Sam knew he had to return to the hotel room eventually, he also knew that Dean would want to continue the talk he had abruptly left. The problem with having strange new feelings for your older brother, beyond the brother part, is that the likeliness that they share your feelings is slim. Everything is different when you only have one real family member, when you feel as though you are losing that one person it is like losing a part of your soul. Sam was unaccustomed to feeling like Dean wouldn't love him anymore. After all it had always been Dean putting on his band-aids and kissing the scratch better, always Dean comforting Sam. Without Dean, Sam couldn't help but think he would actually die.
Walking back into the motel room took more effort than Sam would have thought. Avoiding looking at Dean, he headed straight for the couch. Girls in very skimpy clothes, saying very cheesy lines flicked in and out of focus across the screen. The poor reception n the motel was only made worse by the storm moving in, each loud clap of thunder echoing through the room. As the picture flicked back into focus Sam gasped at the sudden nudity of the characters.
"Dean, what on Earth are you watching?" Sam had meant to stay quiet and avoid Dean, but the surprise of porn had shocked his mouth into turning on.
"Eh, some porno pretending to be a movie," Dean shrugged, not really caring if Sam knew he watched porn. It wasn't as though it was the first time he had been caught by the boy.
"Typically you are a bit more…into it" Sam said with a half grin, finally looking over at Dean's casual position on the bed.
"I got bored." Dean really didn't know what else to say, after all he could just admit to daydreaming about his little brother.
"Dean, about earlier I-"
"No worries, your young and hormonal. I understand, I'm sure your lust for your amazingly sexy older brother will fade" Dean smirked and stared over at Sam, laughing as the boy blushed.
"It is not lust and it isn't going away." Sam couldn't help but defend his feelings, after all lust was something he should be ashamed of, the love he felt for Dean wans't.
"Sure it isn't, keep telling your self that" Dean turned to stare at the ceiling in an attempt to hide his feelings. He was well aware that his own feelings would never change, but he was also responsible for protecting Sam, even if it meant suffering in silence.
"You've obviously never been in love." Sam cringed internally at the cold words, almost spat as an accusation.
"Sam, your not in love with me. You're too young to know what love is." Dean felt as though he was ripping his heart out and throwing it to the ground. The pain in Sam's words was clear, but the need to protect won over the guilt.
"Dean, I am not too young! God damn it, I love you. You were my first kiss, now you're my first love. Take responsibility for your actions! You started this." Hot tears lined Sam's eyes as he stared at his thighs, emotion thick in his voice.
"I'm trying to protect you, don't you see that Sam. I would do anything for you but I…I won't let me drag you down. Your going places and I'm well going to be hunting for the rest of my life. Don't you get how wrong it is for us to be together?"
"And leading me on is okay?" Sam's voice shook slightly, the tears over flowing down his cheeks.
"What happened to your German Slu-" Dean paused for a second before remembering her name "Hanna?"
"Dean, I don't want my first time to be with her."
"Sam your rushing things, you don't need to have your first time right now." Dean shook his head before pulling himself off the bed. Sitting down as far from Sam as possible on the couch Dean forced a small smile. "Look, I'm sure when we move to the next down you'll find some cute girl or um boy, and that will be your first love."
"Dean the spot is already taken by you, you are my first love. It doesn't matter if you want it or not" More tears spilled from the hazel eyes refusing to look over at his brother.
"It has nothing to do with what I want, this is about what we need to do. It is for the best if we forget this happened." Dean's heart clenched and he felt his own tears welling up, knowing he had to protect Sam, he willed them away.
"Do you want me Dean?" His voice was quiet, hardly breaking through the air. Pain and fear echoing in his words wake.
"I…I'll always want you Sammy." The words would always be true, Sam was his everything, just as much his first love as he was Sam's.
"Can't you admit you love me too?" Sam's eyes finally lifted to look at Dean, pain and suffering hanging in the air.
"I love you, I tell you that everyday." Dean smiled, attempting to lighten the situation, seeking escape.
"Tell me you're in love with me." There was no question in his tone, only a simple demand.
"I'm in love with you." The words spilled from Dean's mouth, instantly he needed his brother, needed the warmth and safety of his embrace.
Sam pushed from the couch, hurling his body onto his brother. Placing wet, sloppy kisses on Dean's face until at last their lips collided. The pain dulled with each tangle and twist of their tongues. Sam knew that Dean wouldn't just be his first love, but his only love.