Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

I lost my beloved without deserving it,
For a bunch of roses that I denied her.
So long I've been loving you,
I will never forget you.

- "A La Claire Fontaine"

The first thing that I noticed after I closed my eyes was the loss of light. There was an overbearing darkness that I could not escape from. My body was heavy and then no longer mine, separating from my mind as though it had been its own being all along. I have heard from various religious sources that you see a tunnel upon death, or your life "flashing" before your very eyes, or your dead body as you float into whatever afterlife you choose to believe in. But I saw nothing.

And the only thing that remained were Kira's eyes, which had engulfed all of Yagami Raito. I watched as his teary eyes morphed into that evil red. They bore themselves into me, into nothingness. I will never forget their intensity, taken over by the insanity of Kira. I knew that if it weren't for Kira, Raito would have been a normal man. It is not Raito who had me killed.

Kira. It always was Kira.

There was no escaping the void that I was committed to. Somehow, the only piece left of me would be left to contemplate just what I was experiencing. Was it my mind or my soul? Should I continue to believe that I am dead, or is this not reality? My mind raced with thoughts and theories, trying to figure out everything. But I was without answers. I, the genius known as L, had no answer for this.

It was then that the truth illuminated the darkness, as though it were a blinding beacon in the middle of nowhere. It was the ever-elusive truth that I had been searching for. I suppose in death, everything becomes clear. What was once unknown is known, the lies revealed. All that had been hidden from me was given to me in an instant, and I had reached the one goal that had taken up my entire life: complete knowledge.

Why was I in darkness? I already knew. I had believed in nothing, and that was what I was sent to. I believed that there was nothing after death, not even existence. This must be Hell, I thought, to know this with one-hundred-percent certainty, waiting for an end that will never come. For eternity, I will float in nothingness, consumed by all that is true.

The truth can be much more frightening than the lie. I regret pursuing that absolute truth. I knew that there was no one to call out to and there would be no one dead already that could contact me. I was sent to a world without a beginning and without an ending. My only comfort in nothingness was that Kira would soon be sent here, though at the cost of Raito's life.

Raito, the light that had burned out...

I thought of the first night we had truly made love, though we would have never called it love in our waking moments. I thought of the feeling of consuming him with my entire being, taking in an entire person. I then realized that I still had a hunger, a need, a craving...no longer for sweets or anything trivial as that, but for another soul. Mere facts and truth would never be enough. And I knew that he felt the same.

Raito...Light.

In this position, I decided to ask for the one truth that I had yet to be given. And, as though a door opened before me, it was given. My mother, who had remained distant, still resided in my memories.

"Il y a longtemps que je t'aime...jamais je ne t'oublierai."

She was a beautiful girl, about fourteen. My grandmother never liked her for her wide eyes, so completely unlike hers. They weren't Japanese; they were large and too Western for her tastes. Her hair was far too wild. And my grandmother did not care for me, for I had been conceived from violence.

"It's time to go."

"Five more minutes Mummy, please."

"I've given you more than enough time with him."

"Please."

"Fine. Three more minutes. We can't keep him waiting."

They had taken me to Wammy's House, and I remember the trip there; we went through the old, creaking doors, down the long corridor, their footsteps echoing on the marble floor. My mother trembled. I knew she was frightened, for I was frightened as well. We were soon in the presence of who I would come to know as Watari.

"Ah, this must be her. Please, sit down. What is your name, dear one?"

"Marie-Laure, sir,"

"How old are you?"

"Fourteen."

"I see. Will you tell me about him?"

"His name is L Lawliet."

"L Lawliet?"

"I didn't want him to have his surname. So I made one up—Lawliet."

"And the L? Why one letter for a first name?"

"Because it's unique. Because no one else in the world will be like him. L is a good letter. Lots of nice things start with L."

"Well, I think it's a good name."

The time was coming for me to be separated from her. I could feel it. She did not want to give me up either.

"I don't mean to be disrespectful, Mr. Wammy, but I can't give him to you. He's my son and I want to keep him!"

"This is ridiculous. You can't handle a child. You're only fifteen years old! Give him up. Mr. Wammy will take care of him and find suitable parents for him."

"But I'm his mother...I can't just give him up, Mummy!"

"Marie-Laure, you know we can never love this child without that constant reminder of the bastard that took advantage of you. As far as I'm concerned, he is no grandson of mine. Now give him up!"

