i didn't mean this to happen...don't hate me! if you are going to throw something at me, don't let it be pop-tarts! this is a sequel to "things done wrong", so don't read this until you have read that! i can't put links, so make sure you read it firsttt
I stepped out of my car, heading down my driveway. I could feel the tears pushing against the backs of my eyelids, balancing themselves on the edges. I gripped on to my books harder, pressing them against my chest. I could feel my hair whipping against the wind behind me, freeing itself from it's neatly placed position.
"Don't cry, Rachel," I scolded myself, running down the gravel surface. My face was contorting itself, twisting into a painful expression. I bit firmly on my bottom lip, blood pouring into my mouth. The sobs came desperately as I ran into my room. Throwing my things on my bed, I rushed into my bathroom, trying to wash the feeling of being used off of my bloody mouth. My breath came in tiny squeaks, barely getting enough. All of the feelings hit me hard as I tried to scrub Mike's kiss off of me. Mike kissing me out of a failed attempt to get me to forgive him wouldn't be a big deal for anyone else, but for me, it was. He didn't know what had happened to me before, exactly 3 months ago.
I was walking down the hall, heading for the choir room. I had a song in my heart, ready to sing it out. I stood up straight, preparing myself for my next performance. Being nervous was never an issue for me, always being exposed to the spotlight. Sometimes, I wondered what life would be like if I was average, never having any talent at all. The feelings came once in a while, but I just shake them off, just like usual. It was hard being me, sometimes. No one understood my dreams. They would swell everyday, so terrified of the world ahead of me, but so ready to jump in. I would scare myself sometimes, my dreams being too big for anyone. I tried to wrap my arms around them, but I couldn't. I had time to deflate them, even if it was just a little bit.
"Rachel," a deep, familiar voice called down from the hallway, freezing me in my tracks. I whipped my head toward the source. Finn. Oh no.
"What do you want, Hudson?" I replied as Finn bounded over to me, looking down at me. He was close enough that I could smell the overpowering scent of cheese doodles and musky cologne. I scooted back, feeling the cold metal locker on my back. Finn rested a hand on the lockers, closing me in. He half-smiled at me, even though I was avoiding his eyes.
"Rachel, I know we've had lots of problems in the past, but I still like you and really want to be with you," Finn started, nodding his head stupidly. I cut him off.
"No. No, no, no, no, no," I repeated, trying to duck underneath Finn's arm. He grabbed on to my hand, trying to hold me back.
"Don't leave," Finn pleaded, gripping on to my quivering hand. I tried to shake off his grip, pushing him away with my other hand. I escaped his grasp, running down the hallway. My heart was pounding in my ears, hearing Finn's heavy steps gaining on me. My stomach twisted itself in a tight knot. Something told me to be afraid. Something told me to run, no matter where I went. My legs moved as fast as they would take me, losing my balance on the tiles. Feet slipping out from under me, I fell on to the cold, white floor. I hit myself on my tailbone, causing me to cry out in pain. My books were skidding down the hallway, hitting hard against a locker. Finn was right ahead of me, a devilish grin spreading across his face. Frantic tears started to spill down my face, desperate, breathy sobs making their presence known. I scooched back, pushing myself against the end of the hallway.
"Finn, leave me alone," I breathed, pressing my knees against my chest. Finn grabbed on my arms, pulling me up from the floor. He held me above the floor, just high enough so my feet didn't touch the floor. I opened my mouth to scream, cut off by Finn's gruff hand clasping over my mouth. I was being held with one arm, carried across the hallway. I wriggled in Finn's arms, fighting against the movement. My muffled shrieks fell on deaf ears as I was pushed into a bathroom and knocked back down on the floor. I tried to get up, my hands reaching up toward the ceiling, attempting to grab on to something that didn't exist. Finn sat next to me, holding me down so I wouldn't run away. He leaned down, kissing me hard on the lips, meaningless and painful. Wiping the kiss away, Finn slapped me on the side of my face, angry that I wiped it away. I blinked my eyes, trying to grasp what was going on.
"Kiss me," Finn demanded, staring straight into my eyes. They looked crazy, his pupils flickering.
"No," I whispered, hoarse and cracked. I tried to defend myself, repeating myself more firmly. Finn hit me again, harder this time. My teeth ground together, reacting to the hit.
