In the morning, she woke up to the smell of breakfast. Groggily, she got out of bed and shoved a pair of glasses on her face before stumbling out to the kitchen. "Everything will be ready in about fifteen minutes, if you want to take a shower beforehand," Erin said without turning around. Penelope noticed she was wearing the same suit she'd been in two days ago.
"All right," she simply said, shucking off the sweat pants and going into the bathroom. She washed herself quickly, then got out and dried off. It was then that she realized she'd left any semblance of clean clothes in her room. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but she felt herself suddenly shy at the thought of Erin seeing her.
Keeping the towel wrapped firmly around her, she snuck out into her room and hastily pulled on undergarments. She stood in front of her closet, trying to decide on what to wear. "The white and navy polka dotted dress," Erin said softly, pulling it out of the closet. :And when you're ready, so's breakfast."
Penelope nodded and pulled the dress on. Slipping into shoes, she hurriedly put her hair up in a messy bun and then joined Erin. "Erin, this looks delicious," she said as she breathed in the scent of bacon and eggs. "You didn't have to.
"It was the least I could do. Better to go into a shit storm with a full stomach, after all."
"What do you mean?"
"Your cell phone has been going off since five this morning. I didn't have the heart to wake up. It looked like they were mostly from Agent Hotchner."
"Oh. Do you think I still have a job?"
"Of course you do. I decide who gets let go from the BAU and I would never approve that." She sighed. "This is why I never do something nice in the workplace. It always ends up hurting the person, instead of helping."
"Do you think they hate me?" she asked, looking down at her food.
"No one could ever hate you." They finished eating in silence, Penelope lost in her thoughts of Alpha team's anger.
She stacked the dishes in the sink and then turned to face Erin. "Once we leave here, we revert back to our roles of 'Chief Strauss' and 'Ms. Garcia'. May I, may I have one more kiss before we part?" Erin nodded and closed the distance between them, kissing her gently. Penelope wrapped her up in a warm hug, unable to keep from holding her. "I wish…" she trailed off, burying her face in Erin's neck.
"I know. If I could, I would never let you go." Erin kissed her once more and then pushed her away. "Ms. Garcia, it's time for us to go to work. Are you ready?"
Penelope watched Erin square her shoulders, aloofness slipping about her once more. Only her eyes showed the sorrow she felt. Penelope tried to copy the motions, but felt she failed miserably. Instead, she leaned into Erin's warm hand on her back, not wanting to lose that sweet connection. She picked up her purse and cell phone, locking the door behind them. She zoned out during the ride in, fear gripping her heart more and more the closer they got.
"If they do hate me," Penelope whispered as they stepped onto the elevator, "may I?"
"Yes."
"Thank you, Chief Strauss. I appreciate it."
"Anything for you, Ms. Garcia."
Penelope stepped off the elevator and squared her shoulders, taking a deep breath as she entered the BAU bullpen. Alpha team was all gathered around Reid's desk and as one they looked up at her. Hostility radiated from Morgan and Emily, while Reid struggled to show no emotion. Only Rossi and Hotch looked at her sadly, as if they knew the truth Morgan had sullied the previous night.
"Garcia, if I could see you in my office, please," Hotch said, moving away from the group to come up by her side. She nodded and let him touch her, guiding her up the stairs. She found she couldn't look at the others anymore, it hurt too much. Thirty six hours ago, she'd thought them dead, and now they hated her. Despite what Erin had said, she knew it was true.
She took a seat on the chair in front of his desk, listening to him lock the door. She studied her clasped hands, not daring to look into those sad, knowing eyes of his. "I take it Morgan told all of you about my indiscretion?" she said softly, cursing herself for crying in front of him.
"He said some rather harsh things that I feel he'll regret. But I want to hear from you what happened in the last two days." He sat next to her, moving the chair to face her completely and reached out to cover her hands with his.
"I did sleep with Chief Strauss. Neither of us intended for it to end up like that, I swear. It's just, I was so devastated when she told me the news that she took me home. Once home, I instigated everything, Hotch. She had no idea what I was going to do. Then again, neither did I. But she was there, comforting me, and I just needed to feel something."
