Dear readers,
I've recently had someone reviewing about how my fic may be at times confusing... I'd like to apologise for that. In order to help you out, I've written this chronology, hoping that it'll make the plot a little clearer.
Big thanks to the person in question, I appreciate a lot these constructive reviews, as they enable me to make this fanfic more enjoyable for everyone
CHRONOLOGY
Antonio Santa Cruz marries Eileen Prince's mother, years after Eileen loses her biological father, thus taking an important place in her life.
Eileen Prince falls in love with Tobias Snape, a mother. Being Pure Blood, her mother rejects her marriage. Antonio supports Eileen, but is in no position to help.
Severus grows up in extreme misery and loneliness. When he finally enters Hogwarts, he falls in admiration for Lucius, even though he doesn't think there's a chance the other boy will ever lay an eye upon him, due to his modest origins and the fact he is half blood.
Lucius enters the Slytherin boys' showers and runs upon Severus naked. Fascinated by Severus' uncommon slimness, he starts to develop a crush on him. As he tells Severus that he loves how thin he is, the younger boy starts to starve himself little by little to satisfy Lucius' morbid taste.
Lucius calls Severus late at night into his dormitory. After leaping onto Severus, seriously wounding him in process, he realizes that because of his whims, Severus has put himself in grave danger. When he tries to explain to Severus that he "let himself go" (referring to Severus' anorexia), Severus misunderstands him and thinks Lucius is rejecting him. Incredibly hurt, he leaves Lucius and starts ignoring him with all his might.
Severus enters the Facoltà di Magi di Napoli after graduating from Hogwarts. There he meets Antonio and learns about how close the man was to his mother. Severus becomes the doctor's disciple, studying the fine art of Advanced Potions Making. Both men fall deeply in love with each other. Because of Antonio's relationship with the Malfoy family, Severus is aware of anything that happens to Lucius. Antonio notices that, although he never mentions it, Severus still has feelings for his ex.
Severus leaves Antonio and Napoli forever as he enters the Dark Lord's ranks.
Severus is tired from the chaos his life has become, from being a Death Eater, a spy, and finally being forced into teaching in order to stay at Dumbledore's side. He enforces his already strict diet in order to be in control of at least one thing in his life.
Harry Potter's fourth year at Hogwarts. An accident occurs during Potions. While trying to deal with the mess, Severus ends up intoxicated by the fumes and is diagnosed chemical pneumonia. While undressing him, Pomfrey discovers how thin the man is. This will induce great difficulties for curing Severus.
Draco sends his father a letter mentioning Severus' illness. Lucius sets off to Hogwarts and offers to take care of Severus, as Pomfrey has way too much on her hands to properly take care of him.
Lucius arrives with Severus at Malfoy Manor. Severus shows antipathy towards the man. After closer examination, Lucius has a hard time finding a way to cure Severus. Thankfully, Antonio is alerted at once (by means of a system designed to call him whenever somebody at the manor is ill) of Severus' state and arrives to take care of him.
Severus and Antonio meet again, still very in love. Antonio tells Severus they'll meet again soon. He also mentions that he's in terminal phase of an terrible malady. He adds that the night they'll share will be the one he think is the last of his life. Actually, his is not sick at all: he just wishes to use a power he has to save Severus. Antonio's family has developed a skill giving them extraordinary health, and enabling them to cure other people by making them drink their blood. However, the curer will curse himself in doing so, by bringing death on him. Not wanting to make Severus guilty, he elaborates this scenario about him at the verge of death.
Severus' state gets worse and worse, and he still feels apathy towards Lucius. Lucius decides to explore Severus' mind to find what's wrong with the man using occlumancy. He discovers how miserable Severus' life was, and also about Antonio being part of Severus family. He then discusses what he's seen with Severus. The ill man than let himself fall into death, by pure exhaustion, not wanting to fight anymore. After managing to save him, Lucius slaps Severus for nearly letting himself die, shocking the other man.
When all hopes are down, Lucius fetches Antonio. Totally spent, Lucius falls asleep at Antonio's house, and Antonio leaves for Malfoy Manor, after leaving a letter of explanation for Lucius to read. He and Severus share one last night together. Before starting, the healer asks Severus to take care of himself and give Lucius another chance in order to find happiness. Antonio offers his blood to Severus, curing him from pneumonia, but not anorexia. He dies just after interacting with Severus.
Severus feels very confused about his feelings for Lucius. In a mixture of grief and shock, he shouts at Lucius before attempting to leave. Just before he's about to floo away, a mysterious spectre passes through him, making him faint. After taking care of Severus, he leaves for information. Lucius learns from his mother's ghost that it's Antonio's ghost that's responsible.
