Professor Snap: Part III: The Ultimate Showdown
"I told you back in the funhouse Severus, it wasn't I who had cast the unforgivable curse." Professor Snap narrowed his eyes, glaring in intense hatred at the person before them.
"He was ruining my date." Professor McGonagall held her wand at the ready, standing atop two massive boars with apples in their mouths. "Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had a date? I GAVE UP CRUSTY OLD BAT STENCH FOR YOU!" She screamed.
"Date?" He recoiled in horror. "But you said we were going to the carnival to make sure that it was appropriate for children."
"Oh, come on! You can't be that naïve!" McGonagall seemed more than a little crazy.
"I assure you that I was being nothing but professional. I resent your implication that there was anything more afoot." He drew himself up to his full height in indignation.
"My God." McGonagall breathed softly. "You're so darling. You're perfect for me." She gave him the willies.
"What the hell, Minnerva? I thought we were friends! Bros before hos!" Snape's heart ached. "I was only following you on that date to protect you because I thought he was a murderer!" His mind reeled. It seemed too far beyond reality to take in.
Professor Snap put a comforting hand on Snape's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?" He gave Snape a deep, serious, concerned look.
Snape sneered at him and turned back to McGonagall without bothering to brush the hand away. "You tried to murder me for this?" He looked at her in disgust.
"It's too fucking late now, Severus! If you wanted me before, you had more than enough fucking chances to do the deed!" She shrieked, a tab bit of foaming spittle flying to land on the head of Draco Malfoy. The Slytherins, sitting about the table, were transfixed by the cussing, drama, and by McGonagall's granny panties.
"What?" Snape felt like he had been hit between the eyes. And then he saw it.
Snape was sitting in his potion's dungeon hunched over an ancient tome. Professor McGonagall skittishly knocked at the door.
"Yes?" Snape asked in irritation, not even looking up.
"Excuse me, Severus Snape?"
"Yes, that would be me." Snape mumbled, hoping whoever it was would go away.
"I'm Minnerva McGonagall. I know that you're new here so I thought I would introduce myself."
Snape looked up in irritation. Before him stood a tall brunette around forty years of age. Although dressed as a severe librarian, she had the healthy radiance of youth, an ample bosom, and the promise of so much more about her plump, red lips.
"Okay."
"I was thinking…would you perhaps like a tour of the school? You might have an easier time settling in if you are familiar with your surroundings." She offered with a friendly smile.
"This is the only place I need to know." Snape shot back, his healthy eyebrows knitting together.
With a toss of his greasy hair, he went back to reading his book.
"Alright then." She left.
Snape sat in the staff room by himself, blissfully alone. He sipped his acidic black coffee without any sugar or cream and reveled in the way it made his tongue curl in disgust. Truly it was the drink of champions.
"Oh, Severus. I didn't realize you'd be here so late!" McGonagall entered the room, announcing her presence.
She had seemed to coincidentally enter the room at this late hour most of the time these days. Somehow, the dumb bitch was always as surprised as ever.
What a moron. He thought to himself.
He looked up to see her standing in the doorway with her arms against the frame.
"Hello Severus." She raised a single eyebrow.
She was dressed in a silk crimson nightgown that hugged all of her curves and possessed a sinking neckline. Her hair was down and wavy, falling just below her shoulder blades.
God, can she ever *not* think of Gyffindor? You don't see me wearing Slytherin pajamas. Snape felt a swell of pride at his practically threadbare housecoat, stained undershirt, and ratty-looking boxers. He was truly a prince among thieves.
"Hello." He offered, then returned to sipping his coffee and staring at a wall.
He was vaguely confused and mostly irritated as she walked to get her coffee and then sat down next to him, swaying her hips from side to side.
"Minnerva, I'm not sure if this will embarrass you, but I need to ask you something." He turned to her.
"Yes?" She said in a low voice with a look of triumph in her eyes.
"Have you injured yourself? Or are you walking like that because you're a cripple?" She looked like she'd been slapped in the face.
"I'm a woman, Severus!" She stood up, a flash of anger in her eyes.
"Right. So a cripple then."
Snape was sitting in his room at a small, wobbly desk. Spread out before him was a wizarding crossword puzzle. He felt a sense of superiority from knowing that his vocabulary was at its best. He only had two more words to find: A four-letter word for a troll that has mated with a centaur and a six letter word that was a synonym for bezoars. Suddenly, the door to his room flew open and smashed into the stone wall. He whirled around to see Professor McGonagall framed in the doorway, her hair askew and a slightly off look on her face.
