"It's not true, is it? Say it's not true."
Astra's hoarse voice and shining, wide eyes made it quite clear that she was begging Remus Lupin, because perhaps this wasn't denial of Sirius' death – perhaps he was actually alive, and this was all some bizarre stunt he had pulled off. Stranger things had happened where Sirus Black was concerned.
If it had been anyone else, they might have looked at her pityingly, but Lupin understood her sentiments entirely, and he squeezed her shoulder again as he bit his lip awkwardly.
"I'm sorry", was all he could manage.
She gulped and got out of her chair leading him wordlessly to the front room where they slumped down next to one another on the sofa, and her head found his shoulder – eye contact somehow seemed too much.
"How'd it happen?" She asked in a glum whisper.
There was a long pause, before his head leant down slightly on hers, his arm wrapped around her shoulder and she realised he was trembling.
"Bellatrix", he spat softly.
Astra nodded, taking in a slow breath through her teeth as her hatred for that woman threatened to rise up her throat bile-like; Bellatrix Lestrange had been responsible for plenty more of Astra's sufferings. She said nothing, however, instead beginning to tremble, because neither of them had the strength to pretend to be strong for one other – there was no point in hiding it or denying it, because Sirius Black's death had broken them both a little bit.
"And his-", she gulped, feeling a bit nauseous at the thought that had just popped into her head, "His body?"
Lupin's body seemed to tense slightly, as he replied, "It—it's gone. We were in the department of mysteries; I would assume that it was a room where they examine the process of d-death. There was a veil, and he fell through it and-", he swallowed as he began to shake again, and he could not finish his sentence.
"He went because Harry was there?" She knew that Sirius had wanted his freedom badly, and death probably hadn't been on his mind just yet but if he'd had to go, then she felt certain he'd have wanted to go protecting James Potter's son.
She gently raised her head from Lupin's shoulder to meet his haunted gaze, and he just nodded slowly.
Another day he would tell her in detail what had happened – how Sirius had died laughing, how Harry had run after Bellatrix aiming to kill, to cause pain like he felt. For now though they sat there, tears dribbling from their eyes in an almost resigned fashion, although every now and then she would let out violent sobs while Remus sat quietly.
Perhaps it was because she knew that Sirius had died for James' son, because it had been Bellatrix, or because Remus was all alone; whatever it was, she was suddenly reminded of another day, which had ended so similarly to the way this one had started…
It was the day after Halloween, and the world was in awe of little Harry Potter, who had somehow defeated You Know Who – Astra wasn't sure of the details, as her shift had started early that morning, but through the champagne bottles floating around the busier-than-ever wards, the somewhat mournful toasts in hushed reverence, and the general excited buzz she had more or less gathered what had happened to poor Lily and James Potter.
She was very upset to hear about the deaths of two people who had been so kind and loving – sad for the boy who would never know his parents. But even so, she could hardly imagine how horrendous Sirius must be feeling – his best friend, his brother - gone. He was Harry's godfather though, and would not take the role of guardian lightly - Astra presumed that once he had drunk himself into a stupor, he might start looking into taking-in Harry.
She assumed he was doing something like that at any rate; he had seemed distant when she'd seen him last night, and had gone out mid-evening saying he had some Order work to check-up on - however he'd found out about the Potters could not have been easy for him.
There was no time now to find him and see how he was doing though; St. Mungo's was heaving with people, and there were a lot of patients to treat.
It was in the afternoon after a very hectic, surreal morning that she bumped into Augusta Longbottom – Frank's mum – in the corridor, holding baby Neville who was howling in her arms as she bounced him distractedly, her face pale and drawn.
Astra would normally have been delighted to see her lovely godson but Augusta's expression made it clear that something wasn't right, and Astra walked slowly into the ward that Augusta had shakily nodded towards.
As soon as she stepped inside Alice's screams pierced her, while Frank - who had already been sedated - was lying on the white-sheeted bed with vacant eyes. He looked strangely small.
A mediwitch whom Astra did not know touched her arm gently, and told her in a reassuring voice that Bellatrix Lestrange and her cohorts had been caught and would go to Azkaban for this.
At that point the kind of reassurance she wanted was different though – she didn't care what happened to the Lestranges as long as the Longbottoms would be okay. Astra looked over at the grey-haired Healer Moffat, who just shook his head resignedly, and suddenly she felt like screaming – shrieking like the now forever-tortured Alice, bawling like little Neville because there was nothing that could be done; the innocent round-faced girl who had been her best friend was worse than dead to them.
