07 I Hate You
When he stopped the car downtown he said, "Look, there's Irwin."
"Oh?" asked Delilah. "Are we there?"
"No, we're here," he said, taking off his seatbelt. "I think I'll apologise to Irwin for the things I said to him."
"Oh. That's nice of you."
"Well, he's not bad."
"Well! This is a completely unexpected streak of human decency."
"I've never apologised to someone before," he said, getting out of the car. "But I'll try anything once..."
He called Irwin's name, parading up to him like a bird in mating season, and Irwin stopped walking and turned around.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"I want to apologise for losing my cool."
Irwin sighed. "Well, to be honest, I was thinking of doing the same," he said. "It was stupid to freak out over such a dumb thing."
"I can understand you freaking out, Irwin," said Adam generously. "After all, Delilah did turn you down for her plans with me."
Irwin bristled. "Well, I can't help it if she doesn't have any taste," he said, "but I started the scrap, Adam. I shouldn't have said that if your golbat bit you it would die of alcohol poisoning."
"You didn't start it, matey!" Adam insisted. "I did! I said you dress like an accident going somewhere to happen; that's what got it going."
"No, it didn't! You went apeshit when I said if you had to make a speech on what you know about pokémon, the silence would be unbearable!"
"It's not true and you know it! You carried on like a wild man when I said you part your hair on the side because your mind is unbalanced!"
"Look, asshole! Don't tell me who started the scrap because I did!"
"Like hell you did! I distinctly remember starting it so don't be such a pertinacious...piloswine!"
"Piloswine? Who are you calling piloswine, you charmeleon hothead FREAK?"
Adam began to rip off his Yves Saint Laurent hacking jacket. "And to think I was going to apologise to you! Well, I don't care who started it! I meant every word I said, CREEP!"
"Yeah, well, me too, JERK!"
Delilah scrambled out of the car, calling, "Hey!"
"Well, I feel better now, Delilah," Adam panted as both of them stood there roughed up and breathing hard. "Now neither of us is fit to be seen with you."
"What a very mature conclusion," she said.
"Don't talk to me like that!" said Adam.
"Oh, don't act like you're blameless, Adam! This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen! How infantile! I know it would be too much to expect sophomoric, and I wouldn't even presume asking for juvenile, but couldn't we move on to childish, at least?"
"Is three o'clock behind the playground childish enough?" asked Irwin.
"It would certainly elicit a boyish giggle from these dewy young lips," Adam snarled.
"That's a laugh," Delilah scoffed. "Just say the word, and I'll quietly remove myself so you can explore your relationship privately."
Irwin looked like he was going to throw up; Adam wore his usual "have-a-nice-day" look.
"I'm sure there's a way to settle this," said Irwin.
"There is," said Adam, taking Delilah by the elbow. "Delilah comes with me, and you go home."
She shook him off. "Stop being such an overwhelming jerk, Adam!"
"Yeah!" added Irwin.
"And Irwin, stop being such an insufferable chump! Nobody has the right of way here! Maybe I'll just go home!"
Adam frowned. "No, you won't," he sneered.
Delilah was suddenly very angry. "Adam, there's no reason why I should do whatever you tell me!" she said. "Maybe I don't feel like it."
He stood there seething, apparently struggling for several moments to find words that would convey the richness and complexity of emotion he was undoubtedly feeling. Finally he settled on, "Bollocks!"
"Why? You're the one who asked me. I would be perfectly content staying home."
"Delilah sure can play you for a patsy," said Irwin smugly.
"She does not," Adam snapped truthfully.
"Face it, Adam: all that matters to you is a pretty face."
"That's absurd," said Adam, gesturing forcefully at Delilah. "Would I ignore that sort of body?"
"What an awful thing to say!"
They started to bicker again and Delilah tried to think. Technically speaking, going with Adam was the better option, considering it was in fact for a good cause, but that would be rewarding his undesirable behavior. There had to be a punishing consequence she could apply; she really didn't want to use the Least Reinforcing Stimulus, which would probably be leaving him to go by himself.
The problem was that she didn't really have a lot of power over Adam or his decisions; all she had to work with was the fact that he wanted her to come with him to the underground warehouse—she had proven yesterday that she was the superior trainer, but how important was it to him that she come?
She wanted to punish his behavior, which, as in pokémon training, could be done in two ways: removing a desirable consequence, or applying an undesirable one. A desirable consequence could be Delilah going with him; however, this could stray into LRS territory if he eventually decided he didn't need her after all.
She couldn't use extinction.
She couldn't use negative reinforcement.
She had to add an undesirable consequence.
"Okay, cut it out," said Delilah, surprised when they actually obeyed. "There's only one thing to do here."
"What's that?" asked Irwin, sounding unconvinced that she had found a solution.
