"And then he said 'just because my plan didn't work doesn't mean that I'm a failure'!" Snape waved his hands manically, accidentally sending spittle flying into Professor McGonagall's face. "He all but admitted it! He clearly wants to replace me as potion's master!"

"Replace you, Severus? Why, that's ridiculous! No one wants your job. Not a week goes by when some student doesn't just ingest poison or blow themselves up! No, we're all quite happy where we are." She sighed, looking quite annoyed.

"Well, even so that doesn't change the fact that he tried to kill me!" Snape was vehement.

McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"Really, Severus, if all you have for proof is his off-handed comment then you have shaky legs to stand on! I mean really! This "plan" he referred to is more likely his attempt to patch things up between you by responding to your request and getting rid of his gay painting." She gave him an exasperated look.

"You weren't there! It was sinister! His cheerful, sultry blue eyes were tainted with evil!" Snape emphasized this with violent hand gestures.

"Oh, Severus." She tsked him. "I remember the fuss you put up when Argus began working for the school and you were convinced that he was trying to sabotage your potions class by re-arranging your ingredients-"

"Which is why I now put them in locked cupboards!"

"-and then you were certain he was trying to poison you by leaving dead rats on your pillow." She gave him a stern look.

"There were dead rats, left by his stupid cat! And when I brought up my legitimate concern, he looked at me with the idiotic eyes I only see in the skulls of student's parents and said, 'She's leaving you prezzies? She likes you!' Then he started forcing me to attend meetings with the local chapter of the Cat Fancier's Society. Not to mention her birthday parties. Yes. Those only stopped when she was unfortunately and mysteriously stomped to death."

"What I'm trying to say, is that Stanwick was probably just trying to be a good neighbour and your paranoia is warping your perceptions!" She rolled her eyes.

Snape narrowed his eyes.

"Stanwick, is it? I didn't realize you two were so close." He hissed.

"I refer to all faculty by their first names! Except for Professor Binns, since he is no longer a person."

However, Snape didn't fail to notice the slight flush across her cheeks.

"Severus, I have papers to grade and I'd rather not stay up until dawn talking about your paranoid fantasies. Just take a step back and think about it. Please? It would be wonderful if you two could be friends. Because then you'd stop complaining to me about everything he says and does." She massaged her temples and, with a yawn, shuffled out of the staff room.

Professor Snape sat in pensive silence. He valued her judgments more than he would ever admit and he felt obligated to at least think about it. A bit.

I guess not everyone I've accused of trying to kill me or sabotage my life has actually been trying to do so. And it did seem like it was an accident that the fountain fell over. If I think about it, the pounding on his door probably knocked it over and, were it not for that duck painting, I would have died. In fact, perhaps the sinister feeling I got from him was a trick of the light. Perhaps I was too hasty in my conclusion. Snape did not like admitting he was wrong, which is why his admission came in inner monologue form.

His meditations were interrupted by someone entering the staff room. He turned to see Professor Snap in pair of tasteful crimson silk pajamas. It really went well with his complexion. The gold embroidered monogram on the breast pocket, however, was insufferable.

"Oh, hey there, Severus! Glad to see that you've recovered so quickly." Professor Snap flashed his brilliant white teeth in a friendly smile.

"Yes, well, with Poppy practically being a squib it's no small bloody miracle." Snape growled, looking into the empty bottom of his teacup.

"Ha ha! Nice lady, though." His blue eyes twinkled.

Professor Snap went over to the espresso dragon. He wrung the creature's neck three times to indicate that wanted a red eye, and the dragon laid a red egg that Professor Snap cracked over his cup. Espresso poured out of the egg into his mug, sending up curls of steam that framed his handsome face. The dragon sighed and looked suicidal.

"It's a living."

"Won't that keep you up all night? I mean, you don't have a regular work load. You just sit around in your office all day 'til some spoiled child comes to whine about their inane problems." Snape said snarkily, ignoring the plight of animal slave labour.

Snap's face suddenly became more serious.

"You know these children have more complicated problems than you give them credit for. And their lives aren't made any easier by dismissing their pain. The kind of attitude and disdain you give them makes me feel like I'm needed here. The other professors may seem kinder, but most of them are condescending and too old to care. I think it means a lot to them for someone like me to be able to guide them. Or in some cases, just to be there to listen to them."

"I'm sorry, I tuned you out after 'children'." Snape idly wiggled his pinky finger around in his ear.

"Well, I can see you're really busy here." Professor Snap gave Snape a sideways glance.

Snape was sitting in an old, frayed bathrobe holding an empty teacup. He was still wearing his sock garters and black leather loafers. It was clear he had been sitting there for some time.

"Yes. Very busy. Always busy." Snape muttered, looking off in a random direction.

"Good night, then, Severus. May a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest." Professor Snap turned, gave the coffee dragon a reassuring pat, and left the room.

"What kind of stupid country did that drivel come from?" Snape recognized a literary reference, but not what it was from. He held great disdain for muggle "literature".

Suddenly, there was an almost metallic screech. Excited to finally see robots mating, Snape whirled around. He was disappointed and slightly alarmed to see the coffee dragon going berserk and fighting against the slats of its bamboo cage. Giving another cry, it breathed foam onto the bars. The foam was much too hot and melted through the bars somehow. I guess it was magic.

Clearly beyond reason, the dragon leapt from the counter aiming straight for Snape's face! As it extended its biscotti claws, Snape knew that it was curtains for his boyish good looks.

