The 38th Hunger Games are over, but nothing will ever be the same.
I was shocked as I realised what Victoria had done.
She'd stopped his heart with one of her weird tricks but she'd left shards of the dagger in his heart, meaning the electro-magnetic shock of the hovercraft would restart his heart.
I knew what happened to cheaters in the Hunger Games. It had happened before, but not often. The families and friends vanished and the perpetrator is brutally killed in public. Even if I stayed and didn't get killed, I'd always be known as the sister of the cheater.
I couldn't be sad for Victoria's death. I tried, but she knew what she risked by cheating and she took the punishment. Besides, I was too empty inside to feel anything. All those people, dead for Ross, intentionally or not, every person had ended up dying so Ross could live. Even Cerron and Vanity, who hated the rest of the competitors, had to die for him to live.
My father was out somewhere and I just had to hope that he knew what he was doing, what had happened.
I grabbed a thick leather jacket and was about to go when the door smashed inwards. I could see the flash of white of the Peacekeepers' uniforms, but I didn't wait to see any more.
Instead, I dived back up into my room and crawled up, onto the roof. I was about to jump across onto the next roof when I saw a flash of red turning the corner and blanched.
My father had been wearing a red coat when he left the house earlier that morning and I could recognise his face as he approached the house.
"Can I help, sir?" my father asked, I desperately wanted to cry out, but my throat was dry and nothing came out, no matter how hard I tried to speak.
I could only watch as the Peacekeepers gunned him down in the street, only watch as his blood turned the fresh snow red and only watch as they carried the body away.
When finally my muscles moved, I found myself running over the rooves by instinct more than thought, some animalistic urge guiding me away from the terror and the bloody snow. My brain slowly kicked in but emotions kicked out. I didn't want to think, I didn't want to comprehend what had happened.
First the Capitol had killed my sister for trying to save the life of someone she barely even knew because she knew it would make me happy, then they killed my father for being related to her and were looking for me for the same reason. I couldn't bear to think about it because I knew it was my fault. My fault that Victoria tried to save Ross. If I'd never known him, she wouldn't have saved him and she wouldn't be drowning on some converted oil rig.
When I stopped I realised where I'd come without thinking. I was in front of Paylor's house, the only rebel I knew who would even think of hiding me.
I knocked almost unwillingly and the door opened a crack to reveal Paylor's bloodshot eyeballs as he opened the door, "I thought you'd come here," he said as I just stood, motionless on the doorstep, "Well come in."
A few days later, after I've been hiding in a cupboard despite a lack of Peacekeeper searches, Paylor announces, "He's on now."
"Ross?" I asked, almost excitedly.
"Who else?" he replied as I sprinted toward the TV as it flickered to life.
It was pretty impressive that Ross was already on air so soon, some tributes took weeks, but I guess the Games had been unusually short and they decided to move it along as quickly as possible to make sure people didn't get too bored.
When the screen flickered to life, it seemed Ross wasn't quite ready yet so instead they were showing the highlights package and I realised I didn't want to watch.
First they showed the rush at the cornucopia, despite the lack of deaths. They showed Ross being hit in the face with a morning star in high-definition by Cerron as well as the throwing knife that hit Locke in the shoulder as he jumped. Next there were the Careers over-looking Ross' hiding spot. Then the rising water, the death of the District 2 girl and Ross' desperate rush for supplies. They drew Storm's death out for as long as they could, showing every moment as he was pulled away, focusing on Locke's eyes as he reached out.
Unsurprisingly, they skipped Rain's speech about the brutality of District 11, in fact, I'm surprised they aired it in the first place. They show the District 7s fighting and Ross lulling his team to sleep.
They show Hunter as he talks to Cerron and his murder spree as he collects the District 3 girl. They cut to the District 7 boy as he falls to his death, holding the body of the girl before returning to Kera meeting with Ross' team.
They play the bloodbath in excruciating detail, showing every moment of the deaths of the ten tributes. Making people watch the children of their District being gutted like fish or coughing up blood or even, watching their boyfriend as he kills.
Finally, they show Seiro's attempt to kill Ross. When they get up to Victoria pulling the knife out, the video gets a furry quality and it seems as though she's injured, even though I know she's not. It looks as though they've edited in the scene where she knocked Ross unconscious on the oil rig level to make it seem as though she knocked him out again.
It's impressive camera work but it only annoys me more because the Capitol cheated as much as she did by erasing the fact they drowned her alive as punishment for trying to bring Ross back to me.
After half an hour of video, it's Ross' turn.
As he sits across from a young Caesar Flickerman, he looks like crap. There's been a lot of work done on his jaw, but it still looks slightly odd. They seem to have removed the bags under his eyes and his nose has been set. The combination of a slightly crooked nose and a scar from where the morning star's spikes gouged him make him look cute but the deadness in his eyes is awful.
It's like someone has reached into his eyes and gouged out his soul, leaving his once-glowing green eyes listless.
"So, Ross, how does it feel to be back?" Caesar asks.
"Terrible. I haven't slept in days and every time they knock me out I see the kids who died flashing before my eyes, drowning me and torturing me. When I wake up, I think I'm back in the arena, that winning was just a dream and more and more I'm wishing it would be."
Caesar's expression is nervous, clearly worried how the audience will take being told about his haunting and so he tries to change the subject, "How do you feel about seeing your girl again?"
