Part 2
I felt extremely guilty for what I've done. I wish that I could change things, but alas, I can't. Oh well, at least as I don't get caught, I should be good, right?
I resumed watching my family as they cried.
"Well, I guess we should flush him down the toilet." Steve sniffed, and then looked at his dad. "Right, Dad?"
Stan thought about this, and then came up with a solution.
"No." He said. "No, I have a better idea. Since Klaus is human, we can't just flush him down the toilet and just forget about him. No, now this may sound silly and a little stupid coming from me, but I think we should give him a proper burial in the backyard."
"You mean like a funeral?" Steve asked.
"Yes, precisely son, a funeral." They all stood up.
"Uh," Roger said. They all looked at the alien. "We're not going to give him the funeral they did for that boy's fish on Shake it Up, right?" They looked confused.
"You watch Shake it Up, Roger?" Haley wanted to know.
"Unfortunately yes." Roger admitted. "I watch Disney Channel in my spare time. I just laugh at how ridiculous the shows are. Disney was better in the olden days, now it's filled with all this crap."
"Anyways," Stan continued. "We should invite everyone we know, Bullock, his wife and adopted son, Francine's parents, my mother and stepdad, the guys at the agency, Steve's friends, their parents, Linda and Bob, Sergei Kruglov, Father Donovan, Lisa and Johnny Collins, Captain Monty, Debbie, Principal Lewis, Terry, Greg, their baby girl, Libby, Reginald, Tuttle, and all of Klaus' friends."
"Uh, hate to break it to you Stan, but the fish doesn't have any friends, besides his old ones in Germany, and we are NOT inviting them all the way from Germany just to honor a dead fish. I'm sure they have better things to do, we don't have their phone numbers or address, plus it'll cost more, and we don't speak German and I doubt they can speak any English."
"You're right." Stan agreed. "Fine, just our friends here in America."
"And Jeff?" Hayley hoped. Stan looked at his hopeful daughter. He sighed.
"Fine, Jeff can come too." Hayley then grinned from ear to ear.
"Oh thanks Dad. You're the best. I'm going to go call him right now." She kissed him on the check, and then left the room. Stan rubbed his cheek and smiled.
"I know." He then looked at the rest of the family. "Okay, we'll have the funeral in five days. We'll prepare until then."
"I'll make the food!" Francine volunteered.
"I'll bring the champagne!" Roger piped up. Steve looked at him.
"Roger," He started. Roger looked at him. "This is supposed to be a sad party, not a happy one."
"I'll drink in pity." He told him. Steve looked at his dad again.
"But what am I supposed to say to my friends at school tomorrow?" He asked. "That we are having a funeral for a goldfish?" Stan looked at his son.
"Precisely." He just said.
Five days later, everybody at the funeral was wearing black. Everybody that could come that Stan invited came to the funeral (they tried inviting Tuttle, but Tuttle was just too obese). I watched from behind a tree outside, moving to wherever I pleased.
"So, why are we here again?" Snot asked Steve. They were drinking red punch near the punch bowl. "To honor your pet goldfish that died?"
"Yup!" Steve said, not sounding amused. "It was my dad's idea."
"Whatever." He drank some more.
"I had a funeral for my pet guinea pig!" Barry piped up. "It was sad. I cried for days! His name was Mr. Fudge because of his brown fur." His friends looked at him.
"Oh yeah!" Steve remembered. "Didn't he die because you were overfeeding him in the fourth grade?"
"That's Mr. Fudge!" Then Barry began to cry. "Mr. Fudge!" Toshi rolled his eyes.
"Seriously man," He said in Japanese. "You need to let it go!" I then heard Stan talk to his friends and Bullock.
"Um, Stan." An agent said. "We didn't know your fish. So why are we here?" Stan looked appalled at this statement.
"Just because you don't know him," Stan said. "Doesn't give you an excuse. It's still sad; he was a human just like all of us! Don't you have any respect at all?" The agents just looked at one another. "Well, do you?" They looked back at Stan.
"Well this does beat being in the house with the wife." He resumed drinking his wine.
"There you go!"