Lucius and Severus get along together, and Lucius still tries to find out what trauma caused Severus to fall into anorexia. He deduces that it might be a feeling of having failed the Dark Lord, but he realizes by the look of Severus that it's actually the opposite. At first in rage against Severus, he understands for what reasons Severus would turn against their former leader.
The Dark Mark burns, making Severus panic. He pleas Severus to let him go in order for Lucius and his family to remain protected. Lucius refuses to let him put himself in danger. Severus falls in love again with Severus.
Antonio's burial takes place in Napoli. Both men attend it. They sleep at Severus' old flat, but have to return promptly to the manor because of Severus' poor health.
Severus gets better little by little, and is fit to return to Hogwarts.
Somebody was knocking gently at the Potions Master private quarters.
"Severus? Are you in there?" Dumbledore called. Severus buried himself further into his sofa. He knew it was no use answering. Dumbledore charm the door open even with all the sophisticated wards and hexes he'd set upon them.
He'd arrived just in time for dinner at the Great Hall. The announce of his return was followed by groans from most students, except for his Slytherins, who'd cheered at his sight, and a polite applause from his peers. Mac Gonagall had restrained herself just in time, thank God, from hugging him around the middle.
The meal started straight away. Severus didn't look up from his dish, which he'd filled very moderately, but he felt upon him the stares from the other teachers. He heard them whisper discreetly in the middle of their conversation. Then he became aware that a few students were keeping close watch on him too.
Don't you think we should tell him to have more...
He does look thin...
Dumbledore said to leave him be for the while...
Still...
Severus endured thirty minutes feeling like a circus freak, being the centre of attention of about three hundred people. He left moodily just after dessert, and even then he could feel their gazes piercing through him.
"Severus?"
Dumbledore had finally managed to work his way through the door. Severus didn't look up. Perhaps if he feigned sleep, the old man would go away.
"Severus?" Dumbledore felt Severus' forehead, making him flinch.
"You're burning up, my dear boy..." he remarked.
"I had a slight fever before I left" Severus said slowly, sitting up. He lent forwards, his joint hands before him.
Dumbledore took place besides him.
"I'm sorry for what happened, Severus... I'm aware the rest of the staff and the student body might've been a little tactless..."
Severus shook his head.
"It doesn't matter, Headmaster. However, I have more pressing issue I'd like to discuss", Severus stated. "Lucius knows about my role as a spy."
Dumbledore sighed heavily.
"I'd thought it would come to that... Taking care of you in the state you were in must have given him the opportunity to know you better", he commented. Severus didn't even ask how the hell Dumbledore could've had an inkling of what had happened.
"Have you buried the hatchet, Severus?" he asked more lightly.
The bloody man knows everything.
"I have no idea what you're talking about", Severus answered curtly. "And now is not the time to fool around, Dumbledore, we both felt the Mark burning during my stay at Malfoy Manor. There's a strong chance that he's back! I rest assured that Lucius won't talk, but in any case I've got to work on my spying skills for the time he'll call us back."
"Are you sure you wish to spy again, even though you'd be in constant danger whilst Mr Malfoy Senior knows about your secret?" Dumbledore enquired.
"I have to maintain my position besides Voldemort for as long as I can, even if it's for a few days. We need the information if we are to build any tangible resistance against him", Severus declared.
Dumbledore stood up silently. Severus followed. When they arrived at the door, the headmaster squeezed Severus' shoulder.
"Please don't speak of yourself like a weapon fit to waste" he asked softly, the eternal twinkle in his eye fading slightly. Severus held himself with dignity.
"I knew what I'd have to face when I took this post."
Dumbledore smiled weakly and patted his shoulder before leaving.
Severus was lying once again in the Hospital Wing's private ward. On his bedside table, a few bottles of potions. On his chest, the matron's stethoscope.
"Take a deep breath, Professor" she ordered. He complied.
Madam Pomfrey hadn't criticized his poor health, for once, because the Potions Master had come to see her all by himself the moment he'd felt off-colour. The fact that it was the weekend had helped a lot, but even though, she was glad of the evident progress. At least the man was resolved to get better. He'd never come to the infirmary before, even if his physical condition was, to say the least, precarious.
She diagnosed a bout of flu. Funny, as Severus had already downed a few pints of fever reducing potions and other concoctions. But, like most medication, to work their best, they had to be taken on a full stomach.
"I'll have to ask you to stay for a day or two, professor, so I can monitor you", she started. "You'll be fed a small ration of porridge along with your medicine every hour and a half. It will be easier on your stomach than a heavy meal and half a bottle of potions, don't you agree?"