"He reminds me of it. Everyday, I remember it. But it's not his fault. He didn't ask for it."

"Your mind will change."

And the last words that she ever said to me...

"Know that I love you more than anything else in the world."

My mother was too young, far too young to have been responsible for me. It is only right that she had given me up. I understood that at last. If I had not been left at Wammy's, my genius might not have been encouraged under the scorn of my grandmother. Sometimes the truth can hurt, and sometimes it can bring peace.

It would take up too much time to relate everything that I discovered in Nothingness, and I know you Shinigami have no time for any of that. Though I am certainly pleased that you all stopped to listen to my story. But I wonder: it is partly because of the events that transpired on Earth? The Death Note, and my entanglement with Yagami Raito? Or is it love and hate that you are so curious about?

I am not lying when I tell you that human emotion is more frightening to me than any darkness. It is too truthful, too blinding to cover up. Whereas the darkness hides what should not be seen, the light shows it all. Floating in endlessness with only Truth as my companion was driving me to insanity. My emotions were increased tenfold, some of which I had never felt in their entirety. The human body was gone, but the human emotions still remained.

There is one last story to tell you all, and it is the one I loathe and avoid the most. In death, I no longer have a reason to avoid my past. There was one person before Raito, one who had driven me further into my reclusive state.

He was known as A, and he was the first of my successors.

Watari had originally created Wammy's House as an orphanage. He had an immense love for children, especially those that had been abandoned from birth; after all, he was one himself. A grand inventor and brilliant mind, he also planned to become a teacher to them. That was the story that he always related to me.

I had the privilege of being the first orphan he had taken in. Watari noticed my genius on my first day. I could comprehend more than the average child and I learned at an incredibly fast rate. Though I did not speak my first words until I was five years old—it was "I would like some cake," by the way—Watari always knew what I was capable of. In fact, he was so taken by my capabilities that he never took in another regular orphan. Most of his time was spent dedicated to nurturing my growth, and he came to regard me as his own son.

It is hard to say exactly when he stopped calling me L Lawliet. I suppose it was shortly after I had demonstrated my abilities as a detective. Watari had missions that he always went on and I would help him from afar. He utilized my genius for the greater good, he would say. That was when I had gotten used to calling him "Watari" and him calling me "L," "Ryuuzaki," "Eraldo Coil", or "Denueve." No one could ever know our true names and identities or else we would die. There were people that would kill for that information and he could not spare me, a mere child. Watari would stress that upon me as a child.

But Watari knew that he had strayed from his original dream of maintaining the orphanage. One glance at me, and he knew the future of Wammy's House: he would take in other geniuses like myself so that they may one day become my successor, despite my being only ten at the time. He was so thrilled by the idea that he scoured all of Europe and Asia for these children.

The first one was Aleksei.

He was a boy without a last name, without a country, and without memories of his family. I will never forget the day that I met him. Watari had taken me outside of the orphanage to meet others before, but it was the first time that anyone would come to live with us. As a result, I felt that I connected with him on a deeper level, deeper than I felt I could with strangers outside Wammy's House.

"Aleksei, this is L Lawliet," said Watari.

His empty blue eyes bore into my own. The blonde hair upon his head was messy, dirty, and long. And yet, he seemed to be the most beautiful thing in the world. I searched for any tell-tale signs of his life, as a detective would, but there was nothing to find. Aleksei was a blank slate that would be filled with my knowledge.

"He will be your successor, L. Can you say hello to L, Aleksei?"

The boy was silent.

"Much like you, L, he doesn't speak much. Give him time."

And he did speak after some time.

To protect his identity, he was given the name "A." When we were not training him, he and I would play outside. It was the sort of thing that made Watari happy—I was reaching out to another human being, despite my eccentricities. I was being a normal child...well, as normal as anyone like me could be. The most wonderful part was that A was just like me: awkward and socially stunted, but brilliant.

Playtime transformed to study time, as we poured over notes and case files. We rarely left the orphanage, preferring to keep within the grounds. Around that time, Watari began to bring in more children—B, C, and D, he called them. He decided that it would be best to keep my true name from them; I would only be called "L" by the other orphans. Only A was allowed to call me by my true name, as he knew it long before they did.

"L Lawliet," whispered A. "I'm glad that I'm the only one that knows it."