Next, I looked at Terry, Greg, and Libby, who was in the stroller. Terry was waving a stuffed princess doll in the baby's face, making her laugh. In his other hand was a bottle of milk.
"Terry?" Greg asked. Terry gave Libby the doll to suck on, and looked at him. "Why are we here? We didn't know the person, or in this case, fish, who died. If you ask me, this does feel a little awkward, don't you think?" Terry shrugged.
"I know it's awkward!" He replied. "But just play along so we don't upset Stan." Greg looked unsure.
"Well okay!" Terry then looked at Libby again who was sucking on the doll's head. He offered the bottle to the baby who dropped the doll to drink. "But this is a great opportunity to teach Libby the circle of life."
"You got that from the Lion King, didn't you?"
"Yes, yes I did."
"And you got that from Phineas and Ferb."
"Yes, yes I did." Greg sighed, irritated with his partner. Libby took a break from drinking.
"Fish, fish!" Libby cheered. Terry and Greg gasped.
"Oh my gosh!" Terry said. "Did you hear that, Greg? Libbs said her first word, 'fish.'" Greg rolled his eyes.
"I heard it, Terry! I wished it was 'Dada' through."
"Hey everyone!" Terry shouted. Everybody looked at him. "Libby said her very first word 'fish.'" Everyone cheered, and then turned back to what they were doing.
"Unbelievable!" Roger observed wine in hand. He was dressed as a boy with baggy pants, a green shirt with a skateboard on it, and blonde hair. "Baby says her first word 'fish' during a funeral. And it's not 'Roger', figures!" He drank his wine.
Stan came to the podium. He picked up the mike, tapped it, and spoke into it.
"Hi everyone!" He greeted. Everyone was now silent as they looked at him. "I'm glad you could all attend our beloved pet fish's funeral, even though you didn't want to." Several people mumbled madly to themselves.
"Anyways, Klaus is not what you think. He wasn't really a goldfish, but a human being. He was a German Olympic skier until the CIA transplanted his brain into a goldfish's body. Come to think of it, I think the reason why is kind of selfish. But anyways, enjoy the cake as we prepare for the burial ceremony!" He then left the stage. Everyone else got same cake, and dug in.
Stan carried a tiny, fish sized casket to a dug up grave that read "Klaus Heissler Whatever year he was born-2011." Stan dropped the casket in the hole. He turned to the audience.
"Now," He told them. "Get ready as our long-lost son, Bobby, says a eulogy." Roger looked at Stan confused.
"What? Stan, an eulogy for a fish?" He asked. "But Stan, I hate him. I don't want…" Stan stopped on Roger's foot. Roger yelped in pain. He jumped on his foot.
"Stan!" He whispered, calm now. "I don't have a cheat-sheet with me. What am I going to say?"
"Relax Roger." Stan whispered, teeth clenched so nobody could hear. "Just do what Martin Luther King Jr did. Say it from the heart."
"But Stan, I already told you; I hate Klaus! Everybody does, so how can…?" Stan punched him in the shoulder. Roger yelped again. He turned to the mike. "Fine; fine! I'll do it but I won't mean it." Stan smiled and gave him the thumbs up. Roger spoke into the mike.
"Klaus Heissler was more then a sick fish with issues." Roger spoke. "He was a friend. Once we went to Europe together so he wouldn't commit suicide. I dressed up as him as a human so he could pay some lawyers who turned out to be members of the German Mafia and they beat me up. Steve and I also played a prank on him and we were scared that he might do something terrible to us. He watched Grey's Anatomy with me. He even celebrated my 16ooth…I mean, 16th, birthday with me when no one else did." Roger got teary eyed. "I…I…I'm going to miss him!" He burst out crying. "Why did fish have to die?" He cried and cried. "Why couldn't it have been Steve?"
"What?" Steve asked. Roger looked at him. "No offence Steve." He resumed crying. Stan smiled at him, and patted his shoulder.
"Nice eulogy." He congratulated him. Roger just ran off stage, crying. Stan spoke into the mike again.
"And without further to do….let's bury him!" Francine and Steve picked up their shovels and dug mad over my casket. They were teary eyed when they did it. I watched with a frown on my face.