I clenched my fist as I worried about the answer when Ross replied, "Even worse than my answer to the last question. How exactly am I meant to go back? Oh, hi honey, sorry about all those people I killed, I hope you don't mind. Sucks about your sister," he says caustically, "And then we'll kiss and make up? No way. I can't go back to being who I was, ever. I'll always have to live with the deaths of the other people. Storm gave his life to save mine, despite what his sister said, he didn't plan to drown there, he was only centimetres from the ladder. If I hadn't been there, he might have won and it might have been him sitting here, talking about dead kids. Rain died because she tried to protect me, even if neither of us knew Hunter was there. Laira died because she was in Hunter's line of fire after killing my enemy. I killed Toro and Hunter directly, I stabbed them through the heart. Even Kera, who wasn't even an ally, died so the murderer from her hometown didn't win. But he wasn't the only murderer. I'll have all this blood on my hands I'll never wash off. And you ask how I feel about seeing Alma again? Well here's my answer: I'll feel shit."
Caesar's looking seriously worried and I almost feel for the guy, it's only his second year and I get the idea the director's using a traumatised Ross as some type of test for him, "What do you plan to do when you get home?"
"Have a shower, eat, drink and never go near District 2 or the beach again. Maybe have a few mental breakdowns whenever I see grass, sea water or quarried stone. One thing I won't do is act as if nothing's changed. Things have changed, even if I can't do anything about it and I have to accept that. Maybe I'll try getting a normal job and set my life straight but I just don't know."
Caesar covered a sigh of relief as he realised he'd found a safe topic, "Have you considered television? I'm sure you've got a few fans out there," the audience screams as if to agree with Caesar.
"I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to watch a TV set again, let alone be on it. If I have to be a mentor, I'll be mentally destroyed enough as it is."
I was going to keep watching when I heard the sound of footsteps down the street.
At first I thought nothing of it, until I realised how many there were. It was almost the perfect trap. They must have realised I'd watch Ross and they could gun me down in front of the TV.
As I run towards the back window, I yell at Paylor not to answer the door but it's too late. The instant he opens the door, he's peppered with bullets while I'm covered in shards outside his back window.
There are Peacekeepers only centimetres from the corners to the back wall when suddenly there's a ladder in front of me.
I grip on for dear life as I recognise a hover craft from District 13. Paylor must have called it because I can't tell why else it would be there.
The Peacekeepers realise it isn't a Capitol craft and try shooting at it, but I'm already safely in the cabin and we're leaving the scene at several hundred miles an hour.
Inside is a young soldier named Boggs, he's about sixteen and dressed in the tight, grey uniform of District 13 with his helmet on the chair beside him.
"I know there's nothing I can say to make it right but… I'm sorry," Boggs said, "There was still work for your father to do and we couldn't pull Victoria out of the games. I'm just sorry it ended like… this."
And I know exactly what 'this' is. It's my father's and Victoria's deaths. It's Ross, dead-eyed on the TV screen. It's Paylor, gunned down on his doorstep. Most importantly, it's the death of the little girl inside me. There's no one left for me. The Capitol has taken it all away. Even though Ross is still alive, he's still dead. He's broken and empty and there's nothing I can do to save him. I can't even see him, the Capitol have taken even that right.
We're both silent as we approach the hatch leading to the underground hangars of District 13.
I get dressed in the uniform of District 13 and go through the motions, but I'm still tied down by my past.
I thought I'd cut it all away, but there's still one string to take care of.
Finally, one of the teachers in District 13 tells me I need to go back and see Ross. I try and convince her I don't, that I'm fine, but really I'm not. And she knows it.
I'm booked on a hovercraft flight, once again with the young soldier, Boggs. He visits me occasionally in my cabin. I think he feels guilty about not doing more for me on that day in the hover craft out of District 8.
When I touch down, I feel nostalgic, but none of the memories are good ones. I just feel lost and alone as I make my way to the Victor's Village near the centre of town.
I don't think anyone is looking for me any more, but just in case I have a scarf tightly wrapped around my silver hair because it stands out like a cauliflower in a candy store.
As I knock on Ross' door, I'm nervous. Nervous about what he'll do, nervous about what he'll say, but mostly just nervous.
When he opens the door, he doesn't hug me, he doesn't do anything except lean against the door frame, "Hey," he says.
"Hey," I whisper back, eyes down cast.
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
"I know," I reply.
"I'm staying here, I can't come with you."
"I know."
"There's nothing I can say or do to fix this, I just hope you understand that I'm truly sorry."
"What if I said I would forgive you?"
"Even if you could, I couldn't forgive myself. Even if I could convince myself to believe I wasn't to blame them for their actions at the bloodbath, it wouldn't mean I'm not. They chose me as their leader, I was meant to make the right decisions for them but I didn't. It was my choice to lead them in, my choice to go and get the supplies and my choice to ignore the danger Hunter presented. I don't know if anyone else could have done it right, all I know is that I did it wrong. I'll never forgive myself."
We both stood there in silence before he continued, "This is for you…" he dropped a necklace in my hand. It was made of pieces of cloth knotted together with a hunk of granite cut in the shape of a coin.
I recognised it as my sister's and I realised it was the last thing I'd ever have to remember her by.
As I threaded it over my neck we both stood in an awkward silence.
"So… I guess this is goodbye," I said blandly.
"I guess," Ross replies and we both keep standing there until finally I walk away.
"Remember me!" I call back and I'm glad Ross still has enough heart left to smile.
That's it for now, folks. I kinda feel sorry for what happened to Ross, even though I wrote it… probably a bad sign.
Next Chapter: Coin for President.