A/N : So this was supposed to be a one-shot but I decided to do it from Aaron's POV. It's probably a bit repetitive (sorry!) but I needed to write something after last night's episode (). Hope it's okay
AARON
We've fallen into a routine in those mornings I leave for work before him. I don't really remember when it started but like most things with Jackson it becomes a part of my day long before it occurs to me to wonder when or who started it. My alarm goes off at 7am and Jackson muffles something sleepily against his pillow. After a minute he shuffles slightly towards me and drops a kiss on my shoulder, draping his arm across my stomach as he yawns widely. The room is silent for a minute as we adjust to the morning. A lone bird chirps outside the window and I can hear a dog barking in the distance.
He starts this morning, his voice low and rumbling against my skin. He's talking about the meeting with his project supervisor he's got later this afternoon; what he thinks the objections to his chosen topic are gonna be; the arguments he's preparing just in case. I know enough about his topic to be able to add my tuppence here and there and he nods slightly, his stubble catching on my shoulder. I tell him about the dream I had last night; Paddy and Edna had bought the Woolpack and turned it into a roller disco. My alarm clock had gone off just as Edna had emerged on opening night in a sequin number, complete with sparkly skates.
He laughs at that, looking up at me as I turn my head towards him. "Your head is a scary, scary place," he grins and I just grin back at him; the morning already brighter with the knowledge that there are no nightmares to share this morning; no bad dreams. We'll both take Edna in sequins over that any day.
I lied before when I said I don't remember how this bit of our morning routine started. I do remember how; why it started. In the months after Jackson's accident he and Hazel were living in Declan's cottage. I'd pretty much moved in there with them after Jackson and I had gotten back together. Hazel had been wary at first; worried that Jackson would start to rely on me too much; still not convinced that I wasn't going to walk away when it got too hard. She'd come round though and we'd set up a camp bed beside Jackson's bed so I could sleep near him.
Jackson was still on some pretty strong meds; he took them every night to help him sleep. They seemed to wear off at the same time every morning; just before the sun started to rise and long before it was time to get up. I'm still not sure what would wake me; he never called out to me or made any noise. But inevitably I'd wake up not long after him to find him lying beside me looking at the ceiling. He'd turn his head and smile at me and I'd move up onto his bed beside him. I couldn't hold him but I'd rest my chin on his shoulder and keep my hand above his heart so I could feel it beating and we'd talk until it was time to start the day. It was there every morning, in his bed; our bed; that everything got stripped away. There was no putting a brave face on it; no pretending between us. He'd tell me about the nightmares he had during the night; the nightmares he had about the future. I'd talk about how scared I was that I wouldn't be able to cope; that I didn't want to make promises to him that I couldn't keep but at the same time I couldn't stay away. I think it was those morning talks that got us both through those months. It wasn't something I was used to; putting myself and my feelings out there. It wasn't something I'd done even with him before the accident. But life had changed and all my worries from before seemed insignificant in the face of what we were dealing with. It sounds funny but he was my lifeline through it. Being able to talk to him like that; knowing that he wasn't holding anything back from me; it was what kept us going.
And so even after he'd gotten better, when he'd started to walk again; we'd still do that. Early in the morning when the light was still dim and the air cold; we'd lie in our bed and talk before we had to start the day. Jackson's therapist said that it was healthy for our relationship whatever that meant. All I knew was that it was part of who we were now; part of what made us work. Sometimes we just talked about nothing; about whatever we had on that day; about something in the news; about something completely random. Like this morning. But I wouldn't change it for the world.
"You better go have a shower or you'll be late for work," he says after a bit. I groan and he grins at me; shoving at my shoulder as he buries himself back under the duvet. "Don't let the cold air in when you get out," he teases and just for that I lift the duvet off him as I get out.
"Dick," he yelps as he grabs at it and I smile my way into the bathroom.
He's asleep when I get out of the shower, head smushed against the pillow. The duvet has slipped a bit down his shoulder and I pull it up, tucking it in around him. He rubs his nose against the pillow and for a brief moment my heart clenches in my chest at just the sight of him lying here, so peaceful in our bed. I have a fleeting urge to jump back into bed beside him but I shake my head at my softness, rolling my eyes at myself. I'm still smiling as I go to work though.
I should have known that the day could only go downhill from there. Cain's in a ratty mood when I get in, going on about Ryan being late and then having a go at me for humming. As if.
He sends me over to deal with her when she comes in with the tow truck. The car doesn't look too damaged – the driver's side is crushed in, windscreen smashed but nothing we couldn't fix. She's probably the same age as Hazel but has a shadow about her face that makes the wisecrack about to come out of my mouth die on my lips. I notice she doesn't look at the car as it's being unloaded, turns her back to it forcing me to move around her.
"What can we do for you?" I ask after a minute of silence. She's silent and I'm starting to get impatient when she takes a deep breath and starts to talk. The car's her sons; was her sons because – she takes a shuddering breath as she says it – he's dead. And I don't know what to say; I just stand there dumbfaced but she doesn't even notice. She just keeps talking in a low, controlled voice; telling me what happened; seeming to need to say it out loud even though I'm a complete stranger. And as she talks; as she tells me about her son; about the night time single car crash that took him away from her; all I can see is him. Jackson. And it hits me all over again like some sort of a punch to my gut; taking my breath away; leaving me speechless in front of her. She's talking about her son but all I can see is Jackson. Jackson lying in the car; Jackson covered in blood; Jackson trapped in a hospital bed.
And then Cain's standing beside me and I don't know what's showing on my face but his face creases into what I just about recognise as his worried look. He shoves me in the direction of the garage; turning to the woman and guiding her gently towards the side; talking to her in a low, muffled voice.
