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Chapter 01 B – Derek Morgan
A soft intake of breath seems to echo through the plane and Derek Morgan looks up from the book he's been staring at for the past five minutes.
He knows where to look, who's eyes to search for and the book lays forgotten in his hands while his eyes watch pale skin and half-long, light-brown hair, his brain telling him it is better to look away. But as always, he can't help it.
He finds himself studying Spencer Reid and the profile of the face is as beautiful as it ever is, the dimmed lights in the plane high-lighting the pale skin and it takes Derek Morgan's breath away. It always does.
Silently he follows Spencer's gaze and his expression, that had been gentle, changes into one that is not quite anger or jealousy but words are lacking to call it otherwise.
Aaron Hotchner, the man across Spencer, sits slumbering what seems to be peacefully. But Derek knows the man is awake, feigning sleep as most of them seem to do on this plane.
And Morgan knows that Aaron isn't stupid, he is Unit Chief after all. Derek knows that the man feels Spencer's eyes on him, always feels the genius's eyes on him and yet nothing is done, mouths are kept shut and Spencer is left alone to suffer.
They all have different reasons for their silence but Derek can only guess. He hasn't asked the others nor have they spoken about Spencer's lasting infatuation with their boss. A mere glance across the table when Spencer's eyes were drawn, yet again, to Hotch a few weeks ago had been enough for all to realize that this could be the downfall of the team as they knew it.
Yet he knows why he himself lets Reid down over and over again. Cowardice, and even though he wishes it weren't he knows too much about human emotions not to call his behaviour by its real name.
Because asking Spencer what is wrong with him, even though they all know, is not only forcing Reid to come to terms with his feelings and the rejection he is facing.
The moment Morgan found out there were feelings inside of him that crossed the line of mere friendship or brotherhood towards Spencer Reid, he had been so shocked and a little scared. There have never been many persons in his life for whom Derek had held romantic feelings and never has he pursued a love interest.
He is not the type for a relationship, doesn't find himself stable enough for one and thinking he now had a silly, if not somewhat scary, crush on his co-worker had ruined his evening rather than making it better.
Yet Spencer had been all he thought about and suddenly the silly crush had turned into falling in love and that had slowly yet securely settled in a love which Derek soon came to realize would probably never be returned.
They were a sad bunch, the two of them. Both in love yet both knowing it would never be returned. Reid knowing so because Hotch is not into men, will probably not ever consider liking a man and even if he did, he is too honourable a guy to actually start a relationship with a co-worker.
And Derek knows because every time he finds himself watching Reid, the young man is watching Aaron with admiration and love shining in those beautiful eyes.
If only such feelings could ever be held for him, Morgan finds himself thinking quite often.
Thus he is a coward and the coat fits him well, too well he fears. For he knows that as a friend he should be there for Spencer yet he finds himself withdrawing even before he tries to get near.
He allows his eyes to focus on Spencer again and a sad smile finds its way to Morgan's lips.
"You okay, Kid?"
Derek finds himself speaking in a hushed tone before he realizes it and he is slightly nervous while he waits for the young man to react.
He sees Spencer turn his head slightly to look at him when he's being spoken to.
He watches the genius for a few seconds and then finds his eyes flittering to Hotch before turning themselves back to Reid. They both know what he's saying with just that one glance and Morgan knows he is just adding oil to a fire he would rather put out, but he simply can't help himself.
Derek represses the urge to gasp when he is caught by gorgeous hazel eyes and his heart aches in his chest when Spencer's lips curl down in a sad smile.
Their stare is broken suddenly when Spencer lowers his eyes and from the slight, unconscious pull of Reid's thin lips he can easily see the man is sinking deeper and deeper into thoughts.
Derek watches in complete silence as the other man thinks.
Before falling for Spencer Morgan had never even considered the fact he could ever fall for a male. He loved a women's curves, the softness of their skin and even though he sometimes jokes Spencer is effeminate, he is definitely male and possess strong features to prove that for him.
It is also strange to Derek that of all the men he could have fallen for, it had been Spencer. Because when it comes to women, Morgan doesn't like the geeky ones that talk too much when nervous and are awkward when shy. In fact, after thinking his attraction to a male for the first time in his life through he had been surprised Aaron hadn't been the one to catch his interest.
Yet now, after analyzing situations and profiling emotions in silence he understands his heart's decision even though he still doesn't quite agree with it.
Because where Aaron Hotchner seems to be the man that is the leader, the strong one who has everything in control and going for him he isn't by far. His marriage has fallen apart and cracks are forming in his mask of strength.
Spencer Reid, though, is the total opposite of that. He looks weak, geeky and submissive and even though he will never be a leader he possess strength within him that Morgan envies, that he feels attracted to.