"I WANT YOU, SEVERUS!" She yelled, oozing desire.
"To make you a potion on the down and low? I've told everyone else and I'll tell you: buy it at Hogsmeade and stop treating me like an apothecary!" He slammed the door in her face (literally) with a flick of his wand.
"Of course! God if women aren't tricky and subtle as all hell." Snape was shocked to say the least as he suddenly saw these past events for what they were.
"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out! In fact, only an idiot would miss the obvious cues that I was giving you!" McGonagall fumed.
"Even I noticed them." Professor Snap gave Snape a sad look.
"Of course, it all makes sense now what with your constant obsession over Stanwick. I did my damndest to take him for myself, but I know when I'm beat. That's why I want to kill you!" She raised her wand for the finishing blow.
"Avada Kadavra!" There was a flash of green light.
Snape and Professor Snap dodged out of the way and then realized with a start that no spell had come anywhere near them. They looked up to see Professor Mcgonagall become strangely still and collapse lifelessly onto the twin hogs.
"That'll learn you, you damn hussy." Professor Sprout climbed to the top of the Slytherin table to stand atop of the boars and over Professor McGonagall's lifeless body. "I knew that you were trying to take my Snapey-baby away from me." She spat in contempt.
The Slytherins sat silently in terror, hoping that she wouldn't notice or kill them. Miraculously and par for the course, no one wondered why the rest of the faculty wasn't intervening to stop this madness.
"Oh great. It's you." Snape gave her a wary look. "Well, I guess you did stop my imminent demise, however this fact is balanced out by the fact that you also stopped her from killing him." He gestured towards Professor Snap.
"I don't care what the faculty says! No one could be more handsome, stunning, and perfect than you! You're the apple of my eye, the reason that I wake up each day to greet the morning sun. Why, without you, I would probably still be-"
Professor Snape, completely ignoring her, turned back to Professor Snap.
"Well I guess that attempt at the carnival wasn't you after all."
"It's okay, Severus, I can understand why you thought that and think it was very heroic of you to stalk me in the interests of protecting Minnerva." Professor Snap beamed, those beautiful laugh lines crinkling by his eyes.
"I wasn't apologizing!" Snape snapped. "Even before Minnerva went crazy about that date there were attempts on my life – two in fact – that still haven't been accounted for. And I think it was you and I'm about to show you what for!"
"I think that's quite enough, Severus." Madame Hooch had managed to quietly sneak up into the danger zone in the interests of cooling things off. "We all just need to calm down," she put a hand on Snape's shoulder, "because I'm sure that there's a logical explanation for-"
"YOU TOUCHED HIM! YOU DIRTY BITCH! AVADA KADAVRA!" Professor Sprout cut the exchange – and Madame Hooch's life – short.
Madame Hooch fell on top of the petrified Neville, whose trousers suddenly became wet. That was going to take some therapy for the young Longbottom.
"What are you doing?" Snape roared. "Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is for me? I'm the one who has to teach magical gym class if Rolanda is incapacitated! Do you have any idea how bad I am at magical gym?"
Professor Sprout's face flushed. "You're so manly when you're yelling." She said in a throaty voice.
"It must have been you!" Professor Snap suddenly pointed at her. "You were conveniently in that hallway to 'rescue' him! It's a classical stalker power-dynamic tactic: put the object of your obsession in a position where they are indebted to you."
"Gee, that would have been useful several weeks ago. Nice to see that your years of schooling, training, and observing human nature have primed you to notice people who are FUCKING INSANE!" Snape glared at him. "I could have told you when you first got here what a nut job she is!"
"Ouch." Professor Sprout looked hurt. "I was only trying to endanger your life a little so that I could save you and bring us closer together. We're meant to be lovers! I can feel it! The voices in my head and the plants in my greenhouse said so! You're the only one." She looked at him with adoration in her eyes. Adoration and the propensity for violence.
She raised her wand. "But I can see that you only have eyes for him. You watch him as closely as I watch you. You never check out the assets of other women, not even Madame Rosemerta!"
"You were there?" Snape was vaguely unsettled beyond being terrified for his life.
"But I saw you give Stanwick the once over the moment you two met. You don't even realize that you're doing it!" She clenched her teeth in rage. "How can you not know? How can you lead me on like that? So I think if I can't have you, then no one can!" She intoned darkly. "Avada Kad-AH!
