Better than Flying
"I've been having some odd dreams lately." I admitted, avoiding the eyes of Madison Mackenzie. It must have been our sixth or seventh session together—I've gotten so comfortable with the woman that I've lost count by that point. Normally, I feel comfortable with Dr. Madison, and I don't think I've ever held back when it came to speaking of my personal life; but for the past three or four days, I've been having strange dreams, all of them involving the same subject matter, the same people, and all ordered in the same sequence of bizarre events.
"What happens in these dreams?" Madison asked.
"It's the same dream all the time." I muttered. I couldn't bring myself to look into her eyes; the dream had been that embarrassing. "It always starts off innocent enough, but then…" I trailed off and looked out the window to the office.
"There aren't any boundaries between the two of us, Tobias." Madison said. "Nothing leaves this room. You may as well tell me."
"Well…at the beginning…" I said, nervously, clearing my throat. "I'm flying over a forest…but it's not me…not really."
"Elaborate on that, if you don't mind."
"Well…it's not like in most of my dreams, where everything is in a first person perspective…usually I'm a hawk in my dreams…but this time it was like I was…I can't explain it…like I was looking down on the Hawk…or up at it…I'm not sure." I sighed.
"So you aren't the Hawk." She said.
"I guess not…but it feels like I should be…I mean, it would make sense wouldn't it?"
"So what is this hawk doing in the dream?" Madison asked, looking up from her notepad.
"He's just flying around." I said. "He flies around in circles above a forest I have never seen before…one that is far too beautiful to ever be found on Earth: the trees are green…but a lively green; a shade of green that I have never seen on trees before…it seemed almost…alien to me…
"The sky was an odd colour as well." I continued. "I mean…it was blue…but it was like the trees; a shade darker, or a shake lighter than what one expect of the sky…it's weird…I can't really explain…"
"What about the Hawk?" she asked.
"The Hawk just flies around…like it doesn't know what to do next." I answered. "But it feels like it's flying like that—in circles, I mean—for hours…but when it finally does stop flying—once it changes its course and flies off into the horizon—it disappears…and I never see the hawk again for the duration of the dream…"
"Do you think that the hawk could be Rachel?" Madison asked.
"I doubt that very much." I said. "I was the only one in the group who acquired the red-tailed hawk as a morph…Rachel's was a bald eagle."
"Have you dreamt of Rachel recently…or any other of your team mates?"
"Actually, I haven't dreamt of any of my friends in a long while." I admitted. "The last time had been about a year ago…that wasn't too strange a dream: I relived the final battle of the war, and everyone had been there."
"And by everyone, whom do you refer?"
"I mean everyone." I replied. "The Animorphs, Jake's brother—he was a controller—Visser One—Marco's mother and Esplin 9466— David, the Animorph who betrayed us a few years before then, my mother Loren, and Elfangor." I left out the Ellimist, Crayak and the Drode. I wasn't sure if I was liable to mention the latter beings, and I was certain that, to explain the origins of the Ellimist or Crayak would have taken a great deal of time. "But the battle didn't end the same way…Rachel still died…but every last one of the Animorphs had been killed as well…except David…"
"Just out of curiosity," Madison said, coughing slightly, "Do you know what became of David?"
"I've heard some things about David taking Rachel hostage, but I'm not sure of what went down exactly…I'm pretty sure David's dead by now; rats only live three years…unless he got eaten by an owl or something."
"Would you like to get back to your recent dream?"
"Sure…" I nodded. "Well…once the hawk flies off into the horizon, the location of the dream changes…I'm sitting in my old room back at my uncle's house…only I don't have a body…I'm sort of…there…" I trailed off once again to gather my thoughts. "I have all my senses…and technically I can move around…but I can't see myself in the mirror…"
"May I ask you a question?" Madison asked. I nodded. "Do you like being human?"
"I'm not sure of how I'm supposed to answer that…" I replied.
"Are you comfortable right now, being in your human body?"
"I'm not having a panic attack, if that's what you mean."
"That isn't what I meant…but that's good to hear." Madison smiled. "When you're in your hawk body, how do you feel?"
"Normally…I feel…right…like I belong…"
"And how about now?"
"It feels different…" I said quietly. "When I was a kid, I had a feeling that I was…different, like I didn't fit in…and even when I was with the Animorphs, I didn't feel as though I belonged with my human friends…Rachel is an exception, and Ax wasn't human…"
"Maybe that's why you don't see your image in the dream." Madison suggested. "You may not consider yourself human, and perhaps you haven't thought of yourself that way in a long time."
