I've had this idea floating around in my head for weeks but have never had the chance to write it down. Finally I have, so tell me what you think at my attempt at humour :).
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Malcolm sat in the armoury, phase pistol in one hand, screwdriver in the other. This was the second time this week the phase pistol had malfunctioned and had to be repaired. The first time it had been repaired, the job had been done inadequately and during target practice, Malcolm had asked Ensign Dawes to step up and show the others how target practice was done. She had taken the badly repaired phase pistol without knowing and shot her first target. Unfortunately, the pistol backfired and hit her square in the chest. Luckily for her, and possibly Malcolm's career, it was set to stun. Malcolm had to dismiss his lesson for the rest of the class to take Ensign Dawes to sickbay. As Malcolm found that he had some spare time on his hands as he had sent his class away early, he figured he would get to repairing the faulty phase pistol before another accident was caused. He had a toolbox at his feet and many tools were set out along the bench he was sitting at as he worked tirelessly to get this phase pistol working again.
The familiar beep from the comm. system alerted Malcolm's attention and he lowered the pistol he was working on.
"Tucker to Reed," Trip's voice sounded from the mechanism and echoed throughout the walls of the armoury.
Malcolm rose from his spot on the bench, laying the phase pistol and screwdriver down behind him and went over to the far side of the room to receive Trip's message.
"Reed here," Malcolm replied upon reaching the comm. system, his arms folded over his chest in his usual manner.
"We need you up here on the bridge. Our weapons are bein' jammed by a hostile alien ship that we've jus' come across, that's why I'm up here. I could sure as hell use your help though," Trip spoke in a rather ticked off way, as if he'd been in the middle of something really important when he'd been called up to the bridge.
Well, it wasn't as if that phase pistol needed fixing right at that moment, Malcolm's handyman skills would just have to wait another hour or so.
"I'm on my way," he told Trip, and turned on his heel to leave.
The bridge wasn't that far from the armoury, he'd get there in no time and be able to help Trip disable the jam that was on their weapons. As he passed sickbay he saw Ensign Dawes sitting up on one of the beds, rubbing her head and groaning. Malcolm breathed out a heavy sigh of relief, at least she had only passed out and wasn't badly injured, it would not look good on his reputation if she was.
Suddenly, the Enterprise was jerked violently to one side, the lights in the corridor flickered for a moment then brightly lit back up. They must be under attack from that hostile alien ship Trip had mentioned earlier. Malcolm quickened his pace until he was running down the corridor to get to the bridge. He would be needed at the weapons station in case they were to retaliate.
When Malcolm entered the bridge, he found Hoshi trying her hardest to try and communicate with the species, but was regrettably failing miserably. Trip was by Malcolm's station, trying his hardest to get the weapons back online.
"How long will you be Trip?" Captain Archer asked him, looking at the alien ship through the re-enforced glass "I think that was just a warning shot, we won't be so lucky next time."
"A minute, two minutes at the most Captain," Malcolm interjected confidently as he began to help Trip on the task at hand.
Trip gave him a look as if to say 'when did you get so confident', but that look was wiped off his face as he saw how fast Malcolm was working and how easy he made it seem. Just as he'd said, in one minute exactly the weapons were back online. Malcolm stood at his station, Trip standing by him in case he needed assistance.
The alien ship shot at them again before they had time to do anything. T'pol was almost sent flying across her station but had gripped tight to the back of her chair to stop herself from falling over.
"Shields are at 54% Captain," T'pol noted, eyes fixed on the screen in front of her.
"Switching to Reed alert," Malcolm declared, pressing a few buttons at his station.
The whole room went silent as Malcolm realised what he had just said. Hoshi had stopped trying to translate the harsh alien language and instead looked over towards Malcolm, bewildered. T'pol had one eyebrow raised as she often did when trying to hide an emotion. Travis' hand loosened on the controls as he glanced over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of the mortified Malcolm. Captain Archer had spun around on his chair and just gave him one of them 'looks'. Trip was smiling, unable to contain his amusement, he broke out into laughter and clapped Malcolm hard on the back.
Malcolm coughed uncomfortably, his face flushing an abrupt shade of scarlet. Wishing the floor of the Enterprise would open up and swallow him whole, he tried to compose his sheer embarrassment by focusing on the situation with the alien ship.
"Excuse me, Tactical alert," Malcolm said in a voice smaller than he intended as the lights went down and weapons charged themselves up.
The atmosphere changed as everyone focused on this alien vessel. Hoshi managed to open a channel to communicate. The aliens were willing to speak, and Archer wanted to know why they had begun shooting at them for a reason unbeknownst to them.
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It had turned out that it was all a complete misunderstanding. The alien species had thought that the Enterprise was a hostile ship as they had never seen it before. Most unknown ships to them were seen as hostile as the species informed them that many ships get stolen from different species and are used as military vessels by one of the species' enemies. Malcolm informed this to a curious Ensign as he walked down a corridor towards the mass hall the next morning, as the Ensign wanted to know why they were being fired upon.
Malcolm took a breakfast tray from the far side of the room and picked himself through the many tables to sit next to Trip who had inconveniently seated himself right at the back of the room. As Malcolm sat down opposite his friend, he couldn't help but notice that many heads were turned in his direction, and a lot of low whisperings were going on around the room.
Malcolm sat and realised that Trip's grin was as wide as a Cheshire cat. This could only mean one thing. They knew. Everyone around him knew about his problematic choice of words that he had used the other night on the bridge. Travis and Hoshi walked passed their table with empty breakfast trays in their hands. Travis tripped over Malcolm's chair but steadied himself before he fell.
"Reed alert!" Hoshi hollered as Travis regained his balance, she looked over towards Malcolm "You should look as to where you position your chair in the future!"
The entire mess hall erupted into laughter, Trip laughing the loudest, trying his hardest not to fall of his chair. Everyone there now had their eyes on Malcolm, laughing hysterically, grinning madly as they knew what had happened.
It was in that moment, Malcolm realised that the entire crew of the Enterprise was never going to let him live this down.