Professor Snap threw himself bodily at Professor Sprout, falling on top of her and the pile of corpses as he fought to take her wand away. Snape, in the meantime, took this opportunity to hastily reclaim his wand.
"This could require diplomacy to stop the senseless loss of life!" Professor Snap called out to Snape as he fought to restrain the wildly thrashing Pomona Sprout.
"I prefer being blunt." Snape sneered at the chubby little Professor. "See you in hell, Pomona. Avada Kadavra!"
The jet of green light narrowly missed Professor Snap, whose eyes widened in terror, and hit Professor Sprout, who died on top of Professor McGonagall. Professor Snap stood up, climbing down from the pile of death, and stared at his hands numbly. He was an accessory to murder. He looked up at Snape.
"Was that really necessary?" He shouted. "Pomona's DEAD! And you almost hit ME!"
"Oh please. If I had wanted to hit you, you wouldn't be standing there asking your bleeding heart left-wing questions." Snape flicked a piece of ham off of his wand and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Does that mean that you no longer think that I was trying to kill you?" Professor Snap asked, somewhat wary and exasperated.
"It's become clear to me that you don't have the balls to murder someone." Professor Snape said airily. "It's not even that hard."
Professor Snap decided to ignore this.
"I think I owe you an apology. I was convinced that you were just crazy, but clearly you are so unpopular that everyone really was trying to kill you."
"The important thing is that now all this bullshit is over." Snape sighed, secretly gleeful at the prospect of returning to teaching potions and reaching his life's goal.
"Yes. Thank goodness for closure." Professor Snap beamed.
"I'll close you! Your eyes! FOREVER!" Professor Flitwick, with the whirl of a machete, landed gracefully atop the corpse stack in a brilliant show of foreshadowing.
Professor Snap and Snape looked at him for a long moment.
"What?"
"You'd better explain yourself, Filius "The Alliterated" Flitwick!" Snape put his wand at the ready. "Don't tell me you were in love with me, too."
"Hardly, Severus. Everyone seems to constantly overlook your hideous ugliness, but I can't! It haunts me every day. But that wasn't why I wanted to kill you, oh no. I've been murdering for years and what do I get for it? A SLAP ON THE WRIST! 'Don't kill the centaurs anymore.' 'Cats aren't for strangling, Filius.' 'I think that merman was already drowned when you got there.' I'm tired of not being recognized for my work! So I decided to do something that couldn't be ignored…or so I thought. You wound me, Severus. You didn't even remember my attempted homicide."
"I don't understand how you could have been responsible for the dragon. You weren't even there!""
"Oh, but I was. You see, I was hiding under the sofa. I was almost discovered, but then you got that crowbar and suddenly murdering you that evening didn't seem like such a good idea."
"Avada Kadavra!" Snape didn't give Flitwick the opportunity to attack first.
However, the tiny professor was nimble as ever. Leaping to the side, he held his wand at the ready and sheathed the machete in one smooth motion.
"Expelliarimus!" Snape's wand flew out of his hand. Both he and Professor Snap watched it arc away in horror. "I can see that words and genius are lost on you, Severus. You always were my inferior. In every way. Goodbye. Avada Kadavra!"
As the green light surged toward Snape, Professor Snap threw himself bodily against the half-naked professor, tackling him out of the way. The spell shot harmlessly into a house elf. As they fell to the floor, Professor Snap landed on top of Snape, causing a painful crunching sound in the rib area.
"Owww." Snape exhaled in pain.
Professor Snap carried through his momentum, rolled off of Snape through a summersault, and regained his footing while grabbing a large carving knife that had been destined for one of the ruined turkeys. The moment he regained his footing, Professor Snap whirled to face Professor Flitwick and threw the knife with deadly accuracy. Snape stared up Professor Snap as the light shined off of his greased muscles and was surprised by the hate-filled war gaze that he saw. Was this really the pansy psycho-analyst he had grown to loathe?
The knife plunged into Professor Flitwick's forehead between the eyes. His face took on a blank look and he staggered to the side, failing at keeping his balance.
"There. There's your recognition and then your retribution." Professor Snap hissed.
Professor Flitwick suddenly regained his footing and looked at the knife, crossing his eyes comically in the process.
"You jackass. You're going to pay!" He raised his wand again.
Cruch! Crunch! BASH BASH BASH! Crunch! Splurt! BASH!
Professor Flitwick toppled onto the corpse heap, his face barely recognizable. Professor Dumbledore stood smugly atop the death mound, arms folded and holding a bloody crowbar.