Severus gave a little nod. No complaining, no protesting, no tantrum. The medi-witch didn't know what Malfoy had done to him, but it had worked wonders on the man's temper.
Later on, Severus asked whether his essays to grade could be brought to him. Madam Pomfrey hesitated, but considering how cooperative he'd been, she was ready to make concessions. She called a house elf and asked it to bring back a list of things from Severus' quarters. The man started to work straight away after assuring the matron he'd rest as soon as he would feel tired.
A pause of his quill's scratching two hours later proved that he'd stuck to his words.
Pomfrey checked on him later in the evening, after he'd had his second serving of food and potions. Severus was reading a stack of pop quizzes he'd gave his third years the day before. They were covered in cramped scripture written in glistening red ink, making them look like they'd been used as wipes during a particularly bloody surgery.
"So you truly are back to business, aren't you?" Pomfrey teased. Severus frowned at her.
"Poppy, if you have so much time to spare, I can always assign Neville Longbottom to brew a batch of polyjuice in the Great Hall during lunch. Knowing the boy, I assure you the result will keep you busy till next fall, at least", he sneered. Pomfrey blanched. She knew only too well of what miracles was capable the potions prodigy. Severus smirked.
"I think we've reached an understanding."
Around eight o'clock that evening, Severus heard a soft rapping at the door of his ward.
"May I come in?"
Without waiting for an answer, Minerva Mac Gonagall allowed herself inside. Stangely, Severus didn't feel her presence annoyed him. With a gracious smile, she sat beside his bed.
"Good evening, Severus", she said. "I haven't had time yet to have a proper conversation with you ever since you came back..."
Severus' instincts flared to life; the woman in front of him wasn't as tranquil as she wanted him to believe. Her eyes were darting away from him. She seemed to have practiced before coming, for her posture was quite unnatural for her and her beam too broad. She was hiding something from him, but he couldn't say exactly what. He decided to play the game... for the moment.
"Glad to see you, Minerva."
Silence fell upon them as they both gazed at one another. Minerva shuffled her feet nervously while Severus remained stoic.
"Was there something you wanted to tell me, Minerva?" Severus finally asked, putting an end to the awkward pause. The Gryfindor stopped dead.
"Severus...", she mumbled, avoiding his piercing stare, "I wanted to say... I... Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry!"
In a fraction of second Severus had the air blown out of him by a crushing hug and Minerva sobbing onto his shoulder.
"Take a grip on yourself, woman!" he shouted in alarm, barely able to breathe anymore. Minerva loosened her grip on him but carried on crying. Immediately Severus regretted being so harsh and was at lost for anything to say.
"Um... there there, Minerva", he tried, patting her shoulder uneasily, feeling completely foolish. One way or another, it worked, as her sobs slowly restrained to silent tears and hiccups. However, she didn't let go of him.
"Barking mad..." Severus muttered. To his surprise, she chuckled.
"Severus," she said when she had finally mastered her emotions, "I'm so sorry I didn't notice your condition before... We practically live together and I never... never..."
"It's not your fault, you couldn't have known, you weren't the only one", Severus reeled off, sensing another freak tear attack coming. Fortunately, Minerva did not collapse onto him again.
Minerva left a very shaken Potions master, pondering about what he thought he knew and everything he had ignored until then. Oh, sure, he was aware that years of bickering together must've linked him somewhat to her. He never would've guessed, however, that Minerva actually cared.
She eventually calmed down. Asked why. How it all started. He lied. Said he couldn't tell. Well, no, he could, but didn't want to. It was quite personal. She understood. Made him promise, yet another time, to be careful. That if he dared to let himself die, she'd dig him out of the grave just to kill him again. He laughed. He didn't know why. She laughed too, despite herself. He thanked her. She beamed. Told him she'd leave him rest and come back tomorrow. He thanked her, told her she didn't have to. She insisted. He thanked her again. She left the room.
He felt content.
Midnight on boxing day was a very silent affair in the dungeons.
Some might find it obvious enough, as the corridors were empty and the school half deserted, safe for a larger than usual proportion of students staying for the Yule Bal. However, whatever the time or day, you could always find in the Potion's master's room bubbling brews and fuming concoctions, and hear a small symphony of sounds as ingredients were crushed, chopped, pierced, squeezed, and slashed by an expert hand.
Not tonight.
It was on December the 26th, at 11 o'clock precisely that Eileen Prince had been murdered by a troop of Death Eaters for being a blood traitor. Severus had been at Napoli that day, and couldn't have done anything to save her, not being a Death Eater at the time.
It was since then that he'd started wearing black, every day of the year. Severus had fervently loved his mother, the woman who'd sacrificed everything for him.
