Chapter 8
Altus Silva
How endless I feel, empty and void. I am truly nothing now, just space, just quiet. I love this quiet. Maybe I am home, maybe this is where I am supposed to be: In this dark nothing of water and space. It's cold though, it doesn't feel warm. Why do I remember something? At least, I think it's a memory. It echoes in my heart, the feeling of being comforted and secure, unseen and untouched, warm, always warm. What is this memory, this primal feeling? Why do just feel it and, not recall it. I can't breathe...I can't breathe. Am I drowning? Am I dying? Why I am I not scared? Maybe this is how I am getting home. I just want to go home, where I am safe. Take me home; take me back to that memory again.
I want to go home…
Aang thundered across the deck near the back of the ship, and Katara ran beside him. It was less thought and more action as they saw Tikaani's body bob in the wake of the ship like a tossed toy. Katara got into a loose stance and started to pull the water towards her. Aang began the same motion, following in tandem with Katara. Everyone held their breath as Katara and Aang pulled up a sphere of water with Tikaani suspended inside. Simultaneously, they eased the bubble onto the surface of the deck and it broke on the deck with a loud splash. Tikaani tumbled onto the metal deck, soaked to the bone. His pale blue tunic was transparent against his caramel brown skin. He looked cold and clammy, and his long black hair spread along the metal surface like seaweed.
Aang fell to his knees and flipped Tikaani face up. He checked Tikaani's pulse, but he could tell by his gurgling breaths that Tikaani's lungs were waterlogged. He still had a heartbeat, but it was getting weak. Aang made no apology as he raised his left hand over Tikaani's open mouth and began to make a pulling motion. Slowly he bent all the water out and flung it away. He rubbed Tikaani's chest in hopes to strengthen his heartbeat.
"C'mon Tikaani, C'mon just breathe." Katara was about to use water healing to revive him when Aang lifted his hand to stop her,
"Don't do, it won't help." Aang continued to massage Tikaani's chest, when Tikaani made a face and then let out a shriek. He screamed again before breaking into a sob. Aang let out a sigh of relief and everyone else stopped holding their breath. Sokka shook his head as if coming out of a trance and then picked up the shivering boy.
"I'll get him downstairs and warmed up. We can talk about what happened later." Sokka went downstairs with Tikaani in his arms with Toph following behind him. Katara looked at Aang with look that said: What just happened?
Cold...cold. Too cold. I want warmth, I want warmth, Momma, momma...I'm cold. I want you.
Tikaani was on another cot, layered with thick blankets and furs. Zuko joined Sokka and helped dry off Tikaani by evaporating all the water on his chest and torso. His limbs were dried off next, then his hair, which they tied back again. Now, Tikaani slept, still shivering under the blankets. Zuko and Sokka didn't know if Tikaani had attempted suicide, but they were going to find out.
Aang found them in the galley making a hot soup for Tikaani, and grabbed a loaf of bread
"Is he OK now?" Aang asked. Sokka nodded,
"Do you know...why he did it?" Sokka asked, tasting the soup. Aang shrugged,
"Toph thinks he just wanted to go home so badly that he tried to swim back. I don't think he wanted to die. I think Toph has the right idea. Tikaani wants to go home." Zuko added some curry powder to the soup and stirred while Sokka's back was turned.
"Let him then. Why don't we just board Appa and go to Ba Sing Se? Have the captain take him back. So what if he becomes a ward of the government. It's not our problem." Aang frowned and crossed his arms and tilted his head.
"You know, not everyone can dump off their responsibilities like you can, Zuko. I can't just throw him away. I promised that I wouldn't abandon him, and I'm keeping my word." Zuko was quiet and then handed Aang a bowl.
"Fine, then. Give this to him, and when he wakes up, make sure he eats slowly."
"Aang carried the soup down the hall, where Toph was waiting outside of Tikaani's door.
"Spunky is still shaking like a shaved poodle-monkey. I'll give him the soup." Toph sniffed the soup and wrinkled her nose. "Good gods how much curry is in this thing?" Aang shrugged and said that Zuko dumped some in. Toph rolled her eyes and entered the room.
