Disclaimer – I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! or Shakespeare

*Rated T for Teen

All's Well That Ends Well

Act II, Scene II – Rousillon – The Count's Palace

The Countess/Yugi made his entrance with Lavache/Bakura—the Clown—at his heels. Lavache/Bakura, dressed very much like a Kuriboh, followed the Countess/Yugi to the center of the stage. Yugi had a long, light blue dress on with pink trimming and a short blonde wig. It made him look a lot like the Dark Magician Girl. He actually looked rather cute dressed that way.

"Come on, dear sir. I am going to put you at the height of your breeding," said the Countess/Yugi.

"Well, my lady, I will show that I am fed in the upper class, but have the knowledge of a lowly one. My only business is in the court," Lavache/Bakura replied confusedly.

"To the court!" the Countess/Yugi replied haughtily. "Why? Why does that place make you so special when you put it off with such disapproval?"

"Well, my lady. If God had lent a man any real manners, he could easily put it off at court. A man cannot make a leg, take off its cap, kiss his hand and say nothing, having neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap. Such an individual is not for the court, but for me. I have an answer that will serve all men," Lavache/Bakura replied wittily.

"Okay…that's a…plentiful answer that fits all questions," the Countess/Yugi responded, a bit puzzled.

"Look at it this way," Lavache/Bakura began. "It's like a barber's chair that fits all asses; the pin-asses, the square-asses, the brawn-asses, or any asses."

What is he talking about? Is that even in the script? thought Yugi. "Um…will your answer be able to fit all questions?

"As the nail to its hole; as the cuckold to its horn; as a scolding queen to a bickering knave; as a nun's lip to a friar's mouth-no! As the pudding to its skin; as-"

"Okay! Okay! I get the idea!" the Countess/Yugi interrupted, waving his arms frantically. "Do you have an answer that fits all questions?"

Lavache/Bakura smirked. "From below your duke to beneath your constable, my lady. My answer will fit any question."

The Countess/Yugi sighed in anguish. "Then it must be a rather long answer in order for it to fit any question."

"Not really," he replied matter-of-factly. "If the educated should speak the truth of it, that is, and all that belongs to it. Oh! Ask me if I am a noble! Ask me if I am a noble! It will do you no harm to learn!"

Why is Bakura so hyper? "If only I were young again. But I will be a fool and ask you this question. Perhaps it will make me wiser. Are you a noble?" asked the baffled Countess/Yugi.

"Oh, Lord, sir! There is a simple putting off. More! More! A hundred of them!" he mocked in his upper class tone.

The Countess/Yugi forced a laugh. "Sir, I do think I am a poor friend who loves you."

"Oh, Lord, sir! Thick! Thick! Spare not me!" he mocked again.

The Countess/Yugi decided to…play along. "Good noble, I don't think you can eat this plain meat."

"Oh, Lord, sir! No! You can put me to it! I demand you!" Now Lavache/Bakura was getting out of hand.

"You were whipped recently, weren't you?" the Countess/Yugi deadpanned, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Oh, Lord, sir! Spare not me!" Lavache/Bakura cried.

"Did you cry 'Oh, Lord sir!' when you were whipped? And 'Spare not me!'? I think your 'Oh, Lord, sir!' is very…sequent to your whipping. I do believe you'd answer very well to a whipping…if you were bound to it, that is," the Countess/Yugi mumbled. Lavache/Bakura was actually starting to creep him out a bit. He was getting a little too into the role, in his opinion.

"I never had worse luck in my life in my 'Oh, Lord, sir!' I happen to see things that will serve me for a long time!" Lavache/Bakura continued.

"Great. I play the noble housewife with the time to entertain myself so happily with a fool," the Countess/Yugi grumbled.

"Oh, Lord, sir! Why? There! It serves well again!"

"Stop it!" the Countess/Yugi screamed, panting heavily. There was only so much he could take and he was ending it now. Screw the damn play. He quickly handed a letter to Lavache/Bakura. "Give this to Helena and urge her to reply back immediately. Commend me to my kinsmen and my son, Bertram. That isn't much!" he screeched hurriedly.

"Not much commendation to them," Lavache/Bakura smirked.

"Not much employment for you! Do you understand me?"

"Yes! I am there before my legs!" he replied comically.

"Hurry up and go!" the Countess/Yugi screamed, chasing him off the stage.

End Scene