Part 5
They have less time to kill in the airport terminal than they thought they would; she supposes there's that silver lining at least. She does not excel at patiently waiting, and does not especially want to sit there and dwell on what's in her head right now.
She senses Cooper hovering a little. He says something about blood sugar and electrolytes and tries pushing food on her again, and she's on the verge of snapping back at him to leave her alone when she realizes that she can just shut off this whole thing, like she did before, and enjoy some peace while she waits for him to stop talking.
She's careful to keep herself steady and keep part of her mind on the talking, so she'll know he's finished and it's safe to come out again. She endures a brief moment of pause as she recognizes on some level this this is a bad coping strategy. But at the same time, she has to admit, there's something nice about this whole checking out thing. Stuff goes on around her, but in her head, she's someplace else so it just whooshes by...
Then he's shaking her, his hand grasping her shoulder a little too firmly, and she's back again, and flinching away.
"Hey!"
"Hey yourself," Cooper says. "You with me, babe? You seemed to kind of go off into space for a second."
"Only a second?"
He frowns. "Okay, talk to me. What's going on?"
She shakes her head. "Not now."
"But..."
"No, Coop. I said, not now. Ask me again when we're at 50,000 feet it you have to, but I need some space while we sit. I need some quiet."
"Charlotte..."
"You're worried. I know you are. But I just can't do it right this second, Coop, I can't. Let me have some peace. We'll talk later. I promise we will."
He frowns. "I'm holding you to it. You can count on that."
He says something else, but she's already stopped listening. In the safe place, the only sounds she can hear are her quiet, steady breathing and the crack of the waves hitting the shore as her toes wriggle into the sand and she relaxes.
He gets her on the plane, she guesses. She doesn't consciously remember boarding it, finding their seat, putting the belt on and taking off on their way. But she's brought back again by the sudden popping of her ears as the plane levels off.
She's groggy and it takes her a moment to find which side Cooper's on. "Gum," she says.
It comes from the right side, along with a surprisingly reassuring squeeze of her hand.
"Hey," he says gently.
They are in a row of three seats. Cooper has the window seat. She's in the middle, and there is a strange man beside her. She panics for a second, grips Cooper's hand. Then sees that the man looks nothing like anyone she knows. He's large, though- very large. He's taking up half of her seat as well as his own, and the press of his bulging thighs into her side is alarmingly unwelcome.
"Switch seats with me," she says to Cooper.
"You said you didn't want the window."
"Changed my mind. Switch seats with me, Coop."
"Are you sure? Cause if you're gonna feel too confined back here..."
The man beside her fidgets and sends a roll of fat rippling like a shock wave across her skin. She can feel the contact, even through her clothes.
"Switch spots with me," she says again through gritted teeth. "Do it now, Cooper."
He senses something in her tone, bites his lip and looks like he's about to say something. But he unbuckles his seat belt and awkwardly maneuvers himself around her. He waits until she's got the seat belt on again and is looking a little more comfortable, before he speaks.
"You're scaring me," he says.
"I know I am. Scaring myself a little too, if you want the honest truth."
"Are you going to be okay there?"
She's never been claustrophobic. This, like many other things, is new. But she'll manage it better than she'll manage the alternative, a stranger's body again invading her space...
"It was touching me," she says. She keeps her voice low so as not to alert the stranger who is stuck so close to them for the duration of this apparently cursed adventure. "His body. It was touching me."
Cooper fidgets in his seat, at last noticing the prompt behind the seating change. "Oh, sweetie..."
"And, yeah. We're gonna need to work on this. Cause all I kept thinking, just like I did at the security checkpoint, was lord help me, I haven't even let Coop touch me there..."
"Baby, I'm sorry."
"Not your fault. But I'm thinking that's why I had such a strong reaction. And maybe if I...if I let you touch me again..." She sighs. "This'll be hard, working through this at my parents house. Not as comfortable there. Not the privacy we'd have at home. But we need to do this, Coop. Need to start it, anyway. Or I'll be jumping every time a stranger brushes up against me at the grocery store."
"I understand."
"So that's one thing, I guess. Need to let you start touching me again." She looks over, sees that their seatmate has put headphones on and appears to be dozing. "Okay. So, you want to talk now?"
"I think we just did. You scared me to death, you know. And at the gate, too, it was the same thing. Your eyes went blank and you just...checked out of it. Can I ask, where did you go?"
She hesitates, then admits it. "The beach house, where we stayed that one time. It's a safe place for me, Coop. Took me forever to think of one, when Violet asked me. I got other places I love, but they were mixed memories. That place was the only one that was pure. And Violet said, when things get fast on me, to sort of go there in my head and wait for it to slow down again."
"Good advice."
"Uh huh."
"Do you think that, next time, if it's only me around, you could just tell me you're feeling that way and let me back off before you do something so drastic?"
She has to admit, that option had not occurred to her. She was operating strictly in a 'run first, ask questions later' mindset. Maybe this was like the touching thing- she'd have to recognize that the threat may feel real, but the danger has passed and she can start dealing with these things as part of a normal life...
"You're right, Coop. You're right. I should have just said."
"That's my girl. I love you, you know. I just want you to be safe and happy. If that means backing off sometimes...well, you're learning better ways. I guess I need to learn better ways too."
"I just...I hope we can get to a point sometime where everything's not about this anymore, you know?"
"I do know. And that's why I think that, rocky departure notwithstanding, this trip will be a good thing. Give us something else to think about for a couple days."
"Maybe."
"So? Tell me more about your family."
She indulges him with a few harmless tales of childhood hijinks with two brothers and scrappy little her. She carefully avoids talk about Momma, and he doesn't press her. They get lunch just as she's about had it with the talking thing, and she tells him as the plates are cleared that she wants to sleep for awhile.
"Wanna be fresh when we get there," she says.
"And you don't want to talk anymore."
"That too. Truth be told, Coop, I'd rather be asleep right now. Stuff in my head I'd rather not think about."
"Anything I can do?"
"A little claustrophobic, like you thought I'd be. Little anxious about seeing Momma again. A little worn out from all that stuff when we were leaving. Just need you to let me be and let me regroup a little, 'kay?"
Good boy, he lets her sleep. Half an hour before they land, he wakes her. She pulls a hair brush and travel pack of wet wipes out of her carry-on bag and heads straight for the bathroom without saying a word. She spends longer than she planned to in there. She's staring at her face in the tiny airplane mirror, and she's scrubbing at it with the wet wipes, but all it does is make the dark circles under her eyes and the somber, sad little mouth smell lemony. Momma will see through this in about ten seconds, maybe fifteen if she's wasted and not thinking too well. Momma will see straight through it, and she'll have to talk about this all again. Not talk about it in any productive sense, of course-women like Momma don't talk about things like this. But she'll have to be nagged into putting on a better appearance, at least, so people won't look at her and know she isn't perfect. And she isn't sure she can do that right now. Hard enough putting on an appearance just for herself, at this point. Hard enough just keeping it together for her.
She goes out again, sits with Coop, squeezes his hand.
"I love you," he says.
And the plane begins its descent.