Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.
You were easy; you are forgotten
You are the ways of my mistakes
I catch the rainfall through the leaking roof
That you had left behind
You remind me of that leak in my soul...
- The Smashing Pumpkins, "Blank Page"
I had become a god in those few short years; my dream attained.
Crime had decreased by seventy percent. The world had inevitably split in two: those who supported me, and those who chose to thwart my efforts. But my word was law, my notebook the sole protector of those who worshipped me and wanted a peaceful world. The ones who chose to reject me would suffer soon. God would punish them as he saw fit. And the thought thrilled the Kira within.
But aside from Kira, Raito was still dissatisfied. Why was it not enough?
The world continued to rot underneath my hand.
Yes, that must have been it.
Those who do not contribute to society must also be killed, he said. Only then can we rejoice in our new world, with those who are productive and can build the utopia we so desire.
Yes. It made sense.
But not yet. The move was too extreme. Soon, I told myself.
And in possession of L's coveted name, with the ability to move any military force, it would be easier. I was now shrouded in his leftover mystery and put on a pedestal by my father and the task force.
The title of L was merely that: a title. A single letter, two strokes, one English syllable. No one would know that the first L, the real L had died and left his name to various successors. As long as you sounded and acted like him, the world would never know. Even now, as I tell you this, there's a brilliant boy on Earth who has taken that name and made it his own. The whole world believes wholeheartedly that he is the real L; that the real L never died.
No one knows that the real L was a living, breathing person. A man with young yet creaking bones, with eyes that were sunken and melancholic. A man that could never be replaced.
L. Two strokes. One syllable. One man with a line of people behind him.
If only he didn't oppose me, I thought. My new world could use more minds like his. More minds, more bodies, more of everything.
It had been five years, and the eccentric detective had never left my mind. I dreamed of L every night since the day we became intimate. Even after his death, the dreams refused to stop. His pallid complexion and wild eyes plagued my mind with its memories. Some were scattered, leaving his last gaze for the moment I would awaken. Sometimes, I would not dream of his face, but of his voice...the same melancholic song I found myself quietly whispering when I did not realize it.
"Reign of love, I can't let go..."
Crime had decreased. The world worshipped me. No one would stand in my way. I was the possessor of a supernatural notebook. Raito/Kira was a god of a new era and a perfect world, at last.
But Raito could never forget that fucking detective, as much as Kira wanted him to. I could not forget the soft clinking of chains, the tap-tap of a laptop's keyboard, and a single tear falling from a single onyx eye. It was insane and completely aggravating. It was enough to make me tear my hair out.
I could never forget.
Would Kira kill me for it?
It was never pitch-black.
Despite the black clothes she wore and the macabre relics she kept, Misa was still afraid of the dark. At night, she would leave the lamps on and the closet doors wide open. There are monsters everywhere, she would say. In the daytime, she would beg me to buy a nightlight, and every day I would say no.
"No nightlights. I don't want one in my room," I said. "There's no need to be afraid of the dark."
"But Rai-chan, I need it."
"You don't need it. And they annoy me."
She would walk quietly beside me, not saying a word. I had to put her in her place many times. But one day, as we were walking, she detached herself from me and ran off into the crowd. I didn't see her until night. I walked into the bedroom and heard a small clicking sound. Misa was crouched down on the floor near the outlet.
"Where have you been?" I asked.
"I needed it."
Misa had bought a fucking nightlight.
The girl moved away from the outlet, so I could see it. She grinned happily. The nightlight was shaped like a strawberry, and cast a dim, red glow against the wall. She later told me that it was 'the cutest thing ever', and couldn't help but buy it. A nightlight would be better than lamps. Misa hopped into the bed and curled up under the covers. I just shook my head, suppressing my anger.
I hated nightlights. There was nothing to fear about the dark. I especially hated that strawberry-shaped light. I'm not sure how many times I tried to convince her to remove it, but she was a simple girl with a simple mind. I quit bringing up the nightlight, deciding it would be best to humor her for as long as possible.
At least, until it was time to kill her.
Though the room radiated with sanguine warmth (encouraged by the dim light), I could not sleep. In fact, I could not remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. Even with Misa's naked body pressed against mine, there was a sense of discomfort that occurred in those late hours. My eyes diverted to the girl next to me, sleeping soundly. Strands of blonde hair covered those closed eyes.
My eyes fell upon the cross around her neck.
Had I not asked her to remove it? Did I have to threaten her?
Of course, I had to.
She was a simple girl with a simple mind.
