Disclaimer: Still own absolutely nothing
A/N: So I lied. This chapter isn't about Paris, if you want to blame some one blame Lealfaithful! I looked through some of my older reviews and she asked me to do a chapter to the song "The Way I Loved You, " a song I'd never heard of. So I listened to it once and was amazed at how much it fit Tony and Ziva, the second time I listened to it an idea was forming and the third time I listened to it I knew that I was doomed
So this chapter is dedicated to Lealfaithful for finding what might be my new favorite Taylor Swift song! LOL once again if you guys have some suggestions for songs, be my guest, I might just find inspiriation!
PS: I updated this story 2 days after White Horse! I'm so proud of myself!
Chapter 6: The Way I Loved You
Since their talk in the men's room the day before Tony had been unusually quiet about Ziva's taste in music. She was grateful that he wasn't pestering her anymore about it, breaking down like that in front of him had been hard, at the same time she could see that there was more respect and understanding in his eyes.
A part of her felt relieved that she'd finally let Tony know how much her father and Michael had hurt her. She wasn't a very open person so telling anyone about her mistakes was not easy, but telling Tony was something she thought was impossible. But after a while of Tony not speaking to her, Ziva began to worry. Had she gone too far? Why wouldn't he talk to her?
It was beginning to frustrate her; she just couldn't take sitting at her desk watching Tony work without knowing why he wasn't being as talkative as usual. Fed up, she left her paperwork and went down to spend a few minutes with Abby.
As soon as she walked in Abby exclaimed, "Uh oh, what's wrong?"
Ziva looked up confused, "Why do you assume something is wrong?"
"Because you have that sad face that only happens when you're upset about something." Abby smiled her trademark bright smile and handed Ziva her caf-pow, "Here, this will help."
Ziva laughed softly, "Well it cannot hurt," and she took a sip.
Abby pushed a couple of buttons on her computer, letting the evidence run through the database, "Alright, I'm all yours, tell me what's wrong."
She looked down at the large drink in her hand before setting it aside, "Tony had a break-up yesterday over the music I listen to."
"You mean Tony had a break-down over Taylor Swift and I actually heard about that," Abby chirped, "Johnny from upstairs saw the whole thing…Tony is really having a hard time with this isn't he?"
"Well he is frustrated that I do not want to share personal details of my life with him," Ziva explained, rolling her eyes, "Only Tony would be bothered by me not sharing my secrets."
Abby chuckled, "I doubt it is secrets that bother him so much as not knowing who your mystery man is." Her green eyes flashed up to Ziva's slyly, "Any chance you'll be willing to tell me?" Ziva smiled but her face was guarded and Abby already knew the answer, "It was worth a shot."
Ziva shook her head, "It does not matter, yesterday I spoke to Tony about his obsession and I agreed to tell him about one of the songs and why it means so much to me." Ziva looked down at the floor and then back up to Abby, "I told him about how much my father and Michael hurt me."
Abby looked surprised by that statement but smiled again, "That's a good thing Ziva, out of everyone Tony was the one you really needed to talk to about that…considering you held a gun to him in Israel."
"Yes thank you for reminding me of that," Ziva replied a little upset.
"Sorry," her friend replied, "but it is true, he really needed to know why you were so angry and everything you went through afterwards."
"Yes but since then he seems uncomfortable around me," she explained, "I'm beginning to wonder if I made a mistake in telling him."
Abby studied Ziva for a moment, "Did you tell him anything…scary or crazy?"
Ziva shook her head, "I told him as much as I told you."
"Well then the best way for you to find out why Tony is acting so strange is to ask him."
"And how should I do that?"
Abby grinned, "Do what Gibbs does…use the elevator."
Tony was ready to go home, he had a bag of popcorn waiting and a whole season of Magnum P.I. still needing to be watched. He was already relishing the thought of watching Tom Selleck get out of what ever scrape he'd gotten into next when the elevator doors opened and he stepped in.
And a blur that looked a lot like Ziva rushed in after him.
Tony looked from the now closed doors then to his partner and back again, she stopped the elevator just as he said, "You move really fast."
But Ziva was all business, "We need to talk."
"Ah so that explains your use of super speed Wonder Woman."
She looked at him seriously, "Tony, tell me why you will not speak to me."
"Well I'm speaking to you right now."
Now she gave him her death glare, "Ever since we talked in the bathroom you have barely said one word to me that did not involve work. I want to know what is wrong."
Tony sighed, "Nothing…I'm fine."
Ziva shook her head exasperated and started the elevator, "I never should have told you about my father and Michael."
Now Tony was the one that reached over and stopped the elevator, "Why would you say that?"
She turned to look at him again, "Obviously it was not what you wanted to hear. If it was then you would actually be talking to me instead of trying to avoid me."
"You think I'm upset that you told me about your family?" Tony asked confused and a little hurt, "Ziva I…it means a lot that you put that kind of trust in me."
