IX. Love Me Dead
I've decided to make a list of steps of how to get what I want and need. Kind of. Ish. More or so the guy that I want…
And if this list of steps doesn't work then I am a total, undeniable, loser, and I will walk around with a sign that says so and be an old, wrinkly woman who lives with sixty or so cats whom I can't remember their names. Except for Fitzwilliam, (darn, too much Pride & Prejudice!) who would be my favorite cat.
-
Steps On How To Subtly, but not obnoxiously, get the uber mega hot guy that you want.
Step 1.
Show him that you are the most attractive person he will ever meet and that if he ever lost you he would be crushed.
o-o
Step 2.
Take cooking lessons with him. Every man wants a woman who can cook, and every woman wants a man who can cook. (I will not have a hubby who can only make me cheese fries and burnt lasagna!)
o-o
Step 3.
Make him utterly jealous by going out every so often with an attractive (but not as attractive as him) gentleman. (pshh like I can find one of those…seriously.)
o-o
Step 4.
Learn to tango.
Who doesn't think that the tango is sexy? And what other way to impress a guy than with dancing?
o-o
Now that isn't the conclusion to the steps, because there's definitely going to be more, but at the moment those are the only ones that come to mind. Or ahem...some of them I don't think I'd be allowed to say publicly or out loud.
I've finally decided that hey, I am not letting this guy get away from me. If I truly believe this is how I feel for him, then I guess I really have to go for it. (Not that these steps are actually going to help me win him over or anything)
Considering that this whole weird idea hit me on an impulse, I rode my bike to the closest Seven Eleven I could find and bought a small notebook and a cool yellow pen with a yellow ducky on it. It was the cutest thing ever.
But it cost me two dollars and eighty cents.
So I really have to learn to control my impulses and not buy overly expensive pens. (Shucks)
I must've looked extremely stupid, sitting there on the floor of the store, (yuck, it was probably germ infested from all the sick teenagers having sex on it or from the boogers that haven't found a Kleenex.) scribbling my four steps on how to get my lub.
"Rukia?" Someone said, standing beside me, with a bag in their right hand.
I looked up and saw Renji, his arms crossed over his chest and an amused smile on his face. "What are you doing on the floor?" He asked.
My face got red at being caught looking like a moron and I stood up to face him. "Haha, uhh n-nothing." Great. Life is just dandy. "Um, what's up?"
I walked out the door with him, wondering why he came in and didn't buy anything.
Renji gave me a weird smile and shook his head. "I was just gonna go buy some milk but I might as well go with you wherever you're going to make sure you don't get hurt."
I smiled at Renji and walked in the direction of my apartment. "Thanks, you really don't have to, but whatever floats your boat Renji."
In response Renji gave another smile. "Thanks Rukia."
For what?
"Thanks for what?" I asked a little bluntly.
He blushed and didn't say anything.
"Jeez Renji, no need to be a creeper." I joked, nudging him in the side.
"Ha…yeah."
Hmm, I guess a person really can change within two weeks.
Considering that that was the amount of time I hadn't talked to Renji, he's been acting differently. Not that I mind or anything, but I find it kind of weird.
Ichigo says he has the 'hots' for me, which I find truly impossible. And awkward. And since it's coming from Ichigo it probably is some weird unbelievable lie.
Why would Renji like me?
Bleh.
Why can't Ichigo just whisk me away and have babies with me on a beach with a sunset in the background, or during a candlelit romantic picnic (How cliché.) and take away all my troubles?
Oh gee, now I'm starting to sound like Orihime in the ninth grade when she'd give anything to be Ichigo's wife.
Every other Wednesday I get to walk my adorable, lovable, cute, neighbors dogs. This daughter of one of the neighbors told me I was lame and a loser. Oh, I hope she has self-esteem issues.
Dog walking is not a lame job! It's fun and a great workout.
Sometimes I wish I had dogs. Ichigo said they're too much of a hassle and that we couldn't take care of one because we're barely even home (squeal! Yes! He said home!…what the hell is the matter with me?) and that the dog might quote take a ginormous smelly dump unquote in our apartment.
I partly agree with that. It'd still be nice to have a happy little face greet me when I open the door.
Sigh. Yes, I'm a little lonely.
"Gosh Ichigo, you really are an illiterate." I said, chewing on a gummy bear from our scrabble game play best food ever bowl.
