"Oomph!"

Shinji groaned audibly as the punch connected.

Kensuke winced, offering his condolences to the track-suited jock's victim of the day. "It's nothin' personal. He does this to all the new kids."

"This'll teach you to mess with my little nephew!"

"I didn't know you had a nephew! I swear!" wailed the sixth grader, clutching his stomach.

Toji narrowed his eyes, turning and leaving the boy sprawled on the pavement behind him as he walked back toward the main building, pumping his fist.

Shinji and Kensuke spared the boy a pained, apologetic glance before following after Toji.

"You've really got to quit doing that," Kensuke sighed, pushing up his glasses as they headed back to their desks. "Besides, nobody really believes that you've got that many relatives anyway."

"Yeah, maybe you're right," Toji considered as he picked up his backpack off the floor to take home. "I guess it's just what I've always done; it'd feel weird to stop all of a sudden."

NGE: The Cutting Room Floor
Episode 36: Attack of the M&Ms

Asuka had already left with Hikari, telling Shinji not to bother waiting up for her. She hadn't said much to him all day, but his best guess was that she was still agitated with him for...Shinji wasn't totally sure why, actually. One of her usual Asuka reasons, he surmised. As such, his company on the way back to the apartment would instead be kept by Kensuke and Toji until their paths diverged to their separate homes.

Toji strutted ahead of the others as the three strolled together through downtown Tokyo-3. Kensuke was carrying a model airplane and making onomatopoeic gun noises to himself that made Shinji wince a little in embarrassment.

"Can you believe all the homework we got assigned?" Toji palmed his face in irritation. "It's like the old guy wanted to keep us busy for the next week so he could spend it talking about pre-Second Impact radishes."

Kensuke shrugged. "I'll probably end up doing it for ya anyway, so what do you care, Toji?"

"It's da principle of the thing," said Toji, grimacing.

Approaching his street, Shinji turned and waved goodbye as he headed back to Misato's apartment for the evening. "I'll see you guys tomorrow!"

"See ya, Ikari!" Toji shouted. "Don't let the red devil bugs bite!"

Shinji groaned inwardly but said nothing else as he left, not feeling like explaining to Toji that he was mixing metaphors again. He didn't really understand how Toji had somehow managed to extend what began as a slap and a flashing into a months-long vendetta, but he had long since stopped trying to rationalize the behavior of those around him.

"Damn it, Yoji, that turtle thing blew up five blocks! The apartment next door is covered in purple alien gunk, and the supermarket's under martial law. We've got to get the hell out of here."

"But I just got a great fixed-rate mortgage!" Newly-wedded Yoji Agano threw up his hands in frustration. "If we can hold out long enough, all this nonsense will pass, and just think about our property value! We'll never have to work another day in our lives!"

"Yeah, since we'll be dead!" shouted Michiko, glaring at her husband from across the kitchen table.

"What's gotten into you, darling?" Yoji asked. "It's like you've become a completely different person since our honeymoon."

Michiko stood up in her seat, staring daggers through him. "Our honeymoon? In case you've somehow conveniently forgotten, our honeymoon didn't include a grotesque parody of a Chinese New Year float killing everything outside our window!"

"R-relax, honey," said Yoji, smiling nervously. "Aliens are just a phase, like hovercars and gelatin. In a year or two they'll all be gone."

"You don't like my gelatin casserole?" shrieked Michiko. "Why the hell do I make it for you, then?"

"I- I, dear, I-" Yoji stammered, trying to find a complete word somewhere as he watched his wife pick her plate up off the table and shatter it on the floor, "That- that's not what I meant, darling! Put the- no, not the dishes, n-not again, ah-"

"It's never what you mean!" Another dish shattered. "One of these days, Yoji, you're going to have to take responsibility for what you get yourself into!"

"But-"

Michiko smashed a set of expensive glasses to the floor. "We're living in a hellhole where we could die tomorrow and you tell me to hang on because it's a financial investment?"

"D-ear, don't you think you're over-reacting?" Yoji said, wincing. "Why don't you just set your Penfield mood organ to husband-knows-best, and we'll-"

"Here's what you can do with your goddamn mood organ!" Michiko narrowly missed Yoji's head with a plate.

Yoji ducked under the table as his wife began hurling whatever else was available to throw.

"You really think that's why they call 'em VCRs?" Toji Suzuhara looked curiously at Kensuke. "That's not what grandpa said."

"'Course it is, Toji! Sometimes I really wonder about your family," Kensuke said as they walked past a playground surrounded by a chain-link fence.

"Yeah, you were sayin' that before, too," Toji shrugged. "I guess I've just had a weird upbringin'."

Kensuke scratched his nose. "Well, that's one way of puttin' it- Toji, look out!"

