Please note that all chapters have been revised, including this one.

Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating

By AK-47

Step 2A: Don't Forget Your Wingman

Ranma sat down on his futon and calmly considered his predicament. Calmly for him, anyway, since he was actually curled up into the fetal position chanting "it's all a dream" over and over. This was the scene that Genma discovered when he kicked Ranma's door open.

"Idiot boy, get going, you were supposed to leave for school five minutes ago!" Genma scowled as he saw Ranma was back in bed. "Did you actually go back to sleep?"

"P-pop," croaked Ranma weakly. "I need to talk to you, something weird –"

"Get the hell out of here!" thundered Genma as he threw Ranma out of the window. Fortunately for Ranma, his room was only on the second floor and he only hit one rock when he fell to the ground. His schoolbag fell on top of him a few seconds later. "Get to school!" shouted Genma from the window.

Ranma glared at his father in resentment. Spitefully, he took as long as possible in getting up and gathering his things. He remembered that the old man could still easily kick his butt in when he was fourteen, so he supposed there was no choice but to go to school after all. Good thing he still remembered the way. Ranma cut through the empty lot behind his house and made his way to his old middle school.

"Ranma, you jerk! What took you so long? I've been waiting forever." A boy in a middle school uniform trotted up to Ranma. Huh, who the crap is this?

"What are you staring at?" asked the newcomer. Ranma tried to place his companion before he recognized the expression of annoyance on the boy's face. I didn't realize it but Ryoga's really bulked up since we were fourteen. I forgot that we used to live so close to each other, too.

"Sorry," said Ranma as he shook his head and drove out his extraneous thoughts. "Come on, follow me." He ran down the familiar path as Ryoga kept pace beside him. They'd probably still make it to school in time, but they'd be cutting it close. Well, I get to spend all day studying stuff I already know. Oh yeah, and I'm a little kid again. This seriously sucks.

Ranma watched Ryoga sulk as he gathered his school bag. Just as he'd thought, the entire day had been a complete waste of time; Ranma had ignored his teachers in favour of fantasizing about punching Happosai in the nuts. The daily fight with Ryoga over the lunch bread had been rather nostalgic, though. Ryoga was still ticked off about losing again. One would think Ryoga would have gotten used to the fact that Ranma always beat him, but then again, Ryoga really knew how to nurse a grudge. Well, whatever, I need to get to the Tendo Dojo and find Happosai's doll. Hopefully the doll had been stored there, and if it wasn't then maybe Ranma could find a clue to its location. "Ryoga, you'll have to go home without me today," said Ranma. "Sorry, but I have to take the train to Furinkan."

"What? You jerk, how am I supposed to get home on my own?"

"Just do whatever you did before I moved here. Come on, you got along by yourself without me." Ranma scowled when he saw Ryoga looking uncertain about going home alone. He looked like he was already imagining himself lost in one of Tokyo's sleazier districts. "For the love of crap, Ryoga, can't you do something as simple as walk home by yourself? Look, I really can't hang around after school, I need to go to the Tendo Dojo in Furinkan and I need to go pronto if I don't want to come home late."

"What's so great about this dojo? There's nothing in Furinkan, it's just another neighbourhood."

"Oh! It, umm, err . . ." Ranma desperately cast around for an excuse. "Oh yeah! My old man said the Tendos are the only other family that practices Anything Goes Martial Arts, so I wanted to see what their school is like."

"Wouldn't it be better to ask your dad and arrange a meeting through him? It's not like you know them, they're not going to reveal their secret techniques to some kid who just shows up on their doorstep."

"I just wanna check out their dojo, maybe I'll tell them I'm interested in becoming a student or something."

"I don't know, Ranma, this whole thing is kind of weird. Why are you suddenly so interested in this family?"

"Damn it, Ryoga, I'm not asking for permission, I'm telling you what I'm going to do. Go home already!" Ranma decided he'd explained enough and jumped out the window.

"Ranma, you buttfaced dork!"

Sucker. Off to the Tendo Dojo he went.

I was right, Furinkan is a complete shithole, thought Ryoga. There was nothing but houses and shops and ugly people. In other words, it could be any other residential neighbourhood in Tokyo. How could Ranma think that there was a kick-ass dojo in such a lame-ass part of town?

Ryoga spied Ranma turning a corner and hurried before he lost his classmate in the crowd. So far he'd been doing a pretty good job of tailing the other boy. Too good, really, since by all reasonable expectations he should have lost Ranma by now. Hoping his luck would hold, Ryoga carefully kept his classmate in sight as the other boy sauntered down the street.

