X. Build Me Up Buttercup


I think I'm going to become a Buddhist.

I mean really, Buddha doesn't get hit in the head with inanimate objects by his so-called 'Best Friend' for speaking his mind, does he?

And hell, people even go along with his beliefs.

Speaking of my best friend, aren't best friends supposed to be nicer?

Aren't they supposed to give you hugs and cuddle with you?

What the hell kind of best friend do I have?

All she does is yell at me for being 'stupid'.

She's so moody.

I mean almost everything I say offends her.

Going back on the moody subject, what's up with her being semi-calm in one minute and trying to be seductive the next?

Who does that other than a hooker getting paid half price?

Not that I'd ever let my best friend become a hooker.

And if she were a hooker I wouldn't let anyone touch her. Because really, what if she got an STD? Or something worse?

Not saying she'd be a bad hooker or anything like that…

"What the hell Rukia? Why are we going to take some crappy cooking lesson if I already know how to cook? We already took Food Ed. in high school so what's the point?" I asked, looking at her with one hand on the steering wheel and trying to keep my eyes focused on the road at the same time.

We were driving to this stupid cooking ish place where I'm sure it only taught you how to bake cookies and other crap like that. It was basically pointless.

Rukia crossed her arms over her chest and fidgeted in the passengers seat beside me.

"The point is Ichigo, I do not want you to only make me your stupid cheese fries and burnt lasagna on practically every holiday, special occasion and my birthday…which would technically count as a special occasion but whatever."

"But I thought you liked my cheese fries and burnt lasagna?"

Her eyes rolled back and for a second all I saw were the whites of her eyes. How creepy.

"Only when your sister helps you make them."

"So then why do you still eat them?"

Rukia's cheeks turned pink and she looked up at me angrily. "Becau—The road you idiot! Pay attention to the damn road! Stop staring at me like I'm a Staphylococcal infection!" She shrieked, causing me to swerve and hold onto the steering wheel until I probably dented it with my palms.

I hate it when people yell at me in a car. I get so freaked out I don't even drive right.

If you ever mess with me in a car we'll probably either end up in a car crash, off the road or in a ditch. No joke.

"Damn it Rukia stop yelling at me in the car! You know I can't drive right!" I growled, pushing the gas pedal harder than it needed to be pushed.

"Well I wouldn't be yelling at you if you'd just pay attention and learn to drive right! Stay on the left lane! What are you doing? Stay on the left lane!"

Tip: Never ever openly voice your opinion to Rukia…or tell her you think she's pregnant.

She'll take it the wrong way. (And probably put you in a boiling pot of piranhas and giraffes)

When I told her this tidbit of information she screamed at me like there was no tomorrow.

Reason for thinking her eggo is preggo: 1) she's getting a little flubby in the tummy department and obviously no one except me would notice because I'm her best friend so…yeah, 2) she's moody…well she's always moody…but now it's worse, 3) I found a condom in her room. Yes, a condom! My first question is, who the hell is she sleeping with?

The only guy I ever remember her really liking is that guy Kaien Shiba who was in college while we were in high school. She used to talk about him all the time and it got really annoying. Whenever he came around she acted like such a dork. You know? All smart…and pretty… not that she isn't any of those on a daily basis…but you get the point. And she even wore make up when she was around him! Rukia never wears make up around me! Or in general! I think he's married now… what a downer for her.

My second question is, where the hell is that son of a bitch she slept with so I can castrate him?

"Don't say I told you so." Rukia said venomously. I could almost see her fangs and pointy tongue come out.

Earlier I told her the place probably wouldn't be open by the time we got there because it's a Sunday. I was obviously right.

If I were a girl I'd probably giggle at the sight of her face. But guys don't giggle. It's part of the Manly Code of Honor. So I settled for whistling.

Rukia screamed and kicked the door, looking like she was going to break it and eat it.

"What the hell you stupid store?" Hard kick. "Your website said you were open from nine am to frickin six pm! It's only four twenty!" Harder kick. "What's the matter with you?" Harder-er kick.

I tapped her shoulder. "Did you check the weekend hours?"

She tensed and grew silent. For a second I thought she was gonna bust out in tears, but instead she looked like Medusa and pulled my ear and dragged me to the car. "We're going home and making something from the Food Network website!"