"Well, to summarize the issue," said Delilah, "the problem is that you both want the same thing. Right?"
"This is stupid!" raged Adam. "I asked you first! There is no problem!"
"Well, you're not endearing yourself to me," said Delilah. "Maybe I'm changing my mind."
"Oh, really?" he fumed, hands on hips. "Are you going to say no to me so you can say yes to him?"
"I think you're both stupid," she clarified. "I would say no to both of you, but I don't think that's bad enough, so I'm not going to."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to say yes to both of you," she said, glaring meaningfully at him. "We'll all hang out together."
"You're not serious," said Adam.
"We'll go to a movie or something."
"But—"
"No, Adam!" she said, getting mad again. "Either we hang out, including Irwin, or I'm never going to go anywhere with you again."
Adam boiled in silence for a few seconds; his loss to her the previous day must have affected his confidence more than she thought, because he conceded.
"But we have to share equally," said Irwin, eyeing Adam mistrustfully. "You can't hog her."
"But that goes for you too, Irwin," Delilah added quickly. "You can't hog me either."
Adam laughed venomously. "Fine," he agreed. "We don't try to monopolise Delilah, and Delilah doesn't play favourites."
"That won't be hard," she scoffed. "Okay, so are we all okay? Does everyone agree that this is the best situation?"
"Gee," said Irwin sarcastically. "Pinch me, I must be dreaming."
With a loud "ouch" he jumped, and then glared at Adam.
"I wasn't talking to you," he groused, one hand clapped protectively over his bottom.
"Simple mistake," said Adam, smiling sweetly.
"You're a simple mistake," Irwin retorted unskillfully. When he saw Adam's car he snorted, "What, no Rolls Royce?"
"I had one, but I had to give it up," said Adam. "The ashtrays were full."
Irwin looked scandalized. "And they couldn't have been cleaned out?"
"Well, I suppose they could have, but I don't know anyone who does that sort of work," said Adam, with the faintest hint of a smile.
They went to the Pacific Theatre and struggled to pick a movie. Finally they settled on Kresblain: the Merry Magician which was in 3-D.
"Two for 6:15," said Adam to the box office lady, getting out some money.
"No!" Irwin insisted, pushing in next to him. "Only give him one! I'm paying for her!"
"No, you're not!" Adam laughed in disbelief. "You weren't even meant to have come!"
"But she invited me, didn't she, stupid? Looks like she really values her time alone with you, jerkoff!"
Adam's face turned stormy. "How dare you?" he asked. "How DARE you! Right, you microorchidistic prolefeed—"
"Oh, shut up, you guys," Delilah interjected. "It's not a big deal, I'll pay for myself. It really doesn't matter."
As they got their tickets and their 3-D glasses she was starting to think maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. Inside Irwin simperingly asked her if she wanted popcorn or something, and Adam cracked under the mighty load of patience.
"You are NOT buying her popcorn!" he howled exasperatedly.
"I don't need your permission, cockbag!" Irwin screeched. Then he did the daring thing and pushed him.
Adam, of course, pushed back.
"Oh my God, I am so over this," said Delilah, putting up her hands and walking to the theater. "You solve this by killing each other, and I'll get seats."
As she entered the screen room, she heard an employee coming to break them up; she sighed, and looked around. The theater was extremely crowded. She wasn't sure if there were three empty seats together anywhere. To the side she could see two, and another far away, front and center, and that was all. Apparently they had gotten the very last tickets for that show.
The lights dimmed, and the previews began; Adam and Irwin soon came in.
"I bought you popcorn," said Irwin triumphantly, handing it to her.
Adam shoved a drink at her; it seemed they had been driven to compromise. "Why didn't you save seats?" he demanded.
"I can't find three together," she whispered. "There are two over there, and one up there..."
"Well, Irwin," said Adam, taking Delilah by the wrist, "you'll have just a gorgeous view of the screen." Adam, who had not bothered to remove his sunglasses, seemed to be planning on convincing Delilah to abandon Irwin there and go to the underground warehouse.
Irwin, unaware of this, naturally assumed otherwise. "Oh, a gorgeous view—I'm so sure! Why should you sit together?"
"Shh! You guys!"
The lights dimmed again as the previews ended.
"You're a cheating pirate!" Irwin decibelled. "Your word isn't worth shit!"
"Oh, much less!" Adam agreed gleefully. "Shit is high these days!"
They started fighting.
"Shhh! Be quiet! Oh, whatever! You guys can sit next to each other, I'm just going to sit by myself!"
After the movie ended they stood outside; Adam looked very bored and Delilah and Irwin hung there awkwardly.
She ventured to ask, "Well...are you hungry, or something?"
"Nah," said Irwin. "I'm good."
"I'm not," said Adam.
"Yeah, you're the worst," said Delilah; Adam looked like he was about to smile until Irwin laughed very loudly.
