Welcome to, Chaos On Deck Part VIII...
(A.K.A. The Story Of Mr. Chef)
You know the spiel, I do not own Star Wars, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, The Stormtroopers, the Death Star, these are all copyrights of LucasFilm Ltd. I also do not own any other references in the RP such as Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter. As this is a spoof things are going to happen in extremely bizarre ways and totally different from the story line.
This spoof in particular is an oddity for this story as it is created by only me, but uses the characters you know and love from the previous chapters. It kind of goes more indepth into the character of Chef and is meant to be just a filler page while we work on others plot.
O.k., the way this one ends is a kind of set up for another plot so... We haven't started oon that plot yet, but hopefully soon... Read on... readers, and don't forget to rate , comment, and review...
All was quiet on the Death Star Vr. 78.2843 as it orbited the forest moon of Endor. The small, teal, mildly deformed space station carrying it's "precious" (If one consider that old hag known as the Emperor "precious") cargo through the gravitational pull provided by the moon. Somewhere in space a cantina band played a melodic tune that could not ever hope of reaching the vacuum trapped battle station of death and doom!
However deep within the depths of the station, past cell block 9,000,003, through the Hall of Vader's Portraits, beyond the Indoor Swamp of Bubbles, through the Large Metal Doors of Cookery, the Chef was busy cleaning apple butter stains off of the walls in the Room Of Big Giant Overly Difficult To Operate Apple Butter Mixing Vats. "Barnabus? Remind me again why as Mr. Wilkins helper, you are not helping me clean up this amazingly unusual mess which is partly your fault for feeding the beasts my experimental Brain Food?," asked the Chef to the Stormtrooper busy coloring a coloring book drawing of Darth Vader fuchsia.
"Um…," Barnabus replied as he made the light saber of the paper Vader a nice shade of bubblegum pink, "You said you'd tell me a story if I helped and so, I'm not gonna help until I get my story!"
"Fine Barbabus!," the Chef said as he flung the ShamWow he was using into a bucket that promptly bubbled before exploding in a plethora of rainbow colored confetti and bubblegum, "You want a story, well here's your story…"
"What kind of story?," Barnabus asked as he hastily shoved the bubblegum into the mouth of his helmet, only to find out it didn't open.
"How about my life's story, is that good enough?," the Chef asked as he lead the way through a door into a small room with a rocking chair in the corner and a mat on the floor. "Yeah sure…," Barnabus said before trailing of at the sight of the white walls, "What is this place?" "This Barnabus, is the Flashback room of Wonder and Magic," the Chef replied in his most over-the-top, super-duper goody two-and-a-half-shoes grandma voice.
"Did someone say flashback?," Vader said as he poked his head out of the vent in the ceiling, "I was just creeping through the vents you know, making sure no one was talking about me, checking up on employee productivity, and whispering things at Steven from the sky." "IT WAS YOU WHO'S BEEN DOING THAT?," The Emperor said as he walked in through the door, "I thought it was my old master come back from the floating coffin in space we put him in. Vader then dropped down as Wilkins, Lumiere, and Cogsworth made their way inside and sat down on the mat, Wilkins pausing every few seconds to squirt Windex in Cogsworth clock face before wiping it clean.
"Yes I did Lord Vader, now if you please take your seat I would like to get started," the Cheff said as he went to sit in the rocking chair only to find it occupied by the Emperor, "Um… Sir? Your in my seat." "I don't see your name on it anywhere," The Emperor replied as he leaned back, "Bsides I'm old, I can't be expected to sit on the cold, hard, Barnabus contaminated floor." "Oh really?," the Chef asked before pushing the back of the chair and flinging the Emperor out of it onto the maroon mat decorated with all sorts of large multi-colored shapes. "FINE!," the Emperor called indignantly, "BUT I GET THE BLUE TRIANGLE! CRACKERJACKS ARE MY FAVORITE SHAPE!," he yelled as he took his spot atop the triangle while the others stared questioningly at him.