I hated that necklace she wore. It served no purpose except to torture me. The damned relic would dangle and dance whenever she hovered over me. It would lay perfectly still on her ivory-white breasts as she slept. The burning sunlight would reflect on it, alerting me to its presence. It stayed forever in my sight, and I hated it. Misa wasn't a Christian; why the hell did she have to wear that cross all the time? Every time I saw it, I felt the urge to rip it from her thin, pale neck.
Why am I even upset over something as trivial as a cross? As trivial as a strawberry-shaped nightlight?
My questions were answered as soon as I asked them.
In an abrupt motion, I pushed back the sheets, freeing myself from the sleeping woman's embrace. I walked towards the nightlight, turning it off with a soft click. It left the world engulfed in darkness. Satisfied, I crept back into the warm bed, next to Misa. She stirred, but did not wake. I turned towards her, running a finger through her hair. Without the nightlight, I could barely make out the blonde color.
It had turned pitch-black.
I finally decided to share an apartment with Misa. My excuse was to keep her and the Shinigami eyes as close as possible. But a part of me needed something...no, someone to keep the nightmares away. Several years into my reign, I could not stand them anymore. The depthless gaze and bitten thumb left me sleepless most days. I didn't tell her the real reason why we were to move in with each other, but I'm sure she wouldn't have cared. Misa was delighted at the thought of living with me. It was the closest she would get to marriage.
Misa was far too easy.
No...women in general were easy. All giddy when it came to the fickle concept of love.
Women were nothing like L, challenges until the end.
But onto Misa.
The Raito I was before would have objected to my actions. He wouldn't have wanted me to use Misa the way I did. But I knew that I was no longer Yagami Raito; I was Kira, I was God. Content with that idea, I toyed with her emotions. It was wonderful how easy it was to get Misa to do whatever I wanted. Other than her Shinigami eyes, she served only one other purpose.
To make me think of someone other than L.
I would fuck her every night, just to rid my mind of his silken skin. But it was a useless effort. With her shrill moans came L's breathy voice, calling my name into the night ("Raito-kun...Yagami-kun...Kira"). When she was above me, her image would distort, becoming ashen and thin. It was then I would resort to taking her from the back, so I would not have to look upon the detective's face. I could not close my eyes, for I would see him within the blackness.
The fading star in the blackness of space.
"Raito-kun."
My beloved sister, Sayu.
Even now, I can recall her features, so like and so unlike mine. My memories of her are scattered, but I remember how beautiful she was. Even Matsuda noticed how much she had matured. In his eyes, I could see the reflected desire and agony to be with her. The task force idiot would give anything to be with my little sister. But my parents would not have it. No one could ever be good enough for Sayu, especially a cop (but Matsuda did prove himself in the end, so maybe this can be called into question).
And I remember the last time I talked to her.
The task force had gathered at my house to discuss the case. Sayu walked in, delighted that Misa and I were visiting together. Matsuda became flustered, my father upset that his subordinate felt a sexual attraction towards his daughter, and Sayu giggling at the thought. She felt that Misa and I should get married.
Her comment struck a chord within me. The idea made Misa giddy as usual, but it was something I really could not entertain. Marriage? What was it, anyway? Where did it fit in my utopia? The thought of love, celebrated worldwide, was as distant and intangible as a dream. Even now, I'm not sure if I knew exactly what love was at that time, though I had felt its subtle fingers before.
Love. Marriage. Commitment.
And the thin, pale, certainly dead detective crossed my mind again.
A few minutes later, we received the call that the director of the Japanese police had been kidnapped. My father, as well as the rest of the task force, was determined to find him.
Days later, I would find out that the director was dead.
And replaced by my little sister.
"We'll exchange the notebook for Yagami Sayu."
I knew I would not be able to sleep that night. I threw myself into my work, my fingers moving swiftly across the laptop's keyboard. Both the FBI and the kidnappers were threatening Kira (one more for the notebook than the other), but that was just one of my worries. My sister was out there, in the hands of murderous strangers. People that deserved to be written down and killed.
My innocent sister was most deserving of my new world. She had not hurt anyone, and would continue to be the sweet girl that she was. Now, she was in the line of fire, the war between Kira and his opponents. She was in the battle for the Death Note. I only prayed that she made it out alive.
My thoughts flowed from Sayu to L. Knowing him, he would have found her already. He was capable of so much. He would have done all he could to rescue her. L would have been dedicated to finding Sayu. She was, after all, the sister of "Raito-kun". But would I have loved him after that? Or hated him?
Love.
I guess it's not as fickle as I thought.
"You have a soft spot for your sister, don't you, Raito?"
