I kind of feel bad about taking so long in writing, but you know, stuff happens. I'm just releasing this part so that people can know that yes, the story's being (slowly) worked on. [Originally written in 2004]
2010: Wow, it only took 6 years to finish this chapter. I'm on fire! Be thankful Avatar got me back into fanfics, my creative juices are flowing again.
Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating
by AK-47
Step 2: Introducing Yourself
Shouts and screams resounded throughout the Tendo house as Ranma tried his best to kill his father, and his father tried his best to subdue his son. The Tendos gaped at the wanton violence that had erupted in their hallway as father and son struggled for dominance.
Growing steadily more annoyed at the antics of the duo, Akane Tendo stalked into the living room, picked up the table, returned to the scene of the fight, and bludgeoned the two feuding guests into unconsciousness.
"Akane! How could you treat your fiancé like this?" asked Soun.
"He's not my fiancé, he's not my boyfriend, he's not anything except dead meat. Die, Ranma Saotome!" Akane continued bashing Ranma and his father with the table.
"Wait, stop!" Soun leapt up and grabbed the table from his daughter's hands and restrained her in his arms.
Akane struggled for a few moments, but eventually calmed down from a towering rage into a smouldering one. "Fine, I'll stop," said Akane. "I said I'll stop, let me go now."
"You're not going anywhere, Akane," said Soun. "First of all, explain this 'ex-girlfriend' business your fiancé mentioned."
"HE'S NOT MY - ! Grr, I mean, he's not my fiancé."
"But he is your ex-boyfriend?" asked Nabiki.
"Maybe."
"Maybe? What does that mean? Either he is or he isn't." said Nabiki.
"Why don't you ask 'Ranma'?" replied Akane.
The Tendos turned and saw the Saotomes painfully waking up. "Ranma want release of death," groaned the fallen boy.
"Ranma?" inquired Akane.
"Ughhh," replied Ranma.
"Could you answer something for me?" Akane asked sweetly (too sweetly).
"Guhh, uhh, yeaahh?"
"Would you mind explaining why your real name is apparently 'Ranma Saotome,' when the name you gave me was SHIGEKI SATO!"
"Umm, oops?" said Ranma.
"DIE, YOU LYING SACK OF PUBIC LICE!" Akane stepped forward to throttle her ex but was stopped by her father's hold. "Let me go, Dad! Let me go so I can kill him!"
"What did I do to deserve this?" asked Ranma to the universe.
Two Years Later and Two Years Before:
It was an idyllic summer afternoon at the Tendo dojo. The sparrows that nested in the roof were chirping happily and the breeze was blowing lazily over the grounds. The sun smiled down on the dojo's inhabitants; it even shone brightly on the wizened and gnomish pervert chuckling darkly to himself in the middle of the living room.
Upon hearing the old man's mirth from his bedroom, Ranma came downstairs into the living room and made sure to take Happosai down a peg. "Hey, you old freak, you'd better not be jerking off in the living room again."
Happosai spluttered to himself on hearing Ranma's voice. "I've never – you – aargh, you disrespectful little punk, how dare you accuse me of something so disgusting!"
"Yeah, well, if the shoe fits, jerkwad. What, you're saying a deviant like you never choked the chicken in public?"
"Think about it, boy. Why would ole Happi give a free show to anyone?"
Ranma shuddered at the involuntary image that appeared in his mind. He decided that punching was better than thinking and hit Happosai in the face.
"You fool!" cried Happosai as he sailed through the open sliding doors and into the yard. "You almost damaged my treasure!"
The pigtailed boy rolled his eyes at that remark. What did he care about Happosai's newest pair of stolen panties? Wait a second, that doesn't look like underwear. Ranma took a closer look at Happosai's hands and saw – "A doll? That's your treasure? You sick jerk, you're freakier than I thought."
The doll was actually kind of cute as dolls went. It was dressed in some kind of German leiderhosen and its hair was done up in blond pigtails that ran down its back. It also had incredibly large breasts. That figures, thought Ranma to himself.
"Ranma, you ridiculous little whippersnapper! Have you no appreciation for history? This little baby is one of the first anatomically correct dolls ever manufactured!" So saying, Happosai lovingly ran his hands down the doll's front. Unnoticed by both martial artists, the doll's eyes glowed faintly in response to Happosai's touch.
Ranma shuddered at the ancient pervert's actions. He wished he could have lived the rest of his life without ever seeing Happosai molest a doll with big titties. He'd better beat up Happosai before the little troll did anything freakier. If Ranma won, he'd burn the little sex doll. If he lost, he might get beaten so badly he'd get retrograde amnesia and forget the last few minutes. Either way, it was a win-win situation.
"Die, freak!" shouted Ranma as he launched himself forward.
Nothing of note happened in the ensuing battle. Punches were thrown, heads were kicked, and insults were slung. The fight might as well have been any of a dozen earlier fights between Ranma and Happosai. It was so routine and boring that no one else in the family bothered to watch. Plus it was really too hot to be getting so excited over anything.
Nothing of note happened in the fight save for one thing: At one crucial juncture, Ranma knocked the head off Happosai's doll. The head flew into the wall surrounding the Tendo's land and bounced back in the direction it had come from. At the same time, Ranma was shouting something about how he was going to pound Happosai flat. The important thing was that his mouth was wide open. It was into Ranma's big mouth that the doll's head bounced into, and from the mouth it went straight down his throat. Ranma's eyes bugged out as he involuntarily swallowed the doll's head.
Ranma immediately clutched his throat and made gagging noises as he fell to the ground. Everything started to go black, so Ranma hoped he was choking to death. Otherwise he was going to have to live with the fact that he'd swallowed one of Happosai's sex toys.
Sweet, blessed death, thought Ranma as darkness covered everything.
Sunlight streamed into an open window. It touched upon a rather spartan little room. The room contained nothing but a futon, some tatami mats, a backpack, and a small desk. There was also a snoring lump lying in the middle of the futon. "Huh?" asked the lump as it awoke with a jerk.
Ranma looked around the room. It wasn't the room at the Tendo's place that he shared with his father. It wasn't any of the other rooms, either. It was completely unfamiliar to him, but in a weirdly familiar way. It could be any of the rooms that I slept in when the old man and I were on the road, realized Ranma.
The boy got up to see what was outside the window. As he did, he realized that he was wearing a dark blue school uniform. In fact, it was the uniform from the middle school he had attended when he was younger. He also noticed that his hair was no longer in a pigtail but was instead in a ponytail like he used to wear before he'd gone to China. A dark pit of dread suddenly opened up in Ranma's stomach. He made his way to the window, absently noting that he was also shorter than he had been before he passed out. Yep, that's my old neighbourhood, confirmed Ranma as he looked out the window.
Ranma suddenly hiccupped, then he started gagging as he felt something coming up his throat. He hacked and coughed for a few minutes before he brought up whatever it was that had been stuck inside him. He spat the offending object into his hand and looked at it. It seemed to be a scrap of white cloth. It looks like the shirt from Happosai's doll. Wait, how did that even get inside me? I know I only swallowed the head. Ranma pondered the mystery for a few minutes while he gingerly wiped away the spit covering the tiny shirt. As he cleaned up the shirt, he realized there was a tiny label sewn into the inside. He brought the shirt up to his face for a closer inspection.
"The Gentleman Pervert," said Ranma as he read the label. "Novelties for men with exacting tastes." He snorted at the euphemism. Then he noticed the fine print. "Also cursed antique shop." Ranma paused as he let the last part sink in.
"Aww, crap."