"I can't deny that I am human, though." I said. "Sure, I could spend the rest of my days as a hawk, but I'm still human. Even with other hawks…I still get that sense that I don't belong…"
"Have you ever thought of going back to your other life?" she asked. "Have you ever had those moments where you wanted to over stay the time limit again?"
"Honestly, I haven't." I admitted. "Each day in my own skin was like a mission; every second I lay awake was an attempt at surviving life, not living life."
"Did Rachel ever try to make you switch back?"
"Many times, but I refused."
"And why is that?"
"I told her that I wanted to stay in the fight…becoming a nothlit meant that I wouldn't be able to help my team…"
"But…."
"But I just never had much interest in going back…" I said. "I loved her, and I would have done anything for her…but I couldn't go back."
"Is there anything else to this dream?" she asked.
"Yes…but it's embarrassing." I could feel myself blushing as Madison looked at me. I turned my attention to the window.
"Am I in the dream?" Madison asked.
"Nope." I said, honestly. "It has nothing to do with you…or Rachel, or J…anyone else…I think it's about me."
"Is it a sexual dream?" she smiled a bit as she said it.
"Not really…" I said. "I'm not having sex with anyone…but…" I sighed before continuing. There wasn't much time left in the session, and I knew Madison was a very busy person, and knowing Madison—having attended six or seven sessions with her—she would not rest until I have told her everything.
"The location of the dream changes again." I began. "I'm in another room…but I can't place this one…the walls are blue, but there's nothing else in the room; not furniture, no windows, no posters…just a full body mirror in the center…and I'm standing in front of the mirror…and I can see my reflection…"
"Who do you see?"
"A woman…"
"Is that woman Rachel?"
"No…"
"Is it Loren, your mother?"
"No, it's not Loren."
"Have you had a relationship with any other woman in your past?"
"Just one…a girl named Taylor…she was a controller, and she tortured me…she made me relive some of the most painful moments of my life, and even the pleasant memories—the few that I have—were painful; I laughed, cried, and screamed until I wanted to die…I know it was Taylor that I saw in the mirror…I just don't know why…"
"Alright, you're looking into this mirror, and Taylor's reflection is looking back at you…have you been thinking about this girl recently?"
"Not at all," I replied. "I haven't in years…though, the memories of my torture are still fresh…I haven't been thinking about her…"
"Is there something that you're leaving out about Taylor?"
"Yes…" I said, blushing. "I…I acquired her DNA, when we met for a second time."
"Have you ever morphed into Taylor?"
"Only once, and that had been in front of the real Taylor." I replied.
"When did you start having these dreams?" Madison asked.
"They started about two weeks ago…on Thursday, I think."
"After our last session." Madison said, counting the days back. "After we had discussed Jake."
"I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong." I said, somewhat defensively.
"What am I thinking?"
"You know…" I said, lamely. "You're trying to tell me that…that I might be interested in Jake."
"Well, are you?"
"Of course I don't!" I cried. "I'm not gay."
"I never said you were, Tobias."
"Be honest…you were implying it."
"Would it be so bad if you were, though?" Madison asked. "People view homosexuality as something to be ashamed of, something taboo. Society has given the definition of the ideal man…and the ideal woman; and that is Caucasian, straight, muscle-bound men, or the chesty and slender blonde woman. Tobias, very little of the population fits into this mould.
"You are familiar with Hitler and the Holocaust?" she asked. I nodded, wordlessly in response. "Of course you are. I don't need to tell you about the Aryan race. But you can see what I'm talking about, correct?"
"Yes, I get what you're saying." I said. "But I'm not Caucasian, or black, or brown; I'm not a man or a woman; I'm not sure that I can be straight or gay…not really. I'm a hawk."
"You're a human, Tobias." Madison argued. "You said yourself that you cannot deny that much."
"Yes…but I also said that I never thought myself to belong in my human body…"
"Why are you so afraid of your own humanity?" she asked. At that moment, the way her voice changed from calm and professional to that of someone who was genuinely concerned for my wellbeing, I stopped thinking of Madison as my psychiatrist and started to see her as a friend.
"I'm not afraid…I'm ashamed." I said. "And I have every reason to be."
"And that reason is?"
"Look at what man has done: two world wars, the genocide of an entire group of people, the Crusades, the Crucifixion of Christ, the Islamic Wars, murder, pillaging, total destruction…and all of this happened long before the Yeerks arrived…the human race has been fucked from the beginning…I no longer want to be a part of it."
