Title: The Interlude in the Hallway
Author: Sasusc
Ratting: PG/K
Word Count: 1010
Genre: Humor
Spoilers: None, not DH compliant
Summary: Harry and Ron are musing over how Hermione and Snape got together.
Notes: Written for Brian. This is a bit sillier then my usual, but I challenged myself to base this off the first phrase since I said it would lead into poorly written fiction.
"You know, Professor, it violates school policy to violate me in this way," Ron mimicked in a girly tone.
"Do tell me," purred Harry as he leaned in closer to his friend, "how shall I be punished for my crime?"
Ron giggled. "Oh, Professor! Let me get out my list and I shall tell you."
The two boys looked at each other and couldn't keep from cracking up. They slid into each other and knocked over several empty bottles they had scattered around the hallway. Ron grasped his friend's shoulder. When Harry refused to look straight at him, he framed Harry's head between his palms.
"Do you think it went something like that?"
Harry shook his head and then nodded. "Naked. They probably were all naked. Or got naked." His eyes widened in shock. "Eww…gross! Hermione must have seen Snape naked!"
"What?" Ron shouted in disbelief. "Who would want that image stuck in their head?" He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe she Obliviated her memory of it…"
The boys were silent for all thirty seconds before Harry spoke again. "Who would their kid take after? Both," he answered himself. "It would be super smart and a teacher's pet."
Ron nodded his head viciously. "We got to corrupt it! Teach it all sorts of bad things so the kid can the most popular kid at Hogwarts."
"And Quidditch! Hermione's kids will be the best at Quidditch since we will teach him or her everything we know."
"There will be no teaching of any-if at all-future children Hermione and I may have," a silky voice said from a doorway. The boys glanced up in surprised as Severus Snape glided out of the shadows and into the half light illuminating the hallway.
Ron clutched his friend's arm. "Where did he come from?"
Harry shook his head. "Do you think he has some kind of spell to know when people are talking about him?"
"Hermione would know. We should ask her."
"Let's ask her now!"
"Yeah," Ron agreed.
The boys made to get up, but Severus pushed them back to the floor. "Stay."
Ron glared as he rubbed his head. "No. I want to go. I want to go now. You're mean."
This time Severus placed a booted foot against the redhead's chest and pressed him against the wall and holding him there. "I said stay."
"Yes, sir," Harry answered. "Not going any where, are we? This floor is very comfortable. Please don't take points from Gryffindor for Ron's behavior, Professor. We promised to be good. No mischief at all. Promise."
Severus rolled his eyes. They were intoxicated to the point that they didn't even know what they were saying. It's been more than five years since the boys were in school. He didn't know why his bride was friends with these idiots, but he knew she wasn't happy that they were nowhere to be found.
"Oh! These are great boots!" Ron commented as he rubbed a hand across the glossy surface. They were the perfect boots-all shiny and new. He couldn't help but wondered if Snape bought them himself or if Hermione had. Although, his friend had never been into all that girly pursuits commonly associated with the opposite sex. "Where did you buy them?"
Severus pulled his foot back in disgust. He folded his arms across his chest and sneered at them. "I've been sent on this foolish mission to locate the two of you and bring you back. You are upsetting Hermione with your absences. She wishes her two best friends would show their support of her marriage."
Ron pouted. "She married the most hated Hogwarts professor ever."
"He hates me," Harry lamented. "She wants us to be friends, but Professor Snape won't be my friend."
Ron patted his friend on the shoulder. "It's alright, mate. You still got me. And him," he said pointing to Severus. "Hey! Maybe you can talk to Professor Snape for us. Tell him how much we want to be friends."
Harry squinted. "Ron, that is Professor Snape!"
"Oh."
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I think it would be best if I went back and told her I couldn't find the both of you." He turned to go. With a speed he hadn't counted on, Harry jumped to his feet and grabbed his dress robe. "What-?"
"You better not make her cry," he said. "You will have me and the whole Weasley clan at your throat with wands. Hermione is precious to us all. We won't allow her to be hurt."
The Potion Master was surprise to notice the soberness in the young man's voice and eyes that hadn't been there before. He inclined his head in acknowledgement. He had no intention to hurt Hermione, not after all he put her through to get here.
Harry nodded back. He slapped a hand on Severus' back, keeping it clamped around his shoulder. "Snape, lets join the party. Hermione would kill us-me and Ron-if we monopolized her groom on her wedding night."
"Hey! What about me? Can I get up now?"
Harry, once again in his drunken haze, reverted back to his Snape impression. "Mr. Weasley, you may join the half-wit Mr. Potter once you clean up this mess." He gestured to the empty bottles they had drunk. He smirked as a new idea hit him. "You must then give Mr. Potter…fifty galleons."
"Fifty?" Ron shrieked. "Why don't you ever take points off anymore? Must it be money now that we are older?" Ron moaned into his hands.
"Because," he said leaning down closer to his friend. He waited until Ron was looking at him. "I'm not Professor Snape."
"Who are you?"
His lips twitched. "I'm Lord Voldemort!"
"No!" Ron shouted. "Hermione was tricked into marrying a wizard worst than Snape!"
Severus growled at them and smacked them on the back of their heads-hard. "Idiots. The lot of you." He walked away from them. "I don't know what she sees in you."
Harry and Ron shouted after him. "Don't know what she sees in you either!"