Title: The Things iCarry
Summary: "We all carry these things inside us that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea."
Disclaimer: I don't own NUFFIN.
Author's note: Shoulda posted this yesterday, guys. Sorry! If you haven't read the first chapter, it's not really necessary, but I'd recommend you do. All the chapters have really little references to the other ones.
Anyway, I got no feedback on the first chapter but I don't really mind because as I said, this was really just for practice. Anyway, talk to you after you read for my other comments.
Spencer Shay was forgetful, and because of that, chose not to carry around any tangible objects with him, at least nothing that wasn't absolutely necessary. But the weight he carried was within him, and he couldn't let go of it.
His loneliness began the day his mother died and haunted him every day since then. It stuck in his memory so clearly. August 25th, 1994, one month and one day after Carly was born. He was twelve years old. On that day he was wearing blue jeans with holes in the knees, a black tee shirt and a blue plaid shirt.
His father gave him the news and his heart just… broke. That's all. His heart broke and he felt like there was a gaping hole in him, that everyone could see. He could never find the words to describe it, it just… sucked. That's all, in a nutshell, death sucks.
And from that day on he not only felt lonely, but truly alone.
Everything that was familiar and predictable in life was changed, all of the things that he held on to so unconsciously suddenly became conscious and it made him unhealthy, to say the least.
Like the way his mother always used to warm up her coffee in the microwave, forget about it, and leave it there.
He always expected her coffee mugs to be there when he would open it up but it was always empty.
He took down all the pictures with her in it, looking carefully at only the corners and then placing them facedown in the trash can.
The funeral came very quickly. He remembers his father didn't cry. Spencer had been constantly crying ever since she had died, he cried all night and all morning before the funeral, and he cried while he got dressed and his sobs showed no signs of slowing down. Looking in the mirror a few minutes before they had to leave, his father came into his room and sat him down on the bed.
"I know you're sad, son. I'm sad too." His father's voice was warm and inviting, though the way he stood over him and looked down at him was intimidating and almost threatening. "But now I need you to put on your bravest face. Let me see you be brave, Spencer."
And then his tears dried up, almost instantly after he said that. Spencer didn't cry at the funeral, either.
He didn't cry at all after that, no matter how much he wanted to. Sometimes he wanted to weep so badly, but it only added to the weight he carried internally. It was almost as if it had an opposite effect, all he wanted was a release, he longed to cry, but it only distressed him more.
Not long after the funeral his father left and went to the military, leaving him and Carly with their granddad. The goodbyes of his parents were never said and never explained and that's why it hurt him so much. It all just felt so unfinished. So incomplete.
Spencer went through the five stages like anyone else would, without his father there.
And now it's sixteen years later and Spencer is exactly the same. He's fine during the day, the loneliness is watered down to an unnoticeable state when he's around Carly, but when he closes his eyes and lets his mind wander and he's taken back to the same dark corners of his mind. Although he had "made love" to many women since he turned eighteen, he could never actually love a woman, since love and pain went hand-in-hand he avoided it at all costs. Every time he got with another girl he felt good for a while, but then woke up alone and felt worse and lonelier than before. It was a breath of fresh air, a simple feeling of "it's going to be okay" and then he was alone again. One step forward and two steps back. It was his way of numbing the pain, and he didn't want to stop because once he stopped the pain would just feel that many times worse for every girl he slept with. But he told himself he was simply waiting for one girl, just one girl, to stick around until morning and make him feel like he was actually something worth holding on to.
But what Spencer didn't realise was that the girls he so carelessly hooked up with were usually worse off than him, and searching for the same thing, and he rejected it. He was always so busy feeling sorry for himself in the morning he never put himself in the shoes of these girls, who undressed for him for the same reason- to feel special. To feel like something worth holding on to. He never realised he was hurting them just as much as they hurt him.
Lonely is a very dangerous thing to be.
Every time Spencer screwed a typical girl with a typical face and a typical body, the mutual feeling was unrequited. He loves her but she doesn't love him back. She loves him but he doesn't love her back. But really, neither of them felt anything true at all.
What he doesn't know is that he avoids love at all costs because he wants to be lonely. He never believed in love since his mother died and no girl could change his mind, whether she stays in the morning and makes him eggs or gives him the most passionate sex, he felt nothing but alone because that's what was familiar to him.
Someday Spencer will stop, he'll feel guilty, he'll spend a few nights without someone next to him and he'll finally feel the madness in his soul he had been avoiding for so many years.
Someday Spencer will stop, step outside, take a deep breath, and figure out who he is and who he wants to be and what is stopping him from getting there.
And the weight he carries, the weight of longing and brokenness and being alone, he will simply let go.
He'll learn to appreciate someone for who they are and he'll find stability in sleeping next to the same person every night.
Someday that will happen. But until it does happen, it's been sixteen years, two months, and five days since his mother died, and more than anything, he wanted to feel as if he wasn't truly alone.
Soooooooo… what do you think?
I actually find Spencer really, really hard to write. He's so whimsical and happy all the time I feel like I made him look like a madman. I feel like it's sporadic and messy and I'm going to pretend I did it on purpose because that's the way he thinks but it's really unintentional, haha. It was hard to connect the death of a mother with hooking up with random girls and it makes sense in my head but was hard to express.
So, tell me what you think! PLEASE review, I didn't get any on the first chapter but I think it's just because no one likes Carly without a ship.
THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE SEDDIE! See ya next Friday!