"I figured it best to end this nonsense." He explained nonchalantly.
"I'm glad someone did. Geez, Stanwick. You're such a Nancy boy that even when you kill someone they don't die." Snape laughed cruelly at the man who had saved his life.
"Professor Dumbledore? You're trying to kill him too?" Professor Snap deflated in defeat. He couldn't win against Dumbledore.
"Oh, Merlin no. I just wanted him out of the school so that I could conduct job interviews to replace him. That's why I allowed all of this to happen through my negligence."
"Replace me?" Snape finally noticed a familiar, roly-poly man sitting at his place at the head table. "BUTTERCAKES?"
"Heya, fella! Looks like I'm going to get your job." Bill waved in a friendly way.
"Well, what with the recent events I'd say there's more than enough jobs to go around. Severus, you shall have to teach quidditch from now on." Dumbledore muttered, clearly not impressed.
"Now hard feelings, eh?" Bill smiled.
"But why, Albus? I've taught here for years and I've always been loyal to you! I've been playing double agent, for god's sake! WHY?" Snape demanded to know why this most painful of all betrayals had happened.
"You were failing too many students and the parents were complaining. It was very annoying." Dumbledore gave Snape a stern look and he knew better than to complain.
"I can't teach quidditch. I hate outside." Snape looked horrified and like the heart had been ripped out of his chest.
"Severus, I am compassionate and, although you see it as a weakness, I see it as the strength to act with righteousness and to build bridges between hurting hearts." Professor Snap gave an impressive speech. Then he killed Bill Buttercakes with a well-placed carving fork to the throat.
Snape looked again at Professor Snap with the light of something there he hadn't seen before. As Bill Buttercake's screams died away, he turned to face Professor Snap.
"You saved me." Professor Snape was in shock and awe.
"I would do anything for you, Severus." Professor Snap put his hands on Snape's shoulders. "I loved you from the first moment I saw you. Sure, you're gross-looking and have a terrible personality, but I knew that it was protecting the tender soul of an angry and confused man. A beautiful man…on the inside."
"But why did you coldly smile and become threatening when I was almost murdered?" Snape sought to understand this gentle giant.
"I became emotionally paralyzed with worry and responded so inappropriately that I had to leave for fear of alienating you." He explained. "It broke my heart to have to run away when you needed me most!"
"Okay…that's enough." Snape was disgusted again, but the melting in his heart could not be undone.
"You guys are gross." Dumbledore laughed merrily as he rallied the house elves to clean everything up.
They stared into each other's eyes, completely in a world of their own. And truly they were, for the recent murders had made the children aware that the room was full of hungry thestrals. As the two embraced for the first time, the students of Hogwart's stared in horror at the frightening creatures they had never seen, but had been watching them shower.
Epilogue: Professor Several Snapes
Professor Snap sat in his office holding a sleeping toddler in his arms. He gazed down at it with the tenderness of a new father who has not yet gotten tired of his child's incessant crying. The child slept peacefully, the light shining through the window creating a soft glow around the scene.
Professor Snape stormed into the office like an angry storm cloud.
"I see you aren't working again." He walked in front of the window, making the room dark and cold.
The child shuddered and opened his eyes. Then a smile spread across his face.
"Daddy!"
"Yes, yes. Nice to see you too, Saul." Professor Snape appeared to eye the boy coldly, but his son and husband knew there was warmth inside of his icicle heart.
Suddenly, a sad and disturbed student burst into the room.
"Professor Snape!" He sniffled in distress.
"Yes?" Both men answered.
The student paused and shuddered at the memory of their unholy union. Mostly because of Snape's involvement. How they had managed to have a baby was beyond him. It must have been the magic of folic acid.
"I'll come back later." The student left, probably to go drown himself.
"You know, I think his distress is clearly a product of your duck paintings." Snape was saddened to see that they had increased by no less than thirty in the short time that they had been married.
"Saul likes them!" Stanwick replied bitingly.
"Yes, but his brothers Schuyler and Sigmund don't! And Sigmund hates his name." Snape added quickly.
"Stop projecting your feelings onto the children." Stanwick lightly scolded Snape, knowing that he was just being a bastard for jollies.
"I hate children." Snape crossed his arms.
"Ha ha ha! I love you too, darling." Stanwick laughed.
"I wuv you Daddy!" Saul beamed at his father.
"SHUT UP!" Snape glared at the two unconvincingly.
And they all erupted into end-of-movie laughter.
THE END