They would not recognise her now – worse still, they would not recognise their parents and their own son.
But Astra Tallis just nodded and swallowed, walking out of the room – luckily Augusta was busy shouting at a trainee healer so she didn't have to face her just yet - she couldn't face her just yet. She got on with her work as though it were a completely normal day, because she assured herself there would be a time for mourning later – there were people who could be saved still, and she couldn't just forego them because of her own losses.
And when people began to murmur around her as the afternoon progressed, and she heard phrases like "Sirius Black" and "broad daylight", she didn't really think much of it because it wasn't really a surprise if Sirius was making a mess of himself after the horrors of last night - alcohol was his solution to everything.
But then her friend and fellow healer Dan Colfer nervously confronted her with a copy of The Evening Prophet, which had been published early in today's heady rush of breaking news and there was a very handsome grey-eyed face on the front page, laughing, but there were words like "murderer" and "Azkaban" below his picture and paragraphs about how Peter Pettigrew was dead along with some innocent muggles, and she didn't understand it one bit.
"No", was all she said, shaking her head and backing away as Dan looked at her sympathetically.
The events of the day were suddenly weighing down on her, and she was torn between collapsing and giving up and marching out of the hospital and forcing someone to explain what the hell was going on. The war was supposed to be bloody over!
Tragedy had struck Astra harshly before though, and she refused to just sit around feeling sorry for herself. She made her excuses and left work early with the intention of going to Dumbledore, or the Ministry - but then it occurred to her that there was someone else was suffering more than she was; someone who had lost everything in the past 24 hours, and it was as such that she found herself knocking on the door of Remus Lupin's current address.
Moping around by herself would have been ridiculous, pointless, careless, but she could allow herself the indulgence of mourning with someone going through something similar to her - worse than her, in fact. It would serve as a reminder that she ought to appreciate what she had going for her.
It was true that Remus often looked tired and ill - it was a part of his condition - but when he opened the door that day he looked frail, dejected, and his blue eyes were hollow.
For a long time little was said, because they were both so full of the horrors, the disbelief about what had happened. The idea that the first three people who had accepted Remus so fully and unconditionally - his brothers - were lost to him forever seemed impossible, and Astra was still struggling to understand just what had happened. She understood that Sirius would have been upset about Lily and James, but why did he become homicidal and take it out on muggles and one of his oldest friends?
That was until Lupin explained to her in a grave voice the true awfulness of Black's crimes - Remus kept on calling him "Black", monotonously, unable to face-up to the idea that it had been his best friend Sirius, or even 'Padfoot' (at the time Astra wasn't really sure why they called each other those names - well, aside from 'Moony'). Lupin told her that as well as murdering poor Peter, Black had been Prongs' secret-keeper, his sole protector, and he had betrayed his best friend and his family to Voldemort; had been willing to kill another close friend and a group of muggles seemingly for fun and had laughed about it all.
It couldn't be true - it couldn't be their Sirius; but at the same time she saw that it had to be, and together they wondered bitterly just how much of Sirius's life with them had been a lie.
"We knew there was a spy", admitted Remus, agitatedly, "But I never thought for a second..."
"Well, of course you didn't!" Astra told him, placatingly, "He was James' best friend - I mean, he must have just been playing a part with us all for years." Her own words made her feel all cold and wrong inside - had it really all been a game to him?
"That's what I don't understand though", Lupin replied, running a hand through his hair and tapping his foot restlessly, "He'd always been one of us! Surely you don't just wake up one day and decide to betray your best friends to the enemy who you've always professed to hate? He always stood up for what he believed in, and I thought he was...I thought he was too brave to get involved with the Death Eaters." His voice cracked slightly as he spoke, disclosing the hurt beneath all his anger.
"I suppose...", she began, uncertainly, "I suppose he might have had to join them after Regulus died? They could have threatened him with something and forced him to join?"
"It...it's possible", Remus agreed, slowly, "But I always thought...well, the Sirius I knew would rather have died than betray his friends. But what Black did..." He growled, and said no more.
Astra nodded angrily as tears formed in her eyes at Lupin's cold, detached words, "I knew he could be an idiot, but I never thought he'd turn out to be such a bastard."
Lupin sighed, leaning his head back on the wall behind them before eventually replying, dejectedly, "It would seem that none of us really knew him at all."
They spent the rest of that evening in a similar position to that morning years later, slumped on a sofa with tears drying slowly on their cheeks as they remained in each other's arms, confused, shell-shocked and broken.