hello to all still reading!

If this comes out later than usual (with my non existent schedule 'usual' is hard to judge)

Its because I've been on a trip and had no internet. But I'm back now and thanks to a healthy amount of forum rehab (No pony stuff was killing me!) I'm here to write.

Enjoy the chapter everypony!

"no!" The words tearing through my lips before I gained full consciousness. I lay back. Remembering the suffocating feeling of sadness the dreams had subjected me to. She wanted forgiveness. She longed for forgiveness.

But as with pinkie. I couldn't give it. Not yet.

"Si?"a timid voice asked tentatively. I got out of bed, groaning uncontrollably as waves of nausea pounded the inside of my skull. My body clock was bucked. I realised. Eventually I'd have to make the choice. Day or night. I couldn't compromise for much longer.

"Did you yell?" She asked. Same scared fluttershy I wonder what made her fear, she can't be scared of SO much naturally.

"Yes. I did yell fluttershy, sorry to disturb you." She smiled shakily "oh-it's fine. I was up already. I'm going to sugarcube corner. Do you want to come?"

I was on the verge of accepting, before remembering that pinkie worked there. I guess I'll have to see her eventually.

"Sure. But you won't see me on the way there and look in the corners of the room when you get there." She looked at me oddly. Was it understanding? What was there to understand? "I heard that the mayor wanted you to let everypony know your here."

My anger flared. Did privacy mean nothing to these mares! Fluttershy cowered at my gaze. I snapped out of my anger and consoled her. My anger wasn't focused on her anyway I was still mad with RD. And anypony who could be mad at fluttershy's adorable face had no soul.

I left with her. But quickly took to the verge and flitted from tree to tree. The nice thing about ponyville's roads were that the trees were at uniform intervals. Making travel a lot easier. As I journeyed my thoughts turned to rainbow dash and the pit of confusion reserved for the topic. Had I overreacted? Was she inconsiderate? Was I simply being obnoxious? My thoughts turned to the reasons I wasn't currently her friend. And my resolve once again strengthened. She didn't understand. That didn't mean I didn't miss her. The small voice in my head was telling me something. I just didn't know what it was. All I could understand was that I missed her presence. And that was a hard thing to resist.

"Did you see that?" I snapped out of my trance. I had arrived at ponyville and had automatically taken a rooftop route. I chastised myself for my lack of focus. Luckily the pony who spotted me was young and the mare next to him (who I assumed was his mum) simply dismissed his comment. "Oh button mash! Playing those games is starting to make you see things."

Leaving the protesting colt I slunk back into the shadows. Towards Sugarcube corner.

I entered the shop shortly after fluttershy. I was right in thinking that as soon as everyone looked over and saw her they turned away. Meaning they didn't see me. When I did have to go into these situations I had a few tricks.

Placing myself in the back corner where everypony would have to turn around to see me I waited for fluttershy to place an order. She returned with four cupcakes. Two each.

"Si, pinkie pie's in the basement. The cakes say she's upset. I think you should talk to her."

I wondered if she would have asked me to talk to her even if she hadn't been upset. I nodded. Feeling slightly nervous. How would I deal with this? I was terrible at consolidation. I couldn't comfort somepony for my life.

She smiled at my response. "I know you can't come to terms with that stuff yet. I understand but I'm glad your giving her a chance."

After I'd finished the muffins that tasted more and more like cardboard as I got closer to finishing. I stood shakily. The basement door was gloomy and for the first time the darkness looked foreboding to me.

I slipped inside with a creak and descended into the musty depths. Reaching the bottom I saw a strange sight. As I had expected the room was full of baking ingredients. But next to a small and flickering lamp sat a mare. I was sure it was pinkie pie. But she looked... different. Her once bouncy hair was flat and long. Her once happy face was a grimace. Like a clown. I hated clowns. Creepiest thing in the world. And every so often she'd... twitch. Grotesquely. It was mesmerising.

"Si. To what do I owe the pleasure." I shivered. Her voice reminded me of past horrors. "W-well pinkie-"

"Please. Call me pinkamena."I shuddered.

"O-okay. Well I was just here to ask if you were okay." It took all of my willpower to look into that grinning face and not cower. It was terrifying.

"Well. Seeming as your not my friend... I don't think you need to know." I gulped. The way she said it suggested that if I wasn't her friend I was her enemy. "Well... I'm sorry pinkamena. But your going to have to earn that back. But I'm always here to help. Don't Think of me as an enemy. I just need you to convince me your a good pony."