"I want you to be the only one. I do not trust the others."

A chuckled. "You trust no one except for me and Watari. That also makes me glad."

I did not care to get to know them, but it was B that would not leave me alone. He constantly searched for new ways to grab my attention, possibly because he was amazed at my abilities. B was not as brilliant as A, and for this I did not pay him any mind. And B noticed this. This was my mistake, for most of his unbridled rage was taken out on A when none of us were paying attention.

A did not come to me with any of these problems until B forced himself upon him one night, when we were fifteen. He stumbled into my room, flaxen hair tangled and pajamas torn. Tears flowed from his cerulean eyes and blood stained his clothes. I took him into my arms, feeling the wetness from his tears on my shoulder.

"He said he wanted to know what was so special about me," said A. "I told him there was nothing I had that he didn't have, and he..."

"Shh. It is only us."

A buried his face in my chest, clinging onto me like a frightened child. We sat like that in the dark night for hours, just A and L. I felt a strange emotion come over me—a fondness and a want to protect what I held. To this day, I cannot say if I ever truly loved A, but I did develop feelings for him.

We never told Watari about what B did, though I did ask for A to sleep in my room instead. As we were two boys, Watari did not mind us sharing a bed, but he was not without his suspicions. Some mornings, he would find us wrapped in each other's arms like lovers.

I asked that Watari and Roger (a trusted friend of Watari's) keep a close eye on B, and stated that I had a feeling that he had violent intentions against several other orphans. By that time, the number of orphans had increased from D to K. I would talk to a few of them, but I kept my distance. However, I did manage to befriend J, a Brazilian-Portuguese boy who taught me capoeira at my request. If B should ever come near A again, I could defend him.

And through it all, B insisted on getting my attention. He idolized me to the point of insanity, even going so far as to mimic my physical appearance and mannerisms. Most of Wammy's House was disturbed by his behavior and Watari had considered letting B go. But he knew far too much.

"I know your true name," he whispered to me one day. "I know everyone's true name."

Were they the ravings of someone going mad? Even now, I cannot be sure. I chose to ignore him and focused on my work and my relationship with A. By then, we were nearly eighteen.

"L, what do you know of love?" he asked one day.

"I know nothing of love."

"So you wouldn't know if you felt it or not?"

"Love is merely chemical. I suppose you would feel some sort of reaction."

"What if I told you that I feel a reaction all the time?"

"Caused by what?"

His face began to close in on mine.

I received my first kiss out in the fields near the orphanage. I had never felt anything like it—no embrace could do it justice. When our lips touched, it was as though I had received the first drops of water after years of thirst. I wanted more of him, so much more. We sneaked back into the building, running down the hallway towards my room (startling many people along the way, I bet). He locked the door behind us and before I knew it, I was enveloped in his warmth.

"Is that what you humans call 'romance'?" asked one Shinigami, laughing. He had just sat down to listen. L smiled.

"I know nothing of romance, but I have been told that's what it is."

"Sounds mushy to me," said another. "That's probably what that loser felt...what was his name again?"

"Gelus, I think," said a female one. "He was pretty pathetic."

"Hey, guys, let him finish the story!"

I had awoken the next morning alone in my bed. A's side was cold, indicating that he had left long ago. It was five o'clock. I climbed out of the bed and walked through the empty hallways. Everyone was sound asleep and would not wake up for another hour. I heard a groan from the bathroom nearby.

"L."

It was A.

Pushing the door open, I found A in the bathtub, his wrists slashed, a razor in his right hand. He bled profusely from his wounds, and I felt my own blood run cold.

"L," he whispered. I picked him up from the bathtub, cradling him in my arms.

"Don't be afraid. I will get help. Hold on."

"Li...listen...h-he..."

"Don't speak, Aleksei! Hold on!"

I screamed for help, running towards Watari's room. All the orphans in the house opened their doors to see what was wrong. Everything was a blur—Watari called an ambulance, A was taken from my arms, and that was the last time I would see him alive. When I found out that he had died, the world darkened around me. I can honestly say that is when I retreated from everything. I trusted no one else except Watari, the only parent I ever had. I shed L Lawliet completely, becoming L, a shadow behind a single letter.

