Disclaimer: Don't own.
"Nope. Not safe. Not going back that way. No, no, no."
"Aw, and I was just going to ask if I could go shopping with the nutters…" Amy sighed, stumbling to keep up with the Doctor. He stopped in the middle of the path, eyes wide.
"Are you mad, Amy? They nearly killed you! Let me tell you, marble is not exactly like grass. You hit your head off that, and bam, you're-"
"Doctor, can you not recognise sarcasm?" she rolled her eyes and continued walking ahead. "Where are we going, anyway?"
"Anywhere but the city."
Beyond the fence seemed to be a completely opposite world from the pristine white of the city they had landed in about ten minutes before. Almost every lamp post was either broken, battered, graffitied, or just not standing upright at all. The ground looked like it could have once been grass, but years of neglect had turned it to pitiful dirt, and the gravely remains of a road were what the Doctor and Amy were treading now. The stars shone more clearly out here, as there was no city lights to hide them, and the broken streetlamps gave off very little light.
"So… why d'you think the TARDIS brought us here?" Amy wondered aloud, staring up at the sky, which was rapidly filling with dark, heavy clouds.
"No idea, if you want the honest truth. I'm still thoroughly confused. The sonic readings are adamant that this is Earth, but all the video screens say that this is Planet Mall. Unless there's been a rupture in the time stream, and we are currently in a paradox, oh, not good, extremely very not good. However the sonic might just be needing recharged, in which case-"
"Doctor, you're rambling again."
"Sorry."
They continued to walk in silence; the cool wind picking up and playing with the dust which Amy dragged her converses through. She rubbed her arms quickly, trying to muster some heat in her body.
She wished she'd brought a jacket. Or some trousers, at least. Short skirts really weren't good in this weather.
"You're cold." The Doctor stated, noticing the goosebumps on Amy's arms.
"'Course I'm cold! It's bloody freezing out here, and I don't have a jacket!"
Wordlessly, the Doctor took his tweed jacket off and handed it to Amy.
"Won't you get cold?"
"I'm not human. I'll stay warmer for longer." He grinned, offering her the jacket once more, and she took it, slipping it over her shoulders and embracing its warmth.
Just as they started moving again, large, fat drops of rain started to fall in a sudden downpour from the skies, and Amy screeched in shock.
"Just our luck, eh?" she muttered, pulling the coat over her head like a funny tweed blanket. They started to jog ahead, the rain coming down in cold, grey sheets, and the dirt slowly turning to mud under their soles. After a few more minutes of slipping about, they spotted a long abandoned van just off the side of the road, and sprinted towards it as the rain got even heavier.
The Doctor ended up in the drivers seat, pushing his sodden hair out of his face and leaning back in the chair. Amy tried using the jacket to towel dry her hair, but that plan failed miserably, and her hair was left sticking up in every direction. She caught sight of it in the cracked rear-view mirror and groaned.
"Ah, don't worry, Pond. We'll find you a hairbrush soon. If we ever find our way back to the TARDIS. It's not like we could ask someone for directions, is there?" he grinned, kicking his feet up onto the steering wheel. "How about a sing song to pass the time, eh?" he clapped his hands gleefully, and Amy groaned again.
"Ugh. Only you would think of something like that at a time like this…" she pouted, but nevertheless found herself joining in with the Doctor's (pretty bad) rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody.
However, their little singsong was cut short as the van doors were flung open, and the two were dragged forcefully from their seats.
"Amy!" The Doctor cried, thrashing against his unseen attacker as his companion did the same. He found himself pushed forcefully up against the bonnet of the van, a man's hand grasping his throat. Amy was opposite him in the arms of a crazy-looking blonde woman (wearing a pair of shorts even shorter than Amy had ever dared wear), putting up quite a fight. She stopped suddenly when she felt a sharp wire pressed against her neck. The tweed jacket lay discarded in a puddle.
"Talk quick, bitch! Where did you and your boyfriend get those words!" she screeched, tugging on a lock of Amy's hair, causing her to wince in pain.
"What words? Get off!" she demanded, attempting to kick the girl. She missed, and it only earned her another pull of her hair.