He sighed and squeezed her hands. "I can't say that I don't wish it had been Anderson, Penelope, but I understand that, that need. After Haley, I had that same feeling, but there was no one to rescue me. Give them time to cool down, Penelope, and when we need information, I'll be calling you." She looked up into his eyes and saw understanding there. "And I think there's a junior G-man who would like very much to have supper with his aunt Penelope soon. Do you feel up to it?"
She nodded and wiped her eyes. "Thanks Hotch."
"Not a problem. And don't worry about it going beyond the seven of us. I made them swear to tell no one." She managed a ghost of a smile and he returned it as best her could. "Now, we have a new case to brief. I'll see you in the conference room in five minutes."
"Yes, Sir." She stood and went to her office, head bowed so no one could see her tears. She picked up her pad from the desk and then noticed someone had already been in there, as across the picture of her and JJ was scrawled the word 'whore' in black marker. Her heart clenched as she recognized Reid's handwriting. Penelope tightened her jaw and straightened her shoulders, suddenly able to perfectly channel Erin.
She assessed the round room with a cool eye, refusing to seem weak in front of them. And then it hit her, she was using the same façade Erin used. If she kept them out, they couldn't hurt her. Rossi led the briefing and she took copious notes, arching her eyebrow whenever he shot her a concerned look. One by one, they left the room until it was just her and him.
"You played with fire, Kitten. Did you not expect to get burned?"
"You're right there, Rossi, she is fire. The fire that warmed my frozen heart when I thought you all dead. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."
As she brushed past him, he grabbed her upper arm, and she looked at him, her eyes sparking with anger. He, however, wore a concerned look. "What are you going on about?"
"I mean that it was a one-time thing, I think, oh, just go away. I have nothing to apologize for, Rossi! I am not a whore, and neither is she."
As she left the room, she thought she heard him call after her, "When did I ever call you such a vile word?" but she ignored him. She stalked off and slammed the door to her room, feeling like she wanted to throw something or scream at the top of her lungs. Who were they to judge her? Especially her best friend, dammit.
"We're leaving now," Hotch said as he looked in on her. "I know your heart is still tender, but try not to shut them out. I'll work on them while we're gone."
She couldn't look at him, afraid she'd breakdown once more if she did. "I'll see you in a few days, Hotch." She heard him leave and looked at her computer screen. Her focus was completely shot and it took four rings before she looked at her phone. "Hello?"
"Did everything go all right, Ms. Garcia?"
"If by all right you mean only Hotch and Rossi will speak to me, then yes, Chief Strauss. Everything's peachy keen."
"Penelope."
"They do hate me, Erin. Yet, I don't think I would change a thing. I've never burned like that before."
"Neither have I."
"Thank you for checking in on me. I'll let you go now, you probably have more important things to worry about than me."
"It will get better, Penelope. Everything does eventually."
"Does it, Erin? I'm not so sure any more." Penelope hung up the phone, not wanting to hear her answer. Reclining back in her chair, she picked up her vandalized picture, running her finger over JJ's smiling face, her eyes filling with tears once more.
That evening, she found flowers waiting for her on her doorstep. There was no card, so she figured either Erin or Hotch had sent them to her. She breathed in the heady scent of lilies and put the bouquet in a vase of water, setting it on her coffee table. Her phone rang, startling her. Moving closer to the handset, she saw it was Rossi, but she was in no mood to talk and let the call go right to voicemail.
Finding herself with no appetite, she shed her clothes and pulled on the nightgown Erin had worn, desperate for the comfort she was sure it would give her. She pulled back the covers and crawled into bed, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. In the morning, she groggily got up, still feeling exhausted. She poured herself some cereal and poked at it, not really hungry. Not caring what she looked like that morning, she put on the first thing her hand touched in her closet, then shoved a headband in her hair.
Like a wraith, she made her way into her office, starting up her system. The fact that they were alive and despised her suddenly filled her brain, and before she could think of anything else, she broke down crying. Penelope managed to pull it together enough to give Beta team the information they needed, then continued weeping. Hadn't Kevin told her she was too rash, that she acted too quickly? He'd left because of that, and now her friends had deserted her because of that.
Her teams in the field noticed the lackluster responses to their banter and asked her if she was all right. "I'm fine, honestly," she said to her last caller of the day. "It's just shock from finding out Alpha is unharmed, y'know? I'd barely begun to process the one idea when the other comes to life."
"Just keep in mind it's a joyous thing that the pilot was able to land that plane."