My eyes fought to stay open, but even the brightness of the computer screen made them want to close. A soft spot for my sister? Was it that unusual to feel what I felt for her? Or was it more unusual that she was the most prominent worry in my mind, even taking precedence over my precious notebook?
Fingers stumbling over the keys, I felt my eyes blur and lose focus. I suppose I fell asleep in front of the computer that night, for the last image I saw was not the open windows...
...but a pair of eyes, no longer depthless, no longer soulless.
Rather, they were worried, confused, wet and...sad.
The same glance he gave me that evening on the rooftop, through the tempest and impending doom.
"Raito-kun."
L?
"The bells are really loud today. Maybe a wedding, or a..."
Funeral.
"I'm sorry, Raito-kun. I never make any sense, do I?"
You always make sense. You've always made perfect sense.
"Tell me, Raito-kun, since you were born, has there ever been a single moment where you haven't lied?"
I lied to you. Even when I didn't realize it, I lied to you. I lied to myself. I lied to the world. There's never been a single moment. Never.
"The only comfort is the moving of the river."
The moving of the river.
The lies that build until nothing's left.
"As I have told Raito-kun before, it was a mistake."
The whispers faded with the dawn. I lifted my head from the desk, its wooden grooves etched onto my cheek. A stabbing pain shot throughout my body— a result of the odd position I had taken the night before. Brushing the stray strands of hair from my face, I looked towards the bed.
Misa was gone.
In her place was a pink, heart-shaped note. Without bothering to read it, I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. As uncomfortable as it was to have her out of my sight (who knew what the idiot would do), there was a significant peace in the small apartment. I turned back to my laptop.
The tiny fan still hummed quietly, but the screen had faded to black. Within the darkness, I could make out a pair of bulging, sleep-ridden eyes. The words from my dream echoed in my ear, his voice so close that I could almost feel his breath...the thin fingers grazing over my neck and shoulders.
Raito-kun.
I saw him there, in the laptop's screen, lips pressed against my ear. I closed my eyes as his arms wrapped around me, and I could smell the scent of strawberries and black tea. His scent.
I'm not really here. Or am I? This cannot be happening. Not with you again.
A cough escaped my throat, and I realized that I had stopped breathing for those few seconds. My hands trembled, my body shaken. I could feel him there; no he really was there. L's touch, his scent, everything about him was as real as the time he was...
Alive.
This is stupid, I thought. Why am I still dreaming about L? He's dead. I'm alive. He was the sinner. I'm God.
God.
I'm God.
A smile crept over my face. There was simply nothing to worry about anymore. No more challenges, sure, but no more of those conflicting desires. I thought it would be difficult to manage those budding feelings and my wanting to take down the detective, but the problem solved itself in the end. The dreams were merely the product of an overstressed mind.
But that would not be the last time.
"It's nice to meet the second L."
His voice, scrambled and formal, echoed throughout my dreams. Every uttered syllable and raised tone matched his, entwined with his, and brought back the memories I tried so hard to suppress. He wasn't L, could never be L because L was still dead, and yet...
That voice.
"I am the center of the SPK. You may call me N."
N.
One syllable.
Black eyes penetrated deep within, and I could feel L's aura. The mood that passed through me was painstakingly familiar. I recalled the day the detective sought me out through the television, his scrambled voice daring me to kill him then and there. This 'N' possessed the same air and tone.
Kill me now, whispered the memory from long ago. Can't you kill me, Kira?
N called to me in the same manner.
"Second Kira, this is Near. KILL ME NOW."
I got up from my bed and made my way through the darkened halls. The apartment was completely silent, save for Misa's deep breathing. Moonlight trickled through the blinds, and I was taken back to the room that I had once shared with L. This alone was cause for concern.
You're losing your focus here, Yagami, Kira growled. Too much of your time has been spent thinking about that detective. We killed him, he was a sinner, now lets move on, shall we? Our battle begins again with Near and Mello.
Near and Mello.
I feel the adrenaline, and you should as well. The challenge has been resurrected. Near and Mello are nothing compared to their idol, am I correct?
No, Kira, they're nothing like L.
If only you did not fall for that fucking detective! Stop it, Yagami! Don't you want to be God? You cannot dwell on your sinners!
Of course not, Kira.
"Raito-kun, I still believe you are Kira."
YAGAMI!
The kitchen light clicked on.
"Rai-chan, are you okay? It sounds like you were talking to yourself."
Misa stood in the doorway, blue eyes swimming in tears. She was completely naked and shivering. I turned my eyes away, realizing that I was now sitting on the kitchen floor. But when did I get to the kitchen? I couldn't remember.
"Rai-chan?"