And now that he is thinking about it, even the ramblings he finds attractive because Reid always shines when he is allowed to ramble, allowed to be passionate and do what he does best.
And it is Spencer's strength that Morgan finds attractive, the fact he's grown up so fast but still acts like a child sometimes which he finds endearing and when Spencer is rambling and afterwards smiling he finds himself falling in love all over again.
Because Reid may be geeky and awkward, but perhaps that's what Derek is truly attracted to. Maybe that's why all the women he ever went home with – because no women ever set foot in his home – were exactly the opposite of that.
Because he wouldn't allow himself to get what he truly wanted in fear of his own feelings.
And afraid he is, because a broken heart is the last thing he wants yet he fears, and deep down knows, it is what both of them will end up with.
Suddenly he sees the unhappy expression that settles on Reid's face. Immediately his thoughts are forgotten because the expression worries him. He then thinks that while both had sunk into thoughts his question has not been answered and after just a few seconds he finds himself calling out again. "Hey, Reid?"
He sees Spencer's shoulder tense, his head being raised as if he is a kicked puppy and his gaze flickers to where Hotch is sitting.
Morgan's lips are pulled in a tight line when Spencer turns to watch him yet his expression changes into worry the moment he sees the young man swallow.
"I'm not all right." Spencer mutters softly, brokenly and Morgan feels like throwing up.
What is he doing? Why is he forcing Spencer come clean with his feelings only to have Hotch break his heart? It is unfair and selfish of him to even have asked.
Because no matter if he says this is for Reid's well-being, it isn't at all. To Morgan, this is about Aaron finally opening his eyes and denying Spencer's love so Derek can pick up the pieces.
And, Derek decides, it is unfair of him to force Spencer this way. It is wrong to want to have Spencer's feelings crushed even though it means the slightest inkling of a chance will then open up for him
No, he decides, he is a better friend than that and even though he doesn't like it one bit, ignorance is the best for this moment. Because in the end that will hurt the littlest for Spencer.
He forces a laugh out of his throat but it sounds awkward even to his own ears so he settles for a gentle smile instead. "It was a tough case. Maybe some rest will help."
His heart aches and he reminds himself that this is for the best, this is for Spencer and thus it is worth it.
"It's not the case." Spencer suddenly retorts, his tone making it very clear he feels betrayed by Morgan's words and Derek flinches when the genius lowers his eyes. "You know it's not."
That whisper, that accusing whisper that tells Morgan he has yet again disappointed Spencer, sends a wave of guilt through the dark man's body.
And suddenly he hears Spencer turn and his gaze is directed to the genius quickly. He sees the blank expression on Reid's face and from the corner of his eye sees that Aaron has opened his eyes.
'Oh Spencer, what have you done?' He finds himself thinking.
Yet, as if Reid himself heard his silent question, the genius hugs his chest and turns to look out of the window with his head resting against his chair.
Morgan wants to do nothing more than rush over to Spencer and take the man into his arms, whisper in his ear that it will all be all right, that he is there when Reid needs him. All he needs to do is ask because Morgan can't find the strength within him to do it himself.
Because he is afraid himself of a heart that will be broken.
A soft sigh passes his lips yet he freezes again in his seat when Spencer calls out, his voice soft and hopeful. "Hey Hotch?"
"Yes?"
Hotch his voice is like a blur to Morgan and he is ready to punch the man when he sees Reid flinch at the cold tone.
He balls his fists and holds his breath.
He understands so damned well why Reid is taking his chances now. There have been so many times when he himself was about to blurt out a love-confession to Reid only to be reminded yet again the heart he yearns for is already given away.
And again, he finds himself drawn to Spencer. For the strength the man has, the courage to speak for himself and he doesn't need to hear Reid asking for a ride home from Hotch in that shaky tone to know what he wants.
Because asking for a ride means so much more when Reid asks it from Hotch and Derek can't help but feel jealous.
He is the one that drives Spencer home most of the time. He is the one that is entitled to that right and asking him has never been a problem for Reid, has never meant this much to him.
Yet it is not the ride home that is important right now, and Morgan realizes that.
Because if Hotch agrees, it means he is giving Reid the chance at love he is asking for and that means he will be without a chance to ever capture the genius his heart.
'Please,' he finds himself begging Lady Luck in silence, 'please let Hotch turn him down.'
He knows it is unfair to Spencer, that it will break the genius's heart if he is turned down and that it is such a selfish and egoistic thing to ask for. If you truly love someone you want them to be happy.
But Derek wants Spencer to be happy. There is not and should not be a single doubt about that fact. He merely wants Reid happy with him, instead of with Hotchner.
"Morgan can take you."
Derek both blesses and cruses the words and thinks Aaron Hotchner is perhaps even a bigger coward than he is for walking away at this moment. He should be there for Spencer after turning him down so cruelly but he leaves him to Derek.