"Well, I'm not hungry, either," he grumbled.
"You know what your problem is, Adam," said Irwin foolishly. "You have no sense of humor."
"No sense of humour!" Adam looked like an arbok, raising its body off the ground and spreading its hood. "You'd be shocked what I could do to your funny bone!"
Delilah ignored them, continuing past them toward Adam's parking spot. There was no further conversation from them, so she figured they had given up and followed her, until she heard Adam gasping and swearing. More surprised than anything, she turned around, but although Irwin looked amused, it wasn't his doing: Adam had walked into a lamppost.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"Oh, it's all your fault," he spat angrily, clutching his shoulder.
"My fault?" asked Delilah.
"Her fault?" asked Irwin.
"Nobody told you to wear that dress," he snarled.
"Nobody told you to look," snapped Irwin.
"Oh, shut up, diphthong! You practically tripped over your panting tongue!"
"I certainly did not, and I'll never do it again! Not hardly!"
"That's a double negative, Irwin; but then again, so are you."
Irwin poked Adam in the chest. "You know what, Adam? All the money in the world couldn't buy you a personality!"
Adam raised an eyebrow. "Maybe not," he said, slapping Irwin's hand away, "but it can certainly buy me better lines than that."
"Oh, yeah? Well—grrhaaaggh!" Irwin replied articulately, launching himself at Adam.
"Grrr!" Adam retorted with his usual cerebral wit, shoving him away.
"Frlughh!" answered Irwin as he cleverly shoved him back.
"Blzzrt!" Adam quipped brilliantly, pushing him in return.
"You guys, cut it out," said Delilah emotionlessly. "As charmed as I am by this eloquent persiflage, this was the worst idea I ever had."
Irwin tried to comfort her. "It's not your fault," he said.
"You're right," she agreed impassively. "You're just stupid idiots. How barbaric!"
"Yeah!" Irwin agreed with hypocritical contempt. "I feel like I'm in the olden days, fighting for your hand!"
Adam laughed harshly, grooming his eyebrows with his fingers in front of the movie theater's glass side doors. "I hardly believe," he said, "that you're working up a sweat just for Delilah's hand."
Irwin looked shocked. "I can't believe you said that!" he exclaimed.
"Don't forget the good parts," said Adam, smiling languidly. Really it was no wonder that Adam didn't smile very much, because if he did it in public he probably would get arrested.
"Aren't you insulted, Delilah?"
"No, I'm extremely bored. You are both very annoying."
"Well, it's tradition for man to fight over woman," said Irwin.
Adam looked at him with skeptical pity. "You know," he said, "the Law of Averages isn't a real law."
"Oh, yeah? Well, it's also tradition for the woman to comfort the loser. She never picks the winner, because he's a bully."
"You guys are making me really uncomfortable," said Delilah. "So can you please...just...not."
"Money just poisons the soul," said Irwin. "Rich people think they can run roughshod all over the world."
"Don't give me that 'right' and 'wrong' nonsense," Adam snapped. "You only get what you take in this world, and for the record I'd hardly call myself roughly shod. Should you go away empty-handed you have only yourself to blame."
"Why do you think Robin Hood stole from the rich?"
"Because the poor had nothing to take," Adam scoffed dismissively.
Irwin couldn't come up with a response to this. Delilah got into the backseat of the car so that she wouldn't be showing a seating preference, but Irwin ruined it by also getting into the back instead of sitting in the front with Adam.
"Turn here," said Irwin, directing Adam to his apartment. "And watch out for that pedestrian, Jesus Christ."
"If she's having a day like mine," said Adam, "striking her down would be an act of utmost humanity."
"You may have a lot of clouds, Adam," said Delilah, "but some of them are even lined with gold."
"Oh, who wants to hear about the weather right now," said Adam, pulling up to the sidewalk.
"But...you're English," said Irwin.
Adam turned around completely and stared at Irwin in a disgusted silence.
Irwin looked away and got out of the car. "I'll see you later, Delilah," he said.
"Bye," she said, trying not to laugh.
Adam watched him close the door. "Parting is such sweet sorrow, and that," he called out the window. "Cheerio, old fruit. If you teach me to brush my teeth, perhaps I can arrange an introduction the Queen!"
Irwin ignored him and started to walk around the front of the car.
Suddenly, the car lurched forward, and Delilah gasped loudly.
Adam laughed solemnly as Irwin jumped and scrambled for the sidewalk.
"Oh, my God!" Delilah exclaimed, her heart pounding. "You asshole!"
Adam sobered immediately. "I don't like him," he explained sternly.
"What the fuck!" said Delilah.
Adam drove away from the curb and sighed. "I really hope that Irwin doesn't represent the pinnacle of your love life," he said.