"Go have some naked time with Katara, you two need to relax. Being all worried and stressed out isn't going to help. I know, I know. He nearly drowned, but the kid is fine. I'll keep an eye on him." Aang was going to say something when Toph closed the door.
Aang walked down to his own bedroom where Katara was laying on the bed. Aang took off his outer robes and lay beside her. He kissed her cheeks and held her close. Not sure if he should follower advice but decided that a distraction, wasn't a bad idea.
"Mmm, maybe I should take Toph's advice and relax. She's right, being stressed out won't benefit Tikaani, and the worst is over." Aang kissed Katara's neck and she groaned.
"What if something happens, like he gets the Coughing Sickness?" Aang took off his under robes and nipped at her neck.
"Well...fortunately you can heal that. Tikaani is fine." Katara gasped as Aang bit her neck lightly.
"Aang...do you think this is appropriate?" She asked, her eyes sliding shut. Aang smiled and as he kissed her back.
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No...please. It's OK. I guess Toph is right."
Aang blew out the candles with a flick of his hand.
Toph set the soup on the table as she sat at the foot of Tikaani's bed. She had already grilled the sailors and guards over what had happened.
Why didn't you stop him!?
He...just jumped, he shouted 'I want to go home' and leapt off the railing.
Toph assumed that Tikaani just wanted to swim, good in theory, but not so much in practice. She leaned over to brush the hair out of his eyes. It's not even been a week and a lot had already happened to Tikaani. She got up and let Tikaani sleep, closing the door behind her.
What is this feeling? This distant echo, I am falling. Falling though the cold. I hear voices, I hear singing. I can't remember any of it, this is bad. I feel warmth, I feel arms holding me. I feel kisses, and caresses. I'm wanted. I am needed, and I am here. Don't let me go, I don't want to be alone. Don't leave me in the cold.
Tikaani woke up groaning. He gasped and grunted as his once water-filled lungs expanded with much needed air. Stretching, he found that he was naked except for a loin-cloth, and his clothes were folded and drying. He saw the still warm soup and took a spoonful only to make a face and spit it out. It was too strong and felt hot. He grunted again and laid back down on the pelts.
Everyone is probably mad at me. I am always bad, I don't believe Aang. But I know he isn't lying, and that hurts more than any lie. Auntie doesn't want me anymore. She is too sick, Aang said. Now I don't know what to do. I can't go home he says. Why can't Rahmet take me? Why? Nobody cares.
Tikaani noticed someone walked in. It was Iroh, and he had some incense and tea.
"You just woke up, I see. You slept for few hours. The incense is herbal blend, to help you stay calm, and I brought some tea to help make sure you don't get ill. Do you want to talk?" Iroh asked as he lit the incense and put the wooden holder on the desk. He asked one of the passing guards to take the uneaten soup. Iroh put a cup of the eucalyptus tea beside Tikaani.
"The koala-leopards eat eucalyptus, too. The tea is good for colds and headaches. I added some white tea and chamomile to it too. You should feel better in a few more hours." Iroh advised, getting a cup himself. Tikaani drank it slowly, letting the minty, menthol feeling slide down his throat. He blinked, rubbing his eyes and putting the cup down. He rocked back and forth, hugging his knees and remained silent for a few minutes.
"I'm sorry. I made a bad choice. I'm sorry." Tikaani apologized. Iroh accepted it and patted his back.
"We all make foolish choices went we're upset. You should thank Aang and Katara, they are the ones who saved your life." Tikaani didn't say anything, but drank from his cup. He made no eye contact and laid back down. "I don't know why, but it was just it was an impulsive decision, that you're obviously guilty of. Tikaani, can you look at me?" Tikaani made no effort to roll over as he flapped his hands and jiggled his foot. Iroh gently rolled him back over and made him look at him.
"Tikaani, look at me. You need to tell me something." Iroh implored, stilling Tikaani's constantly moving hands with his own. "Tikaani, tell me what you heard when you were lost. Can you recall that?"
