It's not a question of how, but why?
"I had a strange thought the other day." I said to Doctor Mackenzie on the day of our fifth session of the month. "I was wondering what would happen if the Animorphs had their own television show. I mean, I realize that it is completely irrelevant to what we've been discussing over these last few sessions…but I can't put it away from my mind."
"What brought about these thoughts?" Madison asked, looking up from her notepad as she sat at her usual seat on the brown leather chair across from where I was sitting. "Where you thinking about the war, or was it a person in particular?"
I knew who Madison meant by person in particular, she still wanted to know if I hated Jake Berenson. I had a feeling that bringing up Jake at our first session would probably result in constant questioning about my relationship with Jake and Rachel, and I now regret bringing up Jake in the first place. Madison tries to take a subtle approach and ease her way into a conversation about the former leader of the Animorphs, and most of the time she does so by bringing up Rachel, who I have only mentioned once or twice—albeit accidentally— during our little meetings. I realize that discussing Jake with Madison, of all people I know in the world, will most likely help ease the pain I've been feeling over the last few years, but for some reason I can't seem to bring myself to talk about him. So, whenever Madison tries to bring up Jake, in that oh so subtle way of hers, I just switch the topic to something else.
"No…I don't think it was a person, really." I said, thinking back to the day I had thought about the idea of an Animorphs television series. "I don't know what brought it up, really. I was flying around the city, and I saw some kids fooling around, flapping their arms as though they were wings and making odd noises that reminded me of birds, or Dracon Beam fire…maybe it was the way they were flapping their arms that did it."
"How would you feel if you had your life—your part in the war, your new life as a hawk—turned into a television series?" Madison asked, writing down what I had just said.
"Sounds like it could be interesting…if they did it right, that is." I said, thinking about the idea some more. "For some reason, I can't see a casting director hiring an ordinary actor to play Visser One…and the show would probably get picked up by a kids network…the whole thing would get played down so children could understand it."
"Who do you think they would get to play you?"
"Probably a local unknown," I answered. "They'd probably hire someone who was a half decent actor, but never really had what it takes to make it on the big screen."
"Who do you think they'd get to play Jake?" Madison asked, looking at me from behind her notepad.
There she goes again; bringing up Jake in that really clever and subtle way that bothered and humoured me. I had the sudden urge to roll my eyes, but I thought such a thing would be impolite; especially when the woman was only trying to help. I decided that perhaps it would be best if I discussed Jake…just the once; just so Madison would feel like she was doing her job.
"I don't know...probably someone with a more credibility; someone who has already been on some shows and a few television films…when I think of Jake on T.V I think of a clean cut, all American; the sort of person who has everything going for him."
"Is that what he was like as a teenager?" Madison asked. "Did he strike you then as the clean cut American type when you first met him?"
"I don't know what I thought about Jake when I first met him…I sort of had my head in the toilet at the time…"
Madison looked at me with her eyebrow raised, as though I had said something in gallard. "I wasn't the most popular kid back in high school…or even in elementary school for that matter." I added, shrugging as though such things never bothered me. "Every once in a while some jocks would give me some trouble…little things like throwing me into a locker, or giving me a swirly were some of their favourites…personally, I never understood why they did that."
"Jake saved you?" she asked.
"One could call it saving…sure." I shrugged. "Jake was a good guy then…he saw that someone was taking a joke too far, and noticed that nobody else was doing anything to stop them, and decided that he should do something about it…he was like Clark Kent…he wouldn't become superman for another week or so."
"That was when you met Elfangor?" she asked.
"After Jake got my head out of the toilet, I developed a sort of…hero worship would be the best way to describe it. I would sit next to him in the cafeteria, and I would walk by him down the halls…but I knew I didn't fit in with his sort…I knew he didn't really want me around. Really, the guy just felt sorry for me."
"What made you go with him to the construction site that night?" Madison asked. "From what you've told me, and from what I've read in Marco's autobiography, you didn't have much of a relationship with the others; you knew Marco was Jake's best friend, you were aware of the fact that Jake and Rachel were cousins, so what made you go?"
"Why do you think I went?" I asked.
"I have an idea of why you went." She said.
"And that idea is…"
"You tell me, Tobias." She smiled.
"It might have had something to do with Rachel…I don't know."
"Rachel…Jake's cousin." Madison said.
"Yes…Rachel." I repeated. "We've discussed her once or twice, I think."
"Yes, we have…briefly." Madison agreed. "We've discussed her relationship with Jake Berenson, and her death, but not much else."