"O.k., well now that that little episode is over it's time to get back to the story at hand, my life…," the Chef said as he settled into his rocking chair. "YOUR life? HA!," Wilkins laughed as he stood up and exited the room, "I'll be back later, I'm gonna go kill flies with… I mean clean the windows." "Master? Aren't the only windows onboard in your throne room?" "Yes, but he's… different, he's different." "O.k. then on to the story…," the Chef said as the air around them wavered slightly, "It al began when they discovered I was special…"
"YOU WERE SPECIAL?," Barnabus exclaimed as the bubble of pretty pictures that had been settling in around them popped and multi-colored beauty splattered around. "Yes, Barnabus," the Chef replied as Barnabus raised his hand, "No not special like you I had a talent… I know your talent is blowing things up and annoying Wilkins, but mine was more beneficial to life… Yes I was able to cook, now can we get back to the story? No, you can not use the restroom… Good, now… It began when they first realized I was special…"
"I was born on Kamino in the small town of Clone Central, I went to Clone Central High School, Home Of The Droids, and excelled in the Home Ec. Course that was mandatory for all clones to take during their high school carrier. Once I graduated I was approached by the Prime Minister at the time, Llama Moo, who offered me a once in a lifetime chance to train under the rising chef Paula Dean on Naboo. Naturally I leapt at the chance to get away from this rain soaked planet, to work under my idol, to be safe from the war, and, perhaps most of all, meet the queen. No Barnabus, not the Queen of England… Not Narnia either, No not Queen Latifah either, Queen Patricia of the Naboo.
"And so I packed my bags posthaste and departed from Kamino before the sun… well the sun doesn't really exist too much on Kamino, so in light of this let's just say it was sometime between midnight and midnight when I left the planet behind me and journeyed towards Naboo. Which if you've never been to Naboo involved several flight transfers, a delay in Fort Kan on Tatooine, Christmas in a Shuttle Terminal, and several hours of watching Teletubbies on baby television screens.
"I arrived on the planet and was immediately greeted by a random guy and led to the kitchens where I met Paula Dean. As a present, the Southern (Southern part of where I'm not sure, I think maybe Coruscant) got me a Wampa from the ice world of Hoth, I named her Princess Priscilla and kept her in the storage room.
"However, one day we got a call from the Queen's office that Paula was to be inpspected for excessive use of butter in her dishes. In her haste to hid the evidence she swept all of the butter saturated goods into Princess Priscilla's bowl. Little did Paula know that high levels of butter are toxic to Wampas and Princess Priscilla died that night only moments before the queen arrived.
"Queen Patricia smiled at me when she entered and the net night we were eloping in a small lake side villa. The next few months passed and we were blessed with our first son Spence and another Princess Priscilla, as well as the news that Patricia was pregnant with a girl, she was to be named Clarice, but sadly things were shattered in our perfect little world with the arrival of the Emperor and my forced draft into the Imperial Fleet. I was placed in Vader's Battalion and Princess Priscilla the Second was shocked to death due to the Emperor's strict 'No Pets' rule."
""THAT'S A LIE! YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROOF THAT I SHOCKED PRINCESS PRISCILLA TO DEATH!," The Emperor shouted as the fragile bubble of picture popped once more and the Emperor rose to his feet pointing at the Chef. "What about these photos taken of you shocking her on the alleged day? And these eyewitness accounts of the event? And this DNA sample on of the wounds showing that your lightning was in fact responsible?," the Chef asked as he pulled the folder out of his apron. "Hmmm… Can I see that folder?," the Emperor asked before it was handed to him where it suddenly caught on fire, "OOPS! Looks like all you evidence got destroyed. Bad luck!"
If looks could kill, or at least maim, the one focused on the Emperor from behind Chef's helmet would have had the old man twitching and sporadically shouting "BAGUUETTES!" But alas, looks can't kill, and so the Emperor sat back down on his blue triangle as the chef cleared his throat and activated the flash back again…
"Where did I leave off… Oh, that's right… And so I was off to fight the good guys across the galaxy under the new alias Captain Von Awesomesauce. It was at his point in my life when I was left to fend for myself on the planet of Hoth whilst I awaited Admiral Piett's comand. Whilst on the planet I found a Wampa and named her Princess Priscilla the Third, however I couldn't send anything back to Naboo until after the battle so I hid her in an ice cave. However Priscilla the Third was a crafty little snow beast and ended up escaping and bringing back a young Rebel. I couldn't stay to get rid of him properly so I left her to take care of him herself.