Tikaani made eye contact for a minute. He worried his lip as he tried to think about the request.
I should tell him. I don't want to talk to Aang, he made me mad. Toph is far away, and...this man...Iroh. He wants me to tell him what I heard The memory of being in a box flashed by, as well as the arguing. He made faces as he started to cry. Verbatim, he recited the conversation. Iroh pulled his hands away as Tikaani expressionlessly repeated everything. Iroh got the names and the reason. He smiled warmly at Tikaani,
"I am very proud, you are a very big help. Now I will tell Aang what you told me. I'll make sure you will get a reward for this. Thank you, Tikaani." Iroh turned to the steel door. "I will see you later, sleep well." Iroh closed the door, his eyes still on the Tikaani, who was flapping his hands once more.
Iroh stopped at Aang's and Katara's door and knocked briskly. He heard some giggling and the sound of rustling cloth. Aang opened the door just a crack, and Iroh could tell he wasn't clothed.
"Sorry to disturb from your earthly delights Avatar, but we had a breakthrough: Tikaani told me the names of the men we're looking for. Get dressed and I'll tell you everything." Aang blinked for a second before shutting the door. There were whispers and the sound of a chest opening and shutting. Both Aang and Katara were outside in moments, both wearing robes.
"Let's go to the dining room. Katara, find Zuko, Toph, and Sokka."
Minutes later, everyone was at the table again. Sokka had his hair down and looked he was in the middle of getting ready for a bath. He threw his loofah on the table and sat down, frowning. Zuko sat next to him, followed by Toph.
"Spunky told you what happened?" Toph sounded excited as she propped her feet up. Aang glanced at Iroh before sitting down.
"What did Tikaani say, Iroh? How did you get him to tell you what he heard?" Katara was the last to join the group as Iroh crossed his arms.
"I didn't have to do anything, he told me on his own. It took a little bit of time, but, according to what he remembers, the men we're looking for are Aningan and Itigiaq. They are after the throne or, at least, Aningan is. They are going to Ba Sing Se to find a man named Tulok. This is break we need, Avatar. Now, we must find these men in Ba Sing Se. We have no time to waste." Iroh said, his voice firm with resolve. Aang sighed and then lifted a questioning eyebrow.
"Right, we should fly Appa to Ba Sing Se, it's faster than the boat, but what about Tikaani? I mean, he'll freak out at Appa, but I don't want to leave him behind." Aang said, concerned. Sokka waved his handed and looked bit perturbed.
"So what? Either he rides on Appa or he's gonna go back to the North, and since you have better morals than to abandon a mentally challenged boy to the government, he's riding on Appa."
Aang sighed, it was going to be a chore to desensitize Tikaani to Appa, but it was better than any other scenarios. Aang was still for a moment before he broke in to a grin. They knew who they were looking for and there finally seemed to be ray of hope in the storm. He giggled and threw up his arms.
"Well, we better get going tomorrow. Tikaani will like Ba Sing Se. Iroh can definitely give him a tour while we hunt down Aningan."
Katara smiled after seeing the twelve year old she fell in love with burst through under that grown up exterior. She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "We should thank him for helping us, he deserves a reward." She said, and Iroh nodded,
"He does, and yes, I will watch over him. He should be kept busy. Once we have the men in custody we can have Tikaani identify them and then the mission is over. Then we can worry about Tikaani's future. For now, I say we bring out the good wine and celebrate." Sokka was all for that as well as Toph, but Aang got up with Katara and headed toward Tikaani's room.
Tikaani was under his desk, rocking and covering his ears. Shivering, as the ship wasn't as warm as he needed. Tikaani finished his tea and took off his loin-cloth. He was still as Aang and Katara entered the room. Aang got on his knees, watching as Tikaani pressed himself against the wall fearfully. Katara stood by his bed. Aang smiled and reached out.
