What others said in reviews ...

"That was /awesome/. Especially considering I had to read quite a bit of Don Quixote (in the original Spanish) recently, so this was like... stress relief. In Tokyo. Yeah." nathan-p, 2010-05-13

December 1, 2010
I edited this chapter by explaining manga titles in brackets [like this]. *I made minor corrections, too.*

Thanks for reading this! The corresponding chapter of the public domain Don Quixote translation that I'm using is at {www. online-literature. com/ cervantes/ don_quixote/ 7/} (cut and paste inside the {funky brackets}, and remove the spaces to get the correct web address).

Dan Got Commissioned
Chapter 3

Dan stirred himself out of repose and stood abruptly. "Where's Senpai?" The maid holding the tiny rice wine cup bowed low from the waist and backed out of the room.

The other girl's face whitened and she bowed low also. Dan failed to regard her and left her in her humility while he paced the otherwise empty café.

In little time, the man with the round stomach walked swiftly into the café. The goth maid pitter-pattered at his heels, her head down. The moment Dan saw the manager, he fell to his knees and bowed his head to the floor, hands in front of him. "Senpai, I beg you, commission me!" Having finished his plea, he looked up and employed full use of puppy eyes.

The manager looked to the cosplay girls. "You failed to please him?"

The girl who had been waiting in bowed form slowly straightened and said, "He was happy until just now."

The manager looked back to Dan. Dan lowered his eyes and spoke again. "Senpai, if you commission me, I will defend you against alien scum."

Having reached his discomfort level, the manager grunted, "Get up! How can I talk to you while your face is stuck to the floor?" The girls melted into the shadows of the room as Dan stood up. The rice wine, which was a new experience for Dan, caused the room to tilt a bit to the left.

Round Man spoke in low tones, "All that goes on here is legal. No trouble with foreigners, either. I registered with the CGSP. Here's my list to prove it."

Dan watched Round Man open his brown leather wallet and pull out a white paper. He unfolded the official stationary colored with names of establishments, signatures and red stamped seals. Dan stared at the paper in awe as he recalled the List he inherited when his parents died.

"I have the List, too!"

Round Man shrunk back slightly as Dan pulled out his cell phone. Dan grinned at the manager, then stared into the cell phone. His face glowed from the electronic light, then he grinned again at the manager. "I have the List. The List!"

The manager folded his paper with particular speed and stuffed it into his wallet. With a soft voice and wide eyes, Round Man put a fatherly arm around Dan and ushered him to the largest table. "Young Kohai, why didn't you say so?" As soon as Dan sat down Round Man turned and hollered, "Wench, bring the wine!" The two maids nearly jumped in place before they scurried behind the counter.

Dan sat at attention. Round Man leaned forward and purred, "To whom may I thank for sending you my way?"

Dan put his cell phone in his pocket and cocked his head to one side. "To whom … what?"

Round Man stretched his back and hissed, "Who sent you?"

Dan was distracted by one of the maids carrying a platter balancing a heated tea pot of rice wine and two tiny cups. It was her manner of walking on her knees instead of her feet that made him stare. The breasts practically spilling out of her maid outfit also caught his eye.

Then Dan looked up and saw the creased forehead and bushy black eyebrows of Round Man an inch from his face. Dan got the joke just at that moment. He sighed in relief and felt his shoulders ease from tension he hadn't realized existed a moment before. "You did, Senpai! I asked you to commission me Alien Hunter."

Round Man slowly leaned back, his eyes nearly slits. Then he burst out in laughter. "I wish I was young like you, Kohai." He gestured for Dan to drink the rice wine. "It was Mushishi for me, back in the day."

Dan choked on the warm, sweet wine. "A mushi master!" His eyes worshiped Round Man.

The rotund fellow drained his cup and eyed Dan for a moment before chuckling, "It's the iron wok for me now [play on the title Iron Wok Jan]." Then he barked to the maid at the counter, "We will play hashiken!" The other maid appeared with six chopsticks.

Round Man snatched the chopsticks and handed three to Dan. He sneered at the maid waiting at the table, still on her knees. "Leave us!" She crouched onto her feet and hurried off, still hunched over.

"Rock! Paper! Scissors!" Round Man chortled. Dan shot out his straight hand. Round Man slowly produced a side-ways scissor hand. "You go first, then. Hide the chopsticks behind your back, like this. Then choose up to three chopsticks and bring them out."

"Okay."

"But hide them from me. Behind your arm!"

Dan looked up to see if he had succeeded.

Round Man cheered, "Very good! Now do it again, the proper way. Good. Now its my turn. If I can guess the number of your chopsticks and add mine to make exactly three, I win."

Dan nodded.

"I have to say either 'One!' or 'Five!' Now this part's a bit tricky. Are you paying attention?"

"Yes."

"I don't really have to explain 'One,' although I have to say it even if I choose no chopsticks at all. But for the two or three chopsticks, that's when I say, 'Five.' If our chopsticks together equal one or if we have five chopsticks, you win."

The numbers swirled in Dan's head. It was interrupted by Round Man's voice: "Now you say, 'Come on!'"

Dan looked at Round Man for a moment and then blurted out, "Come on!" In his excitement he lifted his arm and revealed the three chopsticks he was hiding.

Round Man said, "Five." He brought out two chopsticks. "Who won?"

Dan showed his three chopsticks and looked again at Round Man's two. "Did I?"

"Indeed! Well done. And now I drink up. Fill it to the brim, Kohai!"