"Then why are you so unhappy?!"
"I just…" Tony began but cut off; he looked away for a moment as if he didn't want to meet her gaze. Finally he looked back at her and she saw anger in his eyes, "Its Michael isn't it?"
"What?" She looked genuinely confused…it killed him, it really did.
"The guy that you think about when you listen to those songs…it's Michael." He looked away again, "I get it, the guy meant a lot to you..."
"Tony…"
"But he wasn't a good guy Ziva," Tony continued, "he wasn't right for you and you deserved better than him…"
"Tony…"
"I think that you should find someone else, someone that isn't so creepy and have this almost evil complex, someone who…"
"Tony!" Ziva practically shouted to get his attention, "It is not Michael."
Tony blinked a couple of times in surprise, "He isn't?"
Now she smiled a little, "No Tony, you are right. Michael was not right for me and I think I knew that all along, I just did not want to believe that."
"But the guy you think about when you listen to Taylor Swift…he really isn't Michael."
"No," Ziva explained, "if I think about Michael at all…well he isn't the 'good man' in those songs," now she put a hand on his shoulder, "and it was nice of you worry about me."
Now Tony smiled, "Well I just want to make sure that this guy, whoever he is, is good enough for you."
She smiled again, this time with a sly look, "Someone like you I suppose?"
"Well I don't…" for some reason he just couldn't say no to that but he just couldn't figure out why…or was afraid to.
Ziva pressed the button to start the elevator again, "You can relax Tony. I have learned my lesson. I am not going to stay with a man because he just makes me 'comfortable' and seems to fit everyone else's idea of what is perfect for me."
That got Tony curious, "So who are you going to look for?"
She smiled, "Someone I am crazy in love with."
And she stepped out of the elevator and walked away.
Ziva turned the roast one more time before putting it back into the oven, another twenty minutes and it would be finished. The Greek salad with feta cheese was chilling in the refrigerator and the mashed potatoes with fresh green beans were simmering on the stove. Now she opened up a bottle of wine to let it breathe and set it on the counter.
She'd told Abby to come by around seven o'clock so she still had some time until then. Their girl's night dinners had been a tradition between the two of them for a long time. Starting when Ziva had been trying to win over the Goth scientist not long after she had joined NCIS, a couple of dinners between them had allowed Abby to realize that Ziva wasn't trying to replace Kate. After Somalia Ziva had been eager to restart this tradition in an attempt to move on from that time in her life.
With some time on her hands, Ziva decided to tackle a few of the remaining boxes left over from her move, these had been the latest to be shipped over from Israel. Ziva put on a CD in the player to have something to listen to while she unpacked; she smiled over the familiar lyrics to her favorite Taylor Swift song before getting to work. She carefully peeled off the tape and opened the flaps to see some miscellaneous items, some she recognized as things from her desk, including the letter opener Tony had given her for Hanukah after she'd tried to steal his again for the umpteenth time. She smiled as she lifted it out of box and put it on the table; she'd have to remember to bring that to NCIS tomorrow.
After taking some junk items that she would probably throw away she was surprised to see a familiar object. The picture of Michael she'd hidden in her desk.
She stopped unpacking and walked over to the couch with the picture in her hands. She looked over Michael's familiar features, remember when it had been taken and tried to remember why she had decided to photograph him in the first place. Michael had rapidly become a dark spot in her past she wanted to forget, at the same time she knew she'd had some good times with him.
He is sensible and
So incredible and
All my single friends are jealous
Ziva was startled by the song that began to play, she'd heard it before of course but it seemed different to her right now. How fitting was this song? She remembered hating it the first time that she heard it, not long after she had come back the America while still seeing Michael. The song had made her uncomfortable.
Because she related to it too much.
He says everything I
Need to hear and its like
I couldn't ask for anything better
Ziva tried to remember the good times she'd had with Michael. There was that time after her explosion in Morocco where he'd come to the hospital with her father to check on her…but she also remembered waking up and wishing that Gibbs, Tony, Abby, Ducky and McGee had been there instead.
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
She remembered spending time with him in Israel, having fun…at the same time she'd been missing someone else. The first date she'd gone with Michael she'd dreamed of Tony the night before.
And I feel perfectly fine
Now Ziva turned to her coffee table and picked up the framed picture of Tony and set it side by side with the photograph of Michael.
With Michael she had always been missing something, something she hadn't wanted to admit.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2 am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
She smiled at the picture of Tony, as she remembered every detail of that picture. She'd been trying to get a good picture of him at the Christmas party but every time she'd take a picture he'd make a funny face. It wasn't until she got so irritated that she'd threatened to kill him with a Christmas ornament that he'd finally settled down.
That was Tony, irritating and charming all at the same time.
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
Ziva heard footsteps in the hallway, that was when she saw what time it was. Quickly she abandoned both pictures to turn off the stereo and let Abby in.
