"Hey, Tare, where are you thinking of going to college?"
Tara's head shot up from her laptop at the unexpected question and she looked at her girlfriend, sitting across from her on her own bed, laptop in front of her as well.
"What?"
"College," Willow repeated, "I'm just getting all my applications ready, kinda late I know, but I guess I just forgot, I was so caught up in us and everything. But there's no point in me applying somewhere that's not nearby you. Where did you apply to?"
Tara was stunned into silence.
College? There's no way Daddy will ever let me go to college. No way, I'll spend forever looking after him and that house.
She shuddered as her father's voice started booming through her mind, the mantra she'd hear every evening as her father's fists worked to convince her of her worthlessness.
'You're lucky I even let you live in my home, Tara. The least you can do is keep it in check. I pay for your food and put a roof over your head, more than you deserve. No man will ever want you, nobody will ever love you, especially when you can't even keep this home. You're not even worthy of what I give you here. You can spend your life repaying that debt.'
She closed her eyes and pushed the memories out of her head.
He only sent me here to 'put some order in my life' before I finished school. Probably thought spending time with some 'normal' girls would make me normal as well. Talking about boys. He'd probably have a coronary if he knew I was spending my time kissing a girl. Look how he reacted when he knew I was just thinking about it.
She reopened her eyes with a sigh and saw Willow was looking at her expectantly, waiting for an answer.
God, Willow...she's...she's willing to go wherever I go so we can be together. Oh sweetheart, I'd be with you forever if I could. I can't let her throw her life away for me. But I can't tell her about having to stay at home when I leave here... She'll hate me. For leading her on. For being so weak.
"I'm probably gonna stick close to home," she managed eventually, trying to clear her conscience by thinking it wasn't really a lie, "But um, you should apply everywhere. That way I can say 'my girlfriend got into Harvard'. 'Cause I know you will."
Tara held her breath as she hoped Willow would take her jokey suggestion seriously without being too suspicious and exhaled slowly when the redhead just smiled and shrugged.
"Okay. Just for you. I'm thinking of taking a gap year, though. I have no idea what I want to do really. I mean maybe something in computers but that's really just a hobby, I don't know if I want to make a career out of it. I could get a job at Starbucks or something and try and figure myself out. They have Starbucks in Alabama, right?"
"Yea," Tara nodded weakly, "They have Starbucks."
Willow seemed happy at that and continued typing away at her laptop as Tara struggled to hold in her tears.
What are you doing, Tara? I've been so caught up in how I'll feel when I have to go back to...him...what about her? She loves me. I know she does. For whatever reason, she loves me just as much as I love her. She wants to be with me. She's planning her life around us. I have no choice, I have to go back home when I leave here. He'll make me. And I can't tell her about him...even if she doesn't hate me, what if he hurts her too? I can't let that happen. Oh god, what do I do?
"Love you, baby."
Tara was pulled from her thoughts as Willow spoke the sentiment across the room, not looking up from her laptop. She'd just felt the words and spoken them, it was as natural as breathing to her.
"I love you too," Tara got out, thanking every deity known to man that her voice didn't shake.
Oh Willow, I do. I adore you. But I'm not strong enough to handle it if I tell you the truth and you hate me. Or if my father found out and he caused you any pain...either way, I'm going to hurt her. My father was right, no one should ever love me, I just cause anguish. Please forgive me for whatever happens in the future, Willow. We have six months left together. I'll try and make them as good as possible. For you. For us.
Tara watched as Willow happily typed away, oblivious to the fact that she was being stared at, wanting, not for the first time, to just tell Willow everything about her abusive past and what she was sure would be an abusive future and just hope that her girlfriend would make it all better.
But she couldn't. She didn't know whether it was her self-worth issues or the fear of the power her father still had over her, but she couldn't open up. She'd never had anyone to open up to. Her mother had been her only confidant, but the abuse had only started once she'd died, so she was left to deal with that loss and her mistreatment by her father and brother by herself.
Even if she thought she could get past the dread of Willow not reacting well or the possibility of her father causing her girlfriend pain...the concept of opening up completely to someone - even someone she knew she loved with all her heart - was so foreign to her that she wasn't even sure she knew how.
She sighed as she set her thoughts in her mind.
She'll be fine when I leave. She'll get over me. The pathetic, spineless person I am, I'm not worthy of her tears, never mind her love. She could have anyone. She'll find someone who actually deserves her and treats her right. Doesn't lie to her or keep secrets. And maybe if I'm lucky she'll remember me as someone who loved her more than anything and not the girl who just left one day...
"Okay. Done," Willow said, again pulling the brunette from her thoughts as she closed her laptop, "Or at least done for now. I'll get one of the teachers to look over them before I officially send."
"Good idea," Tara forced a smile, blinking away the few tears that had formed in her eyes as she pretended to focus on the fuzzy screen in front of her.
There was a silence in the room for the next few moments until Willow piped up again.
"Hey, are you doing something important on there?"
Tara looked up from her screen and shook her head.
"No. Just messing around."
Willow nodded before biting her lip and exhaling, as if she contemplating something.
"Wanna make out?"
Tara almost laughed at the bluntness but secretly welcomed the opportunity for distraction from her morose thoughts about the future. Before Willow had a chance to realise what was happening, the brunette had stood up and flung herself on top of her, latching their lips together.
