Yeah, when did I update this? Two years ago? Hah.
My reason for posting is at the bottom. Enjoy.
After leaving the boys and my dad (I won't be getting used to that) at the Sandlot, I decided to walk around the town to see how much it had changed in the 31 years. I've visited this place a couple times- hell, that's why the Sandlot was there. When I was hit by the ball, we were in the middle of our first tournament- and our first travel game. They'd redone the baseball field that my dad had always played at when he was a kid.
Dad was right- the first time I played at the Sandlot would be special. I went back in freakin' TIME.
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I turned around. Oh no. They were everywhere.
"How did you know we were following you?" Ham asked obnoxiously.
"My tremendous intuitive sense of the male creature." Well, that was partly true. I had also heard somebody belching. "So what do you want?"
They just stood there staring. I literally could not believe this. My father and his former friends are stalking me for no particular reason. "What do you want?" I repeated.
"Well-" Uncle Benny began sheepishly, but I cut him off. "Forget it. Leave me alone." I turned and continued walking down the road. When I had rounded the corner, they had dispersed in separate directions. I kicked a pebble as I continued down the road.
"Psst!"
I stopped. "What the hell?" I said out loud. I glanced around. There wasn't a soul in sight.
"Who's there?" I said to no one in particular. "I'm armed!" I would be if I could find a disposable camera, a soldering gun, a sixteen gage wire and a screwdriver.
I heard what I thought was footsteps. I glanced around again, heart beating, desperately searching for a potential weapon in my perpetual vision. I heard a twig snap and I leapt into a Charlie's Angels pose only to find a vicious…pekepoo?
The little furball was sitting innocently in front of an empty lot. I smiled a little. "Hey there, little guy." The dog barked once and ran over to me. I bent down and petted his little head. "What's your name?" I noticed the dog collar. The tag glowed Sunshine.
The dog suddenly hopped away from me, barking and running in circles. I wondered what on Earth could be so terrible to make this thing lose its head. The dog then shot off into the house that was definitely not there three seconds ago.
You know the idiots in the horror flicks who you scream at for the entire movie, and you always claim that they'd be alive if they'd just listened to you?
I decided to play the idiot today. I followed the dog into the house where I saw a man sitting on a large pouf, meditating. He looked way too familiar.
"You're…Bertram?" The guy just nodded once. "And this is Sunshine." He stroked the dog's head. I almost felt chills. I wanted him to speak in a Brooklyn accent. "My dad told me about you. You got really into the sixties and nobody ever saw you again."
"Indeed I did, child." Seriously, what the hell. My life couldn't get any weirder.
"Crumpet?"
It just did.
I sat down on a flower-shaped pouf and took the crumpet and the herbal tea. Just the smell made me gag. I wanted Coke, dammit!
"So how did you get back here, future-Bert?" I asked. He looked into his teacup as though contemplating my answer while I took the moment euthanize a sickly-looking plant by dumping my tea into it.
"I decided to move on after the team broke up."
Clearly. And now you are here, smoking salvia and drinking dirt.
"I chose to live my life in this way."
"And how did that turn out for you?" I asked coolly.
"Well…I'm your spirit guide now." He shrugged coyly. Sunshine barked indignantly (or so I thought.) I stared. "I thought spirit guides were animals."
"Okay, technically, Sunshine is your spirit guide. I'm just your guardian." He glared at the dog, who sat there smugly. "There's your credit."
"I'm leaving now." I told him. I stood up and walked toward the front door.
"Back to your bench?" I stopped and turned.
"Listen, Bertram Grover Weed. I've had enough of this nonsense. I want to go home."
"Your dad wanted you to understand how his childhood was, right?" I shrugged. "It might've come up."
"Shall we look into my crystal ball?" Oh, so now he's a pothead gypsy?
I was suddenly hit with a flashback. I was sitting at the kitchen table. Dad was comparing scores from the last major league game and discussing statistics while on the phone with Uncle Benny, Mom was in her study going over some legal shit for some case she was doing, and I was in my study- the kitchen- tossing a baseball up and down and my feet were on the table.
Dad suddenly came in. "Hey, sweetie. Are we inviting Uncle Squints to your game since Mom and I can't go?" I turned to stare at him. "You-can't-go? Again?"
"I've got important stuff with Uncle Benny to figure out. Honey, I'll be at the next game-"
"No you WON'T Dad. And why do you always send your weird friends to my games instead of you?"
"Because they love you. I don't get to see the guys much anymore. It's nice to know that they're hanging out with my daughter."
"That's just WEIRD, Dad. Sammy OUT."
"Come on. If YOUR dad was sending his creepy friends to your baseball games, you'd get it."
His head dropped. "Scotty's friends were really important to him, Sam; you've got to understand that."
I sighed. "Dude, listen, can you lay off the smokes so I can stay her tonight? I need a shower."
"I'm your guardian, remember? You're staying here with me until you've learned your lesson."
"Whatever, guardian creeper."
This is going to sound so weird, but I just saw Miley Cyrus' bong video and I remembered my original idea for this chapter, so I typed away.