Ah ha, I've deduced that the building down that street is the Tendo Dojo, thought Ryoga triumphantly to himself. There was actually a sign beside the entrance loudly proclaiming the place as the Tendo Dojo but Ryoga took his victories where he could get them. Correction, it was the Tendo Dojo of Anything Goes Martial Arts. I guess Ranma wasn't completely full of shit, then.

Ryoga waited until Ranma walked through the gate before quickly climbing up on a convenient garbage bin and peeking over the wall surrounding the Tendos' place. Fuck me with a spoon, the place is massive! Do the Tendos own Furinkan or something? Ryoga mentally revised his estimation of Ranma's intelligence, or at least his luck. Coming here and sucking up to the Tendos was definitely a smart move.

Goddamn, look at the place, it takes up the whole block: let's see, a two-storey house, garden, koi pond, dojo, some kind of storage shed – that no-good Ranma wasn't going to let me see this place, was he? The Tendos probably had an awesome dojo with all the best equipment that didn't smell like someone's sweaty ass. Ryoga started thinking of ways to "invite" himself along on Ranma's next visit. Or why wait? Maybe he could stumble upon Ranma by "accident." Speaking of whom, what was Ranma up to?

It looked rather like Ranma was sneaking about and trying not to be caught. Well, maybe he was scouting out the lay of the land. It was probably the smart thing to do. Ryoga watched Ranma carefully tiptoe to the left of the main entrance and peek around the corner.

"Hi, can I help you?" A girl with long hair suddenly popped out from around the corner.

At her arrival, Ranma stiffened in surprise. Served the jerk right to be caught red-handed doing whatever it was he was doing. "Uh, I, uh . . . ," started Ranma. "Dojo! I dojo! Here I am!"

"You're . . . here about the dojo?"

Ranma nodded frantically in agreement.

"That's great! We don't really have students coming around anymore. You'll have to prove to my dad that you fit in around here, though. I'm Akane Tendo, by the way!" The girl smiled cutely at him. Ryoga took a moment to notice that she was wearing a gi and – was that a red belt? Impressive. Hopefully she'd earned it fair and square. Then again, only an idiot would wear a red belt who hadn't gotten it nice and proper. There'd be too many other idiots wanting to take down the faker.

"I'm, err – Sato! Shigeki Sato! Yup, that's me!" Ooh, like the pro wrestler. That was an awesome alias. But why wasn't Ranma using his real name? "Everyone calls me Shige."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Shige," said the girl, blushing lightly at calling him by his nickname.

"Ha ha ha," laughed Ranma nervously. "Nice to meet you too!"

Ryoga narrowed his eyes at seeing the two awkwardly talk to each other. Did that bastard Ranma ditch him just for a piece of ass? That just wasn't done! How dare he!

"Die, you cockeating fuck!" With that cry, Ryoga climbed up on the wall and threw the lid of the garbage bin at Ranma.

"Ryo—oww!" Right in the face. That was definitely one of Ryoga's better entrances. "Come back here, you ass-faced dickbag!"

Time to run. That stupid Ranma didn't even realize that he was being led away from the Tendo Dojo. No skirt-chasing little pansy could pull one over on Ryoga Hibiki. Over hill, over dale, over walls and fences and bridges did they go until finally they came to a forest clearing. It looked like the perfect spot for a nice punch-up. Ryoga turned around to confront Ranma when he realized that he was completely alone. He also realized that he wasn't sure how far he was from Furinkan or even if he was still in the same district.

Shit, where the fuck am I now?

Ranma gasped for air as he lay panting on the ground. That suckhole Ryoga had lost him five minutes back and now he wasn't sure if he'd get home in time for dinner. How had they managed to run so far, anyway? He wasn't sure which park he'd collapsed in but he was pretty sure it wasn't one within normal walking distance of the Tendo Dojo.

Wearily, Ranma pulled himself up and set out in search of the closest train station. Hopefully he had enough money for a ride home. Ryoga the dumbass had cost him an opportunity to look for the doll; he'd have to wait until school finished tomorrow to start his search again. Plus he'd have to look for the cursed antique shop, too. The whole fiasco had set him back an entire day.

Wait a minute, the antique shop! It was probably in the phone book! He could just call the antique shop and ask them about the doll. Ranma tried not to feel like an idiot while his legs twitched and burned from his all-out sprint earlier. They'd only hurt more tomorrow, too. Dammit, this whole day was a complete waste of time.

Ranma looked ahead of him and saw that the train station was on top a really steep hill. Goddammit. He was too tired to curse properly. For a moment, Ranma let the injustice of his situation weigh down on him. Then, wearily, he set out to climb the hill.

Oww. Oww. Oww. Ryoga, I swear the next time I see you I'll make you eat your own asshole.