I lean against the garage wall, trying to catch my breath and shake myself out of whatever that was. We've been to countless films with car crashes in them; the paper every second week has some car crash story in it and I can read all them without ever breaking a sweat. So why has this hit me like it's happening all over again right now. Why has it hit me like I'm losing him all over again?
Cain looks at me strangely when he's finished dealing with her but he doesn't ask and I don't know if I'm grateful or annoyed. Annoyance wins out. "What you staring at?" I glare at him for a minute before stalking over to the car I was working on.
The day crawls by and the need to get home to see him is like an itch under my skin. I'm almost annoyed by the time I get there; confused about what the hell is going on with me. And then I see him and the annoyance melts away and there's just this thump that I get when I'm with him sometimes. This thump that leaves me a little breathless and a little shaky. This thump that makes me want to burrow myself into him and never let him go.
He's asleep on the couch; curled up against the arm. I look down on him for a second; and I recognise that rush through my chest as relief. I reach out my hand, running it through his hair; gently tugging on the curls. I want to see his eyes; I need to. He opens them sleepily and yawns, stretching his arms above him. I bend down, brushing a kiss to his forehead; holding it for a moment. "Hey," I say as I pull back and I hear the undertone of the shake in my voice. I know he hears it; I can see his eyes soften but he doesn't say anything. He just reaches up to put his arms around my neck and tugs me over the back of the couch on top of him.
"Jackson," I can't help yelping as I fall, trying to keep my weight off him as I land. He just smiles and we look at each other for a long moment. I can see the questions in his eyes but again he doesn't say anything; he just keeps smiling, rubbing his hand along my back. Being close to him; feeling his body against mine sends inexplicable sadness and relief rushing through me. I need to be closer to him so I kiss him and I'm trying to take in as much as possible; the need to claim him overwhelming me. I pull away after a minute and rest my forehead against his as I catch my breath. He still doesn't speak; he just continues to rub lazy circles on my back.
After a minute I get up to put on the tea and put out my hand to help him up. "Come on you lazy lump, you can do the spuds."
"Aw baby, here I thought you were going to make me dinner," he grins at me.
"Don't call me that" the response is automatic but there's no heat behind it and he plants a loud kiss on my cheek as he passes by. I push at his shoulder but I can't hide the smile on my face. I've lost the habit of hiding from him but the thought doesn't scare me anymore. It's Jackson after all.
He's washing up after dinner; leaning against the sink and it hits me as I watch him; that this is where I feel safe. This is my whole world; here with him, eating dinner, talking about our day, being together. And the thought scares me; the woman's face from today flashes into my mind; the loss in her eyes. And that need to touch him hits me again; to know he's there even though I'm looking right at him.
I'm moving before I realise it; coming up behind him and wrapping my arms around his waist as I fit myself along his back. It's only when I rest my head on his shoulder and feel myself let out a breath that I realise how hard my heart had been pounding. My hand moves along his chest, needing to feel the beat and I breathe in and out in time with it, trying to settle the pounding in my heart.
I can feel him tense underneath me and he covers my hands with his. A trickle of water runs down our joined hands.
"You know you're scaring me a little," he says quietly.
I don't know how to explain it to him; don't even know how to explain it to myself. He waits for me to find the words and I say what's on the tip of my tongue even though I know it doesn't make any sense.
"I just...I just need to know you're here," it comes out in a rush and I feel my face heat up at my words.
"Okay," he says slowly. I can hear the unasked questions in his voice but he doesn't push. My heart swells with the feel of him; the knowledge of how well he knows me; how he trusts me and is there quietly; but strong. I kiss him gently on the cheek in silent thanks and I feel a little of the tenseness leave his body.
He falls asleep watching the film and I have to practically push him up the stairs. It only takes him a second to wake up though when I push him up against the wall, pressing my body against him. That need to claim him consumes me once more and I'm trying to reach every part of him at once. It's fast and hard and he moves with me; matching me pace for pace. Our eyes meet just before I come and it's all there written on his face; how much he loves me; and it floors me. We come together and I fall on him; automatically lifting my weight off him although my arms feel like jelly.
He rests his head on my chest and I pull him to me as I try to catch my breath. His breath starts to steady and I run my hand along his back; unconsciously finding the bumps that mark the scar on his back. My hand falters for a second as I take a sharp breath; the physical reminder of that whole year finally giving me the courage to tell him.
I tell him about the woman; about her son and how he died. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I put into words what I've been feeling all day.
"The whole time she was there, the whole time I was working on the car...all I could think of was...was you and what happened...you lying there in the van...and in the hospital...and..." the tears choke in my throat as the memories overwhelm me; the alternative future without him takes over.
And then he's there beside me; his fingers brushing the tears away from my cheek. "Hey, hey," he says gently "I'm right here, I'm right here." As ever it's just what I need to hear from him and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. I brush at the tears on my face and open my eyes to see him looking at me; no judgement on his face.
"I know, I'm just being stupid but if I lost you...if..." I can't finish it but I don't need to. I see the understanding in his eyes and I close mine; trying to fight the pictures that are fighting to break through. I feel his lips on my forehead and it chases them away; the thoughts; the memories. When I open my eyes he's looking at me and I don't try to hide; showing everything I feel for him on my face.
He doesn't say anything; he just rolls onto his back; pulling me with so he's holding me; my head resting on his chest. He pulls me tighter to him and I smile a little, pressing a kiss to his chest. It's only when I feel the beat of his heart underneath my hand that I let myself relax. He notices, tightening his arms around me; surrounding me. I'm not even surprised any more at how he knows what I need; knows even before I even do.
And after a while I feel myself starting to drift into sleep. I'm not afraid of any nightmares tonight and I let myself fall; surrounded by my whole world.