"So why do you think I went?" I asked.
"You already said it a minute ago." She said. "You formed a hero worship for Jake Berenson after he helped you with your bully problem."
"You think I went for Jake?" I said incredulously.
"Yes, I do." She nodded. "I really do. I think you saw things in Jake that you couldn't see in yourself, and that's what drew you to Jake; those qualities associated with leaders and heroes, qualities that you lacked at the time. Maybe you felt as though some of those qualities would rub off on you if you spent more time with Jake."
"I really don't think that was why I went…" I said.
"You are almost positive that Rachel was the reason for going?"
"Well…yea…" I said, lamely. "It was either Rachel, or something else…fate, maybe."
"Do you believe in destiny?" Madison asked. She sounded sage-like as she asked the question, giving me the impression of a female Gandalf.
"Well it seems rather strange the way everything happened." I replied. "Elfangor comes to Earth after some odd years and stumbles upon his own son, and gives five kids the power to morph. Then, a few weeks later, we meet the brother of the same alien who turned out to be my biological father…it all seems too weird."
"So it would make sense that Jake would save you from your tormentors that day." Madison insisted. "Wouldn't you say that that moment had been a significant part of fate's design?"
"Sure…why not." I shrugged. "I just doubt that my reasons for going were influenced by Jake's charity towards me."
"If you want to feel that way, then that's fine too."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, defensively.
"It doesn't have to mean anything, Tobias." Madison smiled. "Not if you don't want it to. For all we know, the whole thing may have been a coincidence. Personally, I don't think so; I think Jake was a significant factor in your decision. You may say that fate had intended for the five of you to meet that day, and that's fine too. I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer."
"Rachel may have had something to do with it…" I mumbled.
"Yes… Rachel…Jakes cousin." She said for a third time.
"Why do you keep saying it like that?" I asked. "Rachel…Jake's cousin—what do you mean by that?"
"We're nearly out of time, unfortunately." Madison sighed. "I will see you next week."
I nodded and left the office of Doctor Madison R. Mackenzie, feeling slightly put off by what we had discussed in that short hour; she seemed to have been hinting at something, something that might have flown over my head. I tried to think of something else—the Animorphs television series idea that started the whole conversation in the first place—but I kept hearing Doctor Madison's voice in my head, saying the same few words all the time, Rachel…Jake's cousin…what did that mean? Yes, Rachel was Jake's cousin; I obviously knew that, in fact, that was how I described Rachel when I brought her up, unintentionally, to Madison a few weeks ago. And she seems confident that I agreed to go to the construction site out of some need of impressing Jake…at least, that's what I think she meant.
I left the building and took a breath of New York City air. I demorphed into my red-tailed hawk body and took flight, no longer worrying about whether or not a controller had been around the corner. That was the upside of living on post-war Earth; I could morph and demorph at will. Though, I haven't done much morphing since the war ended a few years ago; and I only ever morphed into my human form, and that was limited to the days when I needed to speak to Madison for our weekly sessions.
Flying was still my favourite thing to do nowadays, that much stayed the same; but there was always something that troubled me and that always put a damper on the whole experience. Most of the time, I would think of Rachel and the numerous times that we flew around California together; Rachel in her bald eagle morph, while I flew in my normal form. But it wasn't Rachel I had been thinking about as I rode the thermals above New York City, it had been Jake; but unlike any of the other times I had thought of Jake—cursing the day I ever met him, and thinking about murdering him in his sleep—I was thinking about the day we first met.
I forced myself to think of Rachel, and tried to forget that her cousin ever existed. I thought about all of those dates that Rachel planned for us while the war was still going on; flying over the city in the bodies of the largest birds of prey; eating Taco Bell and sipping coke from a straw in the food court while she looked at me; and the picnics that we had in my old meadow.
Thoughts of Jake pulling my head out of a toilet after forcing the bullies—who had been much larger than Jake at the time—to back off; thoughts of Jake looking at each of us the night Elfangor crashed his ship into the construction site; visiting Jake's house the day after that and telling him about my first morphing experience; visiting Jake the night I had overstayed the two-hour limit and became a nothlit; and every single night that we fought the Yeerks, side by side, never knowing if we would make it out to live another day.
I suddenly knew what Madison had been getting at in her office, and I did not like it. In fact, I had been so upset by what she said that I landed in an alleyway, morphed into my human form, and took all of my anger out on a dumpster with a rusted pole.