Snape barely dove out of the way as the dragon blew scorching hot foam onto the leather sofa. Remembering how to fly, the accursed beast spread its wings and prepared to hunt Snape down like the animal it had been forced to live as.

"Mocha cappuccino!" The beast roared and laid an egg.

The egg, acting as a bomb, fell onto Snape's head. As it cracked the steaming hot liquid poured over his face, burning his skin.

"AGH! This really hurts!" Snape tried to show no emotion, as his face was covered in painful blisters.

"Caramel Macchiato with extra foam!" The dragon laid another egg on Snape's head, causing more second-degree burns.

Before the dragon could finish him off with scalding foam, Snape remembered the crowbar he had hidden under the couch for just such an emergency. You'd be surprised how many weapons he'd hidden around the school.

He dodged the blast of foam, and wound up with the crowbar. With a sickening crunch, the cold metal met with the dragon's scaly face.

"A FACE FOR A FACE!" Snape roared.

The dragon spiraled out of control and hit the wall with a wet-sounding smack. It fell to the ground in a bloody heap, laying several chai lattes in shock, and then expired.

A blessedly Professor Sprout-free infirmary visit later, Snape stormed up to Professor Snap's office with a vengeance. Not even bothering to knock since that asshole did no real work anyway, he burst into the room.

Professor Snap sat behind an impressive mahogany desk in his cushy, swiveling chair. There was a comfortable couch for students to sit on and a few friendly green houseplants. Snape gave a strangled snarl as he took note of the more than dozen stupid duck pond pictures. Their merry quacks gave the place a surreal and almost horrific feeling.

"Severus!" He quickly slammed shut a book he had been writing in. Snape was certain it was a girly diary.

"Stanwick." Snape narrowed his eyes.

"My! That's the first time you've called me by my first name!" Professor Snap looked delighted.

"And the last." Snape took out his wand.

"What are you doing?" Professor Snap looked blank.

"Challenging you to a duel, of course! It's a hell of a lot better than waiting around for you to attempt to kill me again!"

"What are you talking about?" Professor Snap looked very confused.

"The coffee dragon went berserk and tried to kill me mere hours ago!" Snape fumed.

"What? Are you al-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Snape roared. "I WILL NOT HAVE MY INTELLIGENCE INSULTED BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE! I found these Bohemian Dragon Mites on the dragon's corpse! They aren't from here. Someone had to have planted them because they can't survive in our crappy British climate! And you touched it right before you left!"

"I like to thank the beasts that give me the food I eat. Why, just last week I held a banquet for the house elves." Professor Snap looked like he could hardly believe what was happening.

"YOU'RE DISGUSTING!" Snape shuddered at the thought of touching house elves, what with their leathery grandma skin and their creepy giant eyes.

"Why are you really here?" Professor Snap put on his therapist face.

"I'm here because you are ruining my life and trying to steal my job!"

"So you're threatened by me?"

"Yes, I find attempted homicide very threatening!" Snape was practically quivering with rage.

"I don't think that's what this is about." Snape could only get out a confused and angry squeak before Professor Snap continued. "I think this about you. You've been churlish with me from the very moment I arrived. No matter what I've done, you've found fault with it. I've noticed that Dumbledore has quite a number of duck paintings, yet you've never said anything to him about it."

"I don't see how-"

"You're threatened by my very presence and I think I know why." He inclined his head, throwing it into dramatic shadows.

"YES! Because you're a mur-"

"It's about love."

"What?"

"Tell me, Severus, who do you love?"

Snape looked uncomfortable and his wand hand wavered.

"Is there anyone in your life? Any special lady?"

"There was one…but she died a long time ago. And was married to some asshole, besides." He bared his teeth.

"I see. So you were in love with a woman, who you had decided was perfect, and she was in love with and married to someone else and then died. And out of pining romanticism you're still clinging on to your loving memories." Professor Snap summarized it with so many words.

Snape said nothing and looked furious at being emotionally undressed.

"You know what that means? She's an excuse. If you cling onto an impossible ideal you'll never have to put yourself out there. The mere fact that you haven't found another woman in so much time leads me to suspect that you are in fact wrestling with accepting your own homosexuality. There is no such thing as unrequited love."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Snape looked aghast.

"Let me finish!" Powerless before Therapist Face, Snape went silent. "You would have moved on if you were truly attracted to women. In fact, I've noticed that you spend an awful lot of time with Minnerva, yet it never goes anywhere. I can see in your body language that you aren't attracted to her at all."

"That doesn't prove anything!"

"Not to mention Professor Sprout is practically throwing herself at you."

"Who would want that?"

"What I'm trying to say is that there are plenty of women here interested in you, but you ignore them all in the name of a love ideal that is and has been impossible to attain for decades. And instead, you've been obsessing over me."

"Don't flatter yourself! I'm not into fat chicks." Snape hissed.

"And this was before you had convinced yourself I was trying to kill you. You're blaming accidents and happenstance on me so that you have a non-homosexual reason to focus all of your attentions on me. I'm telling you, Severus, that it will be better for your health if you can accept your sexual orientation and let go of the insane delusions that you use to avoid it!" Professor Snap gave Snape a firm look that took him aback.

Snape paused for a moment and looked like he was seriously thinking.

"I guess I was wrong." He said slowly.

"That's right. Let it all out." Professor Snap smiled warmly.

"I liked it better when you were trying to kill me!" He spun on his heel and stormed out the door with his cloak billowing out behind him.

Professor Snap smiled coldly.

"There goes a confused man."