Chapter Four

December 4, 1873

Scarlett,

Your last letter was rather difficult to read. Do you truly believe that revisiting all the painful moments of our rather tragic saga is of any use or help to either one of us? I feel confident that I know the answer, but I ask it of you all the same. You would not be the Scatlett I know and once loved if you did not do everything in life the hardest way possible.

Although, you have stated that you do not expect or require me to respond to your outpouring of emotion, I feel some lingering sense of duty to put your mind at ease, at least in regards to the areas where it warrants that ease. No, I suppose you did not deserve the cruelty I showed you upon my return from Belle's establishment. My conduct was deplorable; I should have exercised better judgment in choosing my words. As I stated on the eve of my departure, I was afraid; afraid of seeing that you indeed did not love me, afraid of seeing that all of my efforts were for naught; most of all, afraid that you would see the love I held for you and mock me for it. I am sorry, Scarlett, you did not deserve my words or my conduct.

It pains me tremendously to revisit this area of our marriage, but again I feel I must put you at ease as much as it is within my power to do so. I did want our child. When I returned with Bonnie and you revealed that you were to have another baby, my heart soared. I wanted nothing more than in that moment to wrap you in my arms and show you just how much I loved you, and how elated I was by the news. What stopped me short was the contempt I saw in your eyes. When I looked in them I was sure there was no joy in them. All I could see was loathing. I was sure you hated me for causing you to have another child. Worst of all, I was certain you did not want the baby simply because it was mine. Even writing of it now tears a chasm in my heart. I do not want you to berate yourself over the loss of our child. The fault of that is mine to shoulder. My words to you were unforgivable; even if my assumptions had been correct I should have kept better reign on my tongue.

Perhaps I have been too unjust with you in my criticisms. After all, you have done nothing more than what I always encouraged you to do. I told you to do what you wanted in life, to forget societies standards, apologize for nothing, and just be who you truly were. You did just that. Why should I grumble when you follow my direction, but neglect to show me the love and care that I knew you did not feel. Looking back now, it seems the epitome of cruelty on my part to encourage you to be true to yourself, but at the same time to punish you most severely for not showing me a love you did not feel at the time.

I think that it was incredibly selfish of me to marry you knowing all the while that your heart was not truly mine. When you failed to return my love I became bitter and spiteful towards you. I condemned you because you were not following the plan that I had made for our life together. My treatment of you was of the lowest measure, and that, Scarlett, is not your doing. How could you possibly live up to an expectation that I never saw fit to inform you of?

I want you to know that I harbor no ill feelings towards you. I do in fact have many fond memories of our time together. New Orleans especially, is a time that I will always look back on with great happiness. My only regret with regards to our honeymoon (besides the fact that you were not in love with me as I was with you) is that we ever returned. I often wonder if things would have been different if I had insisted on us leaving Atlanta. The only reasons I did not insist upon it were, that I wanted you to be able to continue running the mill and the store. They seemed to give you happiness and peace, and I was loathe to take that away. The other reason was rather selfish on my part; if you indeed ever came to love me I wanted it to be because of me alone, not just because Ashley Wilkes was out of sight out of mind, so to speak.

Scarlett, I may not be able to be your husband any longer, but I will always be your friend. I do not wish for you to spend your life in hurt and agony over past mistakes. Take those mistakes and use them as they are meant to be used, as character builders. You my dear, have always had more spirit and character than any woman should. It is one of the things that I always loved and admired most in you. You have always overcome any obstacle in your path and you shall to overcome this.

Now on to practical and pressing matters. I did say when I left that I would return often enough to keep the gossip down. I will remain true to my word in that regard. I am sure you are aware that the Christmas season is fast approaching, and gossip would surely ensue if I were not present with you and the children during that time. I have business that I must first attend to, but I will arrive in Atlanta a few days before Christmas if that is agreeable to you. I can stay in attendance just past the new year. I will of course keep up my part and keep the holidays with you and the children, as well as attend with you the required social functions of the season. I assure you that to the outside populace I will be the picture of the doting husband and stepfather. As far as our personal encounters are concerned, I want you and the children to enjoy the holidays, so I would like us to find a common ground in friendship. I would prefer that Wade and Ella not have to endure any tension between us. We must find a way to put all personal feelings aside and give them some sense of normalcy.

You can write to me at my mothers home here in Charleston to inform me if you are in agreement. I will remain here to finish with my business matters until I depart for Atlanta. If the arrangements meet with your approval I will wire you with the date and time of my arrival.

Rhett

Rhett sat that evening pondering his return to Atlanta. Would he be able to spend that long a period of time in the presence of his wife? Would they be able to keep up appearances, or would this be a disaster? As much as he told himself that he was only gong to keep the gossip down, there was a part of him that wanted to see her. He just did not dare look to closely at the reason why.

Rhett also thought of the possibility of perhaps getting her to agree to a divorce. At the thought of divorce his heart gave a very startling lurch. "Damn the woman, I need to stop reading her letters."

In his mind it was just an odd bit of sentimentality that lingered. After all she was the mother of his child, so it was perfectly normal for him to have a twinge of regret at the thought of her not being his wife any longer. Wasn't it?

Yes he was starting to feel remorse for his part in the destruction of their tumultuous marriage together. But to him there was no choice but to end his entanglement with Scarlett, whether by divorce, or estrangement and separation. In his eyes what was broken remained broken and was unrepairable. There was no chance for a reconciliation.

Why then if this was the case, did he feel a sense of bereavement and loss whenever the thought of divorcing her crossed his mind?

A/N: Again so sorry it took me ages to update this story. I still find Rhett very difficult to write (probably because his vocabulary is so much larger than my own). But tonight I decided to give it a go and it seemed to go a bit smoother. As I'm sure you can tell, we're getting very close to an actual face to face. That's the part that's scary to me. I think I'm gonna have to play around with the writing before I get it the way I see it my head. I just hope I'm up to the challenge. So we will probably have one more letter before we get there. Hopefully I can get that up soon, seeing as Scarlett is so much easier for me to write. Again thank you to all who read and review, especially if your think this is still good. As always feedback and suggestions are more than welcome.