"Tikaani, we're so proud of you. You're a hero. We can find the bad men that hurt you and Arnook. Tikaani, please forgive me. I am so sorry for hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you and I am sorry. C'mon we'll get you very special treat." Tikaani was still panting hard at Aang, before bursting into tears. He launched himself at Aang, sobbing and clinging to his robes. Aang just sat still, not knowing why or how. Katara approached them both carefully. Tikaani shook against Aang before sobbing out:
"Don't want to be alone. I'm bad, I'm bad I'm sorry. Please stay, OK?" Aang rubbed his back and tried to be reassuring. Aang assumed that he had a nightmare or something spooked him, or maybe he had finally accepted he truth.
"C'mon let's stay in my room, you can sleep with us, alright?" Aang coaxed, helping him out from under the desk, but Tikaani just whimpered and refused to get out.
"Do you want us to say here with you?" Aang asked, trying to decipher why Tikaani was being so clingy. Tikaani nodded and lay down, covering his long face with hands. Katara gathered some of the furs and made a bed by the desk. She lay down with him and Aang, and wrapped an arm around her boyfriend.
"Do you know what's wrong?" she asked as Aang stared up at the ceiling. He had no idea what was wrong, and he could only assume that Tikaani was frightened or emotional about something. Tikaani was flapping his hands again as he lay down, falling asleep again. Katara asked again,
"Aang, what's on your mind?" She looked over at Tikaani, who had finally stopped jiggling his legs and flapping his hands.
"A lot really, I don't know what frightened him, or how I'm gonna get him used to Appa. I think I am going to introduce Tikaani to Appa slowly. We don't have a lot of time, I know, but I don't want to frighten Tikaani by throwing him up there." Katara kissed Aang,
"Don't worry, we'll do something fun with Tikaani tomorrow." She fell asleep curled up beside Aang as Tikaani slept, back facing them both.
Morning came unannounced as Tikaani walked over to the pot in the corner to pee, then looked to find his trousers. He didn't sleep at all and seemed to be in state of half-awake. He slipped his pants on and waited for the morning ritual of Katara waking up and Aang taking him to breakfast. However, nothing is ever permanent. Aang took him, not to breakfast, but to a holding area with a basket of fruit in his hands. Tikaani was apprehensive about it, and repeated words to reassure himself. This behavior did not go unnoticed by Aang as he approached Appa sleeping in an open cell.
"Morning buddy! I brought a new friend! Appa, this is Tikaani. Tikaani this is my best friend, Appa." Aang said, cheerfully feeding a moonpeach to Appa. Tikaani swayed side to side and watched the beast eat.
"He...he nice? He is nice, right?" Tikaani asked, pointing. Aang took his hand and gave him an apple-melon.
"Go feed him and see for yourself." encouraged Aang as Tikaani held out the melon to Appa. The sky bison lapped it up and then licked Tikaani in thanks. Tikaani stiffened for a moment before giggling.
"OkK He's nice. He's good." Tikaani looked at Aang up for reassurance, Aang took his hand and gave him another piece of fruit.
"Yeah, he is nice; we'll be riding on him today." Tikaani heard that and fed Appa.
"Oh...OK..." He didn't seem to understand it as he continued to feed Appa. Aang took his hand again and had him pet Appa.
"He's big, but very friendly. He won't hurt you...OK?" Aang assured Tikaani as he swayed side to side. Aang could see he was apprehensive about Appa. He took Tikaani's hand and led him to Appa's side.
"Pet him, and I'll help you get on top in a minute, but right now, I want you to get used to Appa."
Tikaani didn't like the idea of getting on top of Appa, but petting his soft fur didn't seem so bad. Aang sat on a barrel and watched as Tikaani became more and more desensitized to Appa, he wasn't swaying or chewing on his wrist. Bouncing on his toes, Tikaani continued to pet and stroke Appa, but finally he turned around and walked back up on deck.
"OK, we're done now." Tikaani declared, Aang sighed and followed him up.
Aang was packing what he needed as Sokka got his space sword and boomerang (discovered by the locals about a year ago) and, of course, seal jerky to take along. Zuko and Toph were ready to go, as was Katara. Iroh met them on the deck as Appa was finally released and waiting, grumbling quietly.