"I know, I just have to process yet. Happy hunting." She hung up with her and then shut her system down. Picking up her purse, she flipped the lights off and locked her door. Again, she took no notice of her surroundings until she ran into someone. "I'm sorry," she said, finally looking up to see who it was. "Oh, Chief Strauss. Can I help you?"
"Let's take a quick walk," she said, looking at her with concern. "Agent Hotchner called me. He said you weren't doing well. Is he right?" The concern evident in her voice caused Penelope to tear up once more.
"Maybe." She looked away from Erin, not wanting to see the gentleness in her face. "I called Morgan today on instinct. He didn't say a word to me, just handed the phone over to Hotch." Penelope sighed, rubbing her arms. "Not one single syllable." She felt Erin's hand on her shoulder and looked up to see they were in a secluded corner.
"Penelope, if you need to talk to anyone, just call me. I know that I haven't been the most open, warm person there is, but I do care." Penelope tried to smile, but the tears escaped first.
"I just want to talk to my best friend, Erin." She collapsed against the other woman, sobbing softly. Erin's arms wrapped around her, drawing her close. "I hate this, I really do."
"I know, Penelope, and I brought this on you. I'm sorry."
Penelope looked up into Erin's blue eyes. "Don't blame yourself, please." She reached up and touched Erin's face gently. "I, oh, what does it matter? In the scheme of things, does anything matter?" She leaned in and kissed Erin's cheek. "Now, I'm going home. Have a lovely evening." She brushed past Erin and made her way to the elevator bank. She could feel Erin's eyes on her back. The woman saw too much, that was certain.
The rest of the week passed by with excruciating slowness. Alpha team's case took forever to close and the more she dealt only with Hotch, the more despondent she felt. Finally she got the call that they were coming home, and would be back in the office the next morning. "Penelope, Dave would like to talk to you. May he?"
"Of course, Hotch." She heard the phone being handed over and Hotch's low warning to Rossi. And then, there was his voice.
"Hey, Kitten. Hotch here tells me that you've been kinda down and that it's partially my fault. He's right, by the way. I do bear some of the blame for not taking the lead and defending you. Did you get the flowers I had delivered? I thought I remembered that you like lilies."
"They were beautiful, Dave. Thank you."
"Listen, I've been thinking about what you said, the morning after. I believe you…"
"Your vote of confidence warms my heart, it really does. Too bad it doesn't bring my best friend back." Exhaling forcefully, she ran her hand through her hair. "I'll see you tomorrow." She hung up the phone and fell back on her sofa, a heaviness filling her heart once more.
In the morning, she made sure to get to work early. On her desk was a nosegay of small flowers, and this time, she knew they were from Erin. The small bouquet had her hand all over it. She picked up the nosegay and held it tightly to her chest, trying to impress the sweet memory in her mind. After twenty minutes had gone by, someone knocked on her door. "Come in."
"Hello, Penelope. We're back. Dave wanted to come here, but didn't know if he'd be welcome. He does want to see you, if that'd be all right," Hotch said lowly as he stepped into the office, giving her one of his rare smiles.
"All right, Hotch." She got up from her chair and followed him out into the bullpen, the nosegay still in her hands.
"Rosemary, that's for remembrance," Hotch said softly, looking at her bouquet."
"I'm sorry?"
"Nothing, it's just for a moment you reminded me of Ophelia, from Hamlet."
She smiled sadly at Hotch. "I feel a little like Ophelia at the moment."
"Penelope."
"Yes, Hotch?"
"It gets better, I promise."
"Erin told me the same thing. I don't believe her either." Rossi was standing outside his office and as soon as she was close enough, he pulled her into a tight hug while three hostile pairs of eyes looked on. "Rossi?"
"I'm sorry. I just hope it's not too little, too late, Kitten."
She pulled away from him and looked down at Morgan. He narrowed his eyes and looked away from her, his mouth tightening into a frown. "I think that it is, Dave. If you'll both excuse me, I-I have work to do." She turned on her heel and fairly fled back to the security of her office.
As she took a seat at her desk once more, sudden clarity filled her mind. He would never forgive her, no matter what she did. Resolved, she pulled out her favorite pen, one Derek had given her long ago, and put it in its box. She got up and slipped out of the bullpen unnoticed.