Chapter 4

*Warning for this chapter: sexuality and pedophilia... I guess…*shifty eyes* Nothing too explicit

Dinner progressed on without Caius saying many words after our earlier conversation, but that smirk of his was always present. It was like he was waiting for the opportune moment to say something that would yet again set off my emotions. I was right to be suspicious of him doing this, because dinner was almost over and he finally asked the question that he had been plotting throughout it.

"So Noel, I know this might be a hard topic, but I'm interested in the answer."

He glanced at Yeul; she had no changed emotion on her face, so he knew she wouldn't be angered if he proceeded. His cold stare once again was directed toward me.

"Tell me about your family."

It was too soon for him to be asking me this because I was trying to adjust to the emptiness without them in my life. I guess that it was better for him to ask now when I was extremely tender about this subject than if he had waited until years from now and resurfaced old attachments. I could feel my blue orbs become watery, but I wiped it away as quickly as possible; hoping that neither of the two noticed.

"Well, I lived with my grandmother. She was quite supportive of me wanting… to… to become a hunter, just like my father had been. I n…never had the chance to meet my mother."

I had tried to swallow the tears to hold back, but the strain in my voice was noticeable. That was all Caius needed to hear in order to know that this topic would break me. I decided to continue anyway in an attempt to not let him burn my pride.

"Was there a special girl in your life," Yeul asked innocently.

"Well, not exactly. I… I wasn't with anyone, but I'm sure there were people that I could've-"

I stopped, wanting to forget about some people I had those relations with. There was a man I used to look up to. He was like my father's brother or so he would often tell me. He was second- in- command to the hunting chief, which gave him quite a lot of power and authority. I would often visit him to ask him questions and admire his position. I almost lost myself all to a bribe.

"Noel, I could get you to any rank you desire in a month or so, after you are of age to join of course."

I was sitting on his shack floor, while he was sitting on a dark bucket, chewing on a piece of long grass. We often talked like this, but I didn't realize how this time would be different. He knew exactly what I'd do anything for, to be something that my father would have been proud of.

"Of course I know that you'd be willing to do anything for this. Your father would have loved to see the day you climbed the ranks and landed on top, like a true warrior."

"I'd do anything to live up to him."

Mistake one was saying that, but I would have never expected what was to come. He chuckled lightly to himself before proceeding. He moved from his seat and kneeled down.

"Really, are you really willing to do anything for this?"

I was about to reply before he licked the shell of my ear. I was confused and hurt that he would mistake me for this, but I wasn't strong enough to stop that before it began. This was a shattered piece of my past that I was hoping no one would ever recover. My father had grown up with this man and even though my father died when I was young, my father had placed the highest trust he had to give in this one man. I looked up to him like a second father, but there he was using what I wanted as bait to have permission to use me for his own sick pleasures. I wanted attention and what he had to offer badly, but I didn't know if this was what I had been asking for.

With his hands upon my chest and his drunken lips against my neck, I closed my eyes and leaned against him. I didn't know what else to do, so I yielded to this until I could find the inner courage to process what was happening. I opened my eyes again when he was sitting in front of me about to kiss my pink lips. I searched for anything to look at but into his eyes, but I couldn't. He came crashing into my lips, parting them instantly. Was I any better than he was? If my father had been alive and seen this, would he be any less disappointed in me than in him? He caressed my cheeks as the kisses became more desperate. I let out slight breaths that indicated my unwanted pleasure.

"Wait, stop. I… I can't. I don't know what I'm doing."

I pushed him back slightly, trying to separate myself from him. He was stronger than I was, so the push barely did any damage, but he was off of my lips at least. He laughed, as he leaned closer to me again.

"It's okay Noel, I'll lead you."

"No… no that's not what I meant. I mean, what am I doing? What are you doing? My father, mother, and grandmother would be disappointed. "

"Noel, in this world if you want something, it's all about who you know."

"I'm not saying that it isn't, but I don't want to be the one who gains everything by sleeping around with the important people… anyone could do that."

"For Etro's sake Noel, you aren't everyone. We don't even have to continue this after tonight, just one night and I swear I'll get you that position. Isn't that all you've dreamed about?"

"Yes, I've dreamed about making my dead family members proud, but this is not the way I want to get there. I want to get there with my own blood, sweat, and tears. I want to get there through my own determination, not because I slept with you once."

I stood up slowly from his grasp and left without turning back once. I knew I probably had that one shot to get what I wanted quickly, but there would have been no honor in how I got there. That was also the night that the raid happened on my village. I wished things between us had been different on the last night I would see my father's friend, but I also wished that instead of being there I had spent more hours at home with my grandmother. I was naïve then.

"Noel, are you alright? We didn't mean to bring up something that you weren't ready to face."

I looked up to see Yeul with a worried facial expression. I must have not heard her through the memory of one of the regrets of my past. I wasn't able to face it yet; I couldn't even look at the beautiful girl in front of me. There was a wet trail down my face. How I wish I had been a better person when I had the chance to be one. I scurried from the table to a room Yeul had told me I would be sleeping from then on. The bed sheets wrinkled as I sat among it, my hands instinctively moved to rest on my forehead. I always seemed to get myself into situations I couldn't handle.

A/N: this chapter was tough for me, because I wanted to do some sort of flashback, but I wasn't sure what it should be. After discussing with friends, we decided on this one… I hope you continue to read this story, even if it makes you want to just hug le Noel… actually yeah go hug Noel.

P.S: Sorry, this chapter took me a while to update with. I had it written, but for some reason I really couldn't decide if I wanted to change it or not.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters… Square Enix does… except for that 2nd in command guy… he's made up (thank Etro!)