"OK, let's get this show on the road." Sokka announced, climbing on top of Appa, Katara joined him, but Toph waited for one more passenger. Tikaani was hiding downstairs, hesitant about being on top of Appa.
"Hold on for a second, we're missing Spunky. Let me go downstairs and see if he's in his room." Toph headed below deck with Sokka calling out,
"Hurry and find him! We don't have much time!"
Toph ran down the metal halls and walked into Tikaani's bedroom.
"C'mon skinny-butt, we're going to Ba Sing Se. Aang told you about this, right? He prepared you...right?"
She found him under the desk, holding something in his hand.
"It's scary at first but you'll grow to like it, I promise." Toph said, touching the boy's head.
Tikaani rocked back and forth, holding something. Toph discovered that it was a bone carving of a dolphin. She took his hand and squeezed it in the comforting fashion that he was use to.
"OK, I'll be brave. You sit next to me OK?" He said, getting out from under the desk and reluctantly following her to the deck.
Meanwhile, Iroh looked nervous as everyone waited for Tikaani to arrive. He joined the others sitting on Appa's back, with his arms crossed and a pensive expression, as they waited.
Tikaani arrived and, with some help from Sokka and Zuko, managed to get on the saddle. Tikaani's expressions read 'I'm scared' and 'please help me' as he found a spot between Toph and Zuko. He flapped his hands and rocked back and forth, looking side to side as Toph held his hand. Iroh tried to look reassuring to Tikaani, but he noticed that Tikaani eyes we're on the ocean and focusing on the waves. Aang took a deep breath and shook the reins.
"APPA! Yip-yip!"
The sky bison lurched and lifted off the ship and headed north-east. He gave a low groan as he ascended, Tikaani made a little noise of shock as gripped the edge of the saddle. Everyone waited for the fearful shriek of horror, but instead Tikaani smiled and gave one of glee.
"Flying! We're flying!" He shouted gleefully, looking down at the shrinking ship. He made another happy noise and rocked back and forth pointing at the ship.
"We're getting higher!" he shouted as he sat back in his seat, rocking as the wind blew his long hair.
We're flying so high! It's amazing. I was scared at first but Toph was right. I do like it. It's not bad to fly like this. I wonder if this how birds feel, this empty free-flowing-ness. This feeling of being almost weightless. It's kinda like swimming, but only in the air. It's air-swimming, that's what flying is.
Tikaani bounced in his seat a little bit and everyone seemed to be at ease, realizing that Tikaani wasn't going to shriek and throw a tantrum. Toph hand her arms over her head as Tikaani smiled and pointed at the peligulls flying ahead.
"Birds! Gulls, Toph! Look, gulls!" He announced, pointing up. Toph nodded, aware thanks to him that there were birds. But because she couldn't see them she wasn't really excited. However she did smile and nod.
"Big ugly gulls. Can you make a noise like one?"
That was probably the wrong question to ask, because as soon as she did, Tikaani spent about twenty minutes making bird noises. Sokka was about to throw him off Appa, when Tikaani suddenly stopped and curled up next to Zuko and fell asleep.
"Gods, it's about time. I thought I was going to have to knock him out." Sokka grumbled, leaning back. Katara, who had been observing this, laughed and got up beside Aang.
"Be happy that he isn't melting down. At least we know now that Tikaani likes flying."
Aang kept the reins on Appa, as Katara sat beside him, sharing the view of the blue sea in front of them. She leaned against him, gently touching his hand.
"I really hope we can end this quickly and safely." Katara said to Aang, who had a soft expression on his face as he steered.
"I do too. I really hate fighting, but it's unrealistic to think that this will be easy." Katara knew that, but didn't want to believe it. She sighed and was quiet for a moment.
"Have you thought about what is going to happen to Tikaani?" she asked. Aang shook his head and had a dour expression,
"No, not yet. I don't want the tribe to have custody of him. I don't know who would want Tikaani. It feels like I have this abandoned lemur kit who I keep trying to find a home for, and nobody can take him. Tikaani needs to be with a good stable home. We can't provide that."