Toji stopped in his tracks-and was hit square in the forehead by a round, blunt falling object.

"Toji!" Kensuke rushed over to where his friend lay supine on the pavement.

A dented coconut rolled away from Toji's head as he groaned feebly.

"You alright? We should get you to the hospital or somethin', that looked like it hit pretty hard!" Kensuke's eyes scanned the area trying to discern the origin of the projectile, but saw nothing but a line of apartment windows, many of them open. It coulda been from any of them, I guess. Poor Toji.

Toji put his hand to his forehead, wincing. He looked up at the boy who knelt beside him. "Don' worry 'bout me, smallboy. Ah gotta hard noggin, it ain't break that easy."

"T..Toji? You're just messin' around, right?"

"I ain't messin' nothin'," Toji declared as he picked himself up from the sidewalk and dusted himself off. "Back when ah was a young'n, Pap used 'ta hit me wit' coconuts whenev'r ah done stealed from his 'tater patch."

Kensuke stared at him, eyes widening in horror.

"C'mon, smallboy, less' get you home."

"AaAaAAAh! You really haven't played Super Death Bastards?" Asuka asked in disbelief, plopping herself down onto Hikari's rug.

"N-no...that sounds pretty violent, Asuka...we do have Pony Patrol, though," Hikari replied meekly.

"Well, I guess it'll have to do." Asuka made herself comfortable, crossing her legs. "Do the ponies kick each other to death or something, at least?"

Her freckled friend chuckled nervously. "Um..I don't think they're supposed to, at least." Running one of her hands idly through her hair, she compromised, "I guess you could try..."

"Sheesh, your taste in video games is hopeless," said Asuka with a hmph. "I bet you don't like Goretron 4 either."

Hikari sighed. "We don't have to play video games if you don't want." She looked distant.

Asuka stared at her thoughtfully. "Don't tell me you're still thinking about how to win over dork-for-brains?"

"A-Asuka!" Hikari blushed furiously. "It's not-" She looked at her lap in embarrassment. "D..do you think he'd notice me if I brought him lunch?"

"Well, it's sappy and sentimental and girly, but I guess it could work," Asuka admitted, chewing a finger. "It's probably still too subtle for that thickheaded jock, though. I think he has astronaut ice cream where his cerebral cortex is supposed to go."

Hikari looked at the floor dejectedly. "Gosh, boys are so confusing," she said, in one of her more profane moments to date.

"This yaw house, smallboy. Ah tells ya, you 'kin tell a lot about a man by th' look'a 'is house, an' ah 'kin tell this one's yaw's."

Kensuke was more patient than most would give him credit for. Having followed the boy's seemingly aimless jaunt for the better part of an hour, he was mostly just worried about his friend. "Toji, I don't live anywhere near here. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"Ah's feelin' mighty fine, smallboy; don'tcha worry abou' ol' me. Ain't that yo house o're yonder?"

"Toji, that's a potato chip factory," he said through a loud coughing fit, holding his glasses as he used his hand to fan away the smog from the smokestacks.

Squinting at the low sun, Toji inspected the building in question before breaking out into laughter. "They ain't make 'taters in smokey-shops. Them's where child'n come from," he explained, pointing at a window through which a man could be seen packing chip bags on an assembly line.

Kensuke sighed exasperatedly. This isn't going anywhere good, he thought. "C'mon, Toji. Let's get you to the hospital."

"What do you mean he seems perfectly fine?"

The doctor shrugged, setting down a stack of papers on a nearby table. "It sounds like a normal Osaka accent to me."

Kensuke looked at him in disbelief. "But...b-but, what about.."

"Ah told yeh ah ain't got nothin' wrong up here," Toji assured him, pointing to his temple.

"Are you kidding me? Do you hear him?"

The doctor smiled condescendingly. "The ways of the Osakans may seem quaint to us, but they have a rich cultural heritage of their own."

"C'mon, smallboy," Toji said, lightly nudging Kensuke out the door. "'S'gettin' awful late, we oughta get home befo'e them ghosties come on out."

Shinji walked into the classroom the next day to see Asuka already at her desk, playing with her Wonder Swan. She had stayed over the previous night at Hikari's place, he figured.

"Um, hey...what's up?" he asked bashfully.

Asuka looked up, glaring at him. "You still don't even know why I'm mad, do you? You're the worst, Third!"

Shinji flinched. "N-no, I do know! It's um...er..uh..."

Asuka continued to glare at him, hiding her disappointment. Damn it, he doesn't know why I'm supposed to be mad at him, either. It's way too embarrassing to just ask...

The two glanced over at Toji expectantly. This was usually the point where he would say that they were fighting like a married couple, causing them to blush in unison, but today he just stared vacantly ahead, chewing on a piece of straw.