As Stan told everyone to enjoy the rest of the cake, I sadly scooted into the house. I just couldn't take seeing my fake funeral anymore. It just reminded me more of the awful prank I pulled. I heard Terry ask Roger that if he was really 16, why he drank wine. And if he was really Stan's long lost son, why he really did those things to me. Terry said that he was a bad example for their daughter and said he have Roger go to court for underage drinking. Roger yelled at him to shut up, and kicked him in the shins, making Terry run off crying.
When I was inside, I got my runaway bag ready. Now that I was presumed dead in both East Germany and now here in Langley Falls, I had to hit the trail to wherever it ended up; maybe on the edge of the universe, where I can no longer be a threat.
Suddenly, as I made my way to the back door in the kitchen, I heard Roger's voice.
"Klaus?" He questioned. "You're… alive?"
I turned around and gasped. There was my entire family standing right in front of me! They all looked mad. I gulped. I was in hot water now! I pretended to play dead in my cup.
My family didn't buy it. Roger stormed to where I was and picked me up by the tail. I opened my eyes to look at him.
"BAD FISH!" He yelled. "You made us worried about you; we thought you were dead! I had to wear this lousy getup because of you! And you snuck that dead fish in my purse, didn't it? Now my purse's all wet because of you too!" He threw me into the wall. I got back into my cup, and broke out crying, fins over eyes.
"I'm…sorry!" I sobbed. "You guys always play awful pranks on me! I just wanted to pull the ultamate prank! I never meant to hurt anyone…well, maybe Roger." I cried and cried.
"Tears won't work this time, fish!" Roger told me, hands crossed his stomach. "What you need is a punishment, but not just any punishment; you will remain a fish as long as you shall live or when the CIA decides you're ready to be a human again!" That made me even sadder.
"That's already my punishment! Can't you just ground me or give me a time-out?" He looked at me.
"Klaus, that's a kid/teen punishment. What you need is much worse. I'll take away what you can't live without, your bowl and your cup." I looked at him.
"But, I'll die without them!"
"Exactly! That's my point; take away the things that you can't live without!" I stopped crying to look at him.
"Roger, this is not the phony teen excuse "I'll die without my cell phone;" I will really die without my cup or bowl." Roger sighed.
"Fine! But you still need a punishment. We just need to think of one."
"Klaus," Stan explained to me. "What you did was wrong, very wrong. I hope you know that." I sighed and looked down, ashamed.
"I know what I did was unspeakable." I looked up at them again. "And I'm sorry and I really mean that. Can you forgive me?"
"I suppose." Francine said. "But just saying "sorry" won't cut it. You're not off the hook yet, mister."
"Is that supposed to be a pun?" Francine glared at me. "Okay, okay! I'm not off the hook, got it! I deserve a punishment, just don't make it death." Francine just smiled.
My punishment was to clean the inside of the toilet with a toothbrush.
"This is foul!" I complained to Hayley next to me. I looked at her. "Do I have to? I don't even have a laundry pin to plug my nose!" I tried not to vomit.
"Yup!" She said. "Mom said you have to and that is no April Fool's Day joke. Get cleaning Klaus; I'll check up on you in a bit." I sighed and looked at the toilet as she left. I got to work.
Suddenly, I felt a push. I dropped the toothbrush into the toilet. I tried to maintain my balance, but fell in. I resurfaced and looked up. It was Roger! He was laughing.
"APRIL FOOLS!" He cheered. He laughed and laughed. Suddenly, I got an idea.
"Hey Rog," I told him. "Justin Bieber's in town. He's at the Langley Falls mall." He gasped.
"He is? No freakin' way!" I nodded.
"Yes freakin' way."
"I'm going to go get his autograph!" He raced for the door, but stopped halfway. He looked at me.
"Wait, I hate Justin Bieber. I hate him more then Miley Cyrus."
"April Fools!" I laughed. He growled at me.
"I'll kill you Klaus!" He tried to run up to strangle me, but he slipped on a water puddle and landed on his butt. I resumed laughing as he tried several ways to get up. He gave up and collapsed to the floor.
"Oh, I just love April Fool's Day!" I said. "I just love it!" I laughed and laughed.