She sighed too as she began to develop an impressive new psychological issue. "It's not a big deal," she said.
"You don't think anything's a big deal."
"No, I don't," she admitted. "Here's some trivia for you, Adam: the earth rotates around its axis at 465 miles per second. At the same time, it orbits the sun at over a hundred miles per second. The whole Milky Way moves at hundreds of miles a second. The reason we don't get dizzy is because it is just so, so big compared to us. So I'm not going to act like anyone should care about me or my problems, because I sure don't."
"Okay, I won't argue," he said. "But here's some trivia for you: space is a big place, bigger than any person can even comprehend. Even if you had a really fast rocket that was faster than anybody could conceivably build in the foreseeable future, you could travel around the universe, you'd see not a bloody speck of it. It's really, really huge, and probably nobody will ever see the whole thing. So you know what that means? Most of the universe is insignificant."
"Well, one part of the universe is not more significant than another just because Adam Harlow inhabits it."
"It is to me," he said. "And the part of the universe inhabited by Delilah Peerenboom is more significant to you than mine is." He looked back at her. "Do you want to sit in the front?"
With immature firmness she looked away from him out the window. "No."
In the underground warehouse there was a big sign that said, "NO ENTRY BEYOND THIS POINT." They entered anyway. Of course Adam would still expect her to do this. Well, then, FINE. She would do it, but she was going to be as annoying and pointless as she could. She would hang on him like a dead weight. And eventually he would realize he could have done the whole thing without her, and that going to the movies and waiting around with Irwin was a complete waste of time. That would show him. That would be the best.
Yeah.
"I'm thinking those doors will open for certain people," he said.
"I'm thinking...when does the next Harry Potter movie come out," said Delilah.
He stared at her.
She smiled vacuously.
"I'm going to tell this chap to let us in," he said.
"Can you do that?"
He looked surprised. "Can I do that?" he repeated.
"I asked you first," she said blankly.
He looked at her weirdly, and decided not to answer.
Eventually he got sick of it; after she made one of these bored, facetious comments to a Rocket, he grabbed her arm and pulled her struggling around a corner. He let go forcibly and she gave him a dirty look, holding her arm protectively.
"Delilah, you are being a complete fucking idiot," he growled.
Feeling stripped and inadequate as he glared down at her, she quickly looked away, wishing she could look him in the face without feeling inferior.
"You told me you'd do this. If you changed your mind, fucking tell me. Don't get passive-aggressive."
Every word he said made her angrier. He was no better than she was. There was nothing wrong with her. She didn't have to listen to him.
"I know you're angry with me," he continued. "Fine. I don't care. Be angry with me. The only person who cares is you."
"That's very funny coming from you," she said. "It takes a lot to make me mad, Adam. You're mad every time I talk to you. I have as much a right to anger as you do."
"Well, you know what, Delilah?" He crossed his arms. "If I'm such an egomaniac that you can't stand to be around me, there's nothing stopping you from going home. If you don't want to be here, then why are you here?"
She didn't know how to answer him, and it made her embarrassed and angry.
"Do you want to have sex with me?" he asked angrily. "Is that all you want? Because if that's the only reason you're here, we can do it right now and you can leave." He reached into his pocket and produced a condom.
She was so humiliated and her face was so hot that she thought she was going to start crying. She couldn't believe this was happening. She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to look at Adam or answer him or listen to him anymore.
"Well?" he said. "On the floor? Up against a wall? Whatever you want."
"Adam, who do you think you are?" She blinked furiously to staunch her tears, trembling with rage. "If you ever met somebody who treated you the way you treat other people, you would hate him and you would never shut up about it. I think I deserve to be in a bad mood."
"First of all, Delilah, you don't know anything about me. Second of all, you tolerated me earlier today; so it's okay for me to be a jerk, until I'm a jerk to you? That makes you just as entitled as I am."
"Adam—!"
"Enough lecturing! I've been lectured by the experts, and do you know? It has never done an ounce of good!"
He turned and began to stalk away. "OBVIOUSLY!" she shouted at him.
She ended up getting involved in a few pokémon matches with some familiar faces, like the redheaded woman and the man from Slowpoke Well, while Adam did whatever it was he needed to do, and then the final car ride was completely silent. Delilah sat in the front seat this time but did not look at Adam.
He pulled up in front of the pokémon center.
"Um," he said.
She opened the door and got out as fast as she could, slamming it behind her and marching up to the pokémon center without looking back. She wasn't even sure why she was so angry, so frustrated; she prayed that she had not gotten a roommate while she was gone, and then remembered that Adam had rented the other bed for the day, so she would be alone after all.
"Thank God!" she said out loud as she opened the door to her room.
Then she wiped off her lipstick so she wouldn't leave a stain as she smothered her face in her pillow and groaned as long as she could sustain it.
"...!"