"I said, kiss me," Finn raged, pinning both of my shoulders to the frozen floor, leaning down far enough to taste his rotten breath. My ears buzzed, digging though my brain for something to do, "Kiss. Me." Reluctantly, I did, salty tears running down my face, disappearing into my hair.
"Let me go," I sobbed, trying to push him off of me. Finn spat an evil laugh down at me, condescending and angry.
"No. Be a good girl and I will let you go without hurting you too badly," Finn laughed again, staring at me like I was a piece of meat. Finn pulled me up, pushing me against the wall, "Tell me that you love me." Finn's words echoed in my head, my brain taking a few seconds to wrap around his demands.
"I-I lo-ve you," I lied. I could feel screams building up inside of my chest, ready to explode. Finn frowned and smashed me against the wall, forcing all of the air out of my lungs. I deflated like a balloon, struggling to catch my breath again.
"Mean it," Finn yelled, spitting both of the words. I repeated myself, trying to sound more convincing. The world started to blur as I heard Finn cursing at me, throwing various demands at me. I tried to do what he said, attempting not to anger him any further. Squeaking weeps escaped from deep in my stomach.
"Be good and this won't hurt that much," Finn cackled, pushing me back on to the floor, sliding himself over me. That's when everything went blank.
I remember waking up on the same floor I was left on by a door slam, all of my clothes thrown in a messy pile across the room. I shivered against the floor, everything sore and painful. Deep blue bruises were forming under my skin. I tried to stand up, my legs giving out under me. My whole lower half was pained, blood dotting the empty floor. I crawled over to the sinks, propping myself up on the counter. My eyes were bloodshot, puffy bags framing them. Blotchy red marks dressed up my cheeks, signs of bruising shining through. Stabbing pains slithered up my spine, burning heat licking the muscles. I put my clothes back on, trying to look presentable. I felt empty, used and broken. I wasn't presentable, never to be again.
"It's your fault," I whispered to the mirror, pointing a finger to myself, "None of this would have happened if you stayed with him." I weeped into my hands, nothing coming out of me. I was completely empty, unable to cry real tears anymore. I was useless, damaged goods. No one would ever want me. No one would ever need me. Never again.
I resumed this position in my bathroom at that moment, repeating the same pose. My legs wouldn't hold me up. I brushed my teeth 4 times in a row, trying to wash Mike out of my mouth. I didn't want him there, just like I didn't want Finn there. Finn. His name sent guilt surging through my body. I never would let anyone take advantage of me, never again. I ran out of the bathroom, sitting down at my desk. I thought hard as I wrote out my thoughts, pouring them out to Mike in a letter. Burning tears streamed down my cheeks as I lied to him. I told him I was moving away, the biggest lie yet. He'd never know where I was going. I also told him I wouldn't miss him. Mike was my everything. We used to be best friends, 2 of a kind. I could never forgive him now, after he took away every chance he had by acting just like Finn. A dirty, rotten, life stealer. I sealed the letter, writing Mike's address shakily on the envelope. I shoved the letter in the outgoing mail box and headed back inside, going back into the bathroom. I collapsed into the bathtub, turning on the shower, fully clothed. My outfit stuck to my body, holding everything together. Slamming my head against the back of the shower, empty sobs repeated themselves. I let the cold water wash over me, fumbling for a razor on the tiny shelf inside of the shower. Using the sharp edge, I slashed deep into my wrist, slow and lingering. I watched the thin, red blood trickle down my arm, washing away into the drain, never to be seen again. I repeated it again, cutting the other wrist. I yelped in pain, but savored the relief. I craved more, cutting deeper and deeper. My tears mingled with the tap water, weakly standing up. My heart thrashed hard against my ribs as I limped back into my room, digging through the drawer I was searching for. A long rope. The rope I used for a history project with Finn. The name sent me flying over the edge. I climbed up on top of my desk chair, slinging the rope over the steel curtain rod, tying it in a firm not. Tying the rope on the other end, I slipped it carelessly over my neck. I replayed everything again in my head, warning myself against this foolish act. When the wheel of life stopped on Finn's crazed grin, I kicked the chair out from underneath me. I struggled against the strangling pain, then relaxed, knowing I would be taken away from this terrible world...
I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak,but you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head...
oh my goodness. i am the worst. why did i do this? whyyyy?
the song is "Remembering Sunday" by All Time Low.