We got in the car and she shouted, "No cookies!"

I got a call from Tatsuki to go meet her and Orihime at the gas station right after I got to the apartment with Rukia. They said something about Ishida.

Rukia didn't look at me when she heard about it. She sighed deeply and walked into Penelope's Room.

She's such a confusing person.

When I left I heard the beginning of Sonata No. 14 in C-sharp minor, Op. 27, No. 2.

Which to me is one of the most depressing songs you might ever hear.

"What'd you guys need?" I asked as I walked up to Tatsuki and Orihime.

Tatsuki was frowning while Orihime looked a little embarrassed.

"Well you see…Ishida is…umm, I accidentally spilled a bottle of Coca Cola on his pants and apparently it got on his underwear as well and he doesn't want me or Tatsuki to go buy him new pants and underwear and we already asked Chad and Renji but they're not picking up their phones."

I blinked at them. What? "You want me to buy him underwear and pants?"

Both of them nodded.

Who the hell do I look like?

The undy-buying guy, that's who.

I grabbed my forehead and mentally groaned. "Alright, where is he?"

"In the bathroom in the gas station."

I now know the underwear and pant size of Ishida Uryu.

Gee, how awkward can that get? What a conversation starter.

I tried to find the most embarrassing underwear I could find for without seeming like a homosexual creep. But either way I think I gave off that appearance by grinning while looking at polka dotted briefs.

The kid at the cash register looked at me and his eyes popped out like Roger Rabbit's.

I was tempted to say, "Yes, these are actually for me. I'm a hot male stripper." but I didn't.

When I got back to the gas station and gave Ishida his new underwear and pants I could've sworn he screamed like a girl.

As soon as he got out I jumped into my (basically Rukia's) car and drove laughing all the way home. Nah, I don't feel bad at all.

Rukia was sitting on the couch with a carton of strawberry ice cream in her arms and watching the scene in Pride & Prejudice where Mr. Darcy is confessing his love to Elizabeth but she denies and they start to argue and then it seems like Mr. Darcy is about to kiss Elizabeth but he doesn't. The only reason I know this is because Rukia's made me watch that movie over ten times. It's a pretty complicated movie.

Rukia looked up at me and paused the movie right before Mr. Darcy is about to 'kiss' Elizabeth. "Oh, you're home. I half expected you to come in with a sombrero on your head and spouting something about a 'sexy party'." She commented lamely.

I snorted. "More like bought briefs with polka dots on them. And oh guess what, they weren't for me."

"Interesting. Didn't know you went that way Ichigo." She said, a smile creeping up her face.

I rolled my eyes and sat next to her on the couch. "Is Mr. Darcy gonna kiss Elizabeth or what?"

Rukia sighed contentedly and settled more into the couch until she was more comfortable, scooting closer to me until her head was practically on my shoulder and I could smell her hair. Personally, girls pamper themselves a bit too much. They always smell good no matter what. Even if they haven't taken a shower in days…although that's kind of stretching it. The shorts she was wearing lifted a little until it they were about ten ish inches above her knees. That's pretty damn short. I think I might need to get her a blanket in case someone walks in.

"Shut up and watch the movie Ichigo."

After the movie we actually went on the Food Network website and made something. I couldn't really understand the name of the dish 'cause it was all in Italian, but it sure as hell sounded good.

"Hey Ichigo?" Rukia asked, sitting on the counter and staring at me, her bright eyes pensive.

The food was in the oven cooking and it was already six thirty.

I sat in front of the oven and looked up at her. "Yeah?"

She was silent for a moment.

"I…I have something I need to tell you."

A/N: Wow…I have made one of the most crack ish blarg stories. Kinda.

But hey, let's be glad everyone's not dancing to Abba and acting weirder than I made them out to be. Right? Just agree.

Uhhh, so it's a pretty indecent update, but hell, it's an update. And what do you know? I'm not dead...

Soooo...I think that review button is pretty much screaming to all of you: "Hey sexy? I know you wanna click me. So let's do it babe. You'll feel good afterward. Mmmhhhmmm."

You children know what I'm talking about. (And yes, I'm a bit of a creep.)