Dan refilled Round Man's cup and watched him go bottoms up.

"And now we do it again. So I hide the chopsticks, pick a number, and now, I say, 'Come on.'" Round Man hid his hand behind his arm.

Dan put his chopsticks behind his back and considered his move. "Five." He brought out two chopsticks. Round Man had no chopsticks and said, "No winner this time, eh? Bring it on, Kohai. A samurai commander [referring to Samurai Commando: Mission 1549] can take it."

Dan proceeded with the drinking game, hiding his chopsticks. "Come on!" This time Dan ended up drinking, and the next time, and the following time as well. He wasn't paying attention because he was mesmerized by Round Man's tales of his personal love complex [a play on the Mature Adult manga entitled Love Complex], his search for Gold Roger's One Piece, his prized Golden Balls [Gintama], his switch to Dragon Speed as drug of choice [word play referring to the manga title Switch], his experience of Cherry Juice , his foray into Tekkon Kinkurito, as well as a fetish for groping female breasts which he aptly demonstrated on one of the maids. That made Dan giggle incessantly giving him cause to cover the bulge pushing up in his pants. His hand thus occupied made it impossible to hide his chopsticks and play the drinking game properly.

After winning several rounds of hashiken, Round Man concluded, "And now you have found me at this fine establishment, Kohai."

The final cup of rice wine went down Dan's throat like water.

Round Man's congenial voice turned acerbic, "Now why are you here?"

"For you to cosimmon … momission, comishmen …" Dan shook his head, which caused the room to dance the minuet. "To be Alien Hunter," he finally blubbered.

"Did you bring any money, Kohai?"

"Money? I just need to imagine it. How much would you like me to imagine?"

Round Man cursed quietly. "No, no, no. You must carry real money, Kohai. Don't always wait until you need it to 'imagine' it."

"Oh. Okay. I can do that, I guess."

"Good." Round Man stood. He sniggered, "I suppose I'll have to observe your abilities before I commission you. That would be prudent, wouldn't it?"

Dan stood and swayed. The two maids rushed to him.

"Have a go at it in the alley, Kohai. Let's see what you can do."

Dan's arms were over each of the maid's shoulders. He tried to make his hand grope the breasts of the maid on his left, but he only grabbed clouds of air. "Pervert," the maid whined as she pushed him outside.

The cool night air gave Dan a slightly clearer head. He had heard the maid's complaint and squinted up and down the alley to see where the offense had come from. It just so happened that a salary man was trotting through the alley. Dan saw the lecherous alien.

He blocked the villain's path and screeched, "Stopp rightt there, you per-verse." The man was stunned for a moment, and then caught a whiff of Dan's breath. He stepped aside to continue. Dan lunged for the man, making them both tumble to the ground.

"Nnno one messes wid meh girls, Bub-bah. I'm an ephelant stomping on you, arsh-hole."

Center Gai Security Patrol whistles screeched.

"That's meh trum-phet."

Round Man burst out of the club and grabbed Dan's shirt, hauling him up just as the CGSP arrived. "It's my nephew's birthday," he explained apologetically. "I shouldn't have let him drink. But I thought it would be harmless," he babbled.

The CGSP helped the salary man to his feet. "Forget it," the disheveled salary man mumbled, brushing his suit. "I don't have time for this."

The CGSP leader cautioned Round Man, "Better take care of your nephew. He's looking a bit gray in the face."

"Thatt cuz I'm a el-phe-lant!" Dan mumbled in triumph.

Round Man shook his head. "My mistake. It won't happen again."

The CGSP were done there and wandered further into the alley.

Round Man pulled Dan into the doorway of the club. "You want to be commissioned?" he growled. "You got it. Look, I'd make you bow down, but then you'd lay here all night. So just lean against the wall. I'll make this short and sweet."

"Swort and sheet. I like that," Dan drooled.

"Bring his bike!" he ordered one of the maids. "And you, hold him up!"

The goth maid grabbed him under his left arm. This permitted Dan's right hand free to caress her soft skin below her neck. "Whatt s'your name?"

"Tohru [a character named Tohru Honda in Fruits Basket]," she said acidly.

"Tohru-chan …"

"Now, look at me!" Round Man barked.

Dan forgot his attentions and drifted his gaze to Round Man. "I commission you … Alien Hunter! By order of …"

"Dana," Dan whispered.

"By order of Dana!" Round Man tossed a cup of cold water into Dan's face.

Drips of water ran down his bangs and over his nose as Dan slobbered, "Thank you, Senpai!" He leaned forward to hug Round Man.

Just then the maid with the bike intervened and Dan embraced the handle bars.

"Roc!" Dan said, tears forming in his eyes. He looked at the maid. "You'rre lovve-lee. Whatt s'your …"

The other maid said tersely, "Her name is Momo [the character Momo Sohma, Fruits Basket]."

"Momo-chan, I'll proteck you forr-evah."

"Get out of here!" Round Man blustered.

Dan slowly lifted his leg, attempting to straddle his bike. When he failed, Round Man grabbed the handlebars while the two maids walked him down the alley, away from Center Gai. They paused while Dan vomited his losses and then they gingerly led him further away from the club. They left Dan hovered over a water runoff drain. With a gentler voice, Round Man cajoled, "Go out there and kick some ass, Alien Hunter."

Dan was left with his bicycle toppled next to him and bile on his tongue. He slurred, "I did it, Dana," just before he closed his eyes.