"I'm fine, Misa. I just...I couldn't sleep, that's all."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
The girl sat down next to me, shivering from the icy cold floor. Before I realized what I was doing, I crushed my lips against hers. Their fullness distracted me, but it was the one thing I needed. My fingers brushed against her thigh, and she gasped. Misa fell against the tile, and I made my way into her. She cried out (in pain or pleasure, I couldn't tell), her voice resounding against the whitewashed walls. Within her screams, I could still hear the detective. I was determined to make her scream louder.
"Rai-chan...!"
"Raito-kun...!"
"Oh god, please!"
"Your taste...it's maddening."
"It hurts!"
"Not with you again."
"Stop..."
I heard her instead. Coming to my senses, I pulled out of the sobbing girl. Flecks of blood stained her ivory skin. I had injured her, but I couldn't tell where. What had I done? Was this who I was? Did I have to hurt Misa?
She's a simple girl with a simple mind.
"Misa..."
"It's okay, Rai-chan," she said, sniffling. "You didn't mean to hurt me."
She stood up, wobbling towards the kitchen's exit. A thin trail of blood extended from her thigh to her ankle. Misa grasped the threshold, not willing to make the slightest eye contact with me. It was okay. I didn't care to look into her tear-stained eyes either. It would have been too much.
"Why were you crying, Ryuuzaki?"
"I need to go somewhere," I said.
"Where?" she whispered.
"I'll be back soon."
She turned around. Still, no eye contact. I picked up my wrinkled clothes, scattered along the tile. Misa walked closer to me to help me dress, but would not lift her head. She straightened my shirt, and moved to the collar. Her tiny hands trembled with each button, as though she were afraid to touch me. But I heard her whisper: Turn to the side, through the hole, push and set.
When she was done, she tried her best to smile. Her arms fell limply to her sides. Goosebumps littered her bare skin, but she no longer shivered. She turned off the kitchen light. Misa turned her back to me, head lowered, lost in the darkness. What was there to do for her?
"Come back soon, then," said Misa.
If you go, you will regret it, said Kira.
"I will," I said.
No one had visited his grave in years.
Not since he was last buried.
For me, it had been five years. I remember cackling and senselessly throwing myself over the dirt. Kira had literally rolled upon the grave of his enemy. He would be back soon to laugh again through me. I tried to remain quiet for the duration of my visit. That was not what I came here for.
The gleam of the cross had faded over the years, reduced to a dull grey and speckled with the remnants of rain. The roses, placed by the strange woman five years ago, had long since withered away. Only the filthy ribbon was left, blowing in the cold air and clinging to a dead weed.
I bent down to touch the earth. Grains of dirt made their way under my fingernails. By now, he would be reduced to dust. His body was buried so far below, but had any of it made its way to the surface? Were the grains under my nails once his eyes? His skin?
If I pulled the coffin out and opened it, would the crooked spine still be there?
The spidery, bent fingers?
Or the single strands of his dark hair?
I pushed the ridiculous notions from my mind. Digging him up would bring no relief, and it was a sick idea in itself.
Why are you here? I heard his voice whisper. I didn't know if it was all in my mind, or if he really was there. But I responded.
"I don't know."
You put me here, you know. Indirectly.
"I needed to. You had to die."
I suppose that's how it works. But you cannot make up your mind, can you? What does Kira think?
"I don't care what Kira thinks."
Clearly a lie. You're slipping, Raito. Further and further. There's no helping you now. I feel this is the last time we'll talk like this while you're alive.
"What are you talking about?"
You'll understand soon, I'm sure. He will come for you, take over, thrill in the battle to come. And you won't remember me at all until the end.
The rose-colored tinges of sunrise faded into a clear blue. I did not know what time it was, and the cemetery remained empty. From a distance, I could almost make out L's crooked silhouette against the tree. And then, I heard no more from him.
A/N: I apologize that this took me forever. I've been working on this chapter little by little over the semester, and I've found it the most difficult of all. I don't know whether it is the fact that I didn't care much for the second half of the series, or that L is almost absent from the story. Because of this, I'm completely dissatisfied with this chapter. There's not enough going on...not enough guilt, action, feeling, or Kira and L. But I had it on my hard drive, so I've decided to post it. I definitely want to rewrite this when I find the time. I've thought about leaving it at three chapters, but I really wasn't going for a bleak ending like my one-shot.
It's a great deal shorter than the other chapters, and I'm afraid that it will continue to be this short until the last chapter. I don't know if that's good or bad, really! I can't promise when the next will come out, but I thank everyone for their kind words and CC on my first chapter-length DN fic.
I've edited this chapter a little, especially since I noticed that there was a double paragraph. I apologize!