Every year he spent most of his Christmas vacation locked in his rooms, creating the rumour among students and staff that the festivities made him grouchy because of all the happiness in the world.
He pulled a on small chain around his neck. A silver crucifix came out of his collar. It was a large piece of jewellery, with a green stone in the middle of the cross. He pressed upon it. With a click, it opened to reveal a tiny photograph of a dark young girl grinning serenely. She held a small toddler in her arms.
The photograph was a muggle black and white one, taken years ago by his father. His mother had been about 21, Severus hardly 2.
Severus shut the locket up. He didn't wear it most of the time, just when he needed to feel his mother's presence. At times he had to remind himself that somebody was watching over him.
Someone's watching over me watching over other people. Ha!
He went to his bedroom and undressed. Once under the heavy blankets, he took from his bedside table a muggle book he'd started to read. "Se questo è un uomo", by Primo Levi. A morbid autobiography of a Shoah survivor. Severus enjoyed reading it, not by sadism or historical interest, but to reassure him that he wasn't the only one to suffer in this world. One would ask himself this question after having been through Severus' life. The depressed man had responsibilities to assume and couldn't afford to let himself go by pitying himself. Thus the need for relativism.
But even the book wasn't able to tare Severus from his grief. It ended back on the table after barely ten minutes, leaving Severus dwelling with memories he couldn't ignore anymore. He rolled onto his back, about to turn off the light, but gave a groan. Something hard pocked his spine.
Severus sat up and retrieved a thin parcel that laid upon his mattress, his eyebrows jerking in surprise.
It came from Malfoy Manor.
The wrapping paper was a dull brown, in accommodation with Severus' taste, and a small note was stuck to it.
Severus took it off and read it.
"With your legendary holiday cheer, I thought it absurd to send you this on the 25th, least I wanted it thrown into your fireplace.
Yours,
L.A.M."
Short, but efficient. Severus had always hated long, tedious letters where the addresser displayed all sorts of tactics to mimic intelligence or concern. Lucius' note touched him more than if he'd dedicated him a whole mushy love novel.
Severus tore the wrapping off. The parcel contained two ordinary photo frames.
In the first one, a photograph of young Severus freshly graduated from Hogwarts standing besides Antonio. Severus remembered it well; it was taken by the Napoli faculty he'd studied in. The picture was part of the 1978-1979 yearbook, which he hadn't bothered to keep. He highly regretted it now.
The second frame displayed another yearbook photo, but from Hogwarts this time. Of him and Lucius just before they broke up. The haughty Slytherin head boy besides the secluded prefect.
What a pair.
For a moment Severus stopped grieving. His mind broke the walls surrounding his past. It hadn't been so bad when he thought about it. He'd suffered a lot, of course, but in a bewildering way, he'd gotten used to it.
Severus stood up, got fully dressed and strode out of his quarters. He strode out of his dungeons, out of the castle, out of the grounds, and with a swift turn, dissaparated out of the country.
A raven cawed.
The cemetery surrounding the small church was covered in ice. Said church looked more like a shapeless pile of snow and frost, except for the few glass panes barely visible and the battered wooded door. Severus pushed it open with much difficulty, causing a few flakes to fall upon his travelling cloak. With a loud creaking noise, he entered the House of God, as his mother had taught him to call the once sacred place.
The church had been abandoned about a decade ago, and so no priest came to greet him. Severus walked to the altar, a great sense of nostalgia welling into him. Due to the abundance of crooks, whores and other Mafiosi, the church was dedicated to Saint Nicolas, bless their souls. At the far end, hidden by once deep plum curtains stood the graceful gothic statue of the virgin Maria. When he first came here, Severus had just turned four. With her long dark hair and serene expression, he had mistaken the statue for a representation of his mother, making her giggle in mirth. Each time he wished to address her, to let his voice reach the Heavens, Severus came in this very place and spoke to the statue.
"Mama..." he started embarrassedly, knowing very well that he was a fool to believe his mother could still hear him, and that he was far too old and smart to believe in such superstitions. "I've come back, and I know it's been a while... I think of you every day, you know I do... But today, my mind has been clouded by a fair number of things. You know how hard life can get, but this is ridiculous... I'm... I'm in... with a man I've rejected for years, and now that we're together... God, I don't even know if we're together... Sorry! Sorry! I didn't mean to swear!" Severus said hastily. "Anyway, the Dark Lord's back, what am I to do?"
The statue's faded blue eyes watched him blindly, with the same inviting smile.
Severus' gaze dropped to the floor, and he turned back towards the door, still not looking up.
"I don't want to be alone anymore..." he said softly, the pain visible in his eyes.
The door slammed shut. Just as he left, a curious phenomenon occurred.
The Virgin's eyes were shedding tears.