The thing is, Nikki thought all weekend, the thing is that I may have blown it with a wonderful man like Daniel over having nothing with Harry! Yes, friendship mattered but she wanted more. She wanted happily ever after: a husband, children, the picket fence, a cat. With Daniel it could have been a real possibility. With Harry there was no chance of that. All weekend she picked up her phone to call Daniel and ask him to give her a last chance again, but once she held the phone in her hand she found she couldn't call him. Harry had said a little while back that it would come down to making a choice between friendship with him or love with Daniel. All weekend she kept thinking she should choose love with Daniel. Wasn't he all a woman could wish for? He had been so good to her, he didn't deserve to be set aside like that. He didn't deserve to be second choice and yet, in her heart, she knew Daniel was right: he was second choice. Harry was first, Daniel was right about that too. But what future was there with Harry? None! Why on earth should she choose Harry over Daniel? And yet she did. Harry just knew her, he was there for her, he knew her demons and her joys, he was intelligent, he was gorgeous and he understood her work as it was his work too, they shared that. He accepted her, faults, doubts and all and he made her laugh like no one else could. He touched her to the core, he had seen her at her highest and at her lowest and he still loved her in his way, as a friend, her best friend. Friend... Just being a friend wasn't enough anymore. It had been enough for 6 years but it wasn't enough any more… And Harry, Harry wasn't ready for more. He never would be. She needed to call Daniel! Again she picked up the phone… and couldn't.
Nikki didn't sleep well all weekend and when she came in to work on Monday she was taciturn and crabby. Harry noticed, Leo noticed. They worried about her but she waved them off. This was not their problem, this was hers.
Close to the end of week Harry had had it apparently as he showed up in the early evening on her doorstep, saying just that.
"Nikki, I've had it. You've not been yourself all week. I've noticed, Leo's noticed, all the staff have noticed. So, please let me in and tell me what's wrong."
"I'm alright. Please go." Nikki said at the door.
"You are not alright," Harry insisted, "You work non stop, when you do take a break you stare into space, when I speak to you, you find an excuse and go do something else. You can't shut me out forever, Nikki. I know you have Daniel now but I still am your friend. Talk to me, I want to help."
Nikki studied him for a few moments while he was standing there at her door, looking at her with concern written all over his face. She then stepped aside without a word and let him in. He found his way to the living room while Nikki went to the kitchen and poured herself and him a glass of wine. Harry was sitting in her armchair, she handed him a glass of wine and then sat down on the couch. He didn't press for her to speak and she just slowly turned her glass into her hand, staring at it. That was the lovely thing about Harry. He was insistent in wanting to help her but he knew when to stay silent and wait for her to speak. There were so many lovely things about Harry! Ever since Hungary it was as if all her feelings had been unleashed and she finally allowed herself to openly think about what she loved about Harry. Sometimes she wished she could push her feelings for Harry to the background again, but that was impossible.
They sipped their wine in silence until Nikki finally spoke.
"I don't have Daniel anymore," she said quietly.
Harry immediately got up and sat down beside her on the couch. "I'm so sorry," he said gently, taking her free hand and squeezing it. Nikki enjoyed the sensation of his hand holding hers and smiled. "It's alright," she said presently, "Now you know and you can go." But Harry didn't budge.
"What happened?" he asked. She felt him studying her closely and she turned to look him. You. You happened, she wanted to say, but she didn't. She just looked at him, studying his eyes as he was studying hers. There was a softness there, a tenderness in his glance that almost made her heart melt. She quickly turned to look back to her glass of wine in her right hand before he could catch any of the tears she felt welling up inside her.
"I think we went as far as we could go with the relationship," she said. "I'm not sure I did the right thing in letting him go, he really is a wonderful man, but… I don't think I could offer him all he really wanted."
"I'm sorry," Harry said again. Nikki took in a deep breath, withdrew her hand from Harry's and got up.
"It really is alright," she said again, walking towards the dining room cupboard and taking out a small bag of peanuts, filling it into a bowl. Not that she was hungry for anything; she just needed to be doing something other than feeling Harry touch her and being so close to her. "I just need to work some things out in my head over this, but I'll be fine," she continued, "Now, please stop worrying. Leo needs to stop worrying too. Thank you for being concerned."
"That's what friends are for," Harry smiled as she put the nuts down on the coffee table and sat down in the armchair.
Nikki smiled back. "Thanks," she said and then continued, "And now you'd better get going before Kate comes looking for you and finds you're gone and, heaven forbid, finds you are in my flat!"
Instead of the Harry grin she expected, Harry now was the one to study his wine glass. "I'm not with Kate anymore," he said softly, "we separated three weeks ago."
Nikki's heart seemed to stop for a moment there. Had she heard correctly? "Pardon?" she asked incredulously.
Harry looked back up at her. "We separated three weeks ago," he repeated.
"And you didn't think to tell me about this?" she asked.
"I'm sorry."
"So, that's why she stopped coming round…" Nikki said, half to herself, then looked back at Harry again. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.
"I don't really know…"
"Yes, you do," Nikki insisted.
Harry looked her square in the eye, "I failed again in a relationship. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to hear I told you so." Nikki sat up to protest but he continued, "You warned me of superficial relationships and even if you wouldn't have said 'I told you so', I just didn't want… well, you are right and I don't want to talk about it…" he ended defensively.
Nikki gave a bitter little laugh. "Well, Harry, one of these days you will need to figure out what you really want out of life. Superficial relationships, close relationships or no relationships at all..."
This time it was Harry's turn to get up. He walked over to look out of the window. "I didn't come here to discuss me," he said tersely.
"No, we never can delve too deeply, can we?" Nikki said bitterly, "You want to know all about me but you can't share yourself. Is it really that terrifying to open up to me, Harry?"
Harry swung around to look at her, "Nikki, I do not want to tear you down into the abyss of my thoughts and feelings! You, you have an optimism and light and I do not want to bring you down!"
Nikki jumped up and walked over to Harry at the window, taking his hands in hers, "We all have an abyss, Harry! It doesn't mean we have to be alone in it forever!" She was looking deeply into his eyes, desperately.
"I'd destroy you, Nikki, with my anger, with my skepticism, with my lack of belief in anything. You, you have optimism, you feel for people and believe in people despite what we witness in our work every day. I am unable to make any relationship other than the one with my mother work. I will not destroy what is good now with you," he pleaded.
"You wouldn't destroy me, Harry," Nikki whispered. "We have been so close for so long now; don't you think that if you could destroy me, I'd already have been destroyed by you by now? And look at me, I haven't been destroyed, I'm still here and I…lo…" but Nikki couldn't finish her sentence as Harry pulled her closer to him by her hands and crushed his lips to hers. He parted her lips with his tongue and they melted into each other, kissing passionately. Then, almost as soon as it had started, Harry ended the kiss and stepped back.
"I can't… I can't do this, Nikki…. I'm sorry…" he whispered and then quickly stepped back and made his way to her front door.
"Harry? Harry!" Nikki called after him, her heart still beating wildly from the moment she had just shared with him, but Harry didn't stop and was out the door.