Chapter One

November 1, 1873

Dearest Rhett,

I hope this finds you well. I am aware that you most certainly do not want to hear from me now, and indeed, that your sentiments in that regard may very well never change. Perhaps this will find its way into the fire without your ever opening it. Although, that is far from what I hope, it in an unusual way gives me the strength I need to do this thing.

It has been almost a month now since you removed yourself from my life. I say with complete honesty that this has undoubtedly been the darkest time I have ever faced. I feel the lack of your presence more acutely than ever I felt the pains of starvation and poverty. So now I am sitting in your empty study missing you terribly, and preparing to do the only thing I feel left to me, and most assuredly the one thing I owe you the most. I am going to be honest. Honest with both you and I about everything. Honest about every action, motive, thought, hope, and fear. In essence, I am putting aside all pretenses, and baring my soul. I know this very well may be falling on deaf ears, and a hardened heart. Be that as it may, I feel the need to at least try to set right some of the wrongs I have done you. I hope in the process that this will afford me a measure of healing as well. So Rhett, I am in essence making my correspondence to you a journal of sorts. It seems fitting. I always trusted you above all others with my thoughts, and I suspect that will always be the way of it.

With heart-wrenching clarity, I know the exact moment that our marriage began to crack and I must take full responsibility for that moment. It was a mistake I will forever regret. I regretted demanding separate sleeping quarters the moment I spoke the words. I wanted to take it back, but my pride refused to let me go to you. It seems as if my pride was always in the way. That first night was unbearable, and the nights that followed never became easier as I thought they would. Although I would never have admitted it before, I freely do now; I missed you. I missed speaking with you long after the house had become silent, and I missed the security of lying in your arms. It took me so long to realize that you were what kept the nightmares away, and when I cast you out they returned. Still my pride kept me from telling you I had made a mistake.

I was an utter fool to ever make such a request. I thought I was being loyal to something and someone greater than myself. I see now that I was only driving the person most vital to me away. Oh Rhett, how could I have ever been so blind and misguided to have believed that I loved Ashley? It all seems so very clear to me now that he was never what I truly wanted or needed. Why did it all have to become clear so very late?

I knew you to be angry with my decision. I just never fathomed that it was because I was hurting you. I assumed your anger was due to the fact that not only was I denying you your marital rights, but also that I was refusing to give you more children. Either I could not or was unable at the time to think that you were angry with me for any other reason.

It is plain to me now that I hurt you deeply, and that is why you turned to that Watling creature. I must forever live with the knowledge that I alone drove you to her. I should have known my feelings for you were more than mere fondness. As clear as everything is to me now, I know that I was jealous of the fact that you found comfort in another woman. If only I had allowed myself to look within myself more thoroughly, I just may have recognized the fact that I loved you sooner, and saved us both so much pain and anguish.

Looking back through all the years of our acquaintance, I think I must have known somewhere deep within myself that I loved you. I at times would even question myself on the possibility. I thought myself utterly ludicrous for entertaining such thoughts, and would quickly push them to the recesses of my mind. I always came to the same conclusion whenever I thought on the matter; I was firm in my belief that I loved Ashley, so therefore it was impossible for me to love you. Oh how I wish I had examined my heart more completely. I just know with certainty that if I had, I would have found the love for you that I know was there all the while.

You know more than anyone how much I hate to look back. I have always felt that there is no use in revisiting things that can not be changed. I still hate to look back, but now I feel that I must. Since you have left, I find myself going over every moment that you and I ever spent together. I see it all play out before me as if I were watching a stage show. I see the good times and the bad ones too. I see every mistake that was made. Most of all I see the beautiful, happy, and glorious life we could have shared; that I so carelessly threw away.

What have my childish hopes and fantasies provided me with? Nothing! The multitude of things I have striven for in life have all eluded me. I no longer feel any sense of security; that vanished the moment you walked away. Yes, I may have money, but what good is it? It will not give me back the things I now know I value most in this world. It will not give me back Melly, or our precious Bonnie, and most importantly it will not bring you back to me. I would gladly send all the money and possessions I have to the devil himself if only I could have all of you back for just one day. I can see now that what I was searching for the most in this cruel world was love. I had it once, and I was too blinded by my childish ideals to see it. Now it has all slipped through my fingers, and for that I have only myself to blame.

It is growing late now, and this journey into my heart has tired me more than I dreamed possible. Rhett, I have so much more to say on so many matters. I feel as if a dam as been breached, and I must get it all out, so I will continue to write to you as if you were a confidant instead of an estranged husband. Whether you read this or not I may never know, but if you do please know that I am not writing to drive from you some sense of guilt or obligation. I am writing to you simply because I want you to know the truth of my heart.

Love Always,

Scarlett

Scarlett stepped onto the busy Atlanta street after posting her letter to Rhett. Although she had been apprehensive about sending the letter, she felt like a small weight had been lifted from her. She knew that he more than likely would throw the letter into the flames the moment he saw that it was from her, but still she felt better for putting a bit of her tumultuous emotions into words.

All the losses she had endured in recent months were still too raw. She knew with time that the pain of losing Melly, and even to some degree Bonnie, would start to heal, but she felt that the loss of Rhett would always feel far too fresh. Like a wound that constantly festered. "No help for that now" she thought.

She wanted him to come back to her, but that's not why she had written. For once she was actually trying to be unselfish. She knew that as much as she was hurting right now, that Rhett was in pain as well. Whether he still loved her or not, their marriage and her lack of emotion had cost him so much. She truly wanted to offer him some peace of mind, and hoped that the process would help to dull the ache she felt in her heart without him.

A/N: This is my very first story ever. So as a result I have no idea where I will be taking this. Any ideas or suggestions are most welcome. I read GWTW a bit earlier this year and absolutely fell in love with it (and Rhett of course.) I read all the sequels, and there were parts of each that I did like, but as a whole they left me unsatisfied. I went looking for something to satisfy my obsession (it truly has become one), and alas starting reading fanfic. I have read some great stories on here. There are some truly amazing writers on this site. Well anyways, the idea of writing something of my own has been bugging me for weeks now, so I figured I'd give it a go. I have no idea whether this is or will be any good. The problem I have is that I can see in my head at times exactly what I want to say, but writing it is another story altogether. Plus I don't know if I'm capable of being very descriptive with things, so that's why I thought I would at least start this off as a series of letters. Well before I bore anyone to death here, I'll stop here and just say thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, and an even bigger thank you if you think it's even remotely enjoyable.