"When I returned from the Wal-Mart I found Priscilla laying in the snow dead and missing an arm, as I stared at her, I realized that I could never let another creature die like this. I made then a credo to never kill another beast so long as I lived. But, the next day I stumbled across some random guy's dead Taun-Taun, and I mean it had already been gutted by someone, so why not take it and make some stew? And so Lord Vader arrived on… No, Barnabus I did not say Lord Voldemort, no he's not going to use the killing curse on you, no, no, 12, 56, Lady Gaga, 12 Barnabus 12! 34%, really? Any more questions? Good…
"Anyways, Lord Vader.. Yes you… NO BARNABUS! NOT LORD VOLDEMORT! I WILL NOT CALL HIM HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!…," the Chef yelled before the delicate bubble popped and the lights inside the room went out, "Good Force, whee did the lights go? So help me Emperor, if your using your electrical powers to scare me, I will put Womp Rat Poisoning in your tea tomorrow!" The lights flickered then and a cold feeling set in, as if all hope had died, "Don't worry Chef, I trained at Hogwarts before becoming a JedI. EXPECTO PATRONUM!," Wilkins called from the door as the room was filed with bluish light and the lights flickered back on.
"Thank Force that's over with, now can we please get back to the story? That's what I thought. Anyways, the Dark Lord, no not that one Barnabus, arrived on the planet seeking food and I happened to have a pot of Taun-Taun stew and cinnamon buns in my quaint little ice cave, and if I do say so myself my Taun-Taun stew is the best around. But what really matters is that Lord Vader raved about my stew all night, even if I did sneak a little bit of… oops forgot you were here Vader… and I managed to convince him to allow me two things. First, allow me to send a Wampa I had found and named Princess Priscilla the Third Jr. back to my family on Naboo, little Spence and Baby Clarice would be so happy, and second, allow me refuge in the kitchens of the Death Star until I died in a terrible explosion resulting from Barnabus' failures.
"And I believe that brings us up to date with my life…," the Chef said as the bubble burst once more and the lights lit up to show the gathered displaying various looks of sadness. Wilkins had returned to the room after the Voldemort fiasco and was now clutching Vader tightly as they both sobbed, shiny purple tears running down Vader's mask. The Emperor was sitting in the corner now watching a portable DVD player with tears in his eyes before he screamed, "NO! NOT DUMBLEDORE! HE WAS SO… YOUNG AND HANDSOME… AND YOUNG!" Barnabus stared up at Chef with puppy dog eyes, "Is Mrs. Chef still on Naboo with Spence and Clarice?" "Yes Barney, they're doing just fine, now are you going to clean out the vats?," the Chef asked as he stood up and walked to the door, "Where's Lumiere and Cogsworth go?" ""Oh, um… is the story over? Um yes, cough cough, I think they went to on Dr. Fraglehorn," Vader said as he stood up and approached the two by the door.
"MONSIEURS! MONSIEURS! He has escaped!," Lumiere exclaimed as he approached the door with a very worried Cogsworth on his heels. "Escaped? But that's impossible, we double locked the door, and sealed it with Scotch Tape, DARN IT!," Vader said before he rushed through the door with Wilkins and the Emperor on the hem of his cape. Once, before they had left the room the Emperor caught the cloak and caused the Emperor to go flying through the kitchen while the other's disappeared. "DARN IT CHEF! I thought it was my turn to get a story?"
So how did you like that exciting expose into the Life and Times of Chef?
But I'm sure you still have questions like:
What will happen next?
Will there be more Disney allusions and cameos?
What's gonna happen to Fragglehorn now?
WHAT HAPPENED TO DUMBLEDORE? (Which if you've watched the movie should be easy enough to answer, if not, go watch it, now)
What about this new plot?
The answers to these questions and more in the next installment... hopefully...
Rate, comment, review... PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!...