Chapter Five

December 12, 1873

Dearest Rhett,

Thank you for trying to lighten the guilt I carry. It does help to know that you do not find me at fault for all that went wrong. It means even more to know that you do not hate me. I would understand if you did; the knowledge of it would devastate me, but I would understand all the same. It is also of great relief to know that you did in fact want the baby that we lost. If there is such a place as heaven, it helps to think that our children our there; secure in the knowledge that they were loved and wanted by us.

I find it to be a large coincidence that you would write of our honeymoon. I have been thinking back on it quite a bit myself. I truly did have a wonderful time. You promised that marriage to you would be fun, and you showed me such a delightful and fun time while we were there. Those were truly the happiest days of our marriage. I just wish that I had known everything then that I know now. I too wonder what would have happened if we had never returned. I would love to return to New Orleans someday, but I fear without you with me that it would pale in comparison to that first visit.

I would love nothing more than to continue to pour my heart out onto this paper but I want to post this to you this morning so that it might reach you in Charleston by the weeks end. The arrangements that you have made for the holidays are more than generous and I am in agreement with them. The children will be thrilled that you will be here for Christmas. They constantly ask when you will be returning. I have been so unsure as to how to answer them. I kept telling them that you were away on business and were unsure how long it would keep you away from home. I think they can sense that something is not quite right. Wade keeps to himself most of the time and Ella isn't nearly as talkative as she usually is. I try to spend more time with them now, but they seem to be wary of me. You were right I suppose; my children are scared of me. I have been trying to earn their love and trust and I fear that it may be impossible. I freely admit that I do not possess the patience that Melly had for children, but I do love them and have always done the best I could to see them provided for. I am trying hard to see them each for who they are and not for the men that fathered them.

I will try my best to keep everything between us friendly over the holiday season, not only for the children but for you as well. I know it must be difficult for you to return here so soon. I will do whatever I can to make the return home as comfortable as possible. If there are any special preparations you would like me to make, please just inform me when you wire me of your travel arrangements and I will be sure to have everything made ready for you.

I would not write of this now; I hate to bring to mind for you anything that is perhaps to painful to think on. But I know I need to ask, and I admit to being too much of a coward to wait and discuss it once you arrive. I have been unable to bring myself to put away any of Bonnie's belongings. One reason being that, it is just too painful. The largest reason being by far that, I am reluctant to do anything without your involvement. I will wait for you to inform me of what you would like to do. I will not mention the matter again to you, and if you say nothing I will do nothing until you tell me you are ready.

I will close here so that I can send this with Pork to be posted. I look forward to your arrival and hope you are doing well.

Love Always

Scarlett

He was coming home; Rhett was really coming home. Although, He had said when he left that he would return to keep the gossip down, part of Scarlett feared that he would never come back. After two long months of living with darkness, she felt like there was now a little ray of light coming through. It didn't matter that he wasn't coming home to stay; all that mattered was that he would be here, even if it was to be for only a short time. She would deal with the wrenching pain of him leaving when the time for it arrived. For now she was thrilled that the husband she loved would be home. It didn't matter that he no longer wanted her love. All that mattered was, that she loved him and that she would be able to see him once again.

After sending her letter to Rhett, off with Pork to be posted, she called for Prissy.

"Prissy I need all of the Christmas decorations brought out right away."

With a look of profound confusion, Prissy asked, "Why dat Miss Scarlett, I's thawt you'd din want no decorations dis year?"

"Mr. Butler will be home for the holidays, and I want all of the decorations up when he returns." Scarlett replied with her usual tone of authority.

"When Mistah Rhett gonna be home?" Prissy asked, immediately grabbing onto the most important bit of information in that statement.

"I'm not sure of the exact day. He is going to wire me his travel arrangements. Now Prissy, don't dawdle. Start on getting all of the decorations; there is much to be done, and not a lot of time to do it."

"I's will start right away." Prissy stated meekly, her mind already focusing on all the work ahead of her and everyone else to make the house ready.

Scarlett was in much higher spirits than she had felt anytime recently, that day as she went to her store to attend to the day's work. The only cloud that seemed to hang over her was in regards to how she was supposed to keep things neutral between herself and Rhett when he arrived. True, she no longer felt any desire to fight, quite the contrary. She wanted nothing more than to enjoy an ideal holiday with her husband but theirs was not the ideal marriage; it never had been, and each time she thought on it, the realization would hit her anew, like a heavy stone in the chest, that it never would be, because Rhett was not returning for any other reason than to keep up appearances and gossip down. She wanted to show him in every way possible that she did indeed love him and just how deep that love went, but she knew that he would welcome no such overtures from her. How was she supposed to remain polite but impassive in his presence? She no longer wanted to live in the indifferent state her marriage had become. She wanted to love and be loved by her husband. And now that she knew she loved him, how was she to refrain herself from showing it to him? She understood that he no longer wanted her affection, she just hoped that she could compose herself while he was home.

She went through the day in much the same way as any other day. She organized the books, decided which stock should be brought out, gave orders as to how the displays should be arranged, complained about the clerks incompetence; in short she had everyone standing on pins and needles the entire time she was present. But throughout it all she continued to reflect on her situation. She wanted everything to go well for the children, herself, and for Rhett as well. It was the first Christmas without Bonnie, and Scarlett knew that it would be particularly hard for him. He had loved Bonnie so much; that the prospect of facing the holiday without her exuberance and laughter must be daunting for him. She wanted him to know that she understood his grief and shared it, but she feared to even speak of their daughter in his presence.

As the day and her thoughts progressed, Scarlett wondered if she should give Rhett a Christmas gift. Would he accept a gift from her? Would he think that she was trying to buy his affection? Finally reaching a decision on the matter, she looked at the clock on her desk and decided that she had enough time. Scarlett gathered her belongings and abruptly said to the clerks, "Be sure to make sure that the display is finished by the end of the day." and left.

With a determination that she faced everything in life with, Scarlett O'hara Butler walked down the busy street of Atlanta with a destination clear in her mind.

When she reached the shop that she wanted she entered without even a second thought. She thought to herself, "Even if he hates me, I need to do it. If I can't say it than I'll have to show it somehow."

As she entered the shop the old man behind the counter looked up. "How can I be of service to you today ma'am?

Scarlett made a silent wish that Rhett would in fact see her gift as what she meant it to be, before answering, "I surely hope you can sir. You see I need a Christmas gift for my husband and I dearly hope you can have it ready in time."

A/N: Again, so sorry to keep everyone waiting. I've had the first part of this done for a little while now. As you can see we're starting to venture away from letters and get close to "actual" scenes. That's what took me so long. I wanted to take the other parts slow and get a feel for writing the dialogue and such. I hope everyone continues to like this story. If this isn't as good as previous chapters, please feel free to let me know. All I ask is just let me know why. I can handle the criticism, so long as it's constructive...lol. Suggestions as always are more than welcome, it definitely helps me to develop the story and my writing abilities. I have some ideas written down for the other chapters, let's just pray I can tie it all together. The next chapter should have Rhett and Scarlett coming face to face with each other, so please bear with me while I work hard in my head as well as at the computer to get it right. Again thank you so much to all who read and review. You guys have been wonderful and I appreciate all the support.