Katara disagreed,
"I think he can stay with us, we do a good job taking care of him. He can live with us in the air temple." Aang shook his head.
"No, he can't. I can't provide him with the constant stability he needs." Aang said firmly, as if saying and that's that. Katara didn't pursue the topic. She wanted to give the security that Tikaani needs, but she knew Aang was right. Traveling all over the world was tasking and not Tikaani's forte.
They arrived in Ba Sing Se late that evening and landed by the Jasmine Dragon. Tikaani stayed in the saddle as everyone started to disembark. Tikaani had an important question.
"Can I go? Can I go too?" He asked, getting off of Appa. Iroh took his hand as he started to wrinkle his face in anger and confusion as everyone started to leave.
"No. You must stay here. Where you can be safe. Now, let's not worry about them and go inside. I'd like you to meet someone." Tikaani followed Iroh, his eyes looking down the road that his friends ran down on, longing to join and be a part of them.
Ursa was not "Ursa" in Ba Sing Se, she was Jia Quan, and friend of Mushi. She spent years in exile with a new name, a new identity and almost a new personality. She had spent most of her time in a convent up north until the war ended and she migrated to Ba Sing Se at Iroh's behest. Now she lives with Iroh as "co-owner" doing most of the paperwork and number crunching as Iroh works in the kitchen. She wrote to Zuko once, asking him not to come after her quite yet. She wasn't ready to meet the son that she had 'abandoned'.
Now, Ursa was on the divan reading a novel by a romance novelist, titled "Soft Rain". She lifted her head, amber eyes meeting Iroh's as she spied the water tribe boy, with navy blue eyes that seemed to be far way and always searching. She put the book down and greeted Iroh, her smile was soft and welcoming as she hugged him. She pushed a strand of graying hair from her head as she smiled at Tikaani, who was apprehensive and chewing on his wrist. Iroh noticed this anxiety from Tikaani and gently introduced the wild-eyed boy to the former Fire Lady.
"Ursa, this is a very special friend of the Avatar. His name is Tikaani and we will be keeping an eye on him while the Avatar works on finding Arnook's murderer. Tikaani is a witness and we're protecting him." Tikaani steped behind Iroh and hid from Ursa, who cooed and smiled.
"Oh, he's a dear. Why don't you come and say hello?" she asked cheerfully, while Tikaani shrunk behind Iroh. Ursa chuckled a bit as Iroh tried to introduce Ursa to Tikaani.
"Tikaani, don't be so shy. This is Ursa, Zuko's mother; you will like her very much."
Tikaani rocked back and forth and continued to chew on his wrist. Then he saw the wind chimes in the window and walked over to watch them sway in the breeze. Ursa smiled and sat by the table, talking with Iroh.
"He is a very unusual young man, very shy too." She said, pouring some tea. Iroh lifted his eyes to Tikaani before returning them to Ursa.
"He has some trouble with communication and understanding a lot. It takes him time to process his environment. Be patient and he can surprise you with some amazing insight." Iroh said, sipping his tea. Ursa nodded and drank hers.
She didn't know how to react to Tikaani. Zuko had been shy as well, but he would mostly pout and then, when irritated, he would explode in anger. Tikaani seem to withdraw from the world and hide in his own, not wanting to come out. Ursa looked thoughtful as she continued the conversation.
"Does Zuko still want me to come back the Fire Nation?" she asked. Iroh nodded with a solemn look.
"He misses you, Ursa. You need to stop hiding from your children. He wants to see you, at least once, just to give himself some closure." Ursa rubbed her face and leaned back her chair.
"OK. He can come here, I'll see him again." She said, in a tone that one would do for a chore. Iroh looked around for Tikaani and noticed that he wasn't in the house.
"Damn! Where did that boy go?" He got up and started to call for Tikaani when he noticed that the door was wide open. "Gods damnit!"
AN: Bring the drama...thanks to Kateison for beta