She appeared in my face. Pinning me to the floor. I yelped surprised. Trying to lift her off me, it was hopeless. She was too strong. Panic filled my chest.

"Who says I am a good pony? Who says I'm not the worst pony of all?" I was panting from excursion. She was really scaring me.

Suddenly her mane inflated and her eyes and smile returned to they're normal self. For a second she looked perturbed before beaming and hugging me. "But that would be a lie! I'm not dangerous silly! Oh! I know tons of ways to convince you!"

I was still in shock. Who was that? "Pinkamena?" Her features darkened a second before returning. "Oh silly Si! Just because we aren't friends doesn't mean you have to call me that! Everypony calls me pinkie!" A small smile escaped my lips. She was completely crazy. But I knew something was wrong with this mare.

"Well pinkie. I've got to be going now." She beamed "I almost forgot! Twilight wanted to see you! I wondered what she wanted? "Ok then, thanks pinkie." As I ascended the stairs I heard pinkie say to herself" why can't you leave me alone? This is your fault anyway." She was definitely an odd mare.I decided to leave it. I value my sanity.

After thanking fluttershy and promising to make it up to her by helping with the animals, I left sugarcube corner in an rude manner -speeding past everypony and getting a few protests. However the important thing was that I was not spotted and if somepony wanted to complain to an unknown pony then so be it.

I entered twilights tree-house without knocking. I knew it was rude but I still didn't want to be spotted. As I entered I saw twilight talking to rainbow dash. A mixture of emotions filled me. Some I couldn't identify. So I stuck with the ones I knew. Hatred came easily. I glared and she glared back. The silent battle of wills raged until RD looked away. My victory was short lived though as twilight started talking. Now you two. I've heard all about your fall out and I'm here to help. As a good friend it's only my duty. Now,I want you two to talk to each other. Tell the other clearly why you aren't forgiving the other. RD went straight on the attack.

"Well! Shall we start with the inconsiderate way you haven't forgiven pinkie when she's CLEARLY upset and remorseful?" I got angrier then.

"How about your lack of empathy to my situation. Just because you crazy country folk are okay with being rutted without your consent doesn't mean I am!"

"Oh so that's what we are to you! Country folk!You no good piece of-"

"Enough" twilight screamed maniacally "ok, so we clearly have some issues here. Let me explain what I think."

And then it started. The lecture. The torture, the hell,the song of tarterus. There are many descriptions that filed through my brain as the day wore on. "And this explains in term the psychodynamic effects of-"

"Stop!" Me and RD screamed in unison. The look of outrage on twilights face made me and RD fall to the floor laughing. As we stood up she said. "But seriously. Why won't you forgive pinkie?" I sigh "I guess I just have issues with letting go of certain things. I can be rather paranoid in social situations and kinda awkward." This felt like the right thing to say. I try to be honest round my friends.

I thought it was the right decision before twilight forced me onto a couch wielding a notebook and quill and taking aim at my psychology. Oh Celestia why?

"This could be due to your psychology. Maybe your actually pre-determined to this way through the theory stated in attachment psychology-"

I turn desperately to RD "I'll do ANYTHING! Just help me!" She crosses her arms with a smug grin.

"Ok. But straight after you get out your going to suger cube corner to forgive pinkie and apologise. Deal?"

I nodded desperately as words pounded my skull. John Foalby whoever you are I am sooooo getting you for this!

RD suddenly yell "celestia?" Twilights out the door quicker than anything screaming bloody murder (or joy).

I streaked out of the library. The cold air on my face revitalizing me. I kept my promise and went to sugar cube corner. Do I regret having to forgive pinkie early? No. She seemed fun most of the time. But in those occasional streaks of insanity. You could die by her hoof. Ah well. I don't know why but the prospect of moving back in with rainbow dash excited me to no end. Enough to admit defeat and accept that if pinkie was they're friend, she was mine to.

The shop was closing for the day as celestia started to lower the sun. I would have to stay awake all night as well if I wanted to reset my internal sleep clock.

Entering, I saw pinkie with her head on the counter. Looking dejected but not insane. Using this as encouragement I approached her and put a hoof on hers. She looked up, realised it was me. The transformation was scary. She glared with pained and angered eyes. Her hair flattened and she was on top of me in less than two seconds. I struggled but I was like a mouse to a cat. Helpless and about to be devoured.

"P-pinkie, please listen-"

It's pinkamena!" I felt like my fur had been torn off by the yell.