"Is that a yes?" Willow asked, running her hands down the brunette's shoulders.
"Uh huh," Tara agreed, sucking the smaller girl's bottom lip into her mouth.
"Mmhh, yea," Willow sighed happily as her lips were attacked with peppered kisses, "Make the most of our last day of no classes."
It was the last day of winter break and students had already started to return. The girls had heard the commotion in the halls but opted to leave their fellow peers to their reunions.
But Tara wasn't thinking about that, she was only thinking about Willow's plump lips and she pulled back, fixing her girlfriend with an exasperated look.
"Willow, stop talking."
The taller girl didn't give Willow a chance to respond as she quickly covered her mouth with her own again and slipped her tongue past her teeth. The redhead moaned and bunched the brunette's shirt in her hands for a moment before deciding it was too much of a constraint and began fumbling with the buttons.
Tara shrugged the material off her shoulders when she felt the last buttoned being loosened and then flipped them so she could pull Willow's t-shirt off as well, moaning as the skin of their stomachs caressed each other. She tangled one hand in her girlfriend's hair, while the other went to cup her jean-clad ass as they kissed passionately, the redhead's hands roaming Tara's sides.
Both girls were so lost in each other they didn't hear their door bang nor did they notice that there was someone else in the room until the loud voice of one of their teachers rang throughout the dorm.
"Hi girls, just checking to see who's back and – oh my god!"
Willow pulled away from the brunette with an audible pop, her face turning into one of horror when she saw the teacher standing there in shock, her eyes wide. She gulped and looked at Tara, who looked terrified, before looking back at the teacher.
"This isn't what it looks like."
Willow angrily threw the last of her clothes in her suitcase and zipped it up, before picking up the pillow Tara had made her for her birthday and holding it close to her chest, sighing. She then heard the room door bang and spun in place, running over when she saw it was Tara who had walked in and throwing her arms around her.
"Oh god, baby, are you okay? What happened? What did the headmistress say?"
Tara wrapped her arms tightly around the redhead and enjoyed the closeness for a moment. After the teacher had caught them in their heated embrace, they'd been given all of a minute to pull shirts back over their head before they'd been marched down to the principal's office where they'd been separated and brought in individually, both getting an earful from the headmistress.
"I have to move downstairs to a room on my own. Twenty minutes to pack and get down there," Tara said eventually, not loosening her hold, "She said if she ever caught us in a lewd act on school grounds again, it'd be grounds for expulsion."
Willow pulled back and nodded her head.
"We got the same spiel."
"It's not lewd," Tara said irritably, "We love each other."
"Well I know that and you know that," Willow replied with a sigh, "Who cares what the damn school administration think?"
Tara walked over and sank down on her bed.
"She called my Dad."
"Yea, she called my parents, too," Willow responded with a bitter sigh, "Just got their secretary's though. Both of them. Was your Dad mad?"
Mad doesn't even begin to describe it.
"He just said he'd deal with me when he saw me," Tara answered, leaving out the part where her father had said if he heard of one more dealing with 'whichever Jezebel had corrupted her' she'd pay the price dearly.
He hadn't needed to elaborate. Tara understood.
"Well, he's not gonna see you until school finishes," Willow replied, trying to look on the bright side, "He has six months to calm down and get used to the idea."
Oh Willow if only it was that simple. But she's right. We still have six months. I don't care what he does to me, I'm not gonna stop being with her until I absolutely have to. But how are we gonna...?
"Willow, ho-" Tara tried to speak but suddenly burst into tears.
"Oh baby, don't cry," Willow said, quickly rushing over to her girlfriend's side and pulling her head to her chest, "Shush, it's okay. This doesn't change anything. Well, it changes some things, but it doesn't at all change my feelings for you. We're just gonna have to be more careful is all. And crafty. Careful and crafty."
Tara continued to sob quietly, overwhelmed by emotion.
"But, Willow, how..."
Willow held onto the brunette tightly and calmly kissed her temple.
"Don't you worry about a thing, angel. 'Cause I'm gonna come up with a plan, okay? I'm gonna come up with a plan."
Willow walked through the doors of the dining hall, seeing pretty much every other member of the school already sitting around the tables, eating their breakfast. She hadn't slept at all the night before, the quietness of being in the room by herself and the fact that she didn't get a goodnight kiss, a ritual she'd become quite accustomed to, preventing her from getting any decent slumber.
She spotted Tara already sitting at a table by herself up ahead and took a deep breath. She really didn't want to do this. She'd give all the money she owned to not have to do this. But she knew she had to. She had no choice, right? It had to be done. It was the only way to move forward.
She walked forwards and loudly slammed her hands against the table that Tara was sitting at, attracting stares from the rest of the dining hall. Willow could see everyone whispering – the rumour mill had been running full-speed since the night previous, everyone putting two and two together when they'd seen them being marched to the headmistresses office and then being placed in separate rooms - but she had to ignore them. She had to get through this quickly or she wouldn't be able to do it at all.
"Listen up, Tara because I'm only gonna say this once. I'm done, okay? No more. No more drama, no more sneaking, no more us. I can't handle it. I can't do it. So just stay away from me. Stay out of my life."
Willow started to struggle with her words as she saw pain and hurt flash through Tara's eyes but forced herself to continue, putting her hands up as she started backing away, shouting loudly.
"We're through!"