Chapter 5: How You Remind Me
As I watch Nolee run out of our locker room, a bit of myself dies. I didn't mean to hurt her. She's the only thing in my life that has ever been worth having. I don't want to lose her. I sit on the bench and put my head in my hands. I don't cry because I don't want to show my emotions. A real man doesn't cry, that much my father taught me. But all the while, I let the emotions build up inside of me. I want to scream, to hit something so hard that it breaks, and ultimately to let all of my emotions go in one solid act. So crying is the only way I can do it. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to let her think that I hated her. I don't hate her. I just….part of me wonders about if someone she thought was cuter were to come into her life would I be let alone just like the others. I saw how Nicky and Kurt felt after she left them and I don't want to suffer the same fate at her hands.
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
I look up when I hear the door open and see Ted enter. "Man, have you seen Nolee?"
My eyes flash a steely tone as I get up and storm over to Ted. Before I know it my hand has a tight hold of his throat and I'm snarling. "This is all of YOUR fault! Had you never told me what she had done then I never would have yelled at you! You can never understand what your putting me through! I should kill you right now!"
"Ran…dy…" Ted wheezes, "don't…hurt…me…not…my…fault…"
I growl as I shove him against the lockers, "What do you mean it isn't your fault!? It's all of your fault!"
"I…didn't….mean…" Ted is starting to not be able to breathe so I toss him against the floor.
"Didn't mean what?!" I scream. "Didn't mean for me to hurt her!? Didn't mean for me to accuse her of cheating on me with her!?"
"Yes…" Ted chokes, starting to get his wits about him.
I sit on the bench and let myself become weak, "It's over with her…she'll hate me…"
"No." Ted replies groaning.
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
"What do you know?" I ask, my eyes dark and cold.
"I know that she loves you almost as much as I love Cody. And I know that deep in your heart the only reason you're so protective of her is that you don't want to lose her. I'm sorry." Ted replies. His eyes show a pain similar to which he feels and suddenly I feel horrible. No wonder Nolee is mad at me. Just look at how I treat my friends.
"Ted…I'm sorry…" I apologize.
"It's okay. I understand how upset you are and I will do anything to help you. I know what it's like to feel broken and defeated." Ted nods, "So, where did your princess run off to?"
I shrug, "I have no idea. All I know is that she ran out on me crying."
I'm always waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Ted offers a hand to help me up, "Well, lets go look for her."
"I don't think that she wants to see me right now." I sigh, "Shouldn't I just leave her alone right now?"
Ted laughs as he pulls me up, "Rule number one: when a girl storms off in tears the most romantic thing you can do is run after her and find out what is wrong with her."
"It's romantic?"
"Oh yeah," Ted nods as we leave my room, "Girls really like it when you risk your own emotions to try and save other hers. Haven't you ever seen The Notebook?"
"Definitly not, Nolee doesn't watch chick flicks. Why?"
"Cody made me watch that movie. If you want to see into the minds of girls, I recommend you watch it." Ted nods.
"I'll put that on my list…"
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
We finally find Nolee. She's sitting against the side of a building, sobbing as she hides her head in her hands. I can't believe what I'm seeing. It hurts me so bad to know that I have hurt someone I love. I don't want to hurt her. I've never wanted to hurt her. "Nolee…." I say softly crouching down next to her.
She looks up at me and says, "What? Didn't yeh hurt me enough when yeh said that I was gonna cheat on yeh?"
"I never said that!"
"No but yeh said it was a possibility!" Nolee sobs, "I would never hurt yeh. I would never sleep with anyone but yeh! I love yeh!"
We stand there together without talking to anyone and I finally say, "I didn't think about what I said before I said it. I just said it. And you know that sometimes…when I'm off my meds…I say things that I don't mean to say. I'm sorry."
"Sorry isn't good enough this time…"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
"What do you mean sorry isn't good enough this time?" I ask, softly. My heart feels crushed and I just stand there, partially sad and partially angry.
"I've seen yeh off yeh meds. We don't argue and yeh don't say things like that. And it's yeh own fault for not taking meds. Maybe if yeh weren't too busy once in a while yeh could see the things that were right in front of yeh." Nolee says shaking her head. "Do yeh even remember what this argument was about?"
I shake my head sheepishly, "No…"
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
And this is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
"Yeh never remember anything after yeh argue with me it seems," she rolls her eyes.
"I'm being honest! You think I like not remembering what happens after we argue. I'd love to remember things we argue about but I can't. It's not my fault I was born a freak!" I shout at her.
"Yeh not a freak! Yeh a good man and if yeh could just see that for once maybe I wouldn't be leaving yeh!" Nolee shouts back.
I'm always waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I've been down
That right there does it. "Your breaking up with me?"
"I don't have a choice. I'm done with arguing." As a car pulls up right next to us and Cody Rhodes pokes his head out of the window, she says, "I'm sorry."
I grab hold of her arm and look into her eyes, "Please don't do this. We can work things out. I know that we can work things out."
"I wish I could believe yeh Randy. But I've heard the same old thing all the time. I'm done with it." She gets in the car and rides away with Cody. I feel my heart break in my chest and for once I know that I've just lost the one thing I've ever really loved.
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream,"Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I'm always waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, Yeah
Are we having fun yet?
Yeah, Yeah
Are we having fun yet? Yeah, yeah
Are we having fun yet? Yeah, yeah