. I faced her, and froze in my spot.
A chill ran up my spine.
It couldn't be.
I saw L's eyes within hers.
The woman was tall and thin, but well kept. Her long, ebony hair had tinges of grey at its roots. It fell into her dark eyes; a hint of sepia in their depths, large and unyielding. All she lacked were the dark circles underneath, but he was there. I turned away from her, refusing to display my fear to the L incarnate.
"I apologize if I'm interrupting you, sir. May I ask your name?"
No, not Japanese at all, I thought. French, maybe?
I turned to her again, but did not look her in the eye.
"Yagami Raito."
"A pleasure to meet you, Yagami-san."
I wanted her to leave, but she stayed next to me. The woman faced L's grave, hands clasped. Already, she annoyed me...much like the dead detective himself.
"Who was he, Yagami-san?" she asked. I lowered my head, pretending to be upset.
"A excellent detective, a genius...and a good friend."
"I would like to pay my respects to him, if that is all right with you."
I noticed a small bouquet in her hands.
"I'm sure he would like that," I said. "I can't stay much longer with him."
"Then I will stay with him for as long as I can," she replied with a smile. His smile. I wondered if she was related to him in some way. Was it even possible?
After all, he was a human being. He had to have come from somewhere.
"Take care," I said, walking away.
"And you as well, Yagami-san."
I watched the woman out of the corner of my eye. She knelt down in front of the large, unmarked cross. She placed the bouquet of roses in front of it. Hands clasped once again, she bowed her head in prayer. It seemed odd for a stranger to pray for someone she did not know. She must have known L in some way, and it was even odder that she knew about his death. We had not informed anyone. I thought about getting her information and writing her name in the Death Note, but I decided against it.
I doubt any relative of his would be a threat. After all, he did not even know she existed.
I stood by to listen to her prayer, but it was not a prayer at all.
"I always knew you were special," she said, teary-eyed. "Know that I love you more than anything in the world."
More than anything in the world, I wanted you dead, I thought. And now that you are, I'm not sure if it was exactly what I wanted.
And so, I walked on.
A/N: I originally decided to write this chapter in Light's POV, but I wanted to use the anime version of L's final hours. Given that the episode was personal to L, I had to write his POV as well (if that makes any sense). My fear with this chapter was that it might get too confusing. I debated on changing it, but decided to use both Light and L anyway. I hope it didn't give anyone too much of a headache.
And I hope I didn't go over the top with this chapter! I'm not sure if I really wanted L's mother to debut in this fic, since I intended this chapter to end differently (instead, it will be inserted into the final one). If you find Light's POV to be confusing, that certainly was intended (though I'm not sure if I pulled it off...he confused ME!).
The insert song is "Reign of Love" by Coldplay. A bit anachronistic, but oh well. It's a lovely song, and I recommend it!
Those who reviewed, I thank you for your comments! Please review, I appreciate every single one. There will be two more chapters before the end (you're probably wondering why this isn't the end...hehe), and my goal is to finish it within a month or two. The next chapter will have a tiny bit of LightxMisa and LightxTakada, but don't worry. I will remain loyal to the greatness that is LightxL. :)