But some songs just couldn't leave you alone.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
The dinner with Abby was as wonderful as the other times she'd spent alone with her friend. Ziva was getting desert and letting Abby finish her wine she her friend walked over to the sofa.
She didn't think anything of it until she heard Abby ask "Why do you have a picture of Michael here?"
Ziva looked up to see Abby holding the picture of Michael so that she could see it. Ziva almost dropped the trifle in her hands, she hadn't wanted Abby to see that, not when she didn't know what to do with that herself.
"I forgot to put that away," Ziva replied lamely and decided to be more truthful, "Actually I forgot to decide what to do with it, whether to keep it or just throw it out."
"Why would you want to throw it away?" Abby asked, "You loved him didn't you?"
Ziva shook her head, "I liked him." She dished out two servings of the dessert and took them over to Abby, along with her glass of wine.
Abby set the photograph down and took a sip of wine, "You never really talked about Michael…you can tell me you know?"
"I would rather forget about him."
"You can't do that, you need to deal with it first," Abby explained, "Otherwise it is just going to eat away at you and that isn't good."
"Alright," Ziva said, "how do I 'deal' with Michael?"
Abby shrugged, "Well…why did you like him in the first place."
Ziva was quiet for a moment as she thought about what drew her to Michael in the first place. He had handsome and charming true…but that wasn't why she'd started to see him. What had drawn her to him?
Safety.
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
"He was what everyone thought I needed," Ziva finally said, "He knew my family, was involved with Mossad, understood my past and respected me. My father liked him and approved of him, he did not try to push me or get me to open up and talk about anything I did not want to talk about."
"Sounds perfect," Abby mused although her voice hinted that she was suspicious, she knew the results and knew Michael had been far from perfect.
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
Ziva nodded, "It was easy to be with him, easy to understand him and easy to get along with him…that was the problem."
And I'm comfortable
"I was just satisfied with him," Ziva explained, "I was thinking about what everyone else thought would be good for me that I overlooked my own feelings."
"Feelings?" Abby asked, "You mean you had feelings for someone else?"
And there was the real reason she had turned to Michael, the reason Ziva was afraid to tell anyone about. How for a time she had given up on ever being with Tony and let herself forget the difference between liking someone and being in love.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2 am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Ziva smiled, "Michael was too much like me. I need someone who will not keep me 'comfortable' but keep me excited. Someone who drives me crazy but keeps things fun for me."
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
Abby nodded, "You are serious enough, you need someone who gets you to let your hair down."
"Yes, with Michael…sometimes it felt like I was just pretending, probably because I was pretending. He did not make me feel anything…I need someone who makes me feel like I am in love.
He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
Now Ziva eyes darted over to the picture of Tony on the side table. Tony was the one who drove her crazy with her antics, was the one that made her scream sometimes at his insipid comments and want to kill him when he was being particularly annoying.
He was also the one that made her laugh when she needed to. The one that she would never get bored with. The one who every moment she was with him she could feel every part of her alive and excited, like she was super charged with energy.
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake
And her foolishness might have ended that.
And now
Before she could tell Abby more, there was a knock on her door. Confused, Ziva got up to answer it only to be surprised to see Tony standing in her doorway.
"Tony…what are you…?"
Before she could get the whole sentence out he charged in, "Okay, I figured it's time I introduced you to some real classics of cinema so I brought over the first two Godfathers and The Princess Bride," then he looked over and saw an amused Abby sitting on the sofa, "Oh, hey Abby, I thought I saw your Hearse in the parking lot."
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2 am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
By now Ziva was glaring at him, "Abby and I were having a nice dinner…alone!"
Tony grinned, "But what is dinner without a movie?"
Abby looked over at the movies in his hand, "Actually…a movie sounds good to me," and she smiled up at Ziva.
Ziva let out a strangled groan, "Alright Tony, put on what ever you brought," she picked up her wine glass and the photograph of Michael to go to the kitchen.
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
Abby followed her to the kitchen, "You okay?"
Ziva threw up her hands, "I am fine…I am just so…! He can be so irritating and frustrating, he drives me absolutely crazy sometimes!" She looked up to see Abby smiling a sly smile, "What?"
"Isn't that what you said you needed?"
And that's the way I loved you
Ziva wasn't sure what to say to that and Abby didn't say anything more. She picked up her wine glass and went back to the bedroom. Leaving Ziva to look in on Tony setting things up…and eating her dessert.
She was right of course, Tony was all those things and more. He was always wonderfully boyish, intoxicatingly charming and most of all a loyal and true friend. The one person who understood her limits and how to make her feel better when she needed it.
The one person who made her feel alive.
Abby looked back at Ziva and winked as if she were in on the secret.
Ziva smiled, picked up the picture of Michael and set it down in the trash can and walked into the living room to enjoy Tony.
And feel alive.
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
A/N: So what did you think? Please review and I'm hoping to have the Paris chapter next...unless I find ANOTHER song that I have to feed my muse with! LOL