Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.
Title: Measurements
Timeline: Post Mockingjay – Spoilers Ahead
Summary: Was meant to be a short drabble, but it took off with me a little bit. Posting it anyway. A little fluff for those who lamented its nonexistence in Mockingjay, while also having a bit of substance and aftermath exploration
The question escapes him on some idle evening, his hands in her hair in front of the fire, his eyes caught by the dancing shadows on the wall. It's a question that's been eating at him, a petty question, a stupid question, a question to which he already possesses the answer, an answer which is comprised of neither relevance nor importance.
"Do you miss Gale?" he asks, and regrets it immediately.
She answers readily; Katniss is a lot of things, but hesitant isn't one of them. Her voice is steady and sure, and when he looks down, her gaze is clear. "Yes."
He is already making excuses in his head, trying to make the situation okay. Asking if she misses Gale is like asking if she misses Prim, or her father, her mother, Cinna. It's an answer that doesn't matter; it's an answer that doesn't actually reveal anything. He looks away, back to the fire, ready to change the subject, when she speaks again, in a completely different tone, one that sounds strange in her voice.
"But not as much as I would have missed you," she says, and the deep breath she inhales afterward reminds him how difficult this type of conversation is for someone like Katniss, how much of a struggle it is for her to open up this way. He starts to feel a stirring of relief, a reassurance that he wasn't merely an option of convenience or a consolation prize, a belief that she would have chosen me anyway, when she speaks again.
Her voice has grown even smaller, and though she's still looking up at him, her eyes are unfocused, as though her mind has traveled far from the room.
"Not as much as I missed you when you were right there next to me."
It is the first time the horrible time in District Thirteen has been addressed, the first time she's revealed how badly his hijacking damaged her. He had lost memories, their relationship had lost its innocence and naivety, but she had lost him. He's often thought about the reverse situation. What could Snow have done to break him from afar? The man had known how to pick his weapons, had understood that there were fates worse than death.
He speaks slowly, wanting to get it right. "You know, Dr. Aurelius told me it's a miracle I came back to be so normal after…everything. If you can call it normal."
The corners of her mouth rise into a slight smile. "It's because you're one of the strongest people I know."
He lifts his arm and flexes, prompting a real smile from her, and then pulls her closer. "See, I thought about why…and I think it's because Snow couldn't understand how much I love you."
It is the first time he's said it off-camera, the first memory they will have of it where its authenticity cannot be called into question. Real or not real? he finds himself asking silently.
She presses her lips together, averting her eyes, and he thinks she is struggling to say it back, but it's okay, he doesn't need to hear the words, they'll come eventually and he knows how she feels even if she can't voice it, but Katniss Everdeen has always managed to surprise him, for good or bad.
"Don't ever leave me again," she says, in a desperate kind of voice, a weak voice, almost pleading, so uncharacteristic of her, and when she looks up at him again, her body tense, her eyes are practically begging for reassurance.
He smoothes a hand over her hair, reminded of the time she asked him to stay and he responded the only way he knew how. He considers the request. Leave her? How could he?
"Never."