Because Aaron knows that Derek loves Spencer the way he deserves to be loved and while Morgan hates it that Spencer's heart is broken, that he has been rejected he is so grateful for this chance, for this opportunity.
And while Morgan's dark eyes watch Hotch's retreating back he can't help but feel slightly thankful for the man's silent support as well. Because leaving Spencer on his own yet with all doors wide open for Derek to step in and comfort the man he desires to comfort means Aaron is approving of whatever ways of comforting Morgan has in mind for the genius.
And to Morgan, that's the one thing that comes closest to support he thinks he'll ever see from Hotch.
That night is the first time Morgan spends the night at Spencer's place and even though the reason isn't so fortunate, he is excited.
He has never before seen Reid's place and he is a bit stunned to find it exactly how he had imagined it to be. Shabby couch that looks regularly used for both sitting and sleeping on, books and papers littering all possible tables and chairs, except for the couch, and a stash of coffee and sugar in the kitchen-cupboards that would put the nearest Wall Mart's collection of caffeine and sugar holding products to shame. It is almost a painful reflectance of Reid's personality and Morgan finds himself amused because of it.
"You want a drink?"
And Morgan does, something strong if he has a say in it, but he decides to simply ask for a beer.
They settle on the couch, Discovery Channel playing in the background and they sit silently side by side for what seems like ages.
Morgan isn't sure what Spencer is thinking about, doesn't even want to know for he is sure the man's thoughts are filled with Aaron. Someone Derek doesn't want to think about right now.
Suddenly, although he should really have seen it coming, he hears a soft sob, followed by a hitch of Spencer's breath.
For a few seconds Derek sits frozen in his seat, not knowing what to do yet at the same time wanting nothing more than to hold the genius in his arms, tell him there is someone that cares about him, loves him even.
Yet no good will come of telling Spencer of his feelings right now and he swallows while trying to think of what to do.
He turns his head a bit to look at Reid and the genius turns his downcast face up a bit.
Tears stain pale cheeks and a forced smile tries to assure Derek he shouldn't worry. "I- I'm sorry." Spencer mutters.
Derek frowns, reaches out his hand to place it onto Spencer's shoulder in a comforting touch but he pulls away hesitantly before even touching the genius. "Sorry?" He asks instead. "Kid, you shouldn't be."
But Reid merely shakes his head, his small and seemingly fragile frame shaking just the littlest bit and he raises one of his hands to place it against the side of his face, hiding it from Derek's view. "I'm sure Hotch thinks of me that way, too." He mutters softly to himself.
Derek's mind is racing a mile a minute. What on earth could Spencer imagine Hotch would think about him that brings forth such a tone?
"Reid," he starts, uncertainty clear in his voice and he reaches out again only to let his hand hover above Spencer's shoulder. He's not sure what reaction touching Spencer will ignite, both from Spencer and himself.
Because Reid's vulnerable right now, heartbroken and Derek is afraid that if he holds Spencer, he'll refuse to let go.
But suddenly Spencer whispers: "I'm just a geeky kid, after all."
And Derek knows what to do, knew from the beginning what to do and he refuses to let his feelings ruin his friendship with Spencer any longer.
"You are," he says, agreeing with Spencer and when the genius holds his breath he pulls the lanky man into his arms. Reid immediately burying his head against Morgan's broad shoulder and the man presses one of his hands against Spencer's back while the other one gentle rests upon brown hair. "But that's the best side of you. Hotch is missing out, man."
A somewhat bitter laugh passes Spencer's lips and he mutters: "I'm sure he doesn't see it that way."
Derek tightens his hold on Reid and rests his chin on top of soft, brown hair which smells vaguely like pine and cinnamon. He doesn't quite know how to answer, he wants to comfort Reid but all he feels like saying is something that will make Hotch look bad.
Reid takes a shuddering breath. "Never would have thought this could hurt more than getting shot." He whispers, more to himself than at Derek.
Yet Morgan feels his heart clench, knows the feeling that's coursing through Spencer and he finds himself whispering: "The pain will fade."
Reid tense. "But –" he starts, but Derek interrupts him.
"Trust me." Morgan says softly, his hold on Spencer tightening. "I know."
Reid stills and Derek realizes he must wonder what his words mean, why he's saying them and if they're the truth.
And he is amazed that even though he's broken the man's trust over and over again by ignoring his pain, Spencer respects his own boundaries and respects the words without a further explanation.
He merely takes a few deep breaths, awkwardly pats Morgan's shoulder with the wide, half-smile on his face that always seems to be there when he's displeased with himself, and he nods. "Thanks."
He then turns to sit normally on the couch again, his shoulders still shaking slightly and his side touching Morgan's.
And that reaction makes Derek love him even more.
TBC.