"I'm not her boyfriend!" the Doctor gasped out, managing to throw the burly man off him. How he did it, he had no idea. His sudden freedom didn't last long though, as the man tripped him up and sent him sprawling to the ground, twisting his arms behind his back before he could get up or reach his jacket.
"You've read the fragments, you know the holy texts! An' he calls you Amy. Amy who? Amy Winehouse? Amy Macdonald? Amy Lee? Who're ya named after?" the blonde girl demanded. Her accent was Scottish, just like Amy's.
"I don't know what you're on about! Let me go!"
"Exactly! Spies, both of 'em! They must be, Brit!" the girl exclaimed. "You know the words from the texts! Where did ya learn 'em?"
"T-texts? I don't know any words from the texts! I don't even know what the texts are!" Amy stammered, as the wire was pulled tighter. "I just know the words to the song!"
"Aye, but where did ya learn them!"
"When I was little!" she argued pathetically, now struggling for air. "I just know them! Let me go!" she kicked out again.
Suddenly, the wire was released, and Amy was pushed to the ground, gasping for oxygen.
"Leave her alone! We just learnt the words, all right? Years ago. We just know them!" The Doctor butted in, giving up in his struggle with Brit. "I was singing there too, she's not the only one at fault here!"
"Test 'em." The girl stated, glaring up at Brit.
"Meat… I highly doubt they're spies. They're dressed like Bohemians, know the songs…"
"Don't 'Meat' me! Test 'em!"
A silence fell over the small group. Amy got to her knees, and Brit released the Doctor, who scurried over to Amy's aid.
"I didn't mean let him go! They're gonna run!" Meat cried, frantic. She tightened the wire in her hands and set a scowl on her face, ready for a fight if they decided to scarper.
"No, look, we're not gonna run! We're just gonna sit here and let you do the… test…" the Doctor blurted, his arms up. Meat didn't look convinced. She looked up at Brit once more, and he sighed, standing up straighter and adjusting his sunglasses.
"Mamma, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead…" he trailed off and wheeled on Amy and the Doctor, pointing a finger at them, evidently wanting one of them to continue.
"Mamma, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away" Amy blurted quickly, emitting a sudden yelp of terror as Meat grabbed her hair again.
"See! They know the texts! Did you sneak in, then? Did Globalsoft send ya? Courtesy o' the Killer Queen hersel'?" Meat growled, as Brit pulled her back.
"I taught her them!" The Doctor jumped up, once again trying to turn the blame on himself.
"And where did you learn 'em?"
"I… can't remember. I just know that I know the lyrics."
Brit successfully managed to drag a hot-tempered Meat away from the two on the ground, giving her a quick smack round the back of the head.
"Meat! Babes, calm down, think straight for a minute. They're dressed like Bohemians, judging by the state of them they're on the run, and he knows the words from the text without ever reading them! He might be the guy we've been looking for!" Brit told her, pushing his sunglasses onto the top of his head and looking her in the eye.
"Him? The Dreamer! Don't be daft! He looks pathetic!" she argued, glancing back at the pair.
"Are you okay?" The Doctor asked Amy, fishing his jacket out of the puddle and pulling out his sonic screwdriver, checking her over for the second time that evening.
"Just peachy…" she gasped, rubbing her throat. "Bunch of nutters! Why can't we go somewhere where the first people we meet don't want to kill us?"
"What would be the fun in that?" he retorted, scowling at his sopping jacket. "Ugh, this was dry clean only!" he moaned. His hand flew up to his neck. "Bow tie's still here though, good."
Meat glowered at Brit, tucking the wire back into the top of her corset, crossing her arms. "Hmph. You'll be sayin' she's the Bad-Assed Babe, next!"
"Babe, it fits. Think about it!" Brit pleaded, draping his arm around her shoulder.
"Fine! We'll bring 'em back to the Heartbreak! But if any Yuppies appear and we die, I swear I'm gonna bring you back to life and kill you all over again!"
The Doctor helped Amy to her feet and dusted himself off just as Meat and Brit turned back around.
"Right. You two need to come with us!"