This story's drawing to a close but I hope you enjoyed reading it.
In District 13, your sixteenth birthday means the end of your schooling. Most kids went on to the agricultural sectors or became mechanics for the hovercraft fleet, but I didn't want to spend my time fiddling with carrots in some musty dungeon.
Even though we weren't actively oppressed by the Capitol, I could still see the people suffering.
Small portions of food, a lack of space and comforts, even a lack of socialisation had left District 13 weak and docile. The President did nothing about it; he was paranoid and obsessed with defending the district while the Capitol flaunted its power over everyone, even the children.
In the open air, there was still a cloying sense of claustrophobia, a terror the Capitol was coming, combined with my own seething hatred, tamed only by the though that someday, we could fight back.
My fifteenth birthday passed, then my sixteenth and my seventeenth in a blur until I was twenty-one and angry.
President Boslarvic had called for a culling of the army recruitment, instead letting us nest in our little underground den while others suffered. I might have given up on Ross, but I hadn't forgotten the others who died in the games. The 23 names I would never forget. Cerron, Vanity, Toro, Reia, Raven, Volt, Locke, Avanna, Praen, Tina, Seiro, Laira, Nero, Caela, Victoria, Hunter, Kera, Prime, Shika, Storm, Rain, Onyx and Garnet.
Just another few names on the list of the dead.
874 kids never coming home in only 38 years.
After the announcement, I found Boggs who I considered an ally in the army. I couldn't bring myself to have friends after what happened to those I was close to in District 8. People were just pieces, like the pawns in the games of chess I used to play.
I stormed the office and demanded the President stand down or risk death.
Once upon a time I would have thought myself appalling, but no more. It was just one big game and I was playing by the same rules as the Capitol.
He stood down without a fight and proclaimed me President the next day.
My first command was to undo what my predecessor had wrought. I created a mandatory army service period unless they had special provision. The hovercrafts were upgraded and the weapons labs developed. I used my father's contacts in District 8 to set up a factory to make uniforms for the rebels and used what resources we could spare to help shift their allegiances further from the bed rock of the Capitol.
I heard that Paylor's wife, who had been in District 6 at the time of the attacks, had delivered a child several months after her husband's death. The girl was six and healthy, it seemed the Capitol had decided Paylor's wife was unrelated to the cheating and that they drew the line at six year olds, unbelievable as it seemed.
Next, I visited Hunter's brother in District 9. He had been a victor a few years before his brother, with the same deadly finesse. I knew that he wouldn't have any aversion to killing those who needed to die and that was what I needed. He was also well known in District 9 and we needed people undercover to set up the rebels. Officially, this was his only position; unofficially he was an assassin.
My conscience twanged, but logic overpowered the guilt. The Capitol would kill hundreds of people with their thirst for power, a few well-placed deaths were necessary for victory.
I waited for an opportunity for dozens of years. I could feel my body decaying with age and I was worried about my future when Katniss Everdeen shows up on a silver platter.
Ross' speech about the horror of life after the Hunger Games had created a bit of a stir, but Katniss really outdid herself.
She was perfect and everything that I needed for the rebellion, a symbol but also a human who could manipulate emotions. My tangled web of victors was fairly strong after the conversion of Finnick Odair. He was famous for being a pretty-boy but he was from a Career district as well as having contacts in the other districts.
Johanna Mason was quick to follow, she and Hunter's brother got along like a house on fire until he died.
To begin with, I was worried that his death would destabilise the rebels in District 9, but instead the opposite was true. I'd underestimated the value of a martyr to any cause. A dead symbol was a fantastic motivator, a lesson I should have learned from Cerron and Vanity. After they died, the show's fame skyrocketed, earning millions for the network and the suspicion shifted to their own network director for their deaths.
I'd met Haymitch Abernathy several years earlier in District 12. To be honest, I'd given up on them but I recognised a kindred spirit in his story. His family was killed as a result of cheating using the force field and he knew exactly how I felt. He'd seen his family killed in front of him and blamed himself.
His connection to Katniss was worrying for a while, I was nervous he would undermine my operation, but instead he was invaluable in converting her from little girl to war symbol.
The stylist was willing to do his part; he had connections in the Capitol as well as Plutarch Heavensbee, which I knew would prove useful even if he didn't.
The most unusual convert to the rebel cause came near the 70th Hunger Games. I was in District 3 when I was approached by a victor named Beetee who recognised me, despite the age difference and died hair. It turned out he was Raven's uncle and hated the Games. He'd watched his favourite nephew gored after killing several kids in his own Games and wanted to put an end to it.
In the end, he was possibly our most valuable asset.
When the Quarter Quell came and we managed to rescue the two kids from 12, I was irate. The girl had done her job, when what we really needed was a representative, something only Peeta could do. I didn't mention the fact that Peeta reminded me of Ross, but I was still over ruled.
Instead we get stuck with smart-assed, useless 'lover girl.' Maybe if it weren't for Cerron and Vanity, I could have lived with the act, but instead, I hated it.
During the blood bath, they suddenly decided to make out and get ridiculously expensive medicine that could have given a gift to save another tribute; instead they waste it and die.
It just reminded me of the waste and stupidity of the Capitol and how awful they were.
Finally, she disobeys orders and twists my arm and then we have to kill dozens of essential informants to rescue hijacked lover boy and then use our supplies to rehabilitate him.
The wedding was just another huge waste of resources when we should have been fighting a war.
When we're ready for the real fight, I send them out of the way; to a remote area to film some fake footage to show the nation.
Eventually, I remember my epiphany about the value of a martyr. The mockingjay had flown and it was time for her to give the last thing she could to the fight against the Capitol: her life.
I sent Peeta with the knowledge the Capitol would drive him mad and activate the tracker jacker venom. Then rest of the squad would kill him and problem solved; two martyrs coming up.
Only, things never turned out as planned.
Both survived as the only valuable members of the squad died.
It was with Boggs' death that I realised what I'd done.
I'd blinded myself to the pain and suffering I'd caused everyone around me.
I thought I was just playing the game, trying to beat the Capitol. I never thought about the fact that I was making myself as bad as Snow, that I was becoming a murderer.
By my hand, hundreds had died for what I saw as the 'Greater Good' and I hated myself.
I understand what Rain meant now, about Storm.
Sometimes, you don't feel you deserve life anymore. Sometimes, all that's left is to try and repent before you die, and I failed even that.
Instead, I accepted I was going to hell and destroyed what conscience I had undamaged to win the war.
A few people know that the parachutes fell on my command, but so long as most people believe it was Snow, it will be so much easier to hate him, so much easier to accept a new government.
I knew Ross had been killed by the Capitol, they probably believed he was a rebel and I realised that was another spot of blood on my hands. I thought I'd gotten over him, but I realised I hadn't. He was the 24th name on the list of the dead and it was my fault.
I couldn't allow myself to stay alive, to have caused Ross' death and yet stay alive instead of him who was so good but so ruined.
The idea of the Capitol games was stupid and reckless, it was my vengeance for Ross and Victoria, but all it did was destroy me.
I can't condone my actions and I will never try. I know now what Ross meant when he said he'd never forgive himself if I forgave him. Sometimes you don't deserve it and so I end life with this message:
It must be so easy to hate me, Katniss, but these are the choices I made. Make the most of your life. Never believe you make your decisions for anyone else, this is the last gift I can give you after everything I took away.
Remember me.
Finally, the end has arrived after only around 5 days of writing. I have to get back to real life for a while, but I hope everyone who read up to here enjoyed the story, depressing as it was.
Signing off ~ WolfRida.