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Like you're any better."
" Just because you can't spell Adirondack and I can doesn't mean you have to be a butthead to me."
I. Love. Scrabble.
Honestly, I am a total champion at it.
If there were Olympics for it I would be the gold medalist.
Seriously.
"I'm not, you just suck passionately." He retorted.
Dear Lord, it's like talking to a sock.
I brushed a strand of hair away from my face frowned. "Gee thanks, and you make love to dead chicks."
"PMS." Ichigo said, putting the blocks with letters into the word he said.
"PMS isn't a word, it's an abbreviation." I said curtly, messing up his letters.
"Well it's what you're doing." His fingers reached the board and tried to fix his messed up letters.
"You know PMS only occurs with normal ovarian functions? You should be happy something isn't wrong with my uterus and ovaries." I said, looking at the board and trying to find a word to spell. "Speaking of my uterus, my period hasn't come for two months, which I find kind of freaky because I'm definitely not one to get drunk and have sex with some random hot guy."
Ichigo looked at me with a deadpan expression saying 'Like you could get a hot guy'. "Wow Rukia, didn't know you were such a promiscuous midget." His fingers grabbed a snicker from the bowl.
"Are you implying that I'm extremely and very very sexy?" Came my teasing voice, hoping I was right.
And BAM!
The Beginning and Action of Steps On How To Subtly, but not obnoxiously, get the uber mega hot guy that you want.
Starting with Step 1. : work it Rukia! NAO! (I think. I hope. Oh gosh.)
Is there a way to miserably fail at trying to be sexy? Because I think I just did.
You know those times where it's appropriate to say 'Epic Fail'?
Hmm, let's just say I think that just happened.
Not that my gorgey (gorgeous, duh) self can't be…erm…sexy.
It's just not a win win for me.
"Rukia you can be such a weirdo sometimes," (Damn!) "wait no scratch that, all the time."(Double damn!) Ichigo said, getting up to go to the fridge after my little uhh…show, hiding his face from me.
"Like I didn't know that." I grumbled to myself a little miserably.
Well this is odd.
Ichigo won't stop staring at me.
Not that I don't mind or anything. It's just making me blush. A lot.
And isn't it kind of rude to be staring at people in public? I mean, we're in thrift store (I need new hairclips) and it's embarrassing me!
Woe…kinda.
I turned to Ichigo and frowned. "What? Is there a booger hanging from my nose or something?
He still stared at me strangely, making me self-conscious and really thinking that there might actually be a booger hanging from my nose. Crap! What if there is a booger hanging from my nose? I can't pick my nose in front of people here!
While contemplating this, through the corner of my eye I saw Ichigo semi gawk at me.
What the hell?
Did I grow a forty-eight inch boil in the last two minutes or something?
Ugh, not this again.
I stopped in front of an aisle, crossed my arms over my chest, and gave him a threatening look.
" 'Scuse me but isn't it a little rude to stare, Ichigo?
Ichigo huffed. "You obviously know I'm not really one for manners Rukia."
I rolled my eyes. " I think that'd be clear to even a blind monkey."
Yet again, Ichigo stayed silent and looked away from me.
I sighed and groaned. " Is there something you need to tell me Ichigo?"
After a minute Ichigo finally responded and said something to me I never thought anyone, not even my mom would say to me; "Rukia I think you're pregnant."
...I think I just had a seizure.
Literally.
"WHAT?" I hissed out at him, waking up babies from across the ocean and making them scream.
A/N: Wow am I a narcissistic bitch or what? Jeez.
Oh god, my dog is terrorizing little kids.
No seriously.
And lately he's been eating everything. Like everything from my toe nails to the curtains.
How unfair.
Well, hey, uhh, I updated! And I just finished watching Ever After for the first time. Is it me or do most people imagine princes with long-ish pantene commercial flowing hair and while they ride these beautiful horses and their hair is just flying everywhere that you think you just died or peed a little(not really. that'd be kind of creepy.)
Did you guys like this?
It was kind of short and yes, as always, pointless.
But hey, I think I finally have an idea what to do with this story. I mean whenever I wrote this I did it for fun and didn't put any thought to it.
Yeah.
If you actually liked it or wanted to make me in the least bit happy, review?
I love reviews really. They make me feel special.
Mon Merle A Perdu Une Plume?