Disclaimer: I do not. I swear to God, I do not. I don't even...
Cat
You stand there, stunned. More than stunned, you're flabbergasted, bewildered, perplexed. You remember to drag in a breath, the air rushing in, your lips still sensitive, still wet from Tori's lips. T-tori's lips... She kissed you. With her lips. On your lips. You shiver at the thought. When you kissed her before it was... nice. Her lips were soft and warm. It was a kiss like any other kiss... just with Tori. But this... this was different – Tori kissed you and you kissed her back.
You've kissed people before. You've done a lot of kissing, actually. You like kissing. It feels nice and makes you all fluttery inside. You know how kissing feels, is what you're trying to say. It didn't feel like that with Tori. It was different. You didn't feel like you, you felt like... some shaking thing, filled with this heat, this hot, pulsing, churning. You'd wanted to take it further, wanted to put your hands on Tori's hips, slide them under her shirt and touch her skin.
You thought you knew what you were, but Tori makes you not you, makes you feel, makes you do all these things that Cat doesn't do. Cat doesn't kiss her friends, Cat doesn't want to touch them, to touch under their shirts and – Cat never has. But you still feel like Cat, just a different kind of Cat... the kind of Cat who does do those things. Tori's Cat, the kind of Cat only she makes you, the kind of Cat she's... always made you. You like the Cat you are with her... you're just not sure exactly who that Cat is yet. You're still getting to know her.
You wanted to kiss her. As soon as she pulled back from the hug, her hands hot on the skin of your shoulders, you wanted to. You tried to tell yourself you didn't, that it was just because Tori was so close. You overlooked the fact that Tori having that effect on you was proof in itself.
Having Tori kiss you, kissing her back instinctively, eagerly... it wasn't like anything you've ever done, anything you'd ever felt. It was brief, but it was amazing. You're dazed, still feeling Tori's lips ghosting over yours, still tasting her when you lick your lips. What does this mean? You felt something when she kissed you, something you've never felt before. Something strong that made your head swim, even in that brief time. You don't like Tori like that. You know that. But you don't feel this way about a friend. You don't feel something like that for a friend. Your heart doesn't get hot and heavy in your chest, excitement doesn't prickle through your veins, you don't instantly feel this rush of... joy, for a friend. You don't feel these urges for a friend. You don't like Tori, you know that... but... you think you might love her.
Your heart pounds hard in your chest as the realisation crosses your mind, as if it's trying to agree, trying to tell you that's what it's been saying all along. You... you love her? You're in love with her? It doesn't make any sense to you, how could you not know? You're supposed to know if you're falling in love with someone... that's supposed to be the best part. It's supposed to be strong and sudden and you're supposed to know. But if you're not, why does it feel so right to think it? Why does it feel so right when you whisper it out loud in the quiet room, your voice wondering. Why does your heart hurt, so much that you put a hand to it, trying to hold it in? How can you know from just one kiss? Just from her kissing you? It was just one kiss, so sweet, but so brief. How could it do so much?
Because it was Tori kissing you.
You hug yourself, arms crossed, hands gripping where Tori's hands had been so soon before. You lick your lips, eyes closing, wedging your lip between your teeth because it helps you remember. And you want to remember, you never want to forget. Maybe you could forget last time, but this... this you can't ever forget.
Your eyebrows furrow as you play the scene out in your head. Tori pulled back, just as you'd leaned more into her, your heart thudding. A tickle runs up your spine as you remember the soft sound your lips made when they parted. It makes it real to you. But Tori had stumbled back, had scrambled as far away from you as she could get, her eyes wide and confused, matching your own.
You let your hands slide down your shoulders, uncrossing until they hand loosely by your sides, palms open. Your stomach churns as you remember Tori's rushed apology as she practically ran out. The worst part is, she's already rejected you. You didn't mind before because you didn't realise. And then she had to kiss you and open your eyes. Why did she have to kiss you? It's cruel, it's a cruel joke that you can't understand. It's not something Tori would do, you know that, but that's how it feels right now. You love her, and you've already lost her.
You hear the bell chime, and it doesn't excite you like it usually does, doesn't make you happy to skip off to class because you know you're going to see your friends. Going to see Tori. You don't feel like moving, this insistent throbbing making your chest ache. If this is love, then it hurts.
You stir yourself into motion, and it's weird... your limbs feel all heavy, all sluggish, and you've never felt like this, like you were wading through syrup. How can things change so quickly? But then, they always have for you. You switch so easily from one mood to another, and you hope that's all this is. It doesn't feel like it, but you hope it is. It hurts to feel like this, and you don't want to hurt, you want to switch back to what you were before. You've always liked yourself, even when other people haven't. You've always found somewhere in your head that you liked, some thought you could burrow into and cheer yourself up with. But all that's in there now is Tori, and while that used to be fine, it used to be great, it just hurts now. There's nowhere safe to go. Maybe if you were someone else, you could think this through, you could calm down and maybe see that it wasn't such a big deal... but you can't. You're you, and you can't change that and you've never wanted to until now. Maybe it is love. But you thought love was supposed to be happy, and you're not happy. You'd be happy if Tori were here, if she'd stayed... if she hadn't kissed you in the first place. Why couldn't she just go along with you? Why couldn't she just agree to forget about it? Maybe you could've fallen out of love with her, maybe you wouldn't have realised at all. That would've been fine with you. What you don't know won't hurt you, and curiosity killed the cat.
You open the door to your locker, and you still feel like you're moving so slowly. You want things to speed up again, to go back to normal time, so then this feeling wouldn't last so long. So you could switch back like you always do. You want to switch back. You want to feel light again.
Tori's already turned you down, already said she didn't like you. But... but you didn't like her either, until... well, until you realised. A flicker of hope starts in you. Maybe... maybe she could like you that way, maybe she loves you too. Maybe she was just like you were, maybe... maybe the two of you could be together. A small smile turns up the corners of your lips. This is the switch you were hoping for. Doubt still has it's cobwebs spun around your heart, but you feel lighter, like you're brushing some of them away. It still hurts... maybe that's just how love feels, you're not sure, but the syrup is gone. You can move again, you can lift your head. You're still scared to see her though. Hope is a lovely thing, but it hurts when it's crushed. Sometimes you wish your feelings weren't so fragile, but you can't help it, you can't stop them from veering all over the place. You try to quash some of that hope. It's too fragile, you can't hope too much. You know what you're like... you'll convince yourself that Tori does love you, that she has to, and then you'll be sad when she doesn't.
This isn't something you can let you be yourself about, you have to be someone else for this. You have to feel less, because this is important, this is serious. You can't be Cat for this, Cat is too soft, too vulnerable. She'd make Tori feel bad about not loving her, she'd cry and fall apart and not be able to see Tori. You have to be Jade for this. You have to not care, to not feel anything so Tori feels okay. You have to. For Tori. You love her so much, you're going to pretend not to love her so much, so she doesn't feel so bad about not loving you. That hope still flickers though. You still have that slight smile on your face as you walk to class. You can still feel her lips on yours.
A/N: Today... it's apparently Thanksgiving for all you Americans.
So... let's be thankful, hey?
Give your sweet thanks to me, so that I may put them into a pie, bake them, and eat them. Let's be thankful for good spelling, for... decent grammar, and a coherent story. Let's not take those things for granted, because some people are unfortunate. Some people aren't blessed with the skills to spell and speak in an understandable manner.
So give thanks, and I will share my pie of gratitude with you. The filling? LOVE.