"Hey, what gives?" Asuka narrowed her eyes at Toji. "Aren't you going to harass me and stupid Shinji?"

The tracksuited jock looked at her innocently. "This 'un?" He paused for a moment to look at her for an answer, still chewing. "Ah reckon it wou'n't be proper ta' harass a dame like y'self-"

Kensuke shot up from his seat, hastily covered Toji's mouth with his hand, and chuckled nervously. "It looks like the class lovebirds are goin' at it again!" he said, taking up the slack from Toji, who continued to speak inaudibly through Kensuke's hand.

Shinji and Asuka blushed deeply, making their usual protestations that they despised each other and wished each other immediate bodily harm.

The bell rang for the start of class, and Kensuke sighed in relief as everyone returned to their seats when their teacher entered the room to begin the day's lessons.

When the bell rang for lunch, Kensuke pulled Shinji aside into a corner of the room.

"Listen, I don't know what's going on but somethin' happened to Toji yesterday!"

Shinji stared blankly at his bespectacled friend.

"Y-you saw he was actin' weird today, right?"

Shinji blinked. "I didn't really notice. What was I supposed to be looking for?"

Kensuke's face fell. "You didn't notice that he's acting like he's seriously brain-damaged, Ikari?" he said wearily.

"Uh... Maybe I'll just have to pay closer attention. He seemed pretty normal to me."

"You really didn't see anything different? What about the stra-"

Asuka's smirking face suddenly appeared over Shinji's shoulder, prompting him and Kensuke both to jump. "The jock?" she inquired cheerfully. "He seems smarter, what'd you do to him?"

Kensuke found himself at a loss for words. He seems smarter? Have I stepped into the Twilight Zone?

"Well? Don't just stand there with your jaw hanging open!"

"I-it was a.. a coconut!" Kensuke flailed his arms around above his head in demonstrative pantomime as he spoke. "It fell from the sky and hit him in the head!"

Asuka narrowed her eyes condescendingly. "A coconut? From the sky?" She snorted. "Get real, penis breath. A coconut descended from the heavens to bestow its blessings upon him."

"It's true! You believe me, right, Ikari?" Kensuke turned to Shinji hopefully, but received only a tolerant smile and an indecisive murmur.

Asuka shrugged and returned to her seat by Hikari to finish her lunch. "Hey, maybe you and the jock have a chance after all," she whispered conspiratorially. "He's acting like he finally got a brain upgrade or something."

"Golly.." mouthed a blushing Hikari, her heart aflutter. So, that's it, then. I'll bring him lunch tomorrow, and see what he does.

Major Misato Katsuragi sat beside Dr. Ritsuko Akagi at the bridge, the two of them sipping coffee from paper cups. Misato glanced up from her paperwork to see her friend reading a massive cloth-bound book.

"Wow, War and Peace? That's pretty heavy stuff," said Misato. "I didn't think you read anything that doesn't involve biology or cats."

Ritsuko's face reddened imperceptibly against her bleached blonde hair as she paged through issue 37 of Hello Kitty's Adventures in Catnip Village, which she had hidden between the pages of Tolstoy's novel in order to maintain a pretense of professionality.

"A scientist has to be well-rounded, you know," answered Ritsuko sententiously, adjusting her glasses. "I deal with human nature too, not just genetic engineering."

Misato tuned her out, sensing the head of Project E about to enter lecture mode. Having been best friends since college, the two women hated each other dearly.

"So," Misato interjected after a brief pause, "Have you decided who the pilot of Unit 03 is going to be yet?"

"The Marduk Report has narrowed it down to two candidates; we should get the final results back by this evening," said Ritsuko. "Which reminds me..." She rummaged around in the pockets of her lab coat, extracting a folded sheet of paper and handing it across the table to her companion. "Our public opinion polls came back today. It looks like most people think of us either as 'Space Nazis' or 'That Place That Kills Kids.'"

Misato palmed her face. "What happened to our cover story about manufacturing laptops? Doesn't anyone believe that anymore?"

Ritsuko sipped her coffee nonchalantly. "That whole charade has been impossible to keep up ever since the first Angel attack on the city. Nobody really thinks that the Angels are optical illusions caused by gas leaks, either."

"Huh."

"The public's trust in Nerv is at an all-time low. The Commander wants the Director of Public Relations to make a series of PSAs to boost our image," Ritsuko continued.

"We have a Director of Public Relations?" Misato asked, tilting her head quizzically.

"We do as of today. Congratulations!" Ritsuko turned towards Misato, a sadistic smile marking her features.

Misato laid her head on her desk, utterly broken. 'Avenge Second Impact,' they told me. I should've just taken that job with Sea World.