Calliope is stretched out across the sofa, her head resting on my lap, drawing small circles on my knees. Even in yoga pants and a faded University of Florida tee she looks stunning, the sadness of the past week is still present on her face, with red rimmed eyes and matching smeared make-up. I wish I could protect her from the hurt and help her focus on the happy, but I know myself that avoidance isn't healthy, especially with someone like Calliope who wears her heart on her sleeve and emotions like a badge of honor.

"Why didn't you join the army?"

I've been so wrapped up in my Calliope cocoon that the question appears to come from nowhere, but its entirely likely that I've missed the opener to the question while I was distracted by the smell of her hair and the swell of her breasts. It's date night but its also the day of Callie's ex-husbands funeral. I feel like a terrible girlfriend for not going and supporting her, but I didn't really know George, not even in passing. I told her I felt like it were my duty to hold down the fort so those that did know him could attend; I haven't been to a funeral since Sam and I'm not sure I could be the pillar of strength Callie needed – not today.

"What?"

I didn't mean for it to come out so harshly. I notice her flinch a little bit, catching my eye before quickly focusing back on the TV.

"I mean, it seems like a family tradition, you know – your grandfather, your dad, your brother...so why didn't you?"

I debate giving her a lame half truth followed by a quick change in subject but as the words begin to form in my mouth I stop myself. A few weeks ago over dinner, she told me that for every ten facts she told me about herself she got one about me in return; but instead of being angry and quite rightly upset, she told me she treasured it, because everything I told her was special, that she got to have a piece of me. Since that dinner I've being trying to make more of an effort to "let her in", and as part of that effort I feel like I owe her this.

"Growing up I love it, I loved living on the base, I loved the routine, the uniforms, the bravado, the way even though we moved every 18 months we were welcomed with open arms because we were all part of this big family"

She's rolled onto her back now, staring at me with those big brown eyes. I stop raking my fingers though her hair and reach for her hand.

"It was always part of the plan for me to sign up, I even wanted to join straight from high school. Then when I was around 15 my mother gained a little weight after some outpatients surgery, I can't even remember what it was now, what I can remember, was her buying a home exercise video "Cindy Crawford: Shape Your Body", you know, the slightly dangerous one"

She squirms and I can tell trying to hold in a laugh, which she fails to do completely when I catch her eye. I feel myself flush, embarrassment tinting my cheeks, I don't mind her laughter, its the first genuine smile I've seen all week and it makes my heart swell and lets me know I should continue.

"Hey! You laugh but that video changed my life. I used to watch that video everyday with with Sam, mom thought it was sweet that we were so dedicated to helping her get back in shape"

She's practically rolling around on top of me now laughing, almost hyperventilating trying to stop. Lifting herself up, so she's straddling me, she gently kisses me, its barely a whisper but enough to make me tingle right down to my toes.

"As entertaining as it is learning what a pervert you were as a teenager what does it have to do with you not joining the army?

"I was not a pervert!"

She slowly raises her eyebrow and smirks at me. Okay, so I was a bit of a pervert as a teenager, but what teenagers aren't.

"When I told my dad I was a lesbian, in the same breath I told him I was still planning on carrying out my duty, that I was strong enough to honor my country before myself. He forbid me, told me he didn't spend a lifetime fighting to ensure our country's freedom, only for his daughter to forgo hers"

Even now I feel the familiar sting of disappointment, not only of my own future being taken away, the feeling that I'd let down my family.

"Do you ever regret it?"

She's playing with my hair, trying to tame my unruly curls, her fingers tracing my face. It feels like we're the only people in the world.

"When Sam died, I was about to give up my life and go. The guilt of having all this training and good men dying because of lack of doctors was destroying me"

I'm blinking back tears, I don't want Calliope to see me like this. I try to look at anything but her, but her voice draws me back to her.

"Why didn't you?"

"My mom could sense what I was up to, she's always had that ability, aside from the Shape your Body incident. She made a special trip to Baltimore to see me, she's never traveled out of town without my father before, that's how big a deal this was. Anyway, she comes to see me and begs me not to go, crying that she's already lost enough for this country, to this war. That there is more than one way to serve and be honorable without getting myself killed"

We sit in silence for what seems like an eternity. I can feel the tears running freely down my face now. I'm trying my best to regain my composure, this isn't the time for me to be weak, Callie needs me.

"I'm sorry about your brother Arizona"

Before I can formulate a response she turns back to the TV, resuming her previous position, almost as if she knows that although I've just shared a huge part of myself, I'm not quite ready to show her this part, the full extent of my grief, my pain. As I feel the small circles begin once again I realize, that right now, in this moment, is the most at home and at peace I've felt since the Cindy Crawford days.