"Pinkamena. I-I realise now that although what you did was wrong you weren't in your own mind and I forgive you. Any friend to rainbow dash is a friend of mine."

I was still trapped under her. And now she was shaking her eye closed. Looked like she was about to-She shot into the air at impossible speeds screaming "WOOOHOO!"- explode. I laughed nervously at her antics noticing her hair was back to normal. I feel like if I hadn't said sorry I'd be saying hello to whatever came after life.

"ThankyouthankyouTHANKYOU!" She screamed bouncing around. "Lets have a party!" She started teleporting around the room listing all the things needed. I vow never to question how pinkie does those things.

"How about tomorrow night pinkie." She nodded excitedly. "I can get everypony round! I can invite the CMC's-" I took off then. Remembering in a panic that I'd forgotten Scootaloo. "Sounds great pinkie! I shouted as I streaked through the door.

As I reached the schoolhouse Scootaloo was already there. I landed ready to apologise when I saw tears in her eyes. "Si. I'm sorry. But this is my fault. I shouldn't have asked you to interfere... And-just,look." Genuinely concerned about Scoots behaviour I took from her a newspaper I recognised as the foalfree press. I learned a few of the crimes and so on through newspapers. They were very good hints.

On the front cover was the title 'Dark pony threatens ponyville!' I read. My hooves shaking the further down I read until all I saw was a haze of red. The accusations were horrible. What angered me to the edge of reason was the amount of work the little bitch, diamond Tiara had ruined. All of my hopes for integrating to society here dashed. Never able to live with RD again because everypony believes shot like this. The accusation of missing ponies being murder victims. It hurt. But breaking down wasn't my style. Revenge was my style.

Scootaloo stepped back as a dark grin infested my features. "I now have a few matters to deal with scoot" I said as quietly and as calmly as I could. This, however seemed to add to the threatening appearance as she backed further away

"I'll tell you when I can meet you next. Until then goodbye." With that I turned towards the edge of ponyville where filthy rich and diamond Tiara lived. I had made a note of they're house just in case. Guess it paid off. We're going to have a little chat you and I, I thought as I slid towards they're large house. Security was no problem. I flew to the balcony of the second floor. I could see her room, she sat there with silverspoon giggling. How nieve. She'd practically ruined my attempts at ponyville. The guards hated me anyway, she would regret being born.

I smashed the door and entered. Now they were scared. I smiled, my dark side taking over, the side I never knew I had. Until the timberwolves. I embraced it. Before either could say a word I glared, this new side was powerful. I felt the power, it was sublime. I stepped towards them and all they could do was quiver. So weak.

"Someponies been spreading rumours" my voice came out as a hiss. A horrible sound to my own ears. Deep down I was fighting this. They were young. But so was I. I learnt, I survived and so could they.

"I-I'm gonna call daddy and..." Her voice trailed off. My nice side was getting louder but it was still weak. I quenched it and continued to teach. "Well, little filly. Your dad isn't going to come until I teach you the rules of revenge. You have no idea what you've done. And now your at my mercy."

This was scaring me now. What was I going to do? What was this darkness doing? I was evil! But I still ignored the voice. Such... anger. I was going to do something here. And I wasn't going to stop it. The Anger! The power!

I struck. Not hard. I told myself

But her head still spun and so did my vision. The voice was booming. Evil!evil!EVIL! I shook my head and moved towards her again. Silverspoon still sat. Reminding me of my power. Of everyponies weakness.

I collided with a wall as somepony tackled me. I was blinded with rage. How dare someone interrupt! No! It was sinful! "Si" the cyan mare shouted.

The rage emptied. Replaced by horror. RD,What had I done? Why? It was all me. That evil came from me. The realisation was to much. I hugged her close and cried into her. We remained there for an age. Before I could stand the realisation of my actions and what they meant about me. I stood shakily and walked over to diamond Tiara. I knelt and apologised. I would never allow my anger to govern my actions. I'd thought it about the timberwolves. Why hadn't I learnt. The fillies sat there. I didn't blame them. RD had a word about the article. Diamond Tiara mumbled in a monotoneal voice. Devoid of personality. Shocked. The regret was nearly too much again. Why?

We left the ransacked room that was the testimony to my horrendous self. Rainbow Dash and I didn't speak. To speak would be to accept. And I couldn't accept. I'd had bad experiences and memories. But the evil... never would experience cause such hate. Never. I was evil. The realisation made me want to drop. To plummet from the heights and fly away. Away from the truth. I was evil. I guess the looks aren't deceiving after all.