"You are correct, there have been…incidences where humans have done some questionable things…but think about all the good we've done as well; our advances in technology, the Red Cross…think of humanitarians, and all of the work they've done…think of the missionaries, who visited other countries to better the lives of the poor…think of St. Francis of Assisi, who gave up his worldly possessions and lay with the poor…think of Jesus Christ himself…
"You say that you no longer see yourself as a human, for reasons that I can, for the most part, understand…and I can never understand the pain that you've been through—abandonment, the loss of a loved one, the discovery of your origins…you've obviously been through a lot…and I acknowledge that…
"When I was ten, my older sister was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder, and for the next few years she struggled to cling onto life; every day for Eleanor had been painful, and there were many days where she just lay on her bed for hours and hours…and when she finally did die, I thought that my world was over…that things couldn't possibly get any worse.
"Things did get worse, Tobias, and that's just the way life is." Madison said, sadly. "My grandmother was tragically killed in a car accident, my aunt died sometime after my grandmother, and I've lost a pet or two…sure, it may not nearly be as tragic as, say for example, the ten year old in Africa, currently battling starvation and aids, but misery is misery, no matter what form it takes.
"What I'm trying to get at, is that life is unfair." She said, smiling a bit. "It's an obvious and cruel fact, but nobody can deny it. If you know anything about Buddhism, then you would know of the life of Siddhartha Gautama—better known as the Buddha. Siddhartha was raised as a young prince, and his father did not want his boy to be exposed to the suffering of others…so he kept his son in the castle.
"One day, during a parade honouring the young prince, Siddhartha asked a servant to show him around the village outside the castle walls; and behind those walls, Siddhartha had seen poverty, sickness, and death—things that had been, up until then, completely foreign to him. The point of this story, Tobias, is that, no matter how many times we hide, we cannot escape the reality of suffering. It exists, and no castle wall of stone, or wings of feather, can change that fact.
"The Buddhists also believe that the current world we live in is a hallucination; that happiness is fleeting, and we can only reach enlightenment once we accept the fact that there is suffering in the world, as well as the impermanence of the world. The things that many of us believe to be most precious—our possessions, our homes, or family, and even our physical forms—are impermanent, and will disappear.
"But, in my opinion, the most interesting of all Buddhist thought would be notion of reincarnation, that we are trapped in a never-ending cycle of birth, death and rebirth; we are constantly being born into a different body—human, animal or insect, based on ones karma—at each birth. So why should we worry about our physical appearance if it's impermanent?"
"I'm not a Buddhist." I said. "I'm not much of anything…really."
"Does it matter what religious sect you're devoted to?" she asked. "You're an Animorph, Tobias; you have been changing into different animals and humans for years up until now, you should know, more than any other person on Earth that the physical doesn't matter; it no longer applies to you."
"I guess I see your point…" I muttered.
"Then what does it matter if you are gay or straight?" she demanded. "Why should you be concerned if you're dreaming about becoming a woman?" Madison shook her head at me, as though she was disappointed. "Do you understand the gift Elfangor has given you? I mean, sure, morphing was only an option for you and your friends when you needed to save the planet…but the war is over now, and you still have this incredible gift…a power that few people are given, even today…why not take advantage of it?
"If it helps, I've constantly wondered about what it was like to be a man." Madison laughed. "When I was fifteen, I went through a phase where I thought about women from time to time…and sure, I've experimented during my college years…but I see it as a part of growing older, and not something to be ashamed of…maybe you feel this way because you've missed out on the things most children your age experienced: sex, drugs…"
"…rock 'n' roll?" I interrupted.
"Will you listen?" She snapped. "I may not get the same opportunities that you've been given. You may have missed out on a lot as well. But you've had an experience that only four other humans could relate to. You've seen things that people like me can only dream about. And you have a gift that others would trade an entire arm for…so why not use it?
"So what are you suggesting I do?" I asked.
"Try spending some time in Taylor's body." She said. "Or, if you're still uncomfortable with that aspect of your sexuality, you could spend more time in your human body instead of morphing for these sessions, you could try going out as the human Tobias…take a trip to the mall…visit Cassie or Marco…write a book…see a movie…take up some sort of hobby.
"I'm sorry to say, but we're out of time…I look forward to seeing you next week. Hopefully, we'll have made a break through.
I did take Madison's words to heart.
That night I paid for a room at a hotel in the city—a block away from Madison's office building—and I morphed into Taylor. If only I could describe what I felt that night…I don't really have much to compare it to…but I can safely say that it was better than flying…