Everyone was questioned after that. Watari and Roger asked if A had any sort of problems with everyone. Even I was questioned, and that was when I confessed to B's abuse. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was B that killed A, but I had no proof. B's DNA was not found anywhere in the bathroom, and A's wounds suggested that he had committed suicide.

"Well, he did tell me that he was depressed that he couldn't be like L. It was impossible to be his successor. I heard him talk of suicide many times," said B.

Shortly after that, B escaped from the orphanage, never to be seen again until the series of murders in Los Angeles. With the help of Misora Naomi, B was thrown in jail. However, I later found out that he was one of the prisoners that died from a heart attack, certainly from Kira's hand. Am I glad that Kira had taken his life? I am really not sure, and even now, the only part of Aleksei that is clear in my mind is his cool, blue eyes.

I know now that there is no doubt that what I had seen in Raito is what I had seen in A. The same fire, intelligence, beauty, and ambition. Raito, of course, is far more cunning, a trait that I both admired and hated in him. It was that cunning that allowed Kira to take over, but also made Raito who he was.

Why, I can't say that I ever truly loved Aleksei.

But I know that I love Raito.

My mind felt heavy. Everything came together, even my true feelings. I did not know what feelings really were when I was alive, but I understood them in the void. Raito was my most prominent thought. While all that I was presented with was true, he was the only thing that I believed in. Somewhere under the influence of Kira remained Yagami Raito.

I believe in you...Raito-kun.

That's when I heard his voice echoing in the darkness.

L.

I could not see his body, but I felt him surround me...as though he had taken me into his being. I was engulfed in Raito himself. I envisioned his body. Every curve and straight line, every single hair and muscle. It was the first image I had had in what seemed like years in the void.

Raito sat in front of a laptop, with his eyes closed, his breathing slow. I saw my body in the monitor's reflection, but it was a stranger to me. That body was not mine, and yet it moved as I moved, with long fingers stroking the soft skin beneath them. Raito leaned into the touch. It was bizarre...he could feel me, but I could only feel his presence. Was this even happening?

Raito-kun...

He sighed quietly. The old body moved again with me as it took Raito into its arms, lips against his ear.

I'm not really here. Or am I? This cannot be happening. Not with you again.

It was then that the tunnel appeared before me. The pathway that so many have talked about, the hole in the void, leading to the afterlife. I asked myself if it was my belief in Raito that allowed me to escape Nothingness...

"Instead, it was all you," concluded L.

The Shinigami cackled.

"Well, we were bored, and Ryuk made a name for himself up here with that Kira business. We wanted to hear about it from you."

"You know, I didn't even know we had that power."

"Hey, I didn't either. Who was it that pulled the human through?"

"Beats me."

L watched the Shinigami talk amongst themselves. Looking up at the cold, gray sky, he thought of Raito. If the Shinigami were able to bring him into their world, they must be able to send him to the world of the living. He looked down at his new form, which was only a shadow of his former body. It was far too strange, but he believed it all. There were no mirrors in the Shinigami world, and he wondered if he would show up in one. Considering his deceased state, it was unlikely.

Would Raito recognize him?

"Listen," said L, "would it be possible for one of you to send me to Earth?"

They cackled again.

"Pretty sure we can, but you're gonna have to come back."

"Can't stay there forever."

"You're gonna go see that Kira guy?"

L smiled.

"No, I'm going to go see Raito."

A/N: I can't believe that I neglected this poor little fic for a year and a half. It's actually approaching its second birthday, so I will be making the next chapter the last. It's all fleshed out and yes, it will be as canon as I can make it (sidestepping a few of the rules set in the series). I lost interest in Death Note as a whole, but I can honestly say that coming back to this fic has sparked my interest again. I still love Light and L.

Because I didn't remember exactly where I was going with it, I read it again and noticed a few things:

1. The amount of expository writing.

2. The amount of flowery language.

3. The unnecessary addition of L's mother (though a few people have said they like it).

For all those, I must apologize. I did plan on rewriting this, but it looks like this will remain the final draft of the fic. I would have loved to, since my writing has improved greatly in two years. But just to let you guys know, these last two chapters will be different (though I wrote half of this one a year ago). I will not be writing L's backstory again, since I've inserted it into this fic. Anyway, last chapter is coming up soon...as a heads-up, it won't be as depressing as it would've been. Thank you so much for your comments! Let me know if there are any huge inconsistencies, since it has been quite some time since I've worked on it!