We land at her house. The grandeur now gloomy. The happiness, turned to horror.

I sit on her bed and curl up. I regret it all. But what good Is it now? I simply block the world. Because now I accepted. I was evil and I would never live a normal life.

I feel the gentle caress of RD my loyal friend. There to comfort in my time of need. I wasn't comforted, I only cried harder. Trying to empty the pain that would not go. "Si. Tell me what happened." She listened as I slowly recounted events. She would listen because she knew it would help. I felt a great gratitude and safety from her presence. "I'm a monster Rainbow." It was true. What's worse is that it felt true. Even now the monster was asleep. Ready for the next time. It was patient. It wasn't an it. It's name was silent night. And he was dangerous.

I woke curled up with rainbow dash. Pounding on the the door. I steadied myself and proceeded to the entrance. The guards. They're neutral faces hiding smug smiles. Dicks. Had I not suffered enough? Silent Night, you are under arrest for the assault and attempted murder of diamond Tiara. I felt the desire to hurt. it was powerful now. It had awoken. It used to lay dormant. Now it just rested. Always ready to hurt. To revel in the feeling of bones breaking. Realising my thoughts I nodded and followed them. Now I realised. If I fought ever again. I would lose control. Once I lost it. I lost it forever. I don't think I can trust myself. What the fuck is wrong with me!

I stepped through the door. I noted with amusement that they were wary of me. Guess the beating they got was still fresh. They escorted me to an airship where I was shackled to the mast. I gazed one last time at the cloud house that had been my home. The symbol of my attempts at a normal life. Ruined.

The ponyville court took place after a short time in the holding cell. The court, designed to look imposing, had large stands where the judge and jury sat. The jury were all ponies from ponyville. They looked neutral. But I could feel the fear. I bet a small town like this didn't usually get assaults and attempted murder. I had evaluated my feelings countless times. Every time I couldn't convince myself I wouldn't have ended an innocent fillies life.

The judge seemed old. But if you took the wig off he could've been younger than he looked. The appearance was suppose to add to the fear. I felt no fear. I felt acceptance because I knew what I had done. And, with pain, accepted it and myself as the despicable pony I am.

"Silent Night, you are here to be held to account of the assault of the filly Diamond Tiara and traumatizing of Silver spoon. Had it not been for the mare Rainbow Dash who bears witness-" I had not realised It. But the mare on the right was certainly determined rainbow dash. She looked at me in a "don't worry I'll get you out" Kind of look.

"Then the consequences may have been far worse..." for all his formality he still pauses for dramatic effect. Somepony who enjoys they're job. "How do you plead?"

I had decided on this in that dark holding cell. I shouldn't be released from this. I looked up with a determined face and said loudly "guilty."

The words struck with the force of a hammer blow. Silence. The judge stood slowly. Defiantly a drama princess. "In that case I find you guilty of assault and attempted murder." Gasps. I guess I can't argue. Probably would have been attempted murder, and I deserved all the time I could get.

"I sentence you to 6 months in ponyville penitentiary." That's not a large sentence at all. Maybe the mayor pulled a string or two. "You are hereby dismissed from your duty as ponyville reserve guard will conduct your sentence at the conclusion of this jury. The hammer hit home. And with it my freedom for the next six months. But I would never lose the guilt and pain of what I did and who I am.

RD came to see me. I don't know when I'll see her again. I try not to care. But I just can't. She looks angry "why would you plead guilty!" She shouts. I stand there until she stops glaring. "Because I am guilty Rainbow. I am not the Si I was. I don't think I'll ever be again...See you in six months." It's such a pathetic thing nods sadly " I'll visit-"

"Dont." I said flatly

she seems to be debating on saying something. But doesn't. it occupies my mind as I'm led to the place I'll dwell for half a year. Might be a light sentence for me. But it should be more.

Ponies recognise me as I step down the corridor with guards. I caught enough of them to infuriate most and challenge others. I realised I'd be put to the test in here. I won't fight though. Never again until I learn control. And if I can't then so be it. I still have my talent though. There will always be shadows. Safe and comforting.

In a place like this... I'm going to need all the comfort I can get. Walking past the Colts baying for my blood. I sigh dejectly.

bet you guys weren't expecting that one

Hay? For those not understanding the psychology reference. It's

The theory of attachment John bowlby (yeah ponifying things is fun! ) and how early life